The Boudoir Bible (11 page)

Andropause allows men to extend sexual playtime and enables them to step back from phallocentric goals to explore the body as a sexual whole. Mature men tend to have good ejaculation control, so while a mature man may require more coaxing and manipulation to encourage the penis to full erection, this fact of nature does not signify that his pleasure is any less intense than in the past. Keep in mind that a man does not have to have an erection, nor achieve ejaculation, in order to experience pleasure.

In fact, the most detrimental thing that a man can do to his erection, and thus to his orgasm, is to place himself under psychological
pressure to “perform.” While a man’s erection may not rise to attention as automatically it did in his youth, the bright side of getting older is that a youthful, energetic sexual performance will be replaced with the advanced skills a man has acquired by the time he has reached maturity. Men, accept the physical changes that occur in the genitals as an organic part of the maturation process, and realize that you are at a height of sexual capacity—you are able both to give and receive extended sexual pleasures with greater ease.

So dismantle and replace those die-hard myths and misconceptions that surround the pleasures of orgasm with sexual commonsense. Permit yourself greater pleasure, no matter your age or sexual orientation. If you like to observe sexual scenes on film, think about recording your own “real sex” movies. But don’t let pornographic ideals interfere with your satisfaction—whether the camera is rolling or not.

This Cannot Be Ignored!

Statistics reveal that ninety percent of children between the ages of eight and sixteen have viewed pornography online, often involuntarily stumbling across hard-core material while doing homework, and eighty percent of fifteen- to seventeen-year-olds have had multiple hard-core exposures—these statistics cannot be ignored. When information regarding not only the dangers of sex but also the importance of a healthy sexuality is given to adolescents in schools, a new era of sexual enlightenment will commence. I am convinced that such an education would bestow inestimable benefits upon society. It is also the only way to counteract the negative effects that pornography is wreaking on the sexual development of children today.

FRESH, OXYGENATED BLOOD
,
delivered throughout the body by regular exercise, is critical to the health of every organ and muscle. The muscles that sustain the position of the genitals likewise suffer from lack of exercise. Suspended like a sling between the pubic bone and tailbone is the pubococcygeal muscle, a.k.a. the PC muscle (see
plates II
and
III
). The openings of the urethra, the anus, and, in women, the vagina pass through this muscle. In both sexes, the perineum is the area where the PC muscle lies closest to the surface. While women who have given birth are more likely to be familiar with techniques that strengthen the PC muscle, such as Kegel exercises, PC muscle tonicity is pertinent to all women’s genital health and pleasure, as well as men’s, as there is a direct connection between the vigor of one’s genital muscles and the orgasmic impact.

There is no single sport that directly reinforces the PC muscle better than sex itself, but those who practice yoga or Pilates are likely to
have developed PC muscle awareness and control through the practice of Mula Bandha, which calls into action the sphincter muscles, the vaginal muscles, and, in certain moments, the entirety of the PC muscle. In yogic vocabulary,
bhanda
signifies unification, blocking, or contraction, and it almost always refers to gestures or positions that serve to control the muscles that surround the orifices of the body. Bhanda also influences the circulation of blood, the nervous system, and the endocrine glands.

Like yoga, Kegel exercises improve and maintain the health of the PC muscle. These exercises were developed and prescribed by Dr. Arnold Kegel in 1948 as a postpartum cure for childbirth-related incontinence and for the restoration of vaginal muscle strength. His female patients reported that the exercises not only strengthened the PC muscle, resolving any urinary incontinence, but also made the vagina tighter and enhanced orgasmic pleasure. Dr. Kegel concluded that increasing PC muscle strength amplifies the transmission of sensations to nerve endings in the genitals, leading to the intensification of the orgasm.

The Taoist and Tantric disciplines of erotic loving place great emphasis on PC tone and health, because genital muscle control is central to the techniques of ejaculation delay in men and to the orgasm and the ejaculation reflexes in women. Practitioners use the PC muscle to coax the sexual vibration to radiate from its source throughout the entire body. Taoists call PC-related exercises “sexual kung fu”; I call the exercises that enhance PC muscle strength and develop heightened genital awareness in both men and women the “PC muscle flex.”

First, locate your PC muscle and test its strength; the easiest way is during urination. Women should sit wide-legged on the toilet; men
may either stand before the toilet or sit down on it, and they, too, should keep their legs spread wide.

As you urinate, try to stop and restart the flow, repeatedly, until your bladder is empty, noting as you do the corresponding tightening and relaxing of the PC muscle. If you are able to perform this test with ease, your PC muscles are probably in fairly good shape. However, if you have difficulty controlling the flow of urine, you should make the following exercises a priority in your daily health routine.

Initiate the genital gym by focusing your full attention on the genital area and using your inhalations and exhalations as a metronome to create a rhythm. Begin on an inhalation and simultaneously tighten the PC muscle in its entirety, from the tailbone to the pubic bone. You will feel the muscle twitch as it draws the genitals upward and inward.

Then, on the exhalation, gradually push the muscle downward and then relax the muscle completely. Repeat the exercise, in a slow rhythm (a five-second-long breath, for example), by contracting the PC muscle with each inhalation and then gently pushing it downward and relaxing it with each exhalation. As freshly oxygenated blood rushes to this muscle, you will experience a warm, tingling sensation, just as with any other repetitive exercise. It not only feels good, but it is good for you!

Once you become familiar with the exercise and begin to build PC muscle strength, start to increase the duration of your inhalations and exhalations and/or alternate the rhythm of the PC muscle flex. For example, do quick sets of five to twenty-five consecutive contractions on each inhalation, and then relax the muscle as you exhale to the count of five, ten, or more.

