The Boudoir Bible (24 page)

Erotic play awakens the child-spirit that dwells deep inside every adult. Whether or not lovers develop specific roles, every sexual encounter inherently involves a degree of domination and submission on behalf of both partners. Great sex plays with and stretches the lines between pleasure and pain, whether lovers play hard or soft, or go so far as to create a scenario and develop specific characters. Spontaneous or premeditated, erotic play can help lovers to tap into and satisfy their deepest needs.

Lovers who enjoy BDSM play sometimes use the explicit terms “master” and “servant” to describe the roles of the provider and receiver of sensations. In the context of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, I prefer the words “top” and “bottom” (and the verbs “to top” and “to bottom”) to describe the activities that correspond to giving and receiving sensations.

“To top” is to provide undivided sexual attention to a ready and willing bottom. “To bottom” means to accept and thereby submit to and enjoy the sexual stimulation provided by the top. These do not have to be strict categories but are instead roles to be assumed as you desire with your partner. Unlike BDSM activities, in which partners
are often expected to assume and stay with only one role, that of dominant or submissive (an individual who alternates between these roles is sometimes derogatively known as a “switch”), within the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, partners are encouraged to alternate between the roles of top and bottom and even to switch between these roles during the same ritual. After all, if we don’t submit to pleasure, we cannot tap into and reap its powers.

That being said, creating sexual ceremonies around specific roles is certainly not forbidden. When the duration of the ceremony is limited, lovers may wish to develop well-defined roles within specific scenarios. This is particularly relevant if techniques like bondage and flagellation are to be explored, because these require higher states of arousal in order for the sensations to be interpreted as pleasurable. Then, the next time you play, try inverting your roles. However, far better is to create time in your schedules for a longer ceremony that will allow you to top and bottom each other all the way to Paradise and back, over and over again!

No matter how many times you and your partner spontaneously switch roles during a given ceremony, avoid playing the same role at the same time—two bottoms will make for a sluggish ceremony, while two tops may risk creating more conflict than reciprocal ecstasy! Keep in mind that a satisfied bottom will be all the more willing to invert the roles and in turn take gracious care of a generous top-turned-bottom.

Skilled tops aim to administer sensations in harmony with their bottom’s needs and desires. No matter how lovers attain sexual satisfaction, the limits of the partner who is bottoming should determine the parameters of the Sexual Ceremony’s progression. But while the bottom’s role is to submit to pleasure, this does not imply that he or she
is passive. The generation and exchange of sexual energy is a joint effort, and the bottom is equally responsible for the outcome of the Sexual Ceremony. Like a skilled top, a skilled bottom leaves the world behind and drops into a truly relaxed and receptive mental and physical state of readiness. A bottom interacts with his or her top constantly, concentrating fully on the pleasures being provided.

A skilled top remains similarly aware of and responds accordingly to the bottom’s reactions. A bottom’s body language should be enough to indicate whether the top is doing something too fast, too hard, too tight, too light, not quite right, or perfectly well! If a bottom slips into a relaxed and receptive state, it is a good indication that he or she appreciates the top’s attentions and is already on the way to Paradise.

A bottom’s resistance to any form of contact, on the other hand, should be interpreted as a clear sign that he or she does not perceive the sensations that are being administered as pleasurable or acceptable. If a top fails to respond correctly to this kind of body language by backing off, altering focus, or changing the tool or technique being used, the bottom should tell the top calmly what is interfering with his or her sense of satisfaction, or even interrupt the ritual.

The potential pleasures of erotic play can be explored by integrating role reversal into the Sexual Ceremony. For example, women may assume the upper hand (which some still associate with the man’s role). If you normally prefer to bottom, learning to top through role reversal is likely to reveal surprisingly empowering effects. Take command! Undress your lover, and do not consider getting undressed until he or she is totally naked. Then, when you do strip down, work the erotic powers of anticipation and mystery. Take your time.

In a similar vein, switching is an effective way for lovers, both male and female, to discover the merits of fully accepting and submitting to pleasure. Women especially have been culturally programmed
to provide, not only as mothers but also as lovers. They may, therefore, have more difficulty accepting the gift of pleasure than men. But assuming the bottom’s role reduces performance pressure, allowing lovers, male or female, to lie back and accept their innate right to be pleased and truly let go. Remember that your pleasure is your partner’s pleasure!

Lovers who feel uninhibited about the idea of erotic play may enjoy the reenactment of defined roles within the parameters of specific fantasies. Do not be surprised if your adult fantasies are similar to those associated with both BDSM and child’s play. Roles that juxtapose power or the lack thereof are archetypical, remaining the same from generation to generation. Such erotic fantasies as being held captive or kidnapped, spanked like a schoolboy, pampered like a puppy, or taken care of by a nurse are in the collective unconscious and are familiar to all of us. However, you must first communicate your wishes and needs to your lover. Failure to do so before acting out your fantasy could get you kicked out of the boudoir!

