The Amish Doll: Amish Knitting Novel (Bonus Knitting Pattern Included) (8 page)

She put her hand on his shoulders and pushed him back in bed. “I’ve already seen plenty.”

Joshua blushed. He must have been awfully sick, because he didn’t remember anything. What did she mean? “Why didn’t my
daed
take care of me, or another man?”

“Your
daed
was sick. I took care of him, too.” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “I’ve worked so hard, only to have you be short with me.”

He took a deep breath. “We appreciate it, but there’s nothing between us anymore. Why are you acting so strange?”

“I still love you, Joshua. I know now you feel the same…”

~*~

Susanna adjusted the oxygen tubes that went up her nostrils. She looked at Rueben sitting in the recliner next to her bed, and her heart went out to him. He’d been sick, too, but came to her as soon as he could. She loved this man of hers and was
glad the air was finally clear between them concerning his past.  She blushed to think she cared if the woman was pretty. How vain… 

The sunbeams poured through the vertical blinds on the window.  Susanna was thankful for sunny days, even though the nurse had told her it was frigid outside. Her heart was like that at times. Susanna thought of her fear of dialysis. It tried to get its icy grip on her and paralyze her, then she’d read her Bible and the light of God’s Word told her to fear not. Then fear held her back again. No amount of coaxing from Rueben or Joshua could make her move forward. She’d refused dialysis until death was knocking at her door. She was glad Rueben told them to start the whole process. It wasn’t as bad as she’d feared.

              Susanna thought of the good news, too. Her cousin, Sarah, was a match. She would be donating a kidney as soon as all the paperwork went through. They’d go to Pittsburgh for the transplant right after Christmas. She closed her eyes and thanked God. Such good news to get on Thanksgiving Day.

Soon a knock at the door was heard and she saw Joshua and Jim Rowe enter. Her son looked at her as if in shock. Did she look that bad?

“
Mamm
, I heard the good news. You’re getting a kidney for Christmas,
jah
?”

She reached her arms out to the son she loved so much. The son who put his life on hold to care for her.  Now he could move on…

~*~

Raven felt the wind whip at her cheeks as she got out of the car. She was so glad to be back to
work and visiting the Yoders. It had been two weeks since she saw them. She noticed a buggy; probably someone bringing a meal, and ran to the side door and knocked. Joshua opened the door and a look of dread spread across his whole face. Was something wrong with Susanna? Raven stepped inside and he took her white coat and blue hat and scarf.

“Joshua, I’m so glad you’re better. We all caught that flu from Eb.”

“
Jah
, and it was a bad one at that.” He shifted his weight.

“Thank you for coming over to help take care of me. I was too forward. I’m sorry.”

“Joshua, what do you mean?”

“I kissed you. Don’t you remember? And you were here, I saw you as plain as day.”

She wished he’d take her in his arms and kiss her for real, but had no idea what he was talking about. Out of the corner of her eye she saw red hair and a dainty figure. It was Lottie. She swayed over and put her arm through Joshua’s. “I’ve tried to tell him he was delirious. I nursed my man back to health. He just got us confused.”

My man? Was he courting Lottie again? With Susanna getting a transplant, she could be the center of attention again. How typical of such a selfish girl.

“Can I talk to you privately?” Joshua asked, his eyes were pleading.  “In the living room?”

She saw Lottie pull her arm out of his and march out of the room, and then she heard feet bang up the stairs. Joshua put his arm around her and led her to the living room. They sat beside each other on one of the benches.  “She’s not my girl. Please tell me it was you who came here and helped me. I did kiss you and need to apologize.”

“It wasn’t me, Joshua. Do you think it was Lottie you kissed? She was taking care of you, right?”

“Well, she was taking care of me when I woke up. But you helped, too. And I kissed you.”

“I became delirious too and thought the boys where aliens when they cared for me. I was afraid and yelled for help. They still think it’s funny. Your mind plays tricks on you. You thought Lottie was me. You kissed her, not me.” Her heart skipped a beat. His natural reaction was to kiss her. She fidgeted with her hands and the ticking of the pendulum clock made the silence awkward. Out of the corner of her eye, Raven noticed Joshua’s face was turning red, so she took his hand. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

To her surprise he cupped her hand and stroked it. He looked up and she saw longing in his blue eyes. Joshua put his hand on her back to pull her closer. Time stood still, until she heard Lottie gasp as she entered the room.

