The DNA of Relationships (13 page)

“I don’t know,” Michael replied. “Maybe you should call him and talk to him about it.”

“Well,” Amy answered, “if he’d just call me and apologize, this whole thing would be fine.”

Michael started to laugh. “You will not believe this,” he said, “but Ted said that exact thing to me about you, not more than ten minutes ago.”

The situation did not get resolved until both Amy and Ted chose to take responsibility, apologize, and ask one another for forgiveness. They didn’t say, “This is all your fault, you know,” but instead admitted their hurt feelings, took ownership of their reactions, and confessed to one another what each had done wrong. In doing so, they followed some divine instructions given thousands of years earlier.

“If your brother…repents, forgive him,” Jesus told his disciples. “If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
⁹

Much like us, the disciples wondered,
Who could possibly obey such a tough command?
So they pleaded with their leader, “Increase our faith!” Jesus replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.”
¹⁰
In other words, “Gentlemen, I know that without God’s help you can’t forgive those who hurt you. But do you know what? You don’t need more faith; you just need to exercise the genuine faith you already have. God already has given you what you need from heaven’s Fort Knox of forgiveness. You already have the only key that opens the vault doors. Now use it. Take personal responsibility, and make the hard choice to forgive.”

The truth is, the best of friends can hurt each other with unkind, stinging words. Partners in the best of marriages end some days sobbing into their pillows. In a broken world like this one, in which we end up deeply wounding one another—unintentionally at times, on purpose at other times—we have to make forgiveness a priority. We have to choose to exercise the Power of One and do what we can to make the wronged relationship right again. We must not wait for the other person to make the first move or take the first step. Being an adult means acting like an adult, taking charge of our clamoring emotions and making the difficult choice to ask for forgiveness when we wrong others and to forgive those who wrong us.

Forgiveness involves two actions. The first one is pardon. Basically, that is like erasing their offenses toward us. We immediately wash their offenses away like a wave washing away a message in the sand. Second, forgiveness involves caring for the offending person because most people who offend us have something in their own heart that needs healing. When we forgive others, they are released and healed, but we are too. If you remember the Lord’s Prayer, one of the petitions is, “Forgive us our sins [trespasses], just as we have forgiven those who have sinned [trespassed] against us.”
¹¹
It suggests that if we forgive others (pardon and help release them), then our Father in heaven will forgive us (pardon and release us).
¹²
Forgiveness helps the offended person as much as the one who offends. Taking personal responsibility means accepting our part of the offense and seeking forgiveness for where we are wrong. That completes the dynamic in this part of the Lord’s Prayer.

* FORGIVENESS HEALS RELATIONSHIPS. *

But you want to know something else?
You
will also hurt others in your relationships. And that means you need to cultivate the habit of asking others to forgive you.

Several years ago I had a very embarrassing experience. Greg and I took a faulty refrigerator part to the repair shop. I wanted the part back quickly and got frustrated when I didn’t hear anything about it for several days. I called the repair place several times to find out if the part was fixed. Finally I had had enough. I called again and yelled at the guy on the other end of the phone: “I’ve had it! Do you think it’s good for a customer to wait several extra days for a part to be fixed? Is this how you normally run things—lie to people about when they will be serviced? I’m coming down right now to pick up the part, fixed or not.” After saying several other dishonoring things, I slammed down the phone.

“Wow!” Greg said in disbelief. “Dad, you really let that poor guy have it!”

When we arrived at the store, I discovered some distressing news. Not only was the part fixed but the company also had been waiting several days for me to pick it up.

“What happened here?” I asked in bewilderment, looking at Greg. “Are we in the twilight zone or something?” Of course, I was already embarrassed by my actions on the phone.

I soon realized my mistake. I had lost the phone number to the store, and by accident I had looked up the wrong number and had been calling the wrong company. The poor guy I annihilated on the phone had never
had
our damaged part. No wonder he’d acted so confused!

Smalley
, I thought,
pack your bags—you’re about to go on a guilt trip!

With Greg listening, I called back the store (the one that never had my part).

“Hello,” I said to the employee, “this is Mr. Smalley.”

“Sir,” the poor guy started to say, “I’m sorry, but we’ve lost your part.…”

I must admit, I felt tempted to go along with his story. It sounded so much better than the one I was about to tell. But I didn’t.

“Speaking of things being lost,” I said, trying to be funny, “I’ve actually lost my mind.”

Greg laughed.

“Sorry, sir,” the employee said, obviously confused. “I’m not following you.” When someone begins to eat humble pie, the sound coming from his mouth often confuses the listener.

