Authors: Betony Vernon
The Boudoir Bible (5 page)
Ceremonies take place at predetermined times and places, and like any other art form, they incorporate tools and techniques that amplify the final result and the overall impact of the ritualized expression. As master voice coach Patsy Rodenburg, who uses the works of Shakespeare as her pedagogical medium, explains in her book
The Second Circle: How to Use Positive Energy for Success in Every Situation
: “Rituals prepare your body for the sacred, and they release your energy, feelings, and thoughts. They open the body to receive wisdom and clarity, and to release and purge negativity.”
No matter the genre or the motivation, ceremonies mark the difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary, between the sacred and the profane, and the concept of sexual ritual is by all no means new. Pre-Judeo-Christian cultures integrated the sacred sexual union and religion through fertility cults, as means to both venerate the gods and procure transcendental pleasures. The sexual ritual was used to push the limits of existence, to crack the doors to mysterious realms that lie beyond the earthly confines of the human body. Body and spirit were not considered to be opposing forces in conflict until the advent of monotheism.
Beyond the borders of Western culture, the philosophical disciplines of Taoism in China (circa 600 B.C.) and Tantric Buddhism in India (circa 300 B.C.) evolved highly sophisticated rituals of erotic loving. Deeply influenced by the fertility cults that preceded them, both the Taoists and the Tantrists viewed the sexual union in the context of a spiritual aspiration. The ultimate goal of their ecstatic rituals was neither to release sexual tension nor to merely procreate, but to achieve oneness—with one’s partner, one’s self, and with the entire universe. Sexual satisfaction was associated with overall well-being and longevity. Sex was venerated for its capacity to heighten one’s perceptions and to potentially lead to the attainment of spiritual enlightenment.
The Taoists used the sexual vibration to establish and maintain the balance between the masculine and feminine forces. One of the principal goals of their intimate endeavors was to open and align the energy centers of the body through euphoric pleasure. The Tantrists also used the healing flux of the sexual vibration. To disintegrate energy blocks that negatively affect body, mind, and spirit, they sought to align the body’s energy centers, the
chakras
, or “wheels” of vital energy, as they are called in Sanskrit. Both disciplines developed techniques to facilitate ejaculation control in order to prolong the duration of the sexual union and thereby channel the sexual vibration to ecstatic effect, both in and beyond the boudoir. Lack of
sexual skill was considered detrimental to both the satisfaction and the overall well-being of the sexually mature aspirant.
In the West, the ancient Greeks also developed highly evolved sexual ceremonies; their ritual endeavors were similar to those of the Tantrists and Taoists, in that the ultimate goal was illumination. They used various tools and techniques in order to provoke frenzy, which ideally would induce what they termed
ektasis. Ektasis
was appreciated as a path toward sexual satisfaction and for its inducement of the loss of ego. This state would eventually lead to
enthousiasmos
, or the possession of a mere mortal by a god. The Greeks believed that this divine encounter, or
Logos
, was the embodied creative principle that sets all life into motion, as well as the culmination of the sexual experience. Like the practitioners of the Eastern disciplines of erotic loving, the Greeks ritualized their sexual endeavors as a means to guarantee the prosperity of the individual, the spiritual evolution of the people, and the welfare of the community as a whole.
There is a scientific explanation for our ancient ancestors’ association of sex with universal oneness, divine encounters, and transcendence: the effects of pleasure-enhancing hormones and endorphins. Mutual attraction strums the pleasure centers of the brain, which respond by transmitting signals to various parts of the body, including the endocrine system. The endocrine system is composed of eight major glands—the pituitary (which works in tandem with the hypothalamus), the pineal, the thyroid (with its accompanying parathyroid), the thymus, the adrenal glands, the pancreas, and the gonads, or the testes in men and the ovaries in women. When we are sexually aroused, the function of the endocrine glands is turned up a notch or two, and the production and release into the bloodstream of hormones and pleasure-enhancing
endorphins are increased. The locations of the endocrine glands correspond to the locations of the seven principal chakras, according to Ayurveda, the traditional Hindu system of medicine.
The pituitary gland lies deep inside the seat of the brain, and its corresponding chakra, the “third eye,” is located between the eyes. The pituitary gland regulates the secretion of several hormones, including oxytocin, a.k.a. the “love hormone.” This natural antidepressant is associated with intimate bonding, so it is not surprising that an orgasm causes the flow of this hormone to surge. Two people who are genuinely sexually attracted to each other produce more pleasure-enhancing hormones than people who are not, and this is one of the many reasons why being in love can feel so good.
