That McCloud Woman (19 page)

But
Alayna couldn't allow him to say the words she knew he was going to say. She
leaned over, and wrapped her arms around him from the back, pressing her cheek
against his. "It wasn't your fault, Jack."

"I
shouldn't have let him go near the water."

"But
you didn't know that Billy couldn't swim."

"Still…"

Frustrated
by his insistence on shouldering the burden of guilt alone, Alayna withdrew her
arms from around him, and knelt on the floor at his side. Taking his hand in
hers, she squeezed, forcing his gaze to hers. "This is about more than
Billy isn't it, Jack?"

Sucking
in a raw breath, he tore his gaze away from hers.

She
squeezed tighter. "It is, isn't it, Jack? This is about your son."

He
bolted to his feet, tearing his hand from her grasp. He stared down at her, his
chest heaving. "Don't try digging around in my head, Doc. I told you
before, you might not like what you find there."

Alayna
rose, too. "Jack," she said softly, reaching for him.

He
took a step back and away from her, lifting his hands high to avoid her touch.
Then he turned and stalked to the window. Alayna stared at his stiff back, her
heart breaking. She wanted so badly to help him, to comfort him. She dropped
her chin to her chest. But how could she help him when he refused to talk to
her, refused her offer of comfort?

"It
was my week to have him."

At
the sound of his voice, Alayna slowly lifted her head, afraid to move for fear
that he would stop talking.

"He
had just turned four and he and his mother were going out of town. I was
supposed to drop him off at her house on Friday afternoon. On the way there, I
got a page from my office. We were nearby, so I decided to just whip by the
office and see what the problem was. Josh loved going to my office."

She
could see Jack's reflection on the glass, and saw the soft smile that the
memory of his son drew.

"He
liked to sit at my drafting board and draw pictures. And he liked to build
forts from the brick samples we kept on hand." He drew in a deep breath,
and firmed his lips, leaning to brace his hands against the window-sill.
"I had my secretary call Susie and tell her that I was going to be late.
That really peeved Susie off. Within minutes she was storming into my office,
screaming at me and telling me what a lousy father I was, what an even lousier
husband I had been, and that this was a perfect example of how she couldn't rely
on me for anything." He paused, his fingers tightening on the sill.
"Josh started crying. He hated it when we fought. But his tears seemed to
anger Susie even more. She grabbed him and tore out of my office." He
pushed from the ledge and stood tall, folding his arms across his chest, his
gaze narrowed on the glass. "That was the last time I saw my son alive.
They were both killed in an accident less than an hour later."

"It
wasn't your fault, Jack."

He
grunted, but kept his gaze on the window. "Yeah, I know. At least I do
here," he said, stabbing a finger viciously against his temple. "But
my heart," he said his voice softening as he dropped his hand to massage
at his chest, "tells me different. If I'd taken Josh to his mother's instead
of stopping by the office, as I was supposed to, then maybe things would've
turned out differently. Maybe they wouldn't have been on that stretch of road
when the 18-wheeler lost control and hit them."

With
all her education, with all her experience in dealing with people with
emotional and psychological problems, people who had experienced grief as
deeply as Jack had, Alayna should have been able to think of something to say
to him. Something that would take away his guilt, or, at the very least, ease
it.

But
she could think of nothing. Nothing.

And
she knew the reason why. She loved Jack. She didn't know when her feelings for
him had deepened to that level, but they had. And because she loved him, she'd
lost her objectivity, her ability to offer him anything other than her comfort.

And
he didn't seem to want even that from her.

She
moved to stand behind him and lifted her hand, wanting to touch him, to
reassure him, to give him the solace of her heart. But he must have sensed her
intent because he stiffened and shifted away.

"Go
home, Alayna," he said, his gaze fixed on the window. "Molly needs
you. And Meggie needs you. I'll stay with Billy. I give you my word that I'll
keep him safe this time."

Alayna
felt the tears rise. They burned her throat, stung her eyes. Slowly she turned
away. At the door, she paused and looked back.
I love you, Jack,
she wanted to say.
We all do.

"Jack?"

Jack
jerked up his head, instantly awake. Billy lay in the bed opposite him, his
eyes open and filled with fear. The monitor that had bleeped during the night
was silent. Jack wondered when the nurse had turned it off, and felt guilty
that he'd fallen asleep during his watch.

Jack
rose quickly, and braced his hands on the side of the bed. "It's okay,
champ," he said, his voice thick with emotion. When he saw the boy's lips
tremble, he lifted a hand and combed the hair from the child's forehead.
"You're going to be just fine. I promise."

Billy
stared up at him, his eyes filled with tears. "Are y-you mad at me?"

His
heart nearly breaking, Jack eased up on the bed beside Billy. Wrapping an arm
around the boy's shoulders, he drew him to his side. "No, I'm not mad at
you, son."

"But
I lied. I told you I could swim and I couldn't."

Jack
laughed weakly, relieved to see that Billy was all right, and that the kid was
more concerned about the lie he'd told than he was about his close brush with
death. "You sank like a rock."

Billy
inched closer, pressing himself against Jack's side. "I know. And it was
spooky. I kept trying to find my way back to the top, but it was dark. I guess
I got lost."

Jack
hugged the boy tighter against him. "Yeah, I guess you did. But you're
going to be all right now."

The
door opened with a soft
whoosh
and Billy and Jack both looked
up. Alayna's head appeared in the doorway. Her gaze met Jack's and locked, then
she forced her gaze on to Billy's. She smiled, her eyes filled with a mixture
of tenderness and relief as she looked at him. "You're awake."

He
rubbed a hand over his head, mussing his hair, embarrassed. "Yeah."

