The Boudoir Bible (9 page)

The penis contains a venous plexus, a concentrated congregation of blood vessels. During arousal, blood rushes into the penis via this venous plexus and remains trapped in the erectile tissues by the contraction of the pelvic muscles, once the organ has assumed its fully erect state. During orgasm, the spinal medulla induces a sudden relaxation of the muscular tension, and the flow of blood into the genitals via the venous plexus is reversed, marking the end of the erection.

Within the female genitals, the formation of the venous plexus is not nearly as concentrated, so the blood flow to and from the genitals is facilitated. This difference in the formation of the venous plexus may be the principal biological explanation for multiple orgasms. Even though the blood engorges the female genitals during arousal in a similar fashion to the male’s, after the point of female orgasm, once the wave of pleasure has crested and subsided, more orgasms may ensue as long as both partners are ready to provide and receive the attention required to encourage blood to surge back into the genitals. The desire of a woman’s partner to continue to provide orgasmic pleasures is as important as her desire to revel in such delights. Women should feel free to “help” their partners generate the powers of multiple orgasms by masturbating themselves, even to orgasm, during the shared pleasures of the Sexual Ceremony. Both partners are guaranteed to benefit from the results!

Women who experience multiple orgasms report increasing levels of intensity with each consecutive climax, rather than the diminishing of intensity acknowledged by men who orgasm and ejaculate more than once during the same encounter. This gradual mounting of pleasure is in part linked to an increase in the production of
endorphins. Women who learn to explore their multiorgasmic capacity are likely to find that the release of sexual tension that a single orgasm provides leaves them feeling more eager than fulfilled. Men who learn to delay the ejaculation reflex and benefit from the pleasures of the internal orgasm will have a similar experience.

Women who have not yet explored their innate multiorgasmic capacity could be said to have “masculinized” their orgasms in order to correspond physically to male partners who themselves have probably not yet explored the benefits of male ejaculation delay. It is important that women not be expected to climax in time with the male and with the same urgency. It is by means of the male’s ejaculation control that his partner is permitted to explore his or her orgasmic capacity to the greatest extent. These benefits and techniques are further described in the chapter “
Riding the Orgasmic Wave: Male Ejaculation Control
.”

In 1905, after analyzing the differences between female orgasms in association with vaginal penetration and those born from purely clitoral contact, the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud stated that women who did not experience orgasms from penetration were sexually immature. Today it is commonly understood that the majority of women do not actually experience orgasm through penetration alone, but through direct or indirect clitoral stimulation and/or contact with the G-spot or the A-spot during the act of penetration.

In fact, sexually experienced women report having four different kinds of orgasms: from the clitoris, the G-spot, the U-spot, and from the A-spot, or the anterior fornix erogenous (AFE) zone. There are also women—and men—who report having orgasms without any genital contact at all, but simply via mental fantasy; during the practice of
Kegel exercises; or through the stimulation of nipples, ears, neck, buttocks, or the feet. Both men and women are even capable of having orgasms during sleep—the body is, in fact, an incredible organism!

The clitoris is, however, the most common source of the female orgasm. Primarily fueled by the pudendal nerve, the pleasures that the clitoris provides are genitally localized. Orgasms that are linked to the A-spot and the G-spot provoke deeper sensations, as well as the potential for more emotional responses—even catharsis. This is due to the fact that both these spots are connected to the emotional centers of the brain by the powerful pelvic splanchnic nerve. Because expressing emotions opens the heart, these types of orgasms are known to increase the sense of intimacy between partners.

Self-knowledge and awareness facilitate sexual communication, which increases the likelihood that your partner will be able to acknowledge and provide you with what pleases you most. When we are familiar and comfortable with our genitals, it is easier to invite our lovers to assist and share in the pleasures they provide, without inhibition.

We tend to masturbate in a hurry as a means of discharging sexual tension. Approaching masturbation as a ritual entails setting more time aside for pleasuring yourself—to explore the body and experience the effects of new sensations before sharing them with a lover. Ritual masturbation can be used to map the body’s sensory range of pleasure. By becoming aware of your own responses to different forms of stimulation, and even observing yourself in a mirror, you will better understand your own desires (see
plate I
). Nothing is sexier than a lover who knows what she or he needs.

Many people associate masturbation with solitude and moments when sex with a partner is not possible. This has perpetuated one of
the greatest myths surrounding masturbation: that we should stop pleasuring ourselves once we are in a happy relationship. Those who continue to masturbate on their own despite being in a relationship are often wrongly considered to be sexually unsatisfied. In reality, masturbation increases readiness in women, and as long as it is not practiced merely as a means to orgasm in association with ejaculation by men, it is a great way to increase desire for a partner’s loving attention. Masturbation has the advantage of keeping the genitals toned and ready for action. Like any other muscle in the body, the pelvic-floor muscles that surround and support the sexual apparatus are healthier when they are regularly called into action. Masturbating together or inviting your lover to watch you masturbate during partner sex is great fun and also demystifies the masturbation taboo. It can teach partners about each other’s response to genital stimulation.

If you are not in a relationship or are between partners, practicing the ritual of self-loving on a regular basis will help to avoid the negative effects of sexual frustration as well as the possibility that the libido may go lax through erotic complacency. Masturbation will keep the body primed until someone with whom to celebrate the shared joys of the sexual ritual comes along. It also has the power to reverse the subliminal effects of culturally induced sexual taboos and repression. In addition, masturbation has the power to revive lazy libidos, to renew waning desire between established couples, and enhance the orgasmic response.

