Taking Chances (Learning to Love) (22 page)

"Lexi, I've been wanting to talk to you about something for a long time now, but I just didn't know how to begin. I guess I should have tried harder to find a way. Maybe I am the coward you make me out to be."

I felt a twinge of guilt. "I didn't say you were a coward." We both knew I thought it though.

"No, I guess you didn't actually say it." He shifted in his seat and took a deep breath. "Look, Matt and I had a long talk and it made me realize this couldn't wait any longer."

I sat down on the overstuffed sofa next to Larry and waited for him to continue.

"I know you think I abandoned you when your mother and I broke up, that I didn't want you to be a part of my life, but, it's just not true."

Larry took my hand and turned to face me. I could see the pain in his face and as much as I didn't want to believe a word that man said, I stayed quiet and let him go on.

"I tried to make things work with your mother for years. She just wasn't able to let me love her. She has so many of her own issues that it became impossible to even try to make things bearable. She used to follow me to work and wait outside to see if I was meeting other women. She would corner coworkers in the parking lot and accuse them of having an affair with me. I swear to you, Kitten, I never even thought of cheating on your mother until the last year we were together."

Well, at least he admits he's a cheater
.

I pulled my hand from him and inched over on the sofa.

"Look, I know it was wrong, but I'm only human. Your mother, she made life really difficult. I was never allowed to touch her, not even a hug, because she insisted that I was dirty from the other women. Yet she would throw herself into tantrums because she felt so alone."

Vague images on my mother crying hysterically flashed through my mind. I could see her on the floor begging him to want her. I remembered feeling angry with him for leaving her there, ignoring her. My mother always told me that he never wanted her, that he wanted other women instead.

"I held out as long as I could to be with you,Matt, and Angie, but there came a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I know it's wrong, but when I met someone else, I took the opportunity to try to have a normal life."

And leave your children behind.

I got up, no longer wanting to sit next to him on the sofa. Even if what he said was true, it doesn't excuse leaving me behind and cutting me completely out of his life.

"A normal life that didn't include your children."

"Lexi, that's not how it was. I tried to stay in your life, but she made that so difficult. It was only hurting you for me to try." Larry got up and walked over to me, trying to get me to look at him.

I pushed him away and went over to the window. "But you didn't try. You just walked out and moved on."

"No, sweetheart, I didn't. I showed up at the house every weekend to see you, which was all your mother would allow. She would tell me a time then change it. By the time I was allowed to show up, you were in tears because you thought I wasn't showing up. She wouldn't let me talk to you to explain. She filled your head full of lies and refused to let me have the chance to tell you the truth. Matt tried to tell you what was going on but you always believed her. It was like you wanted to think I abandoned you." Larry sat back down on the overstuffed sofa and dropped his head into his hands.

"How can I believe you after all these years? I'm sure if all this was true, you could have found a time to talk to me sooner?"

"You mother had me banned from going to your school. Every letter I sent you she returned. If I tried sending letters through Matt she punished him for it. Lexi, after all these years with your mother, there must be at least a small part of you that can believe me. She is a miserable, crazy woman, who does her best to hurt everyone around her."

I had to stop and consider what my father was saying. My mother
was
crazy, but what he was saying, could it really be true? Most of my memories from that time faded. I didn't need to remember the pain of feeling like my father abandoned me. I did my best to forget the whole time period between when he left and when I was old enough to spend as little time in that house as possible.

"I promise you, I did not abandon you. I wanted to be in your life, then
and
now. Just give me another chance. Please?"

He looked up at me with sad eyes. A twinge in my chest called out to let him back into my life, to give him a chance to be my father without any interference from my mother. The little voice in my head yelled above the twinge telling me not to trust the lying, cheating bastard.

"There are plenty of reasons not to trust you, Dad. It's not just the stuff from back then. This is your seventh marriage. Clearly, you aren't the best with commitment and follow through. Why should I believe that you really mean this and aren't going to just walk right back out of my life?"

I waited for the excuses to come. Larry was good at sweet-talking and making people think his intentions were pure in order to get his way.

"You're right. I have been married seven times. The first when I was eighteen. I was young and stupid and it was doomed from the start. Then I married Veronica, who died after a year. Your mother was next and the longest so far. After your mother I was just looking to get out of that life and find some happiness so I married the first girl who came along. I really did try to make a go of that one. We had Tina but she was only slightly less crazy than your mother. I knew I had to get out of there fast before it turned out just like things before. After that I married Peg, who at first was a really great girl. About a year into it she started using crack. I told her she had to choose between me and the drugs, and she didn't choose me."

I sat back down next to Larry, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, probably for the first time ever, and let him finish his story.

"I waited a long time after Peg before I met Barbara. I wasn't planning on getting married again. With my track record, clearly it wasn't working out well for me, but I guess that's just how I was raised. I tried to convince myself that having it on paper made it more of a commitment. My own father never married my mother. He justified his other relationships by saying they weren't married so it was all right. I didn't want to be like him."

Larry shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. Talking about Barbara was clearly difficult for him.

"You don't have to explain all of this. It's none of my business."

"I want to explain. You have a right to know the truth about me, good and bad."

I was no longer angry with him. Though I didn't agree with so many marriages, I could see how he justified them to himself.