The pituitary gland also produces endorphins. The term “endorphin” is a combination of “endogenous” (meaning “originating from the body”) and “morphine.” Endorphins have a chemical structure that resembles that of opiates, and just like any other mind-altering substance, the body’s natural “love drugs” can alter the perception of body, time, and space as well as increase tolerance to pain and incite feelings of pleasure and euphoria. Endorphins also provoke that uncontrollable sense of dependency, if not downright addiction, that is intrinsic to new love.
The pituitary gland works in synchronicity with a neighboring organ called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus not only secretes hormones and synthesizes endorphins but also serves as a link, via the pituitary gland, to both the nervous system and the endocrine system. The hypothalamus produces the hormone dopamine, which is known to open doors to new sensory dimensions by inducing a “drifty” sense of happiness and serenity.
Some of the hormones that are produced readily during sexual arousal work as neurotransmitters—they “stroke” the pleasure centers of the brain. For example, the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, a natural amphetamine, induces sensations of euphoria and enhances our overall perception of pleasure, including that of the orgasm.
Norepinephrine is produced in the adrenal glands, which are positioned atop the kidneys. The root chakra, located in the perineum between the genitals and the anus, corresponds with both the adrenal glands and the gonads. The adrenal glands also produce adrenaline, which triggers the well-known “fight or flight” response.
“Fast” PGO sexual encounters cannot incite endorphin/hormone elation, while the skilled elaboration of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony
will
prompt endocrine synchronicity. Over extended and intense periods of lovemaking, the inebriating effects of the body’s “love drugs” become increasingly evident. Rituals that involve a combination of genital and extra-genital stimulation are capable of inducing trancelike states that have been described as an out-of-body experience, a high, or “sexual flight.”
The chemistry of pleasure is a fascinating topic that deserves more space than can be afforded here. But it is important to mention that unlike chemical or artificial mind-altering substances, the body’s natural love drugs are known to revive body, mind, and spirit. They cannot produce negative side effects, as long as lovers avoid getting so high that they unintentionally break limits that have been established before the ritual begin.
Just as the brain increases endocrine activity during arousal, it also emits varying electrical frequencies. Understanding the activity of alpha and theta brain waves in relation to pleasure helps to further explain why our forefathers and foremothers considered sex to be sacred.
The alpha brain-wave frequency is emitted in association with the creative forces of passion, intuition, inspiration, emotions, daydreams, fantasy, and desire, nurturing every single creative impulse into being, including the enigmatic, seemingly uncontrollable libido
itself. When your sexual desire is sparked by the senses, by a fantasy, or simply by the way someone looks at you, the most primal recesses of the right side of the brain perceive an impulse and activate the emission of the alpha brain-wave frequency. The same frequency is also emitted during the stage of rapid eye movement, or REM, sleep, when alpha waves are also present. During sexual arousal, the dance of the alpha frequency is radically amplified in both the receiver and the provider of sensations, and even more so if sensations are being administered in a ritualized context. The alpha brain-wave frequency is associated with calm, focused, trancelike states.
Then, as sexual pleasure peaks, the brain-wave frequency switches to theta, which induces a brief but ultra-deep cerebral slumber, even as the body is writhing under the uncontrollable influence of the orgasmic wave. The theta frequency is not only emitted during orgasm, but also during deep sleep, when little or no dream activity occurs, as well as when one is under hypnosis or in a trance.
Practitioners of meditation learn to trigger the theta brain-wave frequency through the mastery of the mind. Practitioners of yoga attain similar results via positions, known as
asana
, coupled with breath-control techniques, or
pranayama
. Skilled lovers will incur similar benefits, and have all the more fun doing so, by charging each other’s bodies, minds, and spirits with the sexual vibration over extended periods of ritualized playtime.
The combined effects of orgasm, increased endorphin/hormone production, and the emission of the alpha and theta brain-wave frequencies permit me to describe the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony as an erotic meditation. It is in this spirit that the chapters “
The Pleasure Priority: Timing the Ritual
” and “
Eros and Order: Erecting the Temple
” invite you to prioritize the role that sexual pleasure plays in your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. The chapter “
Ascent to Paradise: Orchestrating the Senses
” describes how to fine-tune the senses in order to heighten their pleasure-providing function. The
chapter “
The Joy of Play: The Roles of Provider and Receiver
” encourages you to go beyond the limits of categories and to communicate and take responsibility for your deepest wishes and desires. These chapters in “
Paradise Found: The Sexual Ceremony
” will help you acquire the sexual understanding that permits you to develop and refine your skills, and thus begin to experience heightened degrees of sexual satisfaction. Like the disciplines of yoga and meditation, the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony is a catalyst for our overall health and happiness.
