The Boudoir Bible (14 page)

Men, if at any time you feel the point of no return approaching, feel free to perform the techniques of ejaculation control that you have found most effective, or ask your partner to do so. Your partner’s attention should also shift from your genitals to a less-sensitive erogenous zone of your body until direct genital contact can be resumed without compromising the ceremony’s evolution. When peaking in tandem, lovers should guide each other both verbally and physically, without shame or inhibition, while remaining aware of each other’s levels of arousal. Backing off may be as simple as slowing down or changing the rhythm of stimulation and the tools or techniques used to provide sensations.

This is also an excellent time for partners to alternate between the roles of provider and receiver of sensations. Remember that overemphasis upon the male genitals is likely to make for a fleeting sexual exchange, while sharing pleasures that alternate between genital and extra-genital stimulation generates the ecstatic essence of the ceremony.

The masters of the ancient arts of loving learned to enjoy the benefits of orgasm without necessarily ejaculating and recommended refraining from too-frequent emission as a way to greater health as well as
pleasure. Ejaculating more than once per day has a draining effect on a man’s energy and also decreases the impact of the pleasures that each consecutive orgasm will provide over the course of the same day.

The Taoists maintain that frequent male emission causes the libido to dwindle, and it is one of the reasons that they associated ejaculation control with increased desire as well as enhanced pleasure. The Tao of Loving proposes ejaculating only two or three times out of ten encounters—a challenge for most unless one is skilled in the technique of internal orgasm. Taoist master of the Han dynasty Wu Hsien suggested that man should practice “retention for at least five-thousand love strokes before ejaculating, as then his whole being will become potentized.” According to Master Wu Hsien, the principal concern of a male practitioner of the Tao of Loving should be to bring his female partner to orgasm as frequently as possible, taking advantage of the sexual vibration generated by his female partner’s pleasure by absorbing yin, or female energy, from her genitals with his “jade stalk.”

Taoist masters encourage men to externalize emission from time to time in order to avoid “overheating” the organism and compromising the overall health benefits that the sexual union provides and the fortitude of the sperm. Yet when Taoist males are deprived of the company of partners, they are encouraged to masturbate to the point of ejaculation more frequently, in order to avoid the prolonged retention of ejaculate fluid blocking the flow of energy, or chi, that flows more readily during partner sex.

An ancient Chinese medical manual declares that “man cannot do without woman, and woman cannot do without man. If a man does not make love with a woman for a long period of time, his mind will grow very unmanageable. If this happens, his spirit will suffer, and if the spirit suffers, then his span of life will be shortened.”

Men, whether you prefer men, women, or both—do not let your spirit suffer! There are many tools and techniques to enhance your skills and pleasures. Dildos and vibrators, essentially prosthetic
penises, bestow delights that serve to prolong the Sexual Ceremony, building sexual tension and pleasure; tools such as cock rings can be used to facilitate the joys of peaking and augment the mutual benefits of ejaculation delay.

Cock rings and cock-and-ball rings serve to delay ejaculation and have the added benefit of leaving the man’s hands free to provide other pleasures (see
plate VII
). Some men find it impossible to ejaculate while cock rings are in place, and this is the principal reason why I mention these tools in the context of ejaculation control. When using a cock ring, men are likely to experience the pleasurable fluttering of the prostate gland that is inherent to the internal orgasm. The related topic of tying the male genitals is explored in the chapter “
Abandon Yourself: Erotic Restraints
.”

Made from a myriad of materials, from metal to leather, wood, carved stone, glass, rubber, plastic, and just about anything else that can take the shape of a ring, cock rings add an aesthetically pleasing touch to playtime. Some men prefer leather and rubber cock rings that have snaps to allow for easy removal, but cock rings made in rigid materials are equally effective and can be worn without creating any degree of discomfort, as long as they fit properly.