Many women hail vibrators as being the implement that revealed their innate capacity to orgasm. Like many sex therapists, I frequently prescribe them to anorgasmic women. These days, the market for these pulsating prosthetics is booming, and vibrators have
never been more accessible—or acceptable! However, vibrators tend to make clitoral orgasms the primary, if not exclusive, motivator toward stimulation. Women, take your time when using a vibrator—explore the entirety of the vulva and the vagina with your fingers as well as with the vibrator, and don’t forget that the clitoral system, which radiates inward from the clitoris, is not limited to the “tender button” alone.

While men are not the primary target for vibrator sales, there is no reason why they should not partake in the electrifying pleasures that these tools can provide. A vibrator can be used to enhance the sensations of manual stimulation—men, just place it in the palm of your hand and proceed! Used for extraordinary anal or genital stimulation, vibrators are guaranteed to incite new and intensely different sensations during male masturbation. I encourage men to experiment with vibrators that are designed specifically for prostate stimulation, which usually have a smaller diameter (for easy insertion) and a slight curve to their form. Be prepared to enjoy, as these little tools can oscillate a man toward unprecedented states of ecstasy! Anal penetration is explored in greater detail in the chapter “
The Anthems of Anal Sex: From Hygiene to Heavenly Pleasures
.”

Vibrators can be used to massage any part of the body—the inner thighs, the nipples, the back, the lips, the feet, and the neck—and are often marketed as massage tools in American stores in order to avoid sales restrictions in states where sex-related objects are still considered illegal. But rest assured, if it is phallic in shape, it is also intended to provide more intimate massages and relieve tension that is not necessarily stress related. (This explains the comical notice that these implements often sport, which reads: “This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions. In the case of unexplained calf pain, consult physician.” Obviously, if you have inflamed genitals, or their delicate skin presents open wounds, the last thing that you want to do is break out the vibes!)

Because vibrators tend to pulsate, rattle, and rock themselves to their own demise, it is advisable to invest in a couple of medium-priced ones with power and ranges that suit your taste and to replace them when necessary. If you wish to make a more serious investment, choose electrically operated or rechargeable vibrators. They will last longer and are more ecologically friendly, and they also tend to be slightly less noisy. While modern vibrators have near-silent functions and a wider range of variations than ever before, their hum is anything but erotic. Covering them with a blanket or towel will help muffle their rattle to a low purr.

Whether using vibrators during solo masturbation or to enhance the shared joys of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, remember to allow the sexual tension to mount gradually, which will increase the orgasmic impact for both genders.

In spite of the fact that the sole function of the clitoris is to provide the pleasures of orgasm, and that women are no longer “punished” as they used to be for accepting this pleasure, many women (and men) are still under the debilitating effects of societal taboos and have yet to embrace woman’s innate capacity to cum. During sessions with anorgasmic women, I invariably find myself giving them “permission” to embrace their orgasms; I firmly believe that while achieving an orgasm should not be viewed as an obligation, there is absolutely no reason why women should not be reveling in the unique pleasures that orgasms provide.

If you are a woman who has yet to experience orgasm, do not pressure yourself to do so, but rather make the commitment to dedicate more time to the discovery of your innate orgasmic capacity. Practiced in a ritual context, and on regular basis, solo masturbation is the best means to discover your orgasmic response. If you continue to suffer
from anorgasmia, do not pressure yourself—put expectations aside. Take the time you need to know yourself more intimately, and enhance your sexual relationship with yourself—sooner or later you will awaken your orgasmic response and revel in every pleasure it proffers.

The greatest inhibitor of the female orgasm is the simulated orgasm. Faking an orgasm during partner sex may stem from fear of letting go, from a lack of self-esteem, or simply from a desire to get “it” over with. Simulating your orgasms will inevitably lead to conflict both with yourself and your partner or partners. Women who fake their orgasms may be victims of guilt and shame, and beneath these negative emotions lurks the pleasure taboo. The simulated orgasm may even inhibit a woman from discovering her real orgasm. If you resort to feigning your pleasure in the belief that you must avoid offending your partner, stop now! Otherwise, your partner will continue to do exactly what he or she thinks is making you happy—while you will only make yourself more dissatisfied and frustrated.

As with anorgasmia, masturbation is this condition’s most efficient and effective form of sexual self-help. Women, if you seek your orgasm with the aid of a vibrator, try wrapping it in a silk scarf or using it over your panties or the sheets rather than placing it directly on the genitals. This will help to avoid the orgasm-inhibiting effects of sensory overload over extended periods of stimulation. Another hint: use lower speeds, or alternate between higher and lower speeds. Over time, using excessive speeds could have a numbing effect.

Though “anorgasmia” and “frigidity” are terms used frequently in reference to women, men also suffer from not fully accepting or enjoying their orgasms to maximum capacity, with premature ejaculation being the primary symptom of a man’s difficulty. A man who desires
and cares for his partner, male or female, will enjoy taking the time to pleasure him or her. Since a woman’s orgasm can require more time to manifest, a man’s refusal to delay his emission may be an unconscious means of punishing her. While premature ejaculation fulfills, however superficially, his own immediate needs, it completely ignores the importance of the needs of his partner. There are men who genuinely suffer from physically based premature ejaculation, but 80 percent of male sexual performance problems are related to psychological dynamics rather than medical issues. They can, thus, be resolved when admitted to and confronted, preferably with the support of his partner and, when necessary, with the help of a sex therapist.

If you are a healthy man suffering from premature ejaculation or lack of pleasure even in association with orgasm, take the time to practice the masturbation ritual regularly. The majority of men still approach masturbation with a sense of urgency. Rather than racing to ejaculate, men should explore the advantages of slowing things down and strive to master the skill of ejaculation control during the masturbation ritual. Approaching masturbation in this way is crucial to reversing the negative effects of fast sex, both upon your own sexuality as well as that of your partner’s. It is also an effective means to get in touch with your body and enhance your awareness, skill, and orgasms.