The Good Daughter (28 page)

I closed my eyes and burrowed into Brian's chest. The bell rang. ‘I need to talk to you at lunchtime,' I said. We urgently needed to figure out what to say to Jesse. I did
not
want to be responsible for messing up their friendship.

‘Sure.' Brian headed to class.

I dawdled. First period was English with Jesse. He looked at me as if he didn't recognise me. I walked to the back of the class, haunted by his stony face.

At lunch Dina and I met at the front of the school. After fifteen minutes Brian was nowhere to be seen. ‘I'm going to check the oval,' I told Dina.'

Dina pulled out a
Cosmo
magazine. ‘Whatever.'

I spent ten minutes checking the soccer groups. When I ran back, Dina was still on her own. ‘He didn't turn up?' I gasped.

Dina shook her head. ‘Are you sure he's not avoiding you?' She licked her finger and flicked the page. ‘He didn't seem that excited to see you this morning.'

It was exactly what I'd been thinking. ‘Even if he is,' I admitted, ‘it's only because Adnan is being a prick.' It was the only reason I could think of for Brian's behaviour. After all, Brian had come on to me after he'd found out I'd kissed Jesse. That meant he liked me. ‘Right?' I asked Dina after I'd repeated my theory.

‘Who knows what goes on in the minds of men?' she asked bitterly. ‘Maybe now he's got you, he doesn't want you.'

‘Brian wouldn't do that,' I denied, trying to convince myself as well.

The bell rang and Dina put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Take it from someone who's no longer surprised by the idiocy of men. Be prepared.' Her eyes were full of pain.

I should have asked her about her weekend with Tony, instead of being so totally self-obsessed. Now I'd neglected her, too. I slowed my steps. I had Psychology and was spending two periods with Jesse. Could this day get any worse?

We'd been working in pairs for a few weeks and, of course, I was partners with Jesse. As everyone matched up, Jesse headed over. I stared at the table. He dropped his folder on my desk. I flinched.

‘I've followed up those articles in the library,' he announced as he sat down and read through his notes in a monotone voice. I could feel his distaste at being close to me. ‘Is there anything you have to add?'

‘Um, no…' My voice was barely a whisper.

He grabbed his folder and went to stand, but changed his mind. He dropped the folder on the desk again and turned in the chair so that he faced me. ‘I want to know why you did it?' Jesse demanded.

I couldn't meet his eyes. ‘It just happened—'

‘Cut the crap,' Jesse interrupted. ‘Why Brian of all people?'

‘What do you mean?' I looked up. ‘You know I've always liked Brian.'

‘Yes, but he's had the talk with you,' Jesse said. ‘So I don't understand why—'

‘Yes, we had the talk.' I was getting angry. While I knew that I'd treated him badly, he didn't have the right to tell me who I could or couldn't be with. ‘He was the one who kissed me. He was the one who changed his mind about us being more than friends.'

‘He kissed you?' Jesse asked.

‘Yes,' I said. Jesse stared out the window behind me, a perplexed look on his face. ‘Jesse, I'm sorry about what happened between us,' I said. ‘I shouldn't have led you on when I always had feelings for Brian.'

‘Have you talked to Brian since Saturday?' Jesse asked.

‘We haven't had a chance—'

‘This is a mess.' Jesse put his hands through his hair. ‘Sabiha, you must know that Brian is—'

‘Class, please face the front,' the teacher said.

Jesse sighed in frustration and returned to his desk.

I hesitated before I knocked on Brian's front door. I'd waited for him after school. When he didn't show up I'd walked up Main Road and, before I knew it, I was in his street. ‘Just do it.' I psyched myself up and knocked.

His brother Greg opened the door. ‘Brian's friend right?' I nodded. ‘He's in his room.' He showed me through.

I knocked before pushing the door open and then froze, trying to make sense of what was in front of me. Brian and Adnan were frantically pulling up their pants; their hair was mussed and their cheeks were flushed.

‘What—' I started, but Adnan rushed over and yanked me into the bedroom.

what comes around, goes around

He closed the door and pushed me onto the bed, his hand covering my mouth. ‘You will
not
tell
anybody
what you just saw.' He squeezed my jaw so hard I could barely breathe.

Brian pulled him away. ‘She won't tell anyone.'

