Taking Chances (Learning to Love) (18 page)

***

Matt picked me up early to go over and get my vehicle situation worked out. His friend Tommy brought my wrecked baby back to his shop before we got there. It wasn't looking good. I had to gather my things from inside the wreckage and sign some papers. There wasn't much else I could do about the whole thing. Tommy said he'd contact the insurance company and see what they wanted to do about it, but he had a feeling they would total it and I'd be out of a car.

"So, I uh, got a couple other things to talk to you about, sis," Matt said, walking back to his truck and opening the door for me to climb up.

I could tell by the look on his face it wasn't going to be something I'd be happy about.

"What is it?"

He walked around the truck and got in. "It's about Dad."

"Don't tell me the bastard is cheating already. I swear to God, Matty, I will never agree to another wedding ever again. In fact, that was his last chance. I don't want to—"

"Calm down Lex. Dad isn't cheating."

"Oh. What then?"

"They are moving the wedding up. It's going to be in two weeks." He started the truck and pulled out onto the highway, giving me a moment to absorb the news.

"Dammit, Matty, why were you giving me your 'I have bad news' face if that's all it was?"

"That's not all." He pulled off the road into the cafe where we always got breakfast when we were kids.

"Okay, what else?" I braced myself for whatever he was about to tell me.

"Greta is pregnant."

***

I sat sipping an enormous cup of green tea while Matt wolfed down a breakfast big enough for three. So our father was going to have a fifth child. I would get another sibling that I'd probably never get to know, because that teenage sister who makes snide comments on my Facebook every once in a while wasn't enough.

None of it even made any sense to me. Why Larry would keep knocking chicks up after he clearly had little interest in being a father, was beyond me. Maybe it was just the girls he didn't give a shit about. Matt was the only one he was close to and the only boy. If the new kid was a boy, it might get lucky.

"Come on, Lexi. Just be happy for them," he said, forking massive bites of pancake into his already full mouth. Sometimes I wondered if he was born with a second stomach.

"Happy? Is that some kind of joke? You think I should be happy about another child being brought into a doomed relationship?" I snorted, pulling a piece of bacon off his plate and crunching off the end.

He put his fork down, a serious look came across his face. "So you genuinely believe that no relationship can last?"

"No, I don't. I can't even imagine why you would think it could."

"No true love either?"

"Love?" I laughed. "Sure, Matty, I believe in love. I love you and I love Kat, Angie, hell, maybe even Mom, but as far as romantic love, no."

Matt laid his napkin over the remainder of his food and threw a twenty on the table. "Then what is it between Kat and me?"

Shit. That wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with him, especially after Kat's mini meltdown last week.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just full of shit." I got up and headed back toward his truck.

"Come on, Lex, I wanna know what you really think?" He stopped me before I could get the truck door open, blocking my way. He was intent on having the conversation, whether I wanted to or not.

"Don't you think I want to be able to believe in true love, and relationships that work? It just doesn't exist, Matt. Name one person you know who has made it work long-term. I bet you can't. As far as you and Kat, yeah, I hope you two can make a go of it, but if you want me to tell you I think it's true love and you will be together forever, I can't."

I knew I was a bitch saying that to him. He was trying to be different with Kat. I knew he was, but I also knew she wasn't sure about her feelings for him. How could I let him think everything was going to be all happily ever after when I had a feeling she might dump his ass.

He was silent the whole way back to the apartment. He didn't even turn on the radio, which was a dead giveaway that he was upset.

"Matty, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things." I put my hand on his shoulder as he helped me down from the truck. He was trying to avoid looking at me, only making me feel more guilty.

"It's fine, Lex. You are entitled to your own view on it. You're probably right anyway. I don't know why I ever thought it could be different."

"Please. Don't be like that." I grabbed onto his shirt as he tried to push me away and leave.

All the events of the last few weeks came bubbling up to the surface. Our father and his new spawn, Sam, my car, Sebastian, everything just swirled around in my head, bringing a dizzy, nauseated feeling, and made me want to scream. That was what thinking about relationships did. How could I crush my brother's hopes when I couldn't help but entertain a tiny shred of a thought, that whatever it was with Sebastian, was a bit more than just sex.

"Let go, Lexi. I have to leave." He tried prying my fingers from the fabric, but I wasn't letting go.

Tears welled up and stung my eyes. I fell against him burying my face into his chest and tried not to let him see me cry. He pulled his arms around me and sighed.

"What is this really about, babygirl? I know something is going on with you. Why won't you talk to me?"

That was twice in two days that he'd seen me cry. I was going to have to tell him something or he was going to ask Kat, and knowing Kat, he'd get much more information out of her. Including a lot I would rather my big brother did
not
know. He nudged me away from his chest to get a look at me, eyes that were exact duplicates of my own, stared down at me. I definitely knew what love was, it was what I felt every time he looked at me like that.

"I don't know, it's just everything, all at once. Dad, the baby, the car, and... Sebastian," I whispered the last word.

"What do you mean Sebastian? He raised an eyebrow and brought his lips together in a tight line.

I probably should have kept that last part to myself.

"Matty, don't freak out."

"I'm not freaking out, sis. I already knew there was something going on with you two. He looks at you like you're a dessert buffet."

I punched him softly in the chest and laughed. "He does not."

"Yeah, he does. So what exactly
is
going on with him?"

I hadn't planned on letting Sebastian slip in there, but stress made me emotional and clearly it was getting to me.

