The DNA of Relationships (14 page)

“Oh, man, going to Disney World is going to be the best time we’ve ever had. But we have to go!”

Maddy put her little head down, teared up again, and slowly handed Gracie to her father. “Daddy,” she said, “if Disney World is going to be so much fun, I want Gracie to go in my place. I’ll stay home and watch the house.” She was dead serious.

Greg, of course, instantly felt like “the biggest heel of all time,” in his words. He recognized Maddy’s sacrifice and understood the enormous value that his daughter placed on her yellow Beanie Baby. Maddy had acted in a way completely consistent with her belief—and Greg realized that he also had to act in a way completely consistent with his belief that his daughter was a person of limitless value, made in God’s image and worthy of greatest honor. So Greg loaded up Maddy and buckled Gracie in her special seat, and the family drove off to the airport in its bulging, overstuffed car.

If you want to create a safe environment that encourages healthy relationships to grow, then start by honoring those around you. Picture those individuals as people personally autographed by God. Wouldn’t you feel thrilled to be seen with someone who bore God’s personal autograph? Wouldn’t you want to have your picture taken with such a person and hang that picture in a prominent place on your wall? Or imagine yourself bowing in front of those whom you honor, bending your knee in their presence. Or imagine giving those people a standing ovation, like the one you would give to someone on a stage finishing an outstanding concert. Find ways to honor the people you love.

Another practical way to recognize value in another person—and to create the safety you need in your relationship—is to keep a list of all of the good qualities of that person. I keep several such lists in what I call my Honor Journal. In it I have several pages of things I find valuable about my wife, children, and grandchildren. Sometimes when I feel frustrated with one of them, I read the Honor list rather than read them the riot act. That way I can see them as God sees them, and my perspective changes.

Sometimes we play a game that makes use of this information. We call the game Bombardment. One person is the designated honoree, and each of the others takes sixty seconds to say, out loud, every valuable thing that comes to mind about the designated person. You can play Bombardment at dinner, on a date, or whenever.

I love the story of Armon, a six-year-old who was trapped in six feet of rubble and bricks after an earthquake in Turkey. His father knew the location of where Armon’s school class should be, and the man started digging and lifting broken bricks off of the spot he thought his child might be. Friends and rescue workers kept trying to persuade Armon’s father to give up the dig. He would always say, “Either join me or leave me alone.” After forty-some hours and bloody hands, the father heard a faint voice. It was Armon, “Daddy is that you?” Then Armon shouted to the other trapped kids, “See, I told you my daddy would find us!” Wouldn’t it be great to have people like Armon’s daddy spending every day looking for the value in us and never stopping until they found all of it? If we or others try to dissuade them, they’d say, “Either join me or leave me alone.”

Of course, none of us honors others perfectly. We all say or do hurtful things that dishonor the ones we really love. When I mess up like this, I try to say, first to myself and then out loud, “You’re too valuable to treat like this.” I can remember getting on my knees as a parent and saying to my kids, “I love you so much, and you’re so valuable to me. I’m so sorry that I just said that or just did that. Would you forgive me?” I sought their forgiveness because I recognized their enormous value to God. They are precious—and what I said or did degraded and dishonored them. When I said or did hurtful things to them, I actually took value away from them, which is the opposite of honor. My confession motivated me to treat them in a more loving way, which helped to create safety in our home.

Choosing to honor others is important in all kinds of relationships. Dan’s boss, Lee, is a micromanager. As a result, the pair frequently finds themselves in conflict. Dan struggles with resentment and impatience toward Lee, but he can’t figure out how to turn things around. In his frustration, Dan complains to his colleagues about Lee, belittling him. “You wouldn’t believe what he did this morning. What a control freak. I wonder if he watches his children brush their teeth in the morning, just to make sure they do it right. I’m glad I didn’t grow up in his household.”

Remember that all relationships involve choice. What if, instead of doing the destructive dance with Lee, Dan chose to honor his boss? What if Dan began by choosing to note every time Lee did something well and by periodically reviewing that praiseworthy record? “When Lee says he’ll get back to me with his response by a particular time, he consistently comes through.” “Lee has a great eye for detail.” “Lee kept me from making an expensive error that almost slipped through the cracks.”