The ideas outlined thus far in these pages were actually the introductory contents of my first Paradise Found Sexual Skills Salon in London. What followed at that salon was the opening of the Boudoir Box. The chapters in “
Transcendental Techniques
,” from “
Expanding the Sexual Arena: Implements of Ecstasy
” to “
X Marks the Sweet Spot: Erotic Flagellation
,” correspond to my demonstration of the implements of desire and techniques of full-body stimulation, as well as the dos and don’ts of these tools and techniques. Both the salon and
The Boudoir Bible
conclude with “
Back to Reality: Coming Down
,” which emphasizes the relevance of reveling in the afterglow together while allowing the endorphin high to subside. My goal with every salon—and with
The Boudoir Bible
—is to inspire with the possibility of enriching one’s sex life and relationships.
What I learned from the first experience of sharing the philosophy of my Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony with a group of open-minded individuals continues to motivate and influence my work today. At the end of that very first salon in London, the journalist who had scribbled the whole time in her red notebook asked me if she could publish an article about her experience that day. I consented, and she thanked me with a hug, exclaiming, “We really should have learned about all of this at school!” She was one of many people who inspired me to write the book you are now holding in your hands.
GARDENS OF EARTHLY DELIGHT
In which sexual self-knowledge becomes the key to the arts of ecstatic love and ascending to the gates of Paradise.
IF WE LEAVE
our sexual gratification to the chance determinants of love or instinct, we will discover that neither guarantees our evolution toward becoming fully realized sexual beings. Many people still believe the age-old myths that intense sexual pleasure is the natural result of true love and that learning more about pleasure, beyond the lessons of experience itself, obliterates the ineffable magic and mystery of the sexual union. Nothing could be further from the
truth. Do not confound a lack of sexual knowledge with magic and mystery. Realizing our sexual identity involves a lifetime’s worth of exploration and discovery, and the adventure that our sex lives represent will be all the more exciting and gratifying if we are equipped with sexual knowledge and skill. Deep satisfaction is the foundation—and sexual knowledge and skill the keystones—upon which healthy sexual relations are built.
Often adults proclaim that they are not creative. If you are one of these adults, remember that in each and every child an artist dwells, and that creative child was once also you. Sex is one of the most creative experiences that you can possibly indulge in as an adult. Become the artist of your sexual destiny!
After all, true masters of any creative endeavor—be they painters, sculptors, musicians, or gourmet chefs—are recognized for their ability to stroke the subtle and refined chords of the inner spirit and, through their art, charge others’ perceptions with their own heightened sense of aesthetics. Skill, when coupled with a good dose of desire and passion, marks the difference between merely bringing creative acts to fruition and creating a masterpiece.
Human beings unite in the garden of sexual delight for many reasons: for pure animalistic fun and pleasure, for self-expression, for adventure, and for the intensity that is the sexual experience. We also seek that sense of deep intimacy, communication, and oneness with another that sex alone can provide; we long to truly abandon ourselves to our lovers and garner the pleasure we naturally merit and that our bodies are ultimately designed to provide.
Obviously, a harmonious sexual unity depends on a combination of factors that go beyond knowledge and skill. The degree to which
partners are emotionally connected radically influences the final outcome of any sexual endeavor. The more intimately we are bound together, the more we are likely to listen to and seek to satisfy each other’s needs, desires, and fantasies. This being said, lovers who decide to transcend the doldrums of everyday sex through the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony do not have to be in love. Nor do they have to be in a monogamous relationship—consolidated loving relationships that ideally permit the safe exchange of bodily fluids are simply not always on the menu. However, partners should be open to experiencing the emotional connection that deep sexual satisfaction instills, whether that connection lasts for one night or for the rest of their lives. Lovers ought to be like-minded and consent to exploring and expanding their sexual, sensory limits together in a ritualized context. Trust and respect are essential ingredients to the positive outcome: a mutually enriching sexual encounter.
Open, honest communication has a positive impact on the sexual experience. By discussing their needs, limits, and desires, lovers can swerve around the negative effects of performance pressure and avoid sexual delusions. Good communication also reduces the risk of overstepping each other’s limits.
An important word on limits: they should not be considered faults or defects. Lovers think they know themselves and each other, but as our sexuality evolves, our limits also change. Limits may, rather, be viewed as potentially ecstatic and liberating “learning curves.”
For many of us, communicating openly about sex may be a source of embarrassment or even great pain. Try not to judge yourself or your lover, and when you feel ready, take the initiative. You may be pleasantly surprised at just how willingly the people you care about listen and communicate. And, in fact, communicating about sex can be a bonding force. Broaching intimate or even seemingly delicate topics with your partner may open new channels of communication as well as doors to unexplored sexual domains.