‘How do you know?' Adnan shoved him. Brian fell into the wall. ‘I knew I shouldn't have come to your house.' I thought he would kick Brian. Instead he pulled on his jacket and headed for the door.

‘Don't leave like this,' Brian said, following him. ‘Please Adnan,' he begged, as he kissed his neck.

There was triumph in Adnan's eyes. I turned away, filled with sickening disbelief: he hadn't been possessive of me this morning, but of Brian. I jammed my hand over my mouth, stifling my sobs. They made suckling noises as they kissed.

‘I'll see you tomorrow,' Adnan murmured.

The door closed and I was alone with Brian. He sat next to me on the bed. ‘How long?' I grunted.

‘It was there from the beginning.' He lit up a cigarette. ‘But it didn't happen until the party.'

I remembered the two figures I'd seen embracing in the bathroom. ‘It was you.' I turned to him. ‘You were kissing in the bathroom.'

His eyes were wet with tears. He took a puff of his cigarette, but didn't look at me as he nodded.

‘Then why did you kiss me?' I asked.

He exhaled and finally met my gaze. ‘I had to know for sure if I was gay.'

I closed my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? He'd all but told me after he kissed me, but I hadn't listened. ‘You used me,' I whispered. What we'd done together now overwhelmed me with shame. We hadn't gone all the way, but we'd done more than kiss.

‘Don't play innocent,' Brian said. ‘You knew all along.'

I kept shaking my head.

He pulled my face to his and put his forehead on mine. ‘Yes, you did.' He moved my head so that I nodded. ‘You used me, too.'

I opened my eyes. ‘No, I didn't,' I whispered.

‘I stopped.' He smiled bitterly. ‘You kept going.'

I pulled away and ran for the door.

‘Will you tell anyone?' he asked.

I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob as I turned to look at him. His back was to me, his shoulders hunched in misery, and a wispy cloud of cigarette smoke floated around his head. I wished I'd never found out. There was no way I would ever tell Auntie Zehra what I'd seen today. I'd destroy their family. Adnan was the golden child on whom they hung all their hopes and dreams. I left without answering.

I walked out of Brian's house in tears and saw Jesse heading towards me. Why did he always have to see me at my lowest point?

Jesse took my arm and walked me down the street. ‘So Brian told you he was gay?'

‘When did he tell you?' How come I was the last one to find out?

‘I always knew he was gay.'

‘Well, I didn't,' I said flatly.

‘Will you be okay?' he asked, before I had a chance to get angry.

I nodded. He made me feel worse by being nice to me. He should hate my guts after what I'd done to him. ‘I'd better get going.' I edged down the road.

‘Okay,' Jesse said softly.

All I wanted was somehow to go back in time: I wouldn't have gone to Jesse's house and kissed him, I wouldn't have got drunk and come on to Brian and I wouldn't know Adnan's secret. I wanted to return to my state of innocence.

The house was silent when I got home. I walked into the living room and stopped abruptly. Mum and Auntie Zehra were sitting on either side of Dido. Mum had one arm around Dido's shoulders and Auntie was patting his knee. Safet was smoking by himself on the other side of the sofa.

‘You heard…' Mum hugged me. ‘I know it's sad, baby.' Her touch made me want to bawl again. The phone rang and Mum answered. ‘The
djenaza
will be tomorrow at the
djamija
at one o'clock,' she said once she'd hung up.

The funeral will be at the Mosque
…I gulped. What? Who'd died? My head hurt from crying, but I didn't have time to indulge my emotions any more. I had to find out what had happened or all the lies I'd constructed over the past few months would implode.

Mum headed to the kitchen. ‘I'll make coffee.'

‘I'll help.' I followed her. ‘So the funeral is tomorrow?'

Mum nodded as she filled the kettle with water. ‘You know Muslims bury their dead within twenty-four hours.' Mum patted my arm. ‘It would be nice if you comforted Dido.'

Now I was getting somewhere. It had to be Dido's relative. Didn't he have a brother in Germany…?

‘Give him a hug, tell him how sorry you are.'

I peeked at Dido in the living room. His mouth gaped as he sobbed. I'd only ever hugged Dido once, when he first arrived in Australia and we met him at the airport. Since then our relationship had been based on strict avoidance. I had no idea how I'd hug him or what he'd do if I did.

