The Boudoir Bible (31 page)

Bondage is one of the most common sexual fantasies for women and men alike. Those who choose to explore the powers of erotic movement
restraint consider it to be liberating, creative, and empowering. Its capacity to reinforce the bonds of intimacy by revealing, pushing, and permitting lovers to hurdle sexual boundaries is renowned.

There are many ways to restrain the consenting lover’s movement, but this section focuses on verbal bondage, cuffs, and cords. Being that the art of rope bondage demands skill as well as diligent practice in order to reach its ecstatic ends, a separate section of this chapter is dedicated to those techniques.

No matter how it is achieved, bondage can be practiced in combination with other forms of stimulation. For example, some bondage aficionados enjoy being penetrated while bound. Others prefer the pleasures of bondage to penetration itself. Some revel in being deprived of their sense of movement in combination with other forms of erotic restraint, while for others this prompts sensory overload. Those who enjoy erotic tickling or flagellation may like to be bound for the occasion. From a purely practical point of view, this last scenario avoids the risk that the bottom may involuntarily hurt himself or herself or the top with an unexpected gesture of excitement. Others may find that high-impact extra-genital stimulation, like flagellation, becomes too intense if administered while they are physically restrained. Experience alone can reveal what works best, whether we are binding or bound. No matter how much experience partners may have or how hard they like to play, lovers should always progress gradually toward the more challenging forms of restraint.

Novices especially should refrain from combining movement restraint with other forms of sensory deprivation until they have acquired some practice in bondage skills and understood its myriad effects. Novices should engage in “soft” bondage until they acquire more experience. “Hard” bondage, as its name implies, is more rigorous and demanding. Soft bondage entails natural and therefore more comfortable positions, and in soft bondage scenes, the bottom may even be able to set himself or herself free with only a little effort. Some
bondage aficionados consider such Houdini-esque attempts to escape an integral part of bondage fun. Hard bondage makes such attempts next to impossible. But bondage does not have to be hard to incite transcendental results. In fact, being bound at length in comfortable positions can provoke ecstatic results—as long as the top is prepared to take the bottom to Paradise!

Whether bondage is the leitmotif or an ecstatic highlight of the Sexual Ceremony, the top and the bottom are equally responsible for the final outcome of the session. It is crucial that both partners come into the temple relaxed, well rested, and ready to transcend. Both should have eaten a light meal, no less than two hours before. Interrupting the digestive cycle is dangerous, and it should be avoided at all costs. Light, fresh, high-energy foods and plenty of water will energize the body; fatty foods and carbohydrates require more energy to be digested and can leave one feeling sluggish. Neither the top nor bottom should practice any movement restraint when not feeling perfectly physically and emotionally well.

Even partners who know each other well ought to review the boundaries of a bondage session before the Sexual Ceremony starts. The more skills and experience that lovers acquire, the more likely they are to enjoy “programming” the session’s progression, particularly when assuming the role of top. As with erotic sight restraint, once the bottom’s bonds are in place, the top is obliged to stay in near-constant physical contact. This is as crucial to the bottom’s capacity to surrender as it is to his or her safety. Remember that sensory deprivation incites a certain degree of physical and emotional vulnerability, so only if the bottom feels safe and secure in submitting to his or her partner will the final outcome of the session be positively thrilling.

Bondage has been described as “motion in stillness.” As passive as the bottom may appear to be to the eyes of the inexperienced, bondage demands both outer and inner strength; the more intense the
restraint, the more endurance, flexibility, and determination is required. These virtues will become all the more relevant in the more physically demanding variations of rope bondage. When the bottom consents to more extreme degrees of movement restraint, he or she should do a minimum of stretching to warm up muscles. This will enhance circulation and reduce the likelihood of cramping, sprains, and strains, as well as increasing the bottom’s overall resistance to greater degrees of restraint and constriction. The more effectively the restraint is imposed, the longer the bottom may remain bound, and the faster sexual tension will mount.