Joshua pulled away from Raven, and seeing how awkward he felt, she bent down and opened up her brief case. “Here are the papers stating you’re approved to be foster parents. How will this work, though, with Susanna leaving for her transplant?”

“I’ll be here. My
daed
will be with her the whole time. It’ll be two months before they’re home…”

“Who will take the place of your
daed
on the farm?”

“My cousin, Lester.”

“I’ll need to run a background check on him, but it can be expedited. Cliffy is peeking out of his shell, but needs to come out the whole way. I was thinking of placing him here. You’d be good for him. Also, I think Timmy still feels invisible. He needs more attention and I know you can deliver on that, too.”

              “
Jah
, I can. I feel invisible sometimes, too. We can be
goot
company for each other.”

For the past three years Joshua had been isolated, spending his time caring for his mom. Raven took his hand. “Joshua, you’ll be free after the transplant. Your life will go back to normal, right? And I’ll come over to visit.”

He squeezed her hand. Lottie made her presence known by coughing loudly. She walked arrogantly over, and putting her hands on Joshua’s back, said, “I’ll be here to keep Joshua company.” She massaged his shoulders.

Raven knew leaving was her best option, wanting to tell the silly girl exactly what she thought. “I need to go. Can I see Susanna before I leave? I bought her more yarn.”

“She’s sleeping. Don’t disturb her,” Lottie said, eyes narrow.

Joshua took Raven by the hand and led her toward the stairs. “My
mamm
will wake up for you to say hello. And she’ll want you to see the shawl she finally finished.” He turned and glared at Lottie before following Raven up the stairs.

Joshua watched as Raven took his
mamm’s
hand and stroked it. He hadn’t seen Lottie show affection like that toward her.  He pulled up a chair for Raven to sit in and sat in the other one in the corner of the room. He noticed Raven’s response to his
mamm
; she looked like a flower opening up in the spring.

If he married, it needed to be a girl who really loved his
mamm
. Yes, she’d have a new kidney, but she’d still need lots of care. Doctor appointments, blood tests, medicine adjustments, and that’s if they were blessed. No, Joshua would be nearby to care for her until her dying day. If only Raven were Amish, he’d have no hesitation to make his feelings known.

How could anyone get to really know Lottie? She was always fickle, but over the past year, something changed her. How she tried to seduce him needed to be told to the bishop, but she’d only say he kissed her first. Didn’t she understand he wasn’t in his right mind? She also mocked the Amish ways, saying
Ordnung
rhymed with boredom. No baptized girl would talk like that. The
Ordnung
was agreed upon by all in the community and if she had some complaint, it could be brought up for discussion. How many times had natural gas stoves been talked about and it was a decided no in the end? Did Lottie want something changed that was forbidden? Was she flirting with worldly ways?  Was she straying from the flock? Was he the only one who knew and did he need to help her?

~*~

Raven plopped on one of the overstuffed chairs in the living room. She had three homes for the boys and Appleton could now accept more clients.  It would be an hour before the boys came home from school and she soaked in the peace and quiet. She thought of Susanna and what she said about God.  Raven would read the book of Matthew the Amish held in such high esteem. She’d pay attention to some story on the mountain. If she had questions, Susanna nudged her to ask Lawrence Turner and spoke highly of him. She had read all the books he’d given her, but still had so many questions. Lawrence suggested going out to eat to talk about it more. 

Her cell phone rang and she saw it was Brandon. Fear swooped over her. Raven froze not knowing what to do, so let it ring and didn’t pick up. Why was she so afraid of him? Saying he wanted to come up to visit her for Christmas made her sick. When would she be able to talk to someone like she did Joshua and Susanna? She felt transparent for the first time. Maybe she needed more practice. Her phone rang again; it was Brandon. She answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Raven, I’ve missed you so much. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Really love it up here in NY again.”

“You said you hated that state. Don’t you miss Florida at all? Or me?”

She didn’t want to be rude, but she needed to be honest. “Brandon, I’ve moved on.”

