The Boudoir Bible (10 page)

Pleasure is the “glue” in long-term relationships, and the greater the pleasure, the happier the couple. The beneficial effects of a mutually satisfying sex life on the harmony and stability of a couple are undeniable. Learning to enhance the impact of the orgasm reflex will reinforce the pleasure bond by heightening your overall sense of satisfaction—
and provide some unexpected benefits beyond the boudoir, as well. Clinical research reveals that orgasms reduce stress and, therefore, the risk of heart attacks. They alleviate headaches, migraines, and overall aches and pains, including those related to menstruation. By increasing the circulation of fresh, oxygenated blood into the genitals, orgasms reduce the risk of endometriosis as well as cervical and urinary tract infections in women. By eliminating carcinogenic toxins from the body, orgasms also reduce the risk of both prostate and uterine cancer. Orgasms have the advantage of improving the overall health of the skin, balancing the brain’s chemistry, and boosting the immune system. They also strengthen the pelvic floor muscles crucial to enhanced satisfaction. The positive effects of great orgasms upon our health and well-being are as important as the effects of our general health and well-being are upon our sense of sexual satisfaction. Great orgasms cannot exist without good health, and vice versa, so take good care of yourself in every way!

PORNOGRAPHY HELPED
to liberate the female orgasm in the 1970s by portraying women taking their pleasure on-screen. It also helped to perpetuate the concept of sex for sex’s sake. But over time, it has also established itself as the world’s worst sex-education teacher. With all due respect for the industry and the men and women who keep the XXX-rated cameras rolling, let’s analyze some of the pleasure-inhibiting myths that pornography commonly glorifies. Don’t be surprised if you discover that you have a bit of unlearning to do!

MYTH #1: FAST EQUALS SKILLFUL

The pornographic film industry’s glorification of the emission of semen as the ultimate pleasure can be held partly responsible for the fact that ejaculation remains, for most, the principal goal of sex.
Lovers, both male and female, have wrongly learned to associate sexual skill with the ability to bring a male partner to ejaculate in record-breaking time.

In reality, the emission of semen is not a sure sign that a male partner has been pleased; men can ejaculate without benefiting at all from the pleasures of an orgasm. Associating rapid ejaculation with sexual skill eventually causes frustration—both in the (seemingly) satisfied male in question and his partner, whether male or female.

MYTH #2: REPEATED EMISSION EQUALS SEXUAL PROWESS

Why is it that nothing sells XXX-rated flicks, homosexual or heterosexual, better than urgent, repeated, abundant emissions of semen? The reason is that the sex industry is directed predominantly by and for men. Viewers want to see cum (and lots of it) because those little spermatozoa, not ejaculation control, are the ultimate symbols of male virility.

While there are exceptions to every rule, a single emission normally amounts to an average of one or two teaspoons of the vital fluid. The impressive “cum shots” glorified by the porn industry have more to do with editing and stunts than reality. But for whatever reason, fact or fiction, abundant ejaculation scenes are what viewers have been taught to expect and enjoy.

MYTH #3: THE EVER-READY ROCK-HARD PHALLUS

I discovered, during my consultations with men who suffer from performance anxiety, that many of them were avid “pornivores.” Most of these men had convinced themselves that their erectile performance, like their emissions, was “unworthy” in comparison to those of
their pornographic role models. But a penis that is commanded by the laws of attraction and desire should not be compared to the often chemically enhanced erection of a pornographic role model—a “stud” who may work five days per week (and more, if required) and ejaculate up to four times a day!

Consider that the footage for an average 120-minutes porn flick is normally filmed over the course of 1 to 6 long days. Everyone on the playbill is expected to rise and perform until the film is complete, a feat that would be impossible for most adult males to achieve naturally. Porn stars work hard, in every sense of the word! In order to keep the cameras rolling with low budgets and restricted time limits, male porn stars, no matter how skilled they may be, cannot rely on Mother Nature alone. Erection enhancers permit male performers to exceed the limits of nature; in fact, if Viagra and its like had not been invented, pornography would still be a niche market, not the booming industry it is today.