Tops and bottoms must attempt not only a physical but also an emotional symbiosis throughout the ceremony. What this means is that while it is the responsibility of the top to provide for his or her bound partner, it is the bottom’s vital duty to check in on himself or herself as well, no matter how high each is flying. The bottom must not hold the top entirely responsible for his or her physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Even a bottom who usually enjoys bondage may feel neither physically nor emotionally open enough to revel in its powers.

The longer a bottom is restrained, the more he or she will struggle. An instinctive response to movement restraint, it serves to minimize discomfort and is an integral part of the fun and pleasure. It makes the heart beat faster, prompting the blood to flow more readily toward the surface of the skin, heightening the bottom’s overall sensitivity. It also further increases endorphin production. But the more intensely the ceremony evolves, the more attentive the top must be to ensure a harmonious outcome.

The top must keep in mind that once a consenting lover has
been bound, his or her overall perceptions, and, therefore, sensitivity will be radically enhanced. The top must exercise self-control—the more gradually the top builds the shared sexual tension, the more both partners will be charged—body, mind, and spirit—with the sexual vibration.

When bondage is the leitmotif of the sexual ceremony, the partner that bottomed can, if so inclined, provide his or her top with similar pleasures during the next phase of the ceremony—reversing roles, in essence. (Do allow the bottom to enjoy coming down from the peaks of the endorphin high after he or she has been set free and before the switch.) But consider that the longer and more all encompassing the session is, the more consolidated the roles of top and bottom are likely to become. Inverting the dynamics of the power shift may therefore not be convenient or feel natural for either partner. But keep the option open—lovers should follow their instincts, and let their sense of sexual freedom and creativity soar!

When the bottom is simultaneously being caressed, licked, tickled, cropped, or spanked to delight, he or she is likely to have a hard time obeying the top’s orders … and this is where the fun begins! The practice of verbal bondage is the safest form of erotic restraint; it simply entails telling an aroused lover not to move. If a partner is aroused and fully immersed in the sexual dimension, and at the right time and in the right context they are told, “Do not move, not even an inch,” it will make a strong psychophysiological impact.

Prior to making an investment in any bondage gear, bondage novices can test each other’s receptivity to movement restraint with this simple technique. (It also travels well!) Lovers who enjoy its effects are very likely to succumb to the powers and potential that the
instruments of erotic movement restraint can provide. But novices who do not respond well to verbal bondage should not feel or be obliged to engage in this or any other technique of movement restraint.

Bondage cuffs and their related accessories are both easy to obtain and to employ. To get started, invest in a basic bondage cuff set composed of two ankle cuffs, two wrists cuffs, and four snap-hooks or S-hooks. I recommend that you choose high-quality cuffs in soft, padded leather; while they may be more costly, they are wildly more comfortable than those made of stiff belt leather. High-quality cuffs will not scratch or chafe the fine skin of the wrists and ankles, and they do a better job of reducing the risk of strains or sprains. The more comfortable the cuffs, the longer your bondage sessions can last, and the more satisfying the end results are bound to be—no pun intended!

Any bondage cuff made of metal may cause injury, should it be subject to tension or strain during the course of a bondage session. Because undue discomfort may distract the bottom from concentrating on his or her pleasure, avoid using real handcuffs unless they are necessary to reinforce the psychological impact of certain kinds of role-play. If you and your lover like the idea of locking someone up tight, or being locked up, soft, padded leather cuffs will serve the purpose.

Do not, however, underestimate the psychological impact that locks and keys have. They are potent symbols of sexual possession, and while some lovers appreciate their capacity to reinforce the role of top and bottom, others will feel claustrophobic at the mere idea of being locked in. Should you and your partner choose to use restraints with padlocks, the top must keep the keys at hand’s reach or, better yet, on a chain around his or her neck. For the bottom, the sight of the keys dangling from the chain will act as a constant
reminder that his or her only duty is to surrender to the pleasure that the top has in store.