She
opened the door wider. "I brought someone to see you."

She
stepped to the side, revealing a very frightened Molly who stood in the opening
holding her Teddy.

"It's
okay, Molly," Billy said, with a wry grin. "I ain't dead or
nothin'."

Molly
tucked the bear under her arm and ran across the room. At the side of the bed,
she stopped and held up her bear. "You can keep Teddy so you won't be
afraid."

Billy
scowled, his face turning red. "I ain't scared." When he saw Molly's
disappointment, he reached for the bear. "I'll keep him, though. Just in
case."

Molly
beamed a smile, then climbed up on the bed and parked herself beside Billy.
"I'm not scared, neither," she said, leaning close to whisper in
Billy's ear. "Not anymore."

Jack
wasn't sure which it was—the gift of the bear, or Molly's admission that she
wasn't afraid any more—but he suddenly felt a lump in his throat the size of a
watermelon. He stole a glance at Alayna and saw that she was standing, staring
at her makeshift family, her fingers pressed against her lips, tears glistening
in her eyes. Obviously the little scene between Billy and Molly had moved her
as much as it had Jack.

But
Jack didn't belong in this scene. He wasn't a part of this family. He didn't
want to be a part. He eased his arm from around Billy's shoulders and off the
bed. "I guess I better head home. I've got work to do."

"Don't
go, Jack!" Billy cried.

Jack
set his jaw. "Alayna's here now. She'll stay with you." He turned
quickly away, and dragged his cap from the bedside table. He jerked it on his
head as he headed for the door. "Call if you need me," he said to
Alayna as he passed by her.

Then
he was gone.

Jack
worked like a madman, completing one job only to race on to the next. He was a
man with a mission … and his mission was to finish the remodeling job and get
the hell off the Double-Cross Heart Ranch and as far down the road as he could
get.

He
never should have taken the job in the first place, he told himself as he laid
tile on the newly remodeled bathroom floor. He should've just kept driving,
chasing that white line, burning up miles while he tried to outrun his guilt,
his grief.

He
tore out the weathered boards that sealed off the fireplace, and cursed himself
for being a fool.

He
scraped chunks of dried caulk from around the windowpanes and prayed that he
could finish the job before he lost his resolve.

He'd
told himself that he wouldn't let them get to him—Alayna or her brood of
kids—but somehow they'd managed to slip inside his heart when he wasn't
looking.

He'd
thought for sure he'd died in that car wreck with his son over six months
before, or convinced, at least, that his heart had died. But he'd discovered
that his heart was still beating. He could still feel pain. He still had the
ability to care.

And
he didn't want to care. He didn't want to hurt anymore.

And
he didn't want to hurt anyone else.

At
night, when he should've been sleeping, when the Pond House was dark and Alayna
and the kids were safe in their beds, he'd slip out to the barn and work on the
old harvest table. He'd give her that, he promised himself. He'd give Alayna
the table that had seemed to mean so much to her.

But
he couldn't give her any more than that.

He
just didn't have it to give.

"He's
leaving."

Mandy
glanced from the baby she held to Alayna who was standing at the sink, her arms
hugged around her waist, staring out the kitchen window. "Who? Jack?"

Alayna
nodded.

Mandy
shifted Meggie to her shoulder and crossed to the sink to stand beside Alayna.
She looked out the window and saw Jack tossing old lumber onto the bed of his
truck. "Looks to me like he's working," Mandy said dryly, "not
packing."

Alayna
let her arms drop and turned away, unable to bear the pain of looking at him
any longer. "That's just it. He works from dawn till dusk, without ever
taking a break. He doesn't even come to the house for dinner anymore."

Mandy
followed Alayna to the table and sat down beside her. "Has he said
anything about leaving?"

Alayna
picked up a plastic toy of Meggie's and slowly turned it in her hands.
"No. But he wants to. I can sense it."

"He's
a grown man, Alayna. If he wanted to leave, he'd leave."

Alayna
wagged her head. "No. He gave me his word when I hired him that he'd stay
until the remodeling job was finished." She glanced toward the window
again, and caught her lower lip between her teeth. "That's why he's
working so hard. He wants to finish. Jack would never go back on his
word."

Merideth
sailed into the room, fluttering her hands above her head. "Somebody else
has to entertain Billy for a while," she said wearily and sagged down onto
a chair. "I'm pooped."

Alayna
forced a smile and pushed to her feet. "I will," she said, but Mandy
stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"No,
you will not." She rose, shifting the sleeping baby to her shoulder.
"I'll pop in a video for Billy and put the baby down for her nap, then I'm
coming right back down here and we are going to have a talk." She turned
to Merideth. "And you," she said, pointing a stern finger, "are
going to make a batch of
margaritas.
I think we're
going to need one. Maybe two," she added as she headed for the stairs.
"And call Sam," she tossed over her shoulder. "We may need her
input."

Jack
opened the front door and slipped inside. He could hear voices coming from the
kitchen, and assumed that all the women were still gathered in the kitchen.
Kind of late for a gab session, he noted with a glance at the grandfather clock
in the hall. It was after ten. Usually Alayna was in bed by this hour. With a
shrug, he tightened his hand on the burlap sack he carried and headed for the
stairs.

He
had to hand it to them, though, he thought with a nod of approval. The McClouds
stuck together. All three of Alayna's cousins had filled in for Alayna while
Billy had been in the hospital. They'd taken Molly and Meggie home with them
and shared the duties of caring for both girls during Alayna's absence from
home. And after Billy's return from the hospital, they'd been on hand every day
to help Alayna entertain him and to help her out in any way that they could.
And when a boy with as much energy as Billy was confined to bed for a week … well,
he required a lot of entertaining.