“I know my temper scared you, but I’ve changed. Couldn’t we just forget my stupidity and pick up where we left off?”

“I don’t know, Brandon.”

“You met someone else? Please, don’t drop that bomb on me.”

“No, I’ve changed. I’m getting, well, I’m getting religious. Reading the Bible and liking it.”

She heard him fumble for words. “I’m not a believer in anything, but if it means a lot to you, it doesn’t matter to me…”

It hit her like ice water being thrown in her face. There was something about God or her spirituality, or whatever you called it, and it did matter a great deal to her. She and Brandon hadn’t seen eye to eye on this and it was part of the wedge that formed between them. How could someone go through life without wondering how they got there? Maybe it’s why she respected the Amish and Lawrence so much.  They seemed to know God was real. “I need time to think, Brandon. You really caught me off guard.”

“I’m impulsive; I admit it. It’s why I didn’t call you: to give you space. You run like a scared deer when someone gets too close.”

His words sent a sharp pain to her chest. He was right about her running away but he said it in a way that shamed her. She’d told Joshua she had a hard time opening up, and yet he accepted that and wanted to know how to help.

“I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk, Brandon.” She hung up the phone and threw it in her purse. She may not be able to be with Joshua, but something about the Christian men she’d met seemed so much better than Brandon. He lacked depth. Maybe she should pay more attention to what Lawrence was trying to teach her, and him too.

Raven heard a knock at the door and tried to regain composure. She opened it, surprised to see Lawrence and Eb.  “Come in. It’s freezing out.”

They stepped inside and she saw Eb look at her with tenderness. He reached out to her and embraced her. “You saved my life.
Danki
.”

For some reason she didn’t pull away, saying it was nothing. “You’re welcome, Eb.”

He took her by the shoulders and she saw tears were in his eyes. “You okay, dear one?”

“Oh, fine. I’ve been over the flu for a week.  Didn’t you see me pull in to the Yoder’s? I meant to stop but had lots to catch up on.” Raven looked up at Lawrence and noticed the genuineness of his smile. Brandon was so shallow in contrast. “Would you two like some hot chocolate? I was going to get some ready for the boys. They’ll be stampeding through here in no time.”

“We can’t stay,” Lawrence said. “Eb’s here for a reason. Go ahead, Eb.”

She saw him take off his black wool hat and fiddle with it. “Joshua told me I was drunk and made a pass at you. I have no recollection of it, but know Joshua doesn’t make up stories. I’m so sorry.”

The shame in his eyes moved her and she reached out and hugged him. “Eb, you don’t need to apologize. You already did.”

She felt him hug her tight. His body started to shake and tears fell on her shoulder. He pulled her back and looked intently at her. “No matter my loss, I have no excuse to turn my back on God and turn to liquor.” He looked up at Lawrence for reassurance.

Lawrence put his large hand on Eb’s shoulder. “Well said.” He looked down at Raven. “Eb and I are doing a program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. He’s been sober for a month now and is going back and making amends to people he cares about. People he feels he may have offended. He made a list and we’re almost done.”

People he cares about? She was someone on that list? Raven took Eb’s hand. “I am so honored I’m even on your list.” She hesitated, not sure whether to ask what was on her mind.  “Have you made amends then with the Amish? “

“God’s working on my heart concerning that. Some things take more time.”

She knew from Susanna that Eb felt abandoned by God since his wife and child were taken, but here he was talking about God.  She looked up at Lawrence. He must be a good Bible teacher to get through to Eb, and didn’t look away when his chocolate brown
eyes held hers.  The next time he asked her to go out to dinner to discuss the Bible, she’d say yes.

~*~

Joshua looked at his Aunt Hannah in disbelief. “You want Lester and Lottie to stay with me during the transplant? Lester, yes.  Lottie, no.”

Shock registered on his aunt’s face. “I thought you two would be announcing your wedding in the spring.”

“Who told you that?”

“Well, no one, I just assumed. You two courted before and I know you took a break with your
mamm
being so sick, but isn’t it natural to pick up where you left off?”

“She broke our courtship because she felt neglected. She’s not the one for me.”