“Never mind,” I explained. “I just needed to tell you that I was wrong to treat you so ugly when I called a few hours ago. As it turned out, I got your company mixed up with the company that actually had my part. They finished the work days ago, but somehow I copied down your phone number from the yellow pages. I’m very sorry for the way I talked to you,” I said, “I apologize. Will you forgive me?”

Although I’m sure the employee wanted to let me have it, he accepted my apology and then hung up.

Is it easy to ask for forgiveness? No. It never is. Not even when you’re talking to a stranger on the other end of a telephone line. But it’s absolutely necessary if you want to pave the way for good relationships. We all have to learn how to tap into the Power of One and choose both to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you,” the Bible tells us.
¹³
Did God forgive you? Did Christ give you a full pardon? If so, then he calls you to tap into the Power of One and take the first step toward reconciliation with the ones you love.

“I don’t have that much faith!” you cry. But if you’re a Christian, you already have enough of it to meet the challenge. God has given you what you need. You just need to start moving to the cadence of this first dance step, the Power of One. Let God do the rest.

The Best Medicine Is Not Always Laughter
Remember the out-of-control conflict between Michael and Amy described at the beginning of this chapter? The fight began when Michael came home after buying yet another cell phone. We last saw them in the bedroom closet, where Mount Saint Helens had erupted in a series of superheated lava flows.

We probably ought to get them out of there!

After Amy stopped laughing at Michael’s rapid-fire finger pointing, she took control of her reactions. “We’ve got to settle this; this is out of control. Michael, I’m sorry I blew up at you.”

Then she got up, left the closet, and headed straight to their bewildered son still standing dazed in the living room. She spent several minutes apologizing to him and reassuring him that she would never again talk like that about his daddy.

“I was wrong, sweetheart,” she said, stroking his hair. “I never should have acted that way.”

A few hours later, Michael also tapped into the Power of One. He apologized for buying a cell phone they didn’t need and that they had not agreed to purchase.

“I couldn’t focus on Amy’s behavior. I had to focus on my own feelings and behavior,” Michael says. “When I did that, the whole mess got defused. I apologized for the cell phone fiasco, asked her forgiveness for my out-of-control reaction, and we got back to living on the same page.”

Oh, and one other thing. Michael returned the cell phone. It seemed the personally responsible thing to do.

You’ll never have your desired satisfying relationships unless you and your loved ones feel safe around each other. The next chapter gives you five ways to create a safe place for love to flourish.

1. 1. Take control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
   You are part of the picture in every relationship, in every Fear Dance. You can choose to do something. Remember that your thoughts determine your feelings and actions.
   
2. 2. Take responsibility for your buttons.
   You have a choice about how you react when someone pushes your fear button. No one controls how you react. You alone do that. You are in charge of your buttons.
   
3. 3. Don’t give others the power to control your feelings.
   Focus on the right person. Personal responsibility means refusing to focus on what the other person has done. The only person you can change is yourself. You can stop the Fear Dance. You control whether you get stuck in the Fear Dance. It takes only one person to stop the destructive dance.
   
4. 4. Don’t look to others to make you happy.
   Don’t fall into the “If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” myth. Come to relationships with realistic expectations.
   
5. 5. Become the CEO of your life.
   You can’t force people to meet your needs, but when you express legitimate needs to others, they can choose to step in to assist you.
   
6. 6. Forgiveness heals relationships.
   Taking personal responsibility means you confess your wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. You also forgive others.
   

In how many of your relationships do you feel safe to open up and reveal who you really are? How many people do you share your deepest thoughts and dreams with? In most of your relationships do you feel close to or distant from the other person? Do you feel deeply connected, or are you engaged in some form of the Fear Dance?

Unfortunately, my wife has not always felt safe around me. Some people refer to me as one of the relationship experts, but in my younger years I was an expert only of myself. In the early years of our marriage I tried to change Norma to be more like me. I was so blind to what builds a great relationship. She did not feel safe around me. Listen to her reflection on those years: “From the beginning, you were so critical of me. You set too high a standard for me to live up to. I felt so controlled by you. I believed in you, so I let you overwhelm me. It worked for a while, but it eventually shut me down. And in the long run, it really didn’t work for either of us. You constantly put your work and others in front of me, so I felt inferior to your employees and your dreams. I loved all of your dreams, but they swamped me in the beginning.”

I’ve been married to this wonderful woman for more than forty years. I regret having created an environment that shut her down, that did not honor and value her. Today, however, after I have practiced many of the concepts outlined in this chapter, Norma feels much safer. “Because of the past, I now feel about 95 percent safe,” she says. My prayer is that by committing to the principles you’re about to read, I will create an environment in which Norma will feel 100 percent safe.