"I really thought Barbara was going to be the one to last. She was a great girl. She had a good job. She loved to cook. We had so much in common and always laughed together. She wasn't the least bit crazy and didn't even drink, much less use drugs. I was really happy with her."

"So why did you leave her?"

"I didn't. She met someone else and filed for divorce without even letting on that anything was wrong." Pain flashed across his face before he returned to the window, still not quite over the painful memory.

"Oh," was all I could manage. Part of me wanted to tell him it was karma for all his cheating, but after hearing his story, I realized that I really had no evidence he cheated on any one of his wives except my mother. If what he said about his relationship with her was true, I couldn't even blame him for that.

"Lexi, I know you think I'm a bad person, that I'm some sort of adulterous, child abandoning pig, but those are just lies your mother used to hurt us both. It's just not reality."

Greta stuck her head in the room looking relieved.

"I've been looking everywhere for you, babe. We are needed out there." She smiled sweetly at me and gave my father a 'hurry up' look before disappearing back to the reception.

"Well, I better get back. I know this was a lot to take in, but I hope you will consider what I said. I really do want to be part of your life, Kitten. I love you more than you will ever know."

Before I had a chance to protest, he pulled me against him in a hug and kissed the top of my head the way Matt did. I almost let 'I love you too Dad' slip out of my mouth, but caught it at the last second. I hadn't even considered feeling anything short of anger or indifference for the man in longer than I could remember, but at that moment, something inside me wanted to return the sentiment.

It was probably a good time for a drink.

I stopped off at the bar for some fruity concoction that was supposed to be made in honor of Larry and Greta's relationship. Whether a relationship needed a drink was questionable, but it had vodka and tasted sweet, so I was in.

Back at the table I expected to find my brother and Kat but neither were anywhere to be found. The waiters were in the process of clearing off the salad course. I hoped it wasn't going to be another seven courses of wasted food. No one needs six or eight plates of food in one evening. A simple salad, entree, and dessert is more than enough.

Dad and Greta were currently doing the whole garter and bouquet thing so it was probably a good time for me to get some fresh air. The weather cooperated perfectly for the wedding. It was a cool day with a beautiful breeze. The sun shown down on my shoulders leaving me with a pleasant warm feeling. I somehow felt lighter, less dragged down. I wanted to blame the weather for that feeling, but I couldn't deny that the talk with my father may have contributed, at least a tiny bit.

I was about to head for the flower garden to sit and take in the perfect day when I noticed a familiar blonde getting into a taxi near the valet.

"Kat?" I called her name but she only briefly turned to look in my direction then closed the door behind her.

It didn't make sense that Kat would be leaving and certainly not in a taxi. I looked around for any sign of Matt, but other than his truck sitting right where we left it, he was nowhere to be found. I pulled out my cell and tried texting Kat first and then my brother. Neither answered.

Now I was really confused.

I went back inside and looked around for Matt, even peeking inside the men's room for a sign of him, but nothing.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Greta asked, taking my hand to gently soothe my obvious, near panic state.

"I can't find Matt. Kat, she left in a taxi. Something is wrong." I let her lead me over to a white velvet bench in the corner.

"I saw the two of them fighting while you were talking with your father. Kat stormed out in one direction and Matt in another. Sweetheart, I think they broke up." Greta frowned, genuine empathy filled her warm brown eyes.

"Broke up? No, that's can't be right." I shook my head, not wanting to hear her words. Matt loved her, why would he break up with her?

"I'm sorry. I think I saw Matt headed out by the gazebo, if you want to go look for him." Greta stood up slowly, looking like she might just fall back down. I wanted to stay there and make sure she was all right, but first I had to check on my brother. It really was impossible not to like that woman.

I followed the path around to the back where the gazebo sat surrounded by fragrant flowers. Matt sat on a bench facing away from me, hunched over. He didn't move or even look up when I approached, but I could tell he had been crying.

I sat on the bench next to him and nudged him over to make room for me. "Matty, what happened?"

"My fate, I guess." He wiped any evidence of tears away and scrubbed his hands over his face.

"What do you mean, your fate?"

"She left. She walked out, doesn't want to be with me."

It took me a moment to process what he said. "
She
broke up with
you
? Why?" That was definitely not what I was expecting. I always figured their relationship would end, but not by Kat.

"I told her I loved her, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

"Okay, and...?"

"And nothing. She doesn't love me back. I don't know why I thought anyone could fall in love with me. Even our own mother couldn't love me."

I knew Kat wasn't sure about her feelings for Matt, but somehow I figured that when the time came that he told her how he felt, she would come to her senses. I saw the way she looked at him and it sure looked like love to me.

What the hell was I even thinking?

Until that moment, I didn't even think love like that existed.
Until that moment
. Everything in my head swirled around in a muddy mess of confusing emotions. I thought about my dad and Greta, Jamie and Justin, Kat and my brother, it all became clear in a way I never before saw. They loved each other. Even if Kat didn't see it, I knew she loved Matty. I had no idea if it was possible for love to last, but I couldn't deny its existence any longer.

I put my arm around Matt and tried to comfort him the way he always did for me. He leaned in and let the tears he was holding back fall for a moment before wiping them away onto his suit jacket.

"I think I just need to be alone. You think you can get a ride home?" he asked, standing and made his way to the other side of the gazebo.