The Boudoir Bible (29 page)

Hot wax play was once categorized as BDSM edge play, but massage or lotion candles made of soy, cocoa butter, coconut oil, vitamin E, and other natural, skin-nurturing substances have taken the algolagnist edge out of the technique. Available through most erotica suppliers, particularly those dedicated primarily to women, the wax of these specially made candles melts at a much lower temperature than paraffin, eliminating the risk of burns. The hot oil that drips from these candles does not harden as it cools—it is to be rubbed into a lucky lover’s skin. Massage candles are a sensuous introduction to traditional hot wax play.

Molten wax cools as it falls, so before dripping hot wax onto a lover’s skin, calculate the approximate distance from which the candle should be held from the body by dripping some wax onto your own forearm. Traditional candles would need to be held at a much higher distance from the body than massage candles. If you are using candles made of paraffin, rub some mineral oil onto the skin first to facilitate the removal of the wax.

Wax is likely to land with a splash, so protect the area where you will be playing with a bedsheet, a towel, or a latex sheet. Once you are done, simply roll it up and put it aside—the ceremony should not be interrupted by either of you feeling obliged to clean up while the ritual is in progress! (As bedsheets or towels may need to be disposed of or sent to the cleaners after such use, an eco-friendly alternative is a latex sheet; not only will wax not adhere to its surface, but a latex sheet is easy to clean and reusable.)

The more obvious erogenous zones of the body will respond vividly to hot wax play. Essentially any area below the neckline can be
sensitized through hot wax application. The breasts and nipples respond well to these sensations, just as the genitals do—as long as they are fully depilated, or as long as those areas with hair are avoided. (Pulling wax from hair is guaranteed to push the limits between pleasure and pain just a little too far for some.) Those who wish to integrate depilation into the Sexual Ceremony’s elaboration should use cosmetic wax; it is designed specifically for that purpose.

Before commencing hot wax play, tops must make certain that the bottom is relaxed, well aroused, and receptive to the idea. If sensitive areas are approached gradually, the power of anticipation will further the overall impact of the session. Novices appreciate a preview of the sensations on the less-sensitive areas of the back, until they feel completely comfortable with the hot wax application.

Some lovers consider wax removal as much fun as its application. If large surfaces of the body have been sensitized, the bottom will need to shower and scrub down to remove every trace of wax from their skin. When serious coverage is the plan, you may wish to practice hot wax play prior to an intermission or at the end of the Sexual Ceremony. Lovers must respect the fact that not everyone is ready to explore, test, or push sensory limits, so progress gradually, with a sense of adventure, not obligation.

Stimulating the surface of a well-aroused lover’s warm skin with an ice cube will incite psychophysiological reactions similar to the intense sensations of hot wax. In fact, if both ice and hot wax are used in alternation, the session’s evolution will be all the more moving. Ice can be used to tantalize any part of the body, including those areas with body hair. Above the neckline, however, the lips and mouth are the only zones that will respond positively to being seductively tortured with
a chill. Ice will call the nipples to immediate attention, but it is likely to have the opposite effect on an erect penis or clitoris, unless the application is fleeting! This curbing power of ice can be put to creative use while a man is peaking. Like the penis, the clitoris will also respond well to being stimulated with ice in alternation with any other sensation that will warm it right back up again. Once the chill subsides, blood will rush into and invigorate the area, which will crave the reward of further contact.

Popping an ice cube into your mouth during oral stimulation will turn the sexual tension in an over-aroused male lover down a notch or two, but once the ice has melted, be prepared to handle the added increment of bliss; his skin will be twice as sensitive to your warm touch. Inserting a cube of ice into the vagina (as long as it has been sucked first to soften its edges) will also give a chilling thrill. On the other hand, slipping ice inside the anus is likely to cause uncomfortable cramping.

On a sweltering summer’s day, an ice massage becomes a soothing preliminary, intermission, or conclusion to the Sexual Ceremony. Fill a large bowl with ice, cover it with cold water, and toss in a small hand towel. Invite your lover to lie down, and use the cold, wet towel to rub his or her entire body, from head to toe. Wipe away excess water with a dry towel as you proceed. The icy massage will send blood rushing to the surface of the skin and leave your lover feeling invigorated and ready to warm things up again.

There are many other ways to bring temperature play, to the temple. Use your imagination—beware of red-hot peperoncini, but don’t ignore the erotic potential of seemingly innocent breath mints, herbal-based heat rubs, and mentholated ointments, and even a cup of hot tea.
Au plaisir!

CATERING TO
any one sense heightens the capacity of the other senses, which augments the perception of pleasure. But as paradoxical as it may seem, temporary sensory deprivation is also a powerful erotic enhancement—in particular, the techniques for restraining the senses of sight, hearing, and movement. These techniques charge the limbic system, ignite the flames of desire, and lead lovers to abandon themselves to pleasure and experience entirely different pinnacles of sexual arousal and satisfaction.

You may wonder why I consider movement a sense. During the past fifty years, scientific research in sensory perception has added to Aristotle’s limited definition of a mere five senses. According to some physiologists, human beings have twenty perceptual functions, if not more. These include thermoception, the perception of hot or cold; equilibrioception, the perception of balance; proprioception, the
perception of body awareness; and nociception, the perception of pain. (Oddly enough, I have searched for but have yet to stumble across the neurological term for the perception of pleasure. If you are in the know, please do share.) The perception of movement is considered by modern scientists to be “the sixth sense.” Though this term is most commonly associated with the paranormal, phenomena such as telepathy or clairvoyance are better described as extrasensory perception.