You may enjoy fantasy-driven playtime that stages the physical and emotional effects of fear, anger, or elation in order to explore an ever-wider range of sensations and emotions during erotic playtime. When emotions are acted out within the boundaries of a specific fantasy with a trusted lover in a controlled and protective environment, they are likely to incite the “sexual high.”

Ritualized vulnerability, humiliation, and even aggression, whether verbal or physical, can be integrated into the ceremonial context as long as both partners consent and the session evolves harmoniously within predetermined and very precisely defined parameters. You should never feel obliged to take part in any sexual activity with which
you do not feel perfectly comfortable, and erotic playtime should never evolve in a less than loving and attentive fashion.

Acts of genuine aggression or violence during any form of sexual encounter, much less the Sexual Ceremony, should be considered abuse and not be tolerated. To intentionally threaten the physical or emotional well-being of anyone is neither acceptable nor compatible with the philosophy of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony.

The exploration of roles that correlate to the emotional and physical impact of
ritualized
fear, aggression, or danger, conjoined with sexual arousal, should always be elaborated in extremely controlled environments. Remember that reenactment is not reality, but if outsiders should hear, much less witness, a scene that pushes sexual boundaries, they could mistake the actions for real abuse. The erotic temple is organized
ad arte
, and every ecstatic improvisation should progress in total privacy.

Those who practice more intense forms of stimulation while reenacting specific roles might consider the improvisation of loose scripts, especially if it is the first time that they play together. Defining the limits of the ritual in advance will also help lovers safely guide each other from the real world into the sexual dimension with greater ease.

BDSM role-play often implies elaborately defined scripts, with lines, ritual expressions, and specialized terminology to make the recreation of a specific scene more “realistic.” This is also common practice among professional dominants. Because they practice often with people they do not know well or at all, they may also make use of written negotiations or contracts in order to learn as much about the person they are playing with as possible. This form of negotiation is an example of how good communication serves to guarantee erotic satisfaction. Whether they are written or verbally negotiated, creating boundaries will avoid placing either partner in unnecessarily awkward positions.

The use of specific props enhances the physical, psychological, and aesthetic impact of the ritual as a whole. Props also permit lovers to execute the ritual more coherently and with conviction. Costumes can also be used to render the realm of fantasy more realistic. They reinforce the effects of specific roles and make for even greater fun. After all, if you really want to be worshipped like a god or a goddess, you need to make an effort to get dressed (and undressed!) like one.

Let’s take the corset, for example. If a woman were to dress in a corset, she’d find that it disciplines her curves, reduces her waistline, and lifts her breasts, thereby making a very composed and poised statement. First developed in the Middle Ages, the corset has undergone many transformations over time, but it has never fallen completely out of style. At the beginning of the nineteenth century, even men’s fashions called for stays, which were used to emphasize the waistlines and punctuate the torsos of military officials and dandies. Today some men still use stays, more or less secretly. The corset enforces good posture, changes the way we move through space, and empowers the wearer by heightening body awareness.

Corsets may be used to enhance the elaboration of many role-playing scenarios, from military scenes with a disciplinary slant to Great Goddess worship. Those who choose to explore more extreme degrees of constriction and assume the classic hourglass shape (that a steel-boned corset can best provide) will need assistance—not only in getting properly laced into the corset but also in performing any task that requires bending forward, such as tying shoes. Extreme corseting is performed in two or three phases over a period of at least thirty minutes in order to permit the inner organs to rearrange themselves around the constriction.

High heels and lingerie are probably the most readily accepted of female erotic accessories, and most men are subject to their powers
of seduction. Slipping into something silky, sheer, and provocative is as sexy as getting slipped out of it. Fine stockings define the legs and create a veiled promise of pleasure, whether your perfectly manicured feet are sliding into, or out of, a pair of dizzyingly tall high-heeled shoes. Like corsets, high heels change the way we move through space. The provocatively shod are sexually empowered … and empowering!

The erotic appeal of leather tantalizes through the senses of sight and touch, but its distinctive creak and musk are also a turn-on for those who appreciate these materials—as is the squeak, snap, and slap of latex for rubber aficionados.

The more specific the erotic play becomes, the more precise the costumes and accessories can be. Erotic fantasies involving the police, the military, doctors, nurses, firemen, and serving maids become much more exciting and realistic when their related uniforms are worn. They are an effective way to add a little spice and a lot of entertainment to any sexual encounter. The possibilities to enhance the quality of our sexual playtime become endless when we think outside of categories.

No matter what roles lovers assume, costumes, tools, and props reinforce the ritual dimension by making adult playtime more convincing, aesthetically appealing, and fun. When practiced with creative gusto between consenting, uninhibited, and creative adults, reenacting specific scenarios within predetermined parameters will evoke sensations and emotions that would otherwise probably go undiscovered. This experience is not an obligation, but its liberating effects can incite physical as well as emotional and spiritual transformations and thrust open doors to a more adventurous and fulfilling life, and not just within the boudoir alone.