Another variation is an inversion of the rhythm: tense the muscle upon inhalation, and upon exhalation maintain the tension for a count of ten. Upon the next inhalation, on a count of five, gently push the muscle downward and then relax. While there is no right number of contractions to execute, gradually adding to the duration of your
workout will further reinforce the PC muscle’s tone. Alternating between faster and slower sets of muscle contractions creates a deeper PC muscle workout, which in turn leads to greater control. To assess your progress, practice the strength test during urination.

You can practice the genital gym with absolute discretion almost anywhere, while seated or standing, at any moment of the day! For example, if you are obliged to wait your turn in line at the bank or post office, a round of the genital gym will pass the time more pleasantly. Best of all, no one will notice your efforts, but both you and your lover are guaranteed to enjoy the results.

You will soon notice that muscular strength isn’t the only benefit to practicing the PC muscle flex; this exercise makes for a genital meditation that not only reinforces that muscle, enhancing orgasmic pleasures, but also greatly heightens concentration and induces a powerful sense of clarity and well-being.

Once you have greater PC muscle control, the genital gym may be enjoyed during solo masturbation and incorporated into the Sexual Ceremony to transcendent effect.

First, you need a “grip point” upon which to flex the muscle. Penetrating the vagina or anus with a finger or fingers, or with the penis or any phallus-shaped accessory will do. An especially effective alternative for the anus is an implement designed specifically for anal pleasure, like a stimulator for the male P-spot (the prostate) or anal beads or Ben Wa balls. Using a grip point will enhance the sensational effects of the exercises and invite the sexual vibration to expand even farther.

Contract the vaginal or anal muscles surrounding the implement of choice; then, while tightening the PC muscle, try to pull the
object gently from the orifice. Create resistance by gripping the object harder—try to prevent it from leaving the body. This forces the PC muscles to work more intensely and provides a more strenuous (and ecstatically effective) workout.

You can train yourself to “suck” the object of penetration into your vagina or anus during the inward thrust and then embrace the penetrator as it withdraws in a warm, soft “hug” by gently pushing your PC muscle down and relaxing. Learning to pull in and push out in this manner provides ecstatic sensations and is critical to a woman’s ability to control the genital muscles during female ejaculation. It is equally effective in the context of male ejaculation control.

Ben Wa balls, also known as geisha balls because of their association with traditional Japanese erotica, may be used as vaginal “grips” to enhance the effects of the genital gym. Normally worn in pairs (though the single egg-shaped version works equally well), these slick, smooth spherical objects may also be hollow and contain another sphere within that provides extra vibrations. Like most sexual accessories, Ben Wa balls are considered to be “gadgets” and so are rarely sold with instructions for their correct and safe use—what follows can serve as a guide, but there is no substitute for common sense!

Historically made of ivory or even metals containing lead, Ben Wa balls today are most often composed of plastic or unidentified metals whose toxicity levels are under-evaluated or unknown. So unless you are sure that the Ben Wa balls’ materials will not provoke negative side effects, use a barrier before inserting them into your body. Best would be to choose Ben Wa balls made of hygienic, body-safe materials such as surgical stainless steel or precious metals such as sterling silver or 18-karat gold. I do not recommend using objects that
are plated in silver or gold; surface scratches will expose base metals like nickel and brass, which are not body safe.

Some Ben Wa balls are strung on a synthetic cord; these models may also be inserted into the anus, as long as a portion of the cord remains outside the body. Ben Wa balls that do not have cords are designed for vaginal use only—never insert Ben Wa balls that do not have a retrieval cord into the anus! (For that matter, do not insert
any
object into the anus unless it has a cord, a flared end, or is long enough to grasp, otherwise it is likely you will need to see a doctor to have it removed.) Note that the cord for Ben Wa balls is difficult to thoroughly sterilize. Therefore Ben Wa balls that have been used in the rectum must be reserved for that purpose alone.

Smaller, cordless Ben Wa balls made of acrylic or other hard plastics (a material that is generally more body safe than soft plastics) or hygienic metals may be worn in the vagina even during penetration. Their slick, round surfaces will provide a sense of fullness, offering extra-pleasurable sensations for both partners. Choose smaller Ben Wa balls for shared pleasures and larger Ben Wa balls for exercising the PC muscles. It is important to note that pregnant women should not use Ben Wa balls during penetration, though they are highly recommended before and after childbirth to heighten vaginal awareness, restore PC muscle strength, and thereby cure postpartum urinary incontinence.

Many women may refrain from experimenting with Ben Wa balls, especially models that aren’t strung on cords, from the commonly held and mistaken fear that the balls might get stuck in the vaginal canal or even disappear inside the uterus. Unless a woman is in the very last phases of pregnancy, the opening in the cervix that leads to the uterus is no larger than a pinhole, so it is impossible that a pair of Ben Wa balls, or any other sexual device, could be lost inside the body.

I am often asked, “How does one remove cordless Ben Wa balls from the vagina?” It is as simple as squatting and inserting a finger into
the vagina to coax them down and out. If they have been used during intercourse, they might have gotten pushed deep into the vaginal canal—but don’t panic! Women, if you cannot retrieve them immediately with ease, put on a pair of panties, take a walk, and they will begin to shift and descend. Do not remove metal Ben Wa balls over tile floors or other hard surfaces. Should they hit the floor, their spherical forms may be scratched or dented, providing havens for germs.