‘It's so terrible for the family.' Mum shook her head as she prepared the tray.

Shit. So it wasn't anyone in our family… ‘How did it happen?' I was praying for another clue.

‘He had a massive heart attack a few hours ago. Died instantly.' Mum picked up the tray and walked into the living room. ‘Turns out he'd had high blood pressure for a while.'

I remained seated at the kitchen table.

‘Bring the sugar!' Mum called back to me.

I handed the sugar bowl to Mum and hesitated, working out where to sit. Mum gave me a stern look. I shuffled over to Dido and sat next to him, leaving a space so our legs weren't touching. Mum frowned at me.

I lifted my arm and held it in the air, then gently lay it down on his back, feeling the knob of his spine. I held it there, his heat warming my palm. When he didn't flinch I rubbed his back. He let out a loud moan and I stopped, paralysed, thinking I'd hurt him.

He grabbed hold of my free hand and curled his fingers around mine. ‘It's too much.' His eyes squinted shut and tears trickled down the deep creases of his cheeks. ‘It's too much pain.'

‘How are Suada and Murat dealing with the news?' Auntie Zehra asked. Uh oh…why was Auntie Zehra asking about Dina's parents?

‘They're taking it hard. Edin was the only family they had left.'

Edin was dead. Dina's grandfather, my grandfather's chess buddy, almost a permanent fixture in our house. He'd been here only yesterday. Now I was crying too. There was fear in Mum's eyes when she looked at Dido and, for the first time, I faced the fact that one day, possibly soon, Dido would be gone. I'd spent all this time wishing him out of my life and imagining the joy I'd feel; yet now that the possibility existed, I was petrified.

‘How's Dina?' Mum asked.

‘Okay…I mean, as good as she can be,' I amended, realising how callous I sounded. I was supposed to have been studying with Dina at the library.

It didn't seem possible that Edin could be fine one day and gone the next. If it wasn't for Dido's gasping sobs I would have thought it was a weird dream. He took shuddering breaths, his hot tears landing on my hand. I leaned on his shoulder and held his hand tight.

Closing my eyes, I pictured Dido and Edin the way they were yesterday, frowns on their faces and cigarettes clamped between their teeth, as they stared at the chessboard. Images swam before my eyes: Brian and Adnan kissing; Jesse's face when he saw me with Brian; Kathleen's face as she walked away from me. Sobs broke from my throat. Dido hugged me.

Auntie Zehra handed us each a tissue.

‘You're a good grand-daughter.' Dido kissed my cheek, his beard scraping my face. ‘The funeral's at one o'clock?' he asked, taking his
fildjan
from the coffee table.

Mum nodded.

I put my hand in the crook of his elbow and he patted it absently as he drank his coffee. ‘Can I come?' I asked. I needed to find a way to stay out of school. I couldn't face Brian and Adnan after the recent revelation.

‘We'll be going to Suada's house after the
djenaza
.' Mum took a sip of coffee. ‘I'm sure Dina would appreciate your company.'

‘I'm going to see how she's doing,' I mumbled, and took the phone to my bedroom. When Brian's mother answered the phone, I hung up. I'd automatically rung his number. This time I got Dina's number right.

Her hello was thick with tears. ‘Are you okay?' I asked.

‘Uh, uh…' She hiccoughed between sobs. ‘I've got to get water.'

Just then there was a knock at our front door. I peeked out my bedroom and saw Adnan taking off his shoes. I slammed the door and turned the lock.

Dina was back on the line. ‘Sorry,' she murmured.

‘Listen,' I spoke softly in case Adnan was listening. ‘Do you want me to come over?' Silence greeted my offer.

‘Actually—' Dina began. As I waited for her rejection I tried to think of an alternative way to get out of the house. ‘—that would be great.' Was I mistaken, or was she sighing with relief?

‘Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes.'

I opened my bedroom door and called for Mum. ‘Can you drive me to Dina's?' I asked when she came to my room. ‘She's really upset.'

‘I can do it.' Adnan's head appeared over Mum's.

I made a begging face at Mum.

‘Thank you, Adnan.' Mum patted him on the shoulder.

‘No—' I almost shouted.

Mum jumped.