The Good Daughter (31 page)

I walked through the house, haunted by Mum's presence. Auntie had moved into her bedroom. She'd packed up some of Mum's clothes so she could use one side of her wardrobe.

‘She's doing better,' Auntie said when she found me. ‘She's been asking for you.'

I touched Mum's hairbrush.

‘She misses you.'

I snatched my hand back from the hairbrush and went to my bedroom. Auntie had cleaned it and changed the bedding, but my things were still in their place.

Auntie drove me to school the next day. When she pulled up I held onto the doorhandle, paralysed. All the things I'd avoided thinking about while trying to sleep myself into a coma were waiting for me on the school grounds. ‘There's Dina!' Auntie waved at her.

Dina opened the car door and smiled at me. ‘It's okay. I'll look after her,' she told Auntie.

‘I'll be here to pick you up after school.' Auntie drove off, beeping her horn.

We sat on the picnic table and Dina chatted. I kept looking around, not wanting to be ambushed by Brian or Jesse. I didn't know what I'd do when I saw them, but running seemed like a good option.

‘How's your mum?' Dina asked.

I shrugged. I hadn't seen my mother since the confrontation at Safet's. While I knew I couldn't hold her responsible for what she'd said then, I also knew that when she was sick she said all the things she would normally keep inside. I couldn't help but believe there was some truth in her words and I didn't know if I could forgive her.

‘I tried texting you,' Dina said.

‘I know,' I replied. I'd received messages from her and Jesse while I was in the foster home. ‘Sorry, I didn't want to talk to anyone.'

‘That's okay. I can catch you up on all the gossip.' Without waiting for my response, Dina launched into it, instantly more animated. ‘Well…Gemma moved out with Rob. She got an apprenticeship to be a pastry chef and isn't coming to school any more.'

‘Have you and Gemma talked?' I asked, now curious.

Dina shook her head. ‘Not since our fight on the oval. And I think Brian and Adnan had a fight because they're not hanging out any more. Do you know anything about that?'

I shook my head. Adnan was a cold-hearted bastard. He'd ditched Brian so no one would find out about them. As much as I hated Adnan I couldn't hurt my aunt and destroy our family by revealing Adnan's secret.

‘Adnan has a girlfriend. Her name is Tanya and she's Greek,' Dina continued.

I almost smiled as I thought about what Auntie would do if she found out her precious son was dating a
vlah
. It was something to keep in mind for the future.

Dina went silent.

‘Tony?' I asked.

‘He's going overseas with his mum. He's denying it, but I reckon they're going to find him a wife.' I covered my hand with hers. She gripped it and leaned into me.

‘Hello.' I stiffened as I recognised Jesse's voice.

Dina wiped her face. ‘I've got to go to the bathroom.'

Jesse walked to the front of the table. ‘How are you?'

‘Okay,' I whispered, terrified, my eyes on the ground.

‘I collected your English homework.' He handed me an envelope.

When I pulled out a few sheets I saw that he'd collected notes from all my classes, even the ones we didn't share.

‘Why did you do this?' I crushed the envelope in my fist. ‘After what I did to you.'

‘You didn't do anything to me.'

‘What do you mean? I led you on.'

‘No,' Jesse's gaze didn't waver. ‘I let you.'

There had always been softness in his eyes when he'd looked at me; but since Brian's party it had gone. I guess there were only so many times a person could take rejection before their feelings scabbed over to protect them.

‘I always knew you didn't like me the way I liked you.' Jesse sighed and put his hands on the tabletop. ‘I guess I thought that if enough time passed...'

My eyes were mesmerised by his hand. It was only centimetres from mine. All I had to do was take it in mine. He'd look at me and he'd know what I was feeling. I wouldn't have to say anything. While he looked away my hand inched toward his, my breath caught in my chest as I got closer.

‘But that's not important any more.' Jesse took a step backwards and my hand landed in the empty space where his hand had been.

I willed him to look at me. I knew that he'd recognise what was in my eyes.

‘Do you want to talk to him?' Jesse asked.

I followed his gaze to the school building and saw Brian peering at us from the corner. When he saw we were watching, he ducked back. I hesitated, desperate to tell Jesse that my feelings for him had changed, but the words kept sticking in my throat.

‘He wants to apologise for what he did,' Jesse said, misinterpreting my silence, still looking at where Brian had been.

‘Okay,' I said. Now wasn't the time. I'd have to find a way to tell him later.

Jesse signalled for Brian to come over. ‘I'll leave you guys to talk,' he said.

‘Hi…' Brian appeared next to me. ‘I'm sorry—'

‘I'm sorry—' We spoke at the same time and both stopped abruptly.

‘Why are you sorry?' I asked Brian.

‘For kissing you.' His hair was mussed and his normally immaculate clothes were wrinkled. ‘I only kissed you because I thought that if there was anyone I could not be gay for, it would be you.'

‘Oh…' I murmured after a few seconds of silence. I didn't know whether to be happy or angry.

‘Why are you sorry?' Brian asked, his face creased in puzzlement.

‘For kissing you,' I said. ‘I guess I always knew on some level you were gay, but I never allowed myself to acknowledge it…so I confused the friendship chemistry we had for boyfriend, girlfriend chemistry.'

Brian drew circles with his finger on the picnic tabletop. ‘You know I love you, Sabiha,' he said, his voice choked. ‘You're my best friend.'

I reached out and took his hand in mine. ‘I love you too.' Before I knew it we were holding each other as we both wept.

A group of kids passed in front of us. Conscious of their stares, Brian and I moved away from each other. He got out his handkerchief and wiped his face, before folding it over and passing it to me. ‘So we're okay?' he asked.

‘Yes.' I gave back the handkerchief after I'd dabbed at my face.

‘Are you and Jesse okay?' Brian nudged his