Next, Dan could start to look for opportunities to honor Lee verbally—however difficult that might feel, at first. “Lee, I just want you to know that I appreciate your commitment to doing a thorough job.” “Thank you for expressing such a clear vision for this project.” “I know how hard it must be to keep all those balls in the air, Lee, but I think you do it very well.”

What if Dan would honor Lee when talking with his colleagues? “Lee really came through on that last project.” “Lee gave us good direction on that proposal.”

If Dan really believes that Lee is a person made in the image of God, as the Bible tells us, then he will take care not to demean him or to slander him in any way. If Dan respects and honors his boss, he may find that over time, Lee will become less difficult and more open to discussing Dan’s legitimate concerns. But even if he doesn’t, Dan can know that he is doing the right thing.
²
I actually did this exercise with one of my bosses, and he said to me after a year, “I feel closer to you than to my own son.” I could see in his eyes a deeper love and appreciation for me. I would never have dreamed our relationship would turn in this direction.

We honor others when we see them—and treat them—as incredible gifts of God. Each of them has immeasurable value as a unique, divine creation.

3. Suspend Judgment
When Jolene and her older sister, Patty, get together, the sparks really fly. Inside of ten minutes, Patty usually starts asking Jolene barbed questions about her current dating relationship.

“Is Rick just a poorer version of Josh?”

“It’s probably a good thing Mom isn’t around to see this, isn’t it?”

“Do you think it’s a wise idea to let Bill stay over at your place like that?”

Jolene bristles at the judgment not so well hidden in her sister’s questions, and as a result, the two women almost always end up in a heated argument that leaves both feeling hurt, attacked, and alone. The ironic thing is that both sisters care deeply for one another. If they didn’t, Jolene wouldn’t care what Patty said, and Patty wouldn’t care how Jolene lived.

How can these two women create a safe environment, where neither feels attacked and both feel loved and cared for? If they came to me, I would recommend that they learn to suspend judgment and instead to adopt an attitude of curiosity—even fascination—into what makes the other “tick.”

Judgment closes people up and shuts them down. When people feel judged—as Jolene does when she talks to Patty about her relationships—they usually want to defend themselves and maybe even go on the attack. Why? Because they feel unsafe.

Much better things tend to happen when we suspend judgment (on both ourselves and others) and replace it with a genuine interest in the other person.

People usually act and feel the way they do for good reasons. Perhaps Jolene really does tend to pick “loser” boyfriends—but maybe she does so because she feels like a loser. Maybe she sees herself through a distorted lens. What if, deep down, she tells herself,
I don’t deserve anyone better because I made such a mess of my life in college
?

Imagine what might happen if Patty expresses interest in Jolene rather than judging her. The two women get together for coffee at a local Starbucks. Jolene says, “Bill and I had a disappointing time last night.”

Instead of pouncing on Jolene for letting Bill stay the night, which she usually does with her words or with her facial scorn, Patty says, “You and Bill really enjoy hiking together, don’t you? What other things do you like about him?” After Jolene mentions Bill’s love for art, Patty expresses genuine interest in her sister. “You used to paint when you were in college. You are so creative. Do you still have your oils?”

Jolene is surprised by her sister’s interest. She talks about how she has given up on her painting—and feeling safe with Patty, she finally talks about her feelings of failure.

Do you see what would happen here? When Patty suspends judgment and expresses a genuine interest in her sister, she creates an environment of safety. When she hears Jolene’s view of herself, she can begin to understand Jolene’s poor dating choices. That discovery most likely will lead Patty to feel compassion toward her sister, not judgment. And you know what tends to happen when people sense compassion, don’t you? They usually open up.

Compassion and understanding create a tremendous amount of safety. When a person refuses to judge my motives and instead tries to understand why I did some foolish or hurtful things, that person’s compassion encourages me to open up—and our relationship grows. The wall comes down, and the conflict ceases.