"I'm not really sure. I just feel so... confused."

"That's how I feel sometimes with Kat. I've never really been in love before. When I'm with her, everything is different. I want to be different." He walked over to sit on the retaining wall in front of the apartment, patting the rock next to him for me to join.

"So, you think you love her?" I swallowed hard, hoping he didn't pick up on my concern.

"I don't know for sure, but I do know I can't get her out of my mind. The thought of not having her in my life just seems... wrong. Sometimes when I look at her, my lips almost start to say the words, but then I stop myself."

"Why not say it, if that's what you're feeling?"

"Because I don't know for sure. It feels like it, but this is Kat. I've known her since she was a munchkin. I don't wanna say it and then realize it wasn't really love. I don't want to hurt her."

That was the most my brother had ever talked to me about his feelings. Plenty of times he listened to me talk, but opening up about what was going on in his head, and apparently, his heart, was brand new territory. I wanted to kick myself for keeping what I knew about Kat's feelings to myself. That was my big brother, the person I loved more than anyone in the world, and I was keeping a secret that could potentially break his heart.

Damnit, I was a shit.

What else could I do? I couldn't betray the trust of my best friend, but I couldn't just stand by and watch Matty get hurt. Either way I was screwed.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"How'd it go with your car?" Kat asked, still in her pajamas, eating a bowl of peanut M&Ms and watching trash TV. That girl ate nothing but junk food and always looked amazing.

I flopped down next to her and grabbed a few pieces. "Tommy says it's probably going to the great car graveyard in the sky. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to afford a new one."

"How come Matty didn't come up?" She flipped the remote off and tossed it aside.

"Did he tell you about Greta?"

"That she's preggo, yeah," she looked away. "He made me promise not to say anything until he told you. Sorry, babe."

I had to talk to Kat about her relationship with my brother. It was none of my business, but they dragged me into the middle anyway and it would be good to know if I should prepare myself for it to go south anytime soon.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself. "Kat, I think we should talk about you and Matt."

She looked up at me with those big green eyes, as if she knew it was coming. "Did he say something?"

"Yes, he did, but I'm not going to tell you what he said. He's my brother."

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Oh fine."

"Kat, I'm being serious. You know what a step this is for him. What girl have you ever seen him serious with?"

She thought about it for a minute, then answered. "None."

"If you are going to break his heart, can't you do it sooner, rather than later?"

"I don't want to break his heart. I really do care about him. I just know he wants to say he loves me, Lex. I can see it in his eyes, and every time, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I don't understand it."

"So you don't love him then?"

"I just don't know." She sighed, picking up the bowl of M&Ms and shoving a handful into her mouth.

"Don't you think you should figure it out if you think he is about to tell you he loves you?"

"Did he tell
you
he loves me? Wait, no, forget I asked that. You're Switzerland, totally neutral." She put her hand over her mouth dramatically.

I sighed and shook my head at her. "Please, make up your mind about what you want. Matty might not seem fragile, but with this, he is." With that, I left her alone with her giant bowl of candy and went to find my phone. I forgot it when I left the house earlier and a part of me was excited to see if Sebastian called. I told that part to shut the hell up and stop acting like a middle-schooler, but she refused to listen.

The phone sat on the table near my bed where I left it last night. Last night when I was in bed with Sebastian, that is. I had no idea where things were going to go with him, but one thing I could admit, I definitely wanted a repeat performance.

There were two missed calls, and four text messages. None were from Sebastian. The first call was my father, apologizing for not telling me about the baby himself, but he figured it would be better if Matt told me.

Damn right
.

The other was Jamie, on a rant about not telling her I was in a car accident and how awful it was for her to find out by walking in Tommy's shop and seeing my car crushed. I had no idea what she would be doing in there, but I should have let her know. Three of the four texts were also Jamie, giving me more shit about being a bad friend.

I typed back a quick apology, explaining I didn't want to bother her since she just got back from her honeymoon. Two seconds after the message went through, the phone was ringing.

"Hi Jamie, how's married life?"

"Oh no you don't, bitch, you tell me what happened to you and why you've been shutting me out?" She used her angry voice, which was almost amusing on her. Jamie was on the small side and could easily pass for high school age. I could picture her with one hand on her hip and a finger poking out at me with her forehead scrunched up. It was comical.

"I'm really sorry, babe, you know I love you." I stifled a laugh and continued before she could further her rant. "I'm fine. I wasn't hurt so I didn't wanna take away from your newly wedded bliss." I tried not to choke on my hypocrisy.

"Not even a scratch?"

"No, totally fine." I held up two fingers in a Girl Scout's promise, even though she couldn't see me.

She sighed loudly. "I was really worried when I saw your car there like that. Lex, it's a mess."

"Yeah, I know. I was really lucky. What were you doing down there anyway? I didn't know you knew Tommy."

"Oh, I don't really, Justin does. His car has been making this ticking noise and he wanted to get it checked out."

"So seriously, how is everything with Justin?"

"It's awesome. Really. I am so completely in love with everything about being married."

I tried to only partially listen to her go on about how great it was to be with Justin nearly every minute of the day and how sad she would be when he went back to work Monday. I gave her the appropriate "uh huhs" and "Wow, that's greats" as needed, but really I couldn't bring myself to commit too much of it to my consciousness. I hoped for Jamie's sake, the relationship would last awhile. She did deserve to be happy for as long as she could be.