Taking Chances (Learning to Love) (21 page)

I took a deep breath, trying to buy some time to come up with the shortest bit of information that would satisfy him. "Our father's wedding is in a couple days."

Okay, so that wasn't a lie.

"Yes. Are you really that upset Dad is getting married again?" He looked at me curiously, trying to decide if I was being honest. It didn't look like he was buying it, but for the moment, he wasn't pushing.

"I don't know. I feel bad for her kid and for the new spawn. You have to know, this isn't going to work out. Larry just isn't capable of it."

I met Greta's daughter, Jenny when we went shopping for dresses last week. She seemed like a nice girl, at least until she started calling me her big sister and telling me she wanted to be a journalist just like me when she grew up.

"Does that mean I'm not capable of it too?" Pain flashed across Matt's face.

I should have known that what I said would hurt him. He wanted to believe there was hope for our douche bag father because he saw himself just like him. If there was no hope for Larry, there was no hope for him. At least that was how Matt saw things. I wasn't even sure if I could disagree. Not that Matt was just like our father, because in so many ways, he wasn't. He was better. I just didn't think there was hope for any relationship.

Sebastian's face flashed into my head and for one brief moment, I wanted to believe that I was wrong. I wanted to think there could be hope for a relationship, despite everything I'd seen my whole life, it could be possible for two people to be happy together, forever.

"You're not Larry. You're capable of so much more, Matty." I threw myself into his arms, and fought back a strong urge to cry, though I had no idea why.

Matt took a breath and smoothed his hand over my hair. "This is about Sebastian. Isn't it?" He whispered the words against my head, still trying to comfort me as always.

"No," I insisted, trying to convince myself, more than him, that it was true.

"You can't lie to me. I know that it is."

"I don't know. Maybe." The last of my resolve washed away as tears streamed down my face. I didn't even know why I was crying. It wasn't like Sebastian had done anything wrong. He hadn't cheated or broke my heart. He hadn't pushed me away. He wanted to give things a try and see what happened. It was all me.

It hurt when Marcus cheated, not that he was the first relationship I had that didn't work out. There were others, though Marcus was the first serious one to end badly. I wasn't even in love with him. I'd never been in love with any of them, which only made it that much more absurd that it bothered me so much that it didn't work out. The ridiculousness of it all had not escaped me.

I wondered if my parents had ever really loved each other or if things ended because they hadn't. Maybe people couldn't make relationships work because they weren't really in love.

But what did that even mean? Love?

Maybe romantic love didn't really exist at all. Maybe people just convinced themselves they were in love because that's what we're supposed to do. I loved my brother more than anything in the world. I loved Kat, and my sister Angie, and my fluffy tabby, Jasper. I knew that was real love.

When Kat and I were thirteen, her appendix ruptured. I thought she was going to die. I couldn't imagine my life without her. I cried practically nonstop until her mother told me she would be all right. That was the only time I'd gone more than twenty-four hours without talking to her since we met. There was no doubt, I loved her.

It was the same way with my brother. There was no one I loved more than Matt. It wasn't just because we were family. I didn't feel anything that strongly for my sister Angie or anyone else you might shake out of my family tree, especially not my mother or father. It was clear that no matter what, I would always love Matt.

If that was possible, couldn't it be possible for romantic love to last?

My brain throbbed against my skull as I fought to keep my inner voice at bay. It was like a war going on inside my head. I couldn't help but question everything I thought I knew so well. It all went back to Sebastian. My feelings for him clouded my judgment. I just needed to get him out of my head for good.

***

Since Greta was struggling with her morning sickness, she opted out of any sort of bridal shower or bachelorette party, sparing me the need to come up with some lame reason I couldn't attend. They even decided to nix the rehearsal dinner and just go straight for the wedding on Saturday.

Matt hadn't pushed anymore about Sebastian, thankfully. Even Kat stopped bitching at me to call and apologize to at least hook up a few more times. Sometimes I wondered if that girl ever thought about anything but sex.

Probably not
.

My father was pushing me to meet with him to talk for the last week. I managed to evade him or come up with excuses, but I knew I couldn't avoid him at the wedding. He was clearly using the wedding as a means of getting back in my life. What I didn't understand was why.

Larry had been out of my life for a long time and I really had no need for him anymore. My older sister Angie had cut him out of her life as well years ago. When she moved down to Florida, she pretty much shut out the whole family. I got an occasional phone call from her giving me details on how she is doing, but it was always superficial. She never even asks how I am. She does try though. I guess that's more than I can say about my mother.

Normally I let my mother's calls go straight to voicemail. It's always the same. She calls late at night when she is drunk and in one of her 'oh poor me' moods. Picking apart my life and making me feel bad about myself is the way she feels better about her own life.

I learned a long time ago that distancing myself from certain people was the only way to keep myself out of therapy. Then I let Matt talk me into being a part of that wedding. If Greta was like one of my father's other bimbos, it might be different. The problem was, I actually liked her, as much as I would rather not have.

I got the dress bag from the closet and hung it on the hook in the bathroom. My mind briefly went through possible excuses for not being able to attend the wedding after all. In the end, I let the dress fall over my head and returned to my room to search for the silver ballet slippers I bought to match, knowing if I backed out it would crush Matt. At least I didn't have to kill myself in any of Kat's crazy high heels.