If you are like me, you long for relationships in which you feel completely safe. You want to feel free to open up and reveal who you really are and know that the other person will still love, accept, and value you—no matter what. But too often you and I are hopelessly stuck, afraid to open up with others because we’re not quite sure what they will say or do or how they’ll use what they learn about us. Or we’re stuck in the Fear Dance, crippled by our fear and reactions, exhausted.

Why are we exhausted? Because we spend so much energy trying to hide. We put up walls and try to project an image we think people want so that when they look at us through the camera lens, they like what they see. That’s a problem, of course, because it’s hard for people to get close to us if we’re standing on the other side of a thick wall or a false mask.

The good news is that you can create an open atmosphere that will allow you to be your true self. You can choose to exercise the Power of One and take personal responsibility to break the rhythm of the Fear Dance with a new dance step: Safety.

This second new dance step will help you create a safe climate in which you can build open relationships that will grow and flourish. It will help you build relationships in which you and the other person will feel cherished, honored, and alive. It’s almost as if this step changes the background music to your dance, setting a soothing tone that will allow you to feel relaxed in your relationships.

If that sounds like paradise, it’s maybe because Eden was a supremely safe place. Adam and Eve felt no fear there. Before their sin, they enjoyed an amazingly intimate relationship with God, themselves, and each other. The couple felt so close to one another that God described them as “united into one.”
¹
Nothing came between Adam and Eve—not insecurities, not sharp differences of opinion, not even clothes! They were completely open with each other—no walls, no masks, no fear. Their relationship blossomed.

By learning the steps to safety, you can experience that same kind of relaxed openness in your relationships. You can learn a new dance.

1. Respect the Wall
None of us likes a relational wall. It keeps us from feeling close to the other person. We want to destroy that wall, to break down that wall.

Before you head toward the wall with a sledgehammer, however, think about why that wall got erected in the first place. Walls are
always
built by people who feel threatened. Behind every wall we find a person who feels unsafe. That person doesn’t want to stay closed and defended, but because the environment feels unsafe, he or she builds the wall for protection and self-preservation.

You may know people who erect these kinds of walls. They may have been abused at some point and have a general distrust toward everyone. If that person is your spouse, it is valid to understand why the walls are up. Over time your spouse will start trusting you if you can create a safe place for him or her.

Greg and his wife, Erin, learned about protective walls early in their marriage. For the first few years Greg kept a nest egg of money hidden from Erin. Occasionally he would use the funds to buy antiques or something else he wanted.

One day an antique dealer with great sporting items called the house and told Erin, “I have a neat item for Greg.”

“That’s great. I want to get him a present,” she replied. “What is it?” The man described an old laced leather basketball, something Erin knew Greg would love. “Yes, I’ll take it!” she said excitedly.

When the dealer called back the next day, Greg picked up the phone. Erin hadn’t told the dealer that she wanted to surprise Greg with the basketball, so the man told Greg all about it, never mentioning his conversation with Erin. Greg quickly hopped in the car to meet the dealer and buy the ball, using his secret stash of funds.

The following day Erin called the man and asked, “Can we meet so I can get the basketball?”

“Actually,” he replied, “your husband already came by yesterday to buy the ball.”

Not only was Erin disappointed that she couldn’t surprise Greg with the basketball, but she was also puzzled about where Greg had gotten the money without her knowing about it. She visited the bank, and when she found no withdrawal, she started getting suspicious. She confronted Greg with her suspicions, and he finally admitted his secret stash.

Greg’s deception deeply hurt Erin. It made it difficult for her to trust her husband on financial matters. She erected a thick wall between them in one day, trying to protect herself from other possible deception.

This situation greatly frustrated Greg. “Things would be going great, and then she would come at me with receipts and demand, ‘What are you doing? What’s going on?’ I continually tried to knock down the wall. I bullied her and tried to strong-arm her into dropping the matter and just trust me.” The more Greg hedged, the more Erin distrusted. Their Fear Dance was in full swing.

Nothing improved until the couple spent some time with one of Greg’s mentors, Dr. Gary Oliver. When Greg and Erin described their struggle, Gary said, “Greg, you need to honor the fact that she needs this wall up right now. Your deception threatened her. She doesn’t feel safe. You have to seek to understand her and value her concerns.”

Instead of trying to break down Erin’s wall, Greg honored her need to protect herself. Instead of insisting that Erin just trust him, he tried to create an environment of safety. With time and Greg’s consistency, Erin eventually felt safe enough to take down the wall and trust her husband again.