Judgment results in defensiveness and closes down relationships, while curiosity results in openness and safety, giving life to relationships. When we express our interest in someone, something energizing occurs. Have you ever met people who are awesome listeners? They seem fascinated with everything you say. They hang on every word. They ask good questions and clearly express an interest in getting to know you. You almost can’t help but walk away from people like that without thinking,
Gosh, I really like them! I felt so cared for. They seemed so interested in me.
You might not even remember the people’s names, but you’ve already decided they are great. Why? Just because they seemed curious and interested in you.

Judgment writes people off, bangs the gavel, and sentences them to fifty years at hard labor. That kind of judgment shuts off discovery. It’s as if you’ve already heard everything you need to hear in order to render your verdict: “That’s it. You’re finished.”

Curiosity says something quite different. It says, “I don’t know enough yet to render a verdict, so I’ll forget about sentencing for a while. It’s true that I don’t like what has happened. But I still need to open the door to discovery.” One lifetime is not long enough to really know the true beauty of another person. Besides, everyone changes inside every year, so you’ll never be able to really know everything about one person. Stay curious.

The process of discovery gives life to relationships. If you stay fascinated with your spouse, your friends, your children, your colleagues, your neighbors, you’ll never find the end of your opportunity to learn—both about them and about yourself. When you choose to suspend judgment and foster a spirit of curiosity, you keep the relationship safe and alive. You encourage it to grow and deepen.

4. Value Differences
A fourth step to safety is learning how to deal with our differences. When two people are in conflict, they often point to their differences as the problem. But that’s simply not true. Differences are actually a blessing
if
you know how to deal with them and capitalize on them.

Jim and his wife struggled for years over how to do vacations. Her idea of a great vacation was to cram as much into their time as possible. They saw as many sights and did as many tourist activities as they could manage. Only then, when they had seen everything there was to see, had they really “succeeded.”

Jim’s ideal vacation, on the other hand, took him completely away from his busyness and hectic schedule. He wanted to lie on a deserted beach for a week, doing absolutely nothing.

One year Jim told his wife that he just couldn’t do her type of vacation anymore. He also recognized that she couldn’t do his. So they agreed to alternate his pattern with hers. One day they would see all the sights and keep a really busy schedule, and the next day they’d lounge by the pool. The following day they’d scurry around like ants, and then the next, plop down at the beach.

They had the best vacation ever “because by working
with
our differences,” Jim said, “we both felt like we were winning. And to top it off, we found that the balance was much healthier for both of us. It increased our ability to enjoy our vacation more than we ever had.”

By valuing his wife’s differences rather than resenting them, Jim also found a valuable side benefit. He has discovered many important things about his wife: her knowledge of history and art, her ease with strangers, her appreciation for beauty. But he also has made surprising discoveries about himself. And he would have remained in the dark about both had he not begun to value the differences he saw in his life partner.

If a relationship is to feel like a safe place, it must make room for
all
of both people. None of us has the option of getting rid of some part of ourselves. Wherever I go, I carry all of me with me. And if certain parts of me (or certain parts of you) are not welcome in our relationship, then we no longer have room to be who we are. And what’s safe about that? Nothing! In such a case, you
have
to put up walls or use energy to pretend to be someone you aren’t.

Think about the current relationship conflicts you face. What differences in the other person bother you? How can you value those differences? And how can you make those differences work
for
your relationship?

Think of two people who irritate you. Then think of their specific behavior that irritates you. Now, try to think of at least one good thing about that irritating behavior. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Here’s what I mean. When my son Michael was younger, I was always irritated when he ate cereal. He would rub his spoon over his chin and scoop up dripping milk. That bugged me. What’s good about this irritating behavior? One day I realized that I eat cereal the same way. What irritated me about Michael’s behavior is something I do myself. He was a mirror of my own behavior. I have learned that when someone’s behavior irritates me, I look inside myself to see if I am guilty of doing a similar thing. I now know that I tend to get irritated with others when they reveal my own imperfections. That realization is a good thing that came from my irritation.