Ideally, the same key should open all of the locks, but in the case that it does not, each lock and its relative key should be color-coded. A top fumbling with his or her keys will not instill a sense security in a bound bottom who has asked to be set free. Without losing his or her sense (or appearance) of being calm and in control, the top will want to respond immediately to avoid anxiety or resistance in the bottom.

Movement restraint can be used during any phase of the Sexual Ceremony’s evolution. If you are the top, begin the session by restraining the bottom’s hands at the front of his or her body, a position that permits the bottom to access his or her own genitals. If hands are bound at the back, this will be impossible, and the shift of power into your hands will be more complete. Once the wrists or ankles cuffs are in place, ensure that they are tight enough to prevent the bottom’s hands or feet from slipping out of them but not so tight that they chafe the skin or, worse, compromise blood circulation.

After having verified the bottom’s comfort, invite the bottom to lie, kneel, or sit down before restraining his or her ankles. (The ankles must never be bound directly to each other if the bottom is in an upright position, unless the upper body is fully supported or the bottom is able to brace firmly against a stable object like a chair or a table. Failure to respect this rule can put your bottom in danger of toppling over.)

If the bottom is a woman, penetration will be next to impossible if her ankles are bound and she is positioned facing her top. A skilled top will use this inaccessibility to the bottom’s benefit and take
advantage of the power of anticipation to enhance the final impact of pleasure. But before long, you both are likely to be possessed with raging desire, and you may decide to either roll the bottom onto the front of her body, which will grant entry to her secret garden of delight, or change her position altogether by restraining, for example, the bottom’s wrists to her ankles. (The ability to change a bottom’s position with ease and in a matter of seconds is one great advantage of bondage cuffs and their attached snap hooks.) This position is also known as “the crab”; it grants easy access to the sacred source of the sexual vibration, whether the bottom is a man or a woman, facing the top or not.

Note that, like any position that forces the bottom to fully expose his or her genitals and anal area, the crab can be a source of humiliation. While ritualized humiliation may be a source of arousal for some, not everyone appreciates its effects.

Partners who enjoy the effects of basic cuff-to-cuff restraint may eventually wish to expand their repertoire by investing in a few extra accessories. Bondage straps, which can be purchased through any BDSM supplier, will make for some exciting alternatives to basic cuff-to-cuff restraint. They can be used to bind the bottom spread-eagled either face-up or face-down on the bed (see
plate IX
) or to impose, for example, what is commonly known as “the hog-tie” (see
plate X
). Due to its theatrical appeal, this bondage position is commonly represented in BDSM and alternative erotic magazines and literature, as well as by the film industry. The hog-tie is decidedly dynamic, demanding in the bottom a certain degree of strength and flexibility, if not a good dose of highly aroused determination in order to rest in its embrace even for short periods. Because the hog-tie’s psychophysiological impact is acute, lovers should
gradually work their way up to its practice. The spread-eagle position is, on the other hand, relatively comfortable and excellent for lengthy restraint. It can also be performed in an upright position.

Prepare for what I call “the standing eagle” by mounting two sturdy eye-screws or swivel hooks on the upper and lower left- and right-hand sides of a wooden door frame, wall, or other sturdy support. Make certain the hardware and the support are solid enough to bear the weight and stress of the bottom’s struggles. Swivel hooks provide the advantage of “giving” and moving with the bottom’s motions, thereby reducing the risk of injuries.

The bottom’s position will be determined by the pleasures that the top has planned. If the bottom is bound facing the door or wall, you, as the top, will have access to the back and buttocks, which is a prime opportunity to provide a wide range of extra-genital pleasures—from erotic tickling to flagellation—as well as genital and anal stimulation. If the bottom is bound facing you, the genitals, breasts, nipples, and mouth are the principal points of focus, as the joys of erotic flagellation can only be provided safely to certain areas of the body, as described in the chapter “
X Marks the Sweet Spot: Erotic Flagellation
.”