Smaller-diameter cock rings can be worn anywhere along the shaft of the penis. Those that fit snugly on the upper and lower areas of the shaft can be used to execute variations on the squeeze method. Rings in larger diameters are designed to constrict both the base of the penis and the entirety of the scrotal sack, essentially executing a combination of the squeeze method at the base of the penis and the ball lock. More commonly known as cock-and-ball rings, these are more effective in delaying ejaculation than rings that fit along the shaft. Size
is important in cock rings: a ring that is too big will do very little to enhance a man’s pleasure or ability to control ejaculation, and a ring that is too small risks compromising the flow of blood into the penis.

Being that cock rings are rarely sold with instructions for their correct use, many men are nervous about the possibility of damaging their “family jewels” and refrain from exploring their potential. The basic rule of thumb is as follows: smaller-diameter cock rings can be put in place
after
a full erection is attained, but cock-and-ball rings should be put in place
before
the penis is fully erect. It will otherwise be next to impossible to accomplish the task.

Employing a rigid cock-and-ball ring can be awkward, if not impossible, unless you know the following tips: Remember that the penis must not be fully erect. Hold the ring in one hand and pull the testicles through its center one by one with the other hand. Once the scrotal sac is within its grip, the head and then the entire shaft of the penis can be pulled through the ring. Once the ring is in place, it should fit snugly around the scrotum and the base of the shaft of the penis. The size of the ring should be more or less right if there is space enough to slide the index and middle fingers between the ring and the penis before complete erection is obtained. Once the penis is fully erect, this will no longer be possible.

The ring should create a pleasant sense of constriction but no feeling of discomfort. When the scrotum and base of the shaft are enclosed in the grip of a cock-and-ball ring, once the penis reaches full erection, it is obliged to remain erect for as long as stimulation continues. The vas deferens is put under pressure while the blood that races into the genitals during arousal is inhibited from flowing back out again, resulting in harder, more enduring erections.

Men, once your penis and/or scrotum is in the grip of a cock ring, it is essential to pay close attention to the sensations caused by constriction, especially if it is the first time that you have used a ring. If you prefer a tighter fit, it is important to ensure that the blood flow
to the area is not entirely constrained, especially over extended periods of play. Neither your penis nor the scrotum should go cold, numb, or turn worrisome shades of blue! If they do, the ring is too tight and it has been in place for too long.

You may be anxious about getting “trapped” in a cock ring. Worry not: once your erection subsides, or you or your partner make it subside by refraining from direct stimulation, the ring will slide off easily. If you wish to speed up the process, rinse your genitals with cold water.

The recommended time limit for wearing a cock ring is about twenty minutes, but it actually depends on the degree to which the genitals are constricted. Listen to your body and learn your own limits by starting out slowly and trying different kinds and sizes of rings. Some men like to wear cock rings for much longer periods, even for an entire evening out on the town. As long the rings are not too tight, this is safe, but long-term wear should be left to experienced cock-ring aficionados. But do keep in mind that if you decide to wear your cock ring beyond the boudoir, the device is likely to keep the penis in slight erection, even for an entire evening, and the effects are likely to be noticed if you are wearing close-fitting clothing or trousers made in fine fabrics.

In the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, a dildo, or the term that I prefer, a diletto, can stand in for the actual penis whenever over-arousal risks triggering the ejaculation reflex and therefore potentially halting the progression of the ritual. I like the word “diletto,” derived from the Italian verb
dilettare
, because of its meaning: to delight, amuse, and give pleasure. I use “diletto” to describe any object used as a substitute for the penis, including vibrators. By
permitting lovers to engage in longer intervals of penetration, dilettos further enhance the delights of delay. They allow over-aroused men to back off while continuing to provide their partners with the delights of penetration. Dilettos not only ease the demands placed upon the male member over lengthy rituals but provide both vaginal and anal stimulation. And the fact that dilettos endow women with the power to penetrate, and even be penetrated in the absence of a male partner, is obviously not something to undervalue!