When I see a wall separating me from a loved one, it’s natural for me to think,
I have to get rid of that wall
. But as soon as I take out the jackhammers or call out the bulldozers, I confirm myself as a dangerous threat, forgetting that the reason the wall went up in the first place is that the person didn’t feel safe with me.

So does the wall help build the relationship? Not really. At some point, if the relationship is to flourish, it has to come down. What, then, can you do to encourage the person to take down the wall, brick by brick?

First, the person needs to know that you understand the wall is there for a reason and that you accept its presence. The person needs to know that his or her well-being is the most important thing to you; therefore, the wall can stay as long as it is needed.

Second, let the person know that you’re not going to require him or her to be open with you or break down the wall until he or she feels safe. Your job is to give the other person every reason in the world to feel safe, while still honoring the right and responsibility of that person to take care of himself or herself.

You can even imagine stationing yourself as a sentry. Let the person know, “I understand that the wall is there because you feel unsafe. And I want you to know that I am going to stand outside this wall and work on myself so that you can eventually feel safe. I’ll try to keep my mouth shut and start discovering what I’ve done to create such an unsafe place for you. I won’t rest until you finally feel relaxed to open up and be yourself around me. I’ll even try to protect you from others who create the feeling of apprehension.”

During the first thirteen years of Bob and Jenni Paul’s marriage, Bob was a real bulldozer. When he wanted his way, he demanded it. And when Jenni resisted, when she said no, he would just rev up his engine and push harder. Bob admitted. “She would say no, but I would think,
Oh yeah, but…
and I would find ways to try and get around it or try to change her mind. But it was like hitting my head against a brick wall.”

Then one day Bob realized that the wall Jenni had erected was one of self-protection. She felt threatened by his forceful way with her. He also realized that using a battering ram was not an effective way to remove the wall. He needed to create a safe environment that would allow Jenni to take down the wall when she felt ready.

He knew the wall was starting to crumble one weekend when he asked Jenni to accompany him to a seminar. “No, I don’t think so,” she had responded.

He felt disappointed with her resistance, but he realized she needed to know she was free to say no to him and that he would not pressure her. Bob told his wife, “Okay, Jenni. I respect your decision.”

Jenni walked away, but about twenty minutes later she came back to Bob and said, “You know, I changed my mind. After you said you respected my decision, I saw you really meant it. I realized that was all I really needed. I would like to go with you to the seminar.”

Respect the wall. The other person has built it for a reason. And when you create a safe environment in your relationship, when the other person no longer needs to protect himself or herself from you, the wall will eventually come down.

2. Honor Others
A second step to safety is learning to honor the other person as valuable. Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of someone made in God’s image. God created each one of us as a one-of-a-kind person, with unique gifts and personality. He sees us as precious and valuable. When we see others as God sees them, when we recognize and affirm their value, we help create a safe environment that encourages relationships to grow.

*  SEE OTHERS AS GOD SEES THEM.*

But you can’t affirm that value if you don’t first recognize it. My son Greg learned that in the middle of a pressured day with his family.

Nothing seemed to go right that morning. The family was rushing around the house, getting ready to fly to Disney World. Everyone was running late, and it looked as if they had more luggage than the airline would allow. Finally Greg thought he had everyone in the car, with every conceivable space filled with luggage. But where was his daughter Maddy?

Maddy was in the house frantically searching for Gracie, her favorite Beanie Baby. The little yellow rabbit was the toddler’s most valuable possession. Maddy wouldn’t go anywhere without Gracie. The trouble was, Maddy constantly lost Gracie, and when she did, it triggered a crisis of major proportions. When Maddy finally located her rabbit, she came running out to the car, sweating profusely.

Oh, no
, Greg thought,
I know she’s going to lose Gracie on the trip. I don’t want to go through this on vacation!
So he said, “Maddy, hold on. Actually, Mommy and Daddy need you to leave Gracie here. We need someone to watch the house. So why don’t you put her back in your bed, and she can take care of the house?”

Greg’s words totally destroyed his daughter. She gave him a look that said,
Are you crazy? Leave Gracie behind? What are you talking about?

Greg kept trying to give logical reasons to leave the doll behind. Despite his arguments, Maddy made no move for the house. Finally Greg got very stern and said, “Go right now, and put her back in your bed!”

Maddy turned around, her little head down, tears flowing, and slowly walked back to the house. A few minutes later Greg yelled, “Come
on
, Maddy! We’re going to be late!” Finally she reappeared…still holding Gracie.

At that point it became a battle Greg felt he had to win. So he said, “Honey, you’re disobeying me,” and he launched into a lecture about the consequences for disobedience.

Maddy listened for a while but then pushed through Greg’s words and said, “Daddy, wait a minute. Going to Disney World, is that really going to be lots of fun?”