Before proceeding further, it’s important to broach the anything-but-hot topic of sexual health. Unless it is used in reference to solo masturbation, the expression “safe sex” is an oxymoron. A more accurate description is “safer sex.” These days, the fact is that no matter how lovers fulfill their needs, the sexual union entails a certain degree of risk, be it physical or emotional. Prior to participating in any form of sexual exchange, new lovers are obliged to evaluate (and, when necessary, communicate) the potential dangers, repercussions, and material consequences of their behavior.
Sexually transmitted diseases, a.k.a. STDs, rarely make front-page news anymore, and so some people believe that they are no longer a potential threat. They are fooled by a disconcerting—and ultimately dangerous—nonchalance generated by the lack of reliable, readily available information about sexual health. The fact is that while most STDs can be cured, there is still neither a vaccine nor permanent alleviation of the fatal effects of the retrovirus HIV (human immunodeficiency virus), which causes AIDS (acquired immune-deficiency syndrome).
At the beginning of the 1980s, HIV and AIDS signaled an abrupt deviation in humanity’s sexual evolution. This disease has inflicted greater social, emotional, and physical barriers upon our sex lives than any religious or governing power has ever managed to impose. But it is time that its castrating effects are halted with the diffusion of accurate sexual information, and that the use of the condom becomes as universal as its fame.
Despite medical advances in the treatment of HIV and AIDS, disease-free individuals who are not in monogamous relationships with disease-free partners must take precautions. Avoid putting even the shadow of a doubt over your own well-being or that of your partner(s) by using barriers such as condoms and dams when engaging in sexual
activity that involves the potential exchange of bodily fluids other than saliva. While sex with barriers might not seem as psychologically all encompassing as sex with someone you trust and without these barriers, I cannot overemphasize the fact that the exchange of bodily fluids is a luxury reserved for monogamous, disease-free partners.
In addition, condoms and dams actually have many advantages. Beyond avoiding the exchange of blood, sperm, and vaginal fluids and, therefore, the spread of STDs, they permit us to experience sexual satisfaction beyond the safety of monogamy or the solitude of masturbation. They prevent unwanted pregnancies and allow for multiple partners. Finally, they provide the psychological security that is necessary in order to abandon ourselves to the sexual realm.
A Word on Condoms
Even though barriers are the best way to practice safer sex, they must be used properly and with unfailing discipline in order to be effective against possible dangers:
• Never use the same condom twice. This rule also applies to condoms used on dilettos or vibrators.
• Do not wear two condoms at once. This practice does
not
lead to “even more protection,” but rather to the likelihood of both condoms breaking.
• Wear the correct size of condom. A condom that is too small is uncomfortable and has a very good chance of breaking. A condom that is too large is likely to slip off inside your partner. So find the right size, and stock up!
• Do not use oil-based lubricants. Oil is not latex friendly!
Know your health status, whether you are sexually active or not. If you are not perfectly well, avoid acts that would put your partner or yourself at further risk. Communicate openly—do not count on body language or on whether or not someone “looks healthy.”
While asking a lover to test for transmittable diseases may not seem sexy, seeing that the test results are negative calls for a sexual celebration! Testing for STDs together, like communicating about sexual limits in general, is a sign of mutual trust and respect. Once you and your partner are both certain that you are disease free, honor the results of the blood tests by avoiding the exchange of fluids with anyone else. Respect and protect each other at all times. Nothing makes for hotter sex than safety.
Learning to share in the pleasures of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony is likely to shed valuable light on the essence of your sexual identity as well as your selfhood. To delve deeper into the sexual realm is to delve deeper into the inner self. As joyful as this should be, it may be a difficult, if not painful, experience for some. Safer sex thus also means providing for emotional protection, in case the sexual experience incites emotions that go beyond those that we commonly associate with pleasure.
Unfortunately, an enormous percentage of us were, either deliberately or inadvertently, sexually repressed or even traumatized. Neglect, abuse, violence, and abandonment are not uncommon in childhood or in the lives of sexually mature adults; repercussions from traumatic events should not be ignored. If there are issues that you cannot confront alone or with your partner, do not hesitate to seek professional assistance from a therapist or psychologist.
Though we cannot control or change our past, we can guide and shape our future by working to recognize, rather than repress, the negative influences that sexual trauma, as well as social conditioning, can impose. By unraveling constrictive emotional knots, we begin to take our sexual evolution back into our own hands. By discerning the limits that bind our freedom of sexual expression, we may gradually surmount them and begin to follow our desires without inhibition, in harmony with our needs and fantasies. Learning, accepting, and, if necessary, healing our sexual personae are crucial for being able to share the potentially transcendental powers of sex as well as for overall happiness and well-being.