Also keep in mind that what comes across as one long, libidinous act is generally the result of several scenes that are cut and spliced together to create a pornographic whole. Master shots are edited with close-ups and cum shots. Fake semen is often used to enhance the visual impact of the scene: a few strategic squirts of creamy hair conditioner or milky lubricating gel will make an average cum scene camera worthy! If a performer has taken an erection enhancer yet is unable to emit in a timely fashion, he might slip on a condom, the tip of which is pierced after it has been filled with mock semen. A few decisive strokes of a skilled hand … and voilà, the desired visuals!

MYTH #4: THE BIGGER THE BETTER

Another myth sustained by pornography is that bigger penises are better when it comes to orgasmic potential, which has no basis in reality.
In a porn film, the penis is the star of the show and, as such, must be visible at all times even during scenes that involve lots of body contact, including penetration; the use of monumental close-ups as well as highly creative camera angles thus glorify massive members.

The issue of size is a great source of performance anxiety, which is, in turn, a primary orgasm inhibitor, and not only for the man in question but also for his partner. In the scheme of orgasmic sex,
big
is simply not synonymous with
skillful
. Similarly, the size of the penis does not determine male sexual superiority any more than it determines a man’s capacity to provide or receive pleasure.

Men, I urge you to put your anatomical concerns aside! Learn to extend playtime and to love and accept your genitals, whatever their size or shape, and you will be less likely to suffer the negative effects of performance anxiety. Research has proven that most men who feel inadequate are actually perfectly within the average range.

Consider this: our Greco-Roman forefathers appreciated the proportions of smaller penises over larger, which they considered
vulgaris
! No matter where you happen to find yourself on the measuring stick, fuel your imagination and experiment with creative ways to provide pleasure beyond penetration alone. Men who accept their natural disposition, whatever it may be, and learn to express themselves skillfully without shame or inhibition are bound not only to have (and provide) better orgasms but to enjoy healthier, happier sexual relations, too.

Seek and you shall find the partner that corresponds to your size and shape. The ancient Indian sex guides
Kama Sutra
and
Ananga Ranga
both expound on the importance of compatibility. “When the proportions of both lovers are alike and equal, then satisfaction is easy to achieve,” proclaims the
Ananga Ranga
, which uses six different animals to illustrate the ideal sexual connection between differing dimensions of the lingam, or the penis, and depths of the yoni, or the vagina:

Unequal unions—for example, between a hare and an elephant—are likely to decrease the levels of pleasure and comfort that lovers can expect to experience.

MYTH #5: SAFE IS NOT SEXY

A no-condom policy exists in the porn industry, because statistics reveal that the use of condoms in a porn film radically reduces its commercial success. Because barriers such as condoms are rarely used, porn stars must test for HIV and other STDs on a more-than-regular basis; even this, sadly, does not always prevent the actors from contracting a disease, any more than it does in the real world. So use the visuals of pornography to fuel your fantasies, not as an example to follow. If you are not in an established and safe fluid-exchange agreement, condoms and regular blood tests should be considered an obligation.

Another risky practice that is commonly represented in heterosexual and female-to-female pornography is anal-to-vaginal penetration. Whether it is performed with a finger, a penis, or any other object of desire, careless anal-to-vaginal contact is likely to lead to serious vaginal infections, so avoid making this discomforting mistake at all costs.

MYTH #6: WOMAN AS EVER-READY PROVIDER

Pornographers also tend to ignore the importance of foreplay as well as the relevance of sentiment in relation to sexual satisfaction.
These values, so vital to deep sexual satisfaction, cannot be communicated without a storyline, and unlike some of the porn that was created in the 1970s, contemporary porn rarely has a story to tell—with the exception of the subliminal “plot” that the female partner is at her best as a submissive and ever-ready provider of sex to the dominant or omnipotent male partner. A woman who aspires to “make love like a porn star” may, without realizing it, be reinforcing such an archaic role model. By begging a lover to give it to her “
Fast! And hard! In my face! And now!
” and opting to forget the relevance of her own pleasure, she becomes an accomplice in phallocentrism.