The dress for the wedding was a simple pale pink chiffon baby doll. Greta picked it out, but left the final decision up to me. It was cute, and unlike most bridesmaids dresses, it could be worn on other occasions, so it didn't need to be a one-time use item, taking up valuable real estate in my closet.

"You look beautiful, sis." Matt peeked his head into my room, smiling with approval.

His comment seemed genuine, but his smile forced. I could tell something was up with him. He came into the room, shutting the door behind him, and sat on my bed.

"What's up, Matty?"

"You're the smartest person I know, Lex and I love you more than anyone in this world, so your opinion means more to me than anyone's." He paused, fidgeting with his tie.

I sat down on the bed next to him, giving him a chance to sort his thoughts.

He took a deep breath and continued. "Do you really think two people who love each other have no chance to make it work?"

Did I honestly still believe that?

Rather than blurting out my usual pessimistic chatter on the subject, I took a moment to gather my thoughts. The last time Matty and I got into that topic, what I said hurt him, and that was the last thing I wanted.

I wasn't even sure what I thought anymore. A month or two ago, I would have said irrevocably, without a hint of doubt, yes, I believed there was no chance. Relationships never lasted. Now though, I just didn't know.

"Honestly, I don't know what I think anymore."

He sighed, turning away from me.

"It's all right. You can tell me I'm just wasting my time. It's okay." Matt looked defeated, which was exactly what I didn't want.

"No, Matt. I'm not trying to spare your feelings. That is really how I feel. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Anyway, I'm no relationship expert. Don't take advice from me."

He eyed me curiously. "Sebastian?"

I leaned my head against his arm and sighed. It was all the answer he needed.

I sat with Matty awhile, neither of us saying anything, yet so much being communicated between us. By the time Kat barged in demanding to do my hair and makeup, Matt looked like he was feeling better, but I was even more confused than ever.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The ceremony was not nearly as awful as I anticipated. Greta looked beautiful, though a little pale. I thought for sure she was going to puke into her bouquet, but she held it together gracefully. Her daughter, Jenny was thrilled to be getting a new father. Her own apparently died when she was too little to remember him, so it was a big deal to her. For her sake, I hoped he would finally get his act together and learn to be a real dad.

Was that even possible?

I've never thought Larry was capable of being a good father, but for some reason, I wasn't totally ruling it out. Maybe the wedding was making me lose sight of reality. Some people cry at weddings, but apparently I lose brain cells. I didn't know what was wrong with me lately. I was finding myself questioning all the things I thought I knew about nearly everything. I just needed to make it to the reception for the open bar. That would take care of all my crazy thoughts.

My father tried to insist on hiring a limo to take us from the church to the reception. It seemed like an unnecessary expense to me with such a small wedding party. Other than Matt and me, there was only Larry's brother Joe, that I had seen a total of three times in my life, and Greta's daughter Jenny. My half-sister Tina was supposed to be a bridesmaid as well, but her mother called Larry last week and told him she changed her mind and wouldn't be coming.

Too bad I couldn't get away with that!

I did manage to get my way at least with the transportation. Kat had me get into the truck first so that I would be the one sitting next to Matt, something she never did. She didn't even change the radio station when angry heavy metal music started blaring through the speakers. She just sat quietly looking out the side window. Matt didn't seem to notice anything was different as he sang along the whole way to the reception.

When we arrived I pulled Kat into the bathroom to see what was up with her.

"Did you two get in a fight or something?"

She closed her eyes for a long moment, then started reapplying her lipstick like nothing was wrong. "No, why? Did he say we did?"

I looked over my best friend. She was trying to act like nothing was up for some reason and I debated with myself whether or not I should let her get away with it for the night.

"No, he didn't say anything but you both have been acting strange since we left the church. Everything was fine at the house, so what happened?"

Kat sat down on the cushioned bench in the sitting area of the restroom. "Nothing happened. He told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about." Kat sighed and looked blankly at the tacky artwork on the wall.

"Did he say what about?" A month ago, my first thought would be that he was going to break up with her, but now, I seriously doubted that was the case.

"No, but I have an idea." She didn't need to elaborate further.

Kat was convinced Matty was on the verge of telling her he loved her for weeks now, and from what he told me, she was probably right.

"Well, what are you going to say?"

Despite the fact that Kat was my best friend in the whole world, I just didn't know how she would respond. When we were kids, she professed her love for my brother on a daily basis, but now that we were adults and she was actually in a relationship with him, she was questioning her feelings.

Two elderly ladies I vaguely recognized as part of my father's family walked in the restroom, giving us disapproving looks as they walked past.

"We better get out there." Kat took my hand and pulled me up, putting an end to our conversation.

My father and Greta wanted to keep the wedding small, but there was still more than fifty people attending. Nearly everyone was family or friends of Larry with the exception of one table near the bar that was a group of single women that Greta worked with. Not one brought a date. They all eyed every man that walked by without a girl on his arm like he was a five pound steak and they were hungry lionesses.

We were about to go find our table when my father hurried over, calling my name.

"I've been trying to find a chance to talk to you this past week, Kitten. I'm guessing you aren't too busy right now?" He tried to avoid looking accusing, but I knew he was unhappy that I'd been avoiding his calls all week.

"Uh, sure."
Really, what else could I say at that point?

We walked into a sitting room, probably set up for the bridal party to wait in while the wedding guests arrived. Larry sat down and took a deep breath. He looked nervous, rubbing over his temples several times before speaking.