Over the past fifty years, neurophysiologists have contributed enormously to our understanding of the wildly enigmatic senses and the still deeply misunderstood perceptive capacity of the brain. The effects of sensory deprivation on the human mind and body were the focus of Dr. John C. Lilly, who, in 1954, in order to study these effects, invented the sensory deprivation tank, now also called the flotation, REST, or isolation tank. (His conclusions helped me understand why the temporary loss of sight, hearing, and movement can make such a positive impact on lovers’ sexual satisfaction—read on to find out.)

The flotation tank is an enclosed, soundproof tub containing mineral water and large doses of Epsom salts. Once the subject settles comfortably into the water, the tank is closed, completely isolating the subject from external stimuli. The high concentration of salt in the water, which is maintained at body temperature, causes the subject to float. As soon as the subject begins to relax into and adjust to the effects of total and complete sensory isolation, his or her brain ceases to generate the beta and alpha brain-wave frequencies inherent to normal waking consciousness and begins to generate the theta brain-wave frequency. Subjects describe the experience as transcendental, otherworldly, deeply meditative, and rejuvenating—the boundaries of the physical body are said to seem to dissolve, accompanied by an overall sense of well-being.

Restraining a lover’s sense of sight, hearing, movement, or all three at once, prompts similar results in the context of the Sexual Ceremony. The techniques of erotic restraint incite the emission of
alpha brain waves, whose deep, calming effects oblige the bottom to “drop in” to a sexually receptive state of mind and body almost instantly, allowing him or her to focus keenly on the sensations. It also forces the senses that are not being restrained to compensate, becoming more acute—as does the lover’s perception of pleasure, which is in turn then reinforced by the emission of the transcendental theta brain-wave frequency.

By the 1970s, the flotation tank had been adopted by various schools of alternative medicine for its healing powers, to counteract the effects of stress, pain, insomnia, and anxiety. Continued research in sensory deprivation revealed that the deliberate removal of stimuli from the senses strokes the pleasure centers of the brain, increasing the production of analgesic endorphins and hormones. And the positive effects of these chemicals in combination with the theta brain-wave frequency has been expounded on throughout
The Boudoir Bible!

The tools and techniques of erotic restraint crystallize the roles of the bottom and the top, which have been described in the chapter “
The Joy of Play: The Roles of Provider and Receiver
.” The bottom is essentially obliged to surrender the control of his or her pleasure to the top. This power shift creates an intense psychophysiological charge that reinforces the sexual bond like no other transcendental technique. Erotic restraint of sight and movement are also known to have the power to dissolve latent sexual inhibitions. The techniques have even been reported to heal both anorgasmia in women and impotency in men—yes, when practiced with consent and skill between trusting partners, erotic restraint is really that good! It helps lovers to “drop in” to a sexually receptive state of mind and body almost
instantly and incites acute perceptual awareness, prompting ever more wanton states of sexual arousal and an endorphin high.

But fear of abandoning one’s self to pleasure and losing control, despite it being essential to experiencing deep sexual satisfaction, keeps many lovers from exploring the ecstatic potential of erotic restraint. It is understandable, on the surface, that even a slight degree of sensory restraint—a corset, blindfold, or handcuff, for example—is considered by most as an infringement on one’s personal will and freedom. After all, only fifty years have passed since most Westerners, whatever their gender or sexual orientation, have had the privilege to be able to choose how and with whom they might express their sexuality. Women, in particular, may view the use of erotic restraints as a step backward for female empowerment and an affirmation of outmoded male superiority. But erotic restraint is actually a generous invitation to please and to be pleased. To consent to such bliss is, in actuality, a way of saying, “I trust you.”

It must be understood that when lovers
choose
to practice erotic restraint, they are neither victims nor perpetrators of sexual violence or abuse but, instead, adventurous and trusting sexual accomplices. Lovers who appreciate its effects (whether they categorize themselves as BDSM or not) do not necessarily seek or need pain in order to be sexually satisfied. In fact, the tools of erotic restraint should restrict the senses, not inflict pain; if they do, the bottom will be distracted all too soon from the real goal of the session—deep pleasure. Just as the top must remain attentive at all times to the bottom’s comfort, it is the bottom’s responsibility to alert his or her top immediately if there is unwanted pain, making those feelings known either verbally or through signs or safe words agreed upon in advance. (The use of these and other safety essentials are outlined in the chapter “
Honor Each Other: Safety
,” which is an essential read before engaging in any form of limit-pushing sexual techniques.) The bottom should call for an intermission to the session if the discomfort cannot be resolved by
the top through slight modifications to the degree of restraint or in the bottom’s position. Erotic sensory deprivation requires unequivocal trust between partners; as a top
or
bottom, if you do not know your chosen partner well and have yet to establish this degree of confidence in each other, refrain from using the tools and techniques of erotic restraint until you do.

The restraint of movement, sight, or hearing can be introduced at any moment during the evolution of a Sexual Ceremony and practiced in combination with genital and extra-genital stimulation. Note that some lovers find the deprivation of more than one sense at a time too intense, while others live for combined sensory deprivation! Experimentation is the only way to test, reveal, and stretch your limits. Once the bottom has been restrained, the role of the top is to guide him or her toward an exhilarating, full-bodied sexual experience and ultimately coax the bottom to transcend the earthly barriers of body, time, and space in ecstasy.