In Tantric and Taoist practices, dilettos were used to help prolong sexual rituals. Ancient Eastern art and literature commonly portray their ecstatically profane and highly sacred purpose in detail. The predecessors of the modern-day diletto were first made in stone and iron, and a few have been found to date as far back as 28,000 years before the birth of Christ. In Africa, the finest dilettos were made of ivory. In ancient Greece and Rome, they were made of a variety of materials, from wood and ceramic to blown glass, silver, and even gold. In Arabian and Polynesian cultures, dilettos literally grew on trees. In
The Arabian Nights
, a passage is dedicated to the wonders of the banana:

The
Kama Sutra
also suggests the use of “natural” dildos. Bananas are mentioned, as well as carrots, cucumbers, and gourds. If you are feeling gourmand and decide to use produce that resembles the erect lingam as part of your play, protect yourself from exposure to toxins by dressing it with a condom. Unless the fruits and vegetables were organically grown, you can be certain that their surfaces contain traces of toxic pesticides.

But remember: no matter what they are made of, dilettos used for anal stimulation should
never
be then used for vaginal pleasures unless they are dressed with a fresh condom after each phase of penetration. It is highly recommended that lovers designate one diletto for vaginal pleasuring and another one specifically to anal stimulation.

The condom rule also applies to any modern-day diletto that is made of rubber, latex, silicone, or other flexible plastics. Even though these materials emulate the penis better than harder materials, they are porous and extremely difficult to sanitize. They also have a tendency to degrade over time. The best way to prolong their durability and ensure that they do not provoke irritations and infections is to dress them with condoms. Note that silicone-based lubricants deteriorate silicone sex tools over time, so the use of water- or glycerine-based lubricants is highly advised.

Flexible plastic dilettos should never be used without a condom unless they are explicitly declared body safe, as they are otherwise more than likely to contain phthalates, a chemical compound that is added to plastic to render it flexible. Also found in soft plastic toys for children, phthalates have been linked to birth defects, dangerous alterations in hormone levels, and damage to the liver, testicles, and other organs.

A Sexual Ally

Some men may consider dilettos or vibrators to be a threat to their own sexuality. More often than not this is due to the implements’ typically over-endowed dimensions as well as their infinite power to please. Most male-oriented sex suppliers carry a range of extra-large dilettos that would effectively make 99.9 percent of the male population feel inadequate! But these huge prosthetics are rarely modeled after real penises (nor are they the best sellers). But can a tool really be considered a threat to a relationship? After all, nothing
can replace the energy exchange that is generated between two living, loving, physical entities, and men may certainly choose a diletto whose dimensions enable it to be more an ally than an enemy.

Models that are designed to wear with harnesses are known as strap-ons (see
plate VIII
), and they endow women with the power to penetrate. Double dilettos, on the other hand, can be used by either gender, and they have the advantage of allowing lovers to penetrate while they are simultaneously being penetrated. Some double dilettos are designed specifically for women, with one end that fits into the vagina. Whenever possible, women should wear these in combination with a harness to allow for a greater degree of comfort and control, and which also frees hands to roam. “Strapping-on” creates a reversal in roles—the woman becomes the penetrator and the male becomes the “penetratee”—which is likely to intimidate men who have not been initiated into the pleasures of anal sex; my advice to partners is to discuss the use of strap-on dilettos before making use of them.

The Vibrating Cousin

Vibrators, the vibrating cousin of the diletto, tend to be marketed with solitary women in mind, but their power to intensify the impact of shared sexual pleasures should not be underestimated. Some vibrators, however, are designed for clitoral stimulation and as such are not meant to be inserted into the body. I personally prefer and will here refer to those that can be used exactly like dilettos, to provide both vaginal and anal pleasures as well as clitoral delights. Taking an erotic intermission in the sexual ceremony and watching a lover writhe to the pulse of a vibrating lingam is indisputably arousing. Handheld mirrors can be used to permit partners to share the vision.