A surprising number of women compensate for their inability to accept the gift of sexual pleasure by concentrating solely on giving pleasure. Their partners are therefore subject to a similar one-sided consequence—they more often receive than provide. Great sex is an exchange; it requires that we learn to enjoy being pleased as much as our lovers expect us to enjoy pleasuring them. By re-evaluating the importance of our own pleasure, as well as providing for that of our lovers, we can make a contribution toward mutually enhanced sexual satisfaction. Partner sex is proactive. Skilled lovers, no matter their sexual orientation, should enjoy taking each other to Paradise!

MYTH #7: THE HYSTERICAL ARCH

Another anti-orgasmic lesson disseminated by pornography and most readily exemplified and imitated by women is represented by what sexologist Wilhelm Reich defined as the
hysterical arc de cercle
, or the hysterical arch (see
plate IV
). This position is commonly assumed by a woman when she is lying on her back: she presses her buttocks firmly downward while arching her lower
back, which in turn causes the pelvis to rock both forward and down. When a woman is thus posed to pornographic perfection, her head is thrown savagely back, which causes the lips to part, resulting in the ultimate symbol of female readiness and seduction.

There is nothing wrong with striking this pose for the sake of aesthetics, but it is important to know that, for a woman, indulging in the hysterical arch is guaranteed to diminish, if not completely inhibit, the orgasmic impact, as pressing the genitals downward in this manner blocks the blood flow into the entire pelvic area. (Note that men who assume this position are subject to similar orgasm-inhibiting physiological responses, which they can use to a positive end to delay their orgasm. The chapter “
Riding the Orgasmic Wave: Male Ejaculation Control
” details the advantages of what I term the “control arch” when it is used by men.)

For women, inverting the hysterical arch will facilitate and heighten the pleasures inherent to orgasm. Simply “inverse” the pose (see
plate IV
): press your lower back against the surface on which you are resting, and roll your hips up rather than down. Let your head fall forward toward your sternum, so that your upper body will assume a U shape rather than a backward arch. Though the position may not make you look like a porn star, it will direct the flow of blood toward the center of the body and deeply enhance the depth, breadth, and intensity of every orgasm.

MYTH #8: SEX IS FOR THE YOUTHFUL

Our society’s association of sexual pleasure with youth is reinforced by the pornography industry. There is, admittedly, no “bull market” for bodies that are older or out of shape. But there are no age limits for ecstasy! Sexual satisfaction should be considered a fundamental part of our overall well-being, indifferent to our age; orgasms should
accompany us throughout our adult lives. (And if one could choose, wouldn’t an earth-shattering orgasm be the ideal way to go?)

Unfortunately, many mature women still believe that after a certain age, they should not (and will not) be interested in sexual pleasure. While the maturing woman’s body does undergo a gradual reduction of estrogen, the female sex hormone, the mighty myth of “no sex after fifty” is another anti-pleasure dogma whose influence we ought to shed. After fifty, our sex lives do not cease to exist; they simply evolve.

A mature woman’s orgasmic capacity has nothing to do with her procreative function; on the contrary, by the time women reach the age of fifty they may have knowledge enough to be less inhibited and more capable of reaching orgasmic heights. In fact, in Japan, a geisha’s value was increased with the arrival of her menopause.

Like women, mature men experience a gradual drop in hormone production, including testosterone, the male sex hormone. The phenomenon is known as andropause, or “male menopause.” This hormonal decrease may lead to a gradual decline in the sexual impulse and what men describe as “slowing down.” Andropause may also be accompanied by occasional bouts of impotence and moodiness. But as long as a man has not become clinically impotent, this seemingly unfortunate condition has some hidden benefits.