“Joshua, she needs you,” his aunt blurted out, eyes round. “She’s been hurting, too. She’s twenty-one and wants a family. Was just waiting for things to calm down. She hasn’t courted anyone in a year.”

He hadn’t looked at it that way. Maybe Lottie was straying from the Amish ways because she needed him to keep her on the straight and narrow. She hadn’t courted anyone in a year, which did show dedication.  But he felt nothing for her; someone else
was crowding his heart. But Raven wasn’t Amish. He looked at the concern etched on his aunt’s face.  “I’ll think about what you said, but I don’t think it’s wise she stay here while my parents are gone. I can manage.”

“I think it would be nice to have this place done over before your
mamm
gets back, and a woman’s touch is needed. If not Lottie, who else will do it?”

He had over thirty female cousins who could come over and stay.  One of them would have willingly stayed with them over the past two years. They were only really needed during March and April, when the sap was running and making maple syrup consumed their time. “How about Lottie come over in March, when she’s really needed?”

“Joshua, I’m trying not to be rude, but this place looks shabby. We couldn’t paint and varnish with my sister being sick, but she’ll be gone. Lottie will have this place spick and span. You need new curtains, too.” She put both hands on her hips and held her ground.

“Let me talk to Lottie before I say yes…”

~*~

Joshua was glad it was a full moon. Traveling at night was much easier. He looked up at the clear sky and was amazed at the
star-studded blackness. The heavens declare the glory of God, Joshua thought. He heard an owl hoot, but all was silent.

He hadn’t been out at night for a buggy ride since he courted Lottie. She’d snuggle up against him and they’d talk of their dreams for the future. When he asked her to marry him last year and move in with his family, helping to care for his mamm, she recoiled. She wanted her new house with a large living room so she could have her friends over to quilt. She reminded him of his promise to build a new house. How they argued. He accused her of being selfish, and she said he was insensitive and demanding. Was he? Why was she willing to help now? He’d soon find out.

As Joshua approached the house, he saw a car parked down the road from it, near the cornfield. He pulled in the driveway, hopped out of the buggy, and made his way to the side door. Mary answered.

“Come in and have something hot to drink.”

“How are you Mary? I hear you’ve been approved to be foster parents.”

“
Jah
, Raven stopped by to tell us. She seemed sad, though. I think she’s more attached to those boys than she’ll admit.”

“She has a big heart,” Joshua said. “We’ll have to make sure the boys visit her.”

“Poor girl doesn’t have folks, can you imagine? Being alone in the world like that?”

“It makes her all the more special; she gives out of her lack, like the woman in the Bible who gave the two coins, all she had.”

He saw Mary look at him, eyes wide. “You speak so fondly of her.”

“I do? Well, she’s a trusted English friend, like the Rowes’.” He wiped some snow off the bottom of his trousers to escape her penetrating gaze. Was it so obvious he cared for Raven? “I came to visit Lottie.”

Mary smiled broadly. “Well, she went to Wal-Mart, but I’m sure she’ll be home soon. She’s been gone a few hours.”

“I’ll come back another time. Beautiful night for a drive.” He nodded to Mary and walked out onto the porch.  He saw the same car he’d seen on the road pull in the drive way and Lottie sprung out.

“Joshua, how
goot
to see you.”

A male driver, his age, opened his door and didn’t look at him. He opened the trunk and started carrying in grocery bags. He brushed past Joshua as he entered the house. When he came back out he looked at Lottie sternly, and then grinned. “Call me when you need a ride.”

He saw Lottie turn red and put her head down. When the car pulled out of the driveway and down the road, she looked up at Joshua.  “He’s a new driver.”

“I saw you parked down the road. What’s going on?”

She looked down again, fumbling for words. “He, ah, said his car didn’t sound right and stopped to check on something.”

“Why not check it in the driveway, in clear view of the family?”

Anger shot out of her eyes. “Because his car made a bad noise down the road. You don’t drive a car and he does.  I think he knows best.”

Joshua couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t know a thing about cars. “Why a male driver? Women take women on long drives.”

“His
mamm
was supposed to take me but she’s sick. He did a good deed and took me instead.” He saw her draw close to him and her face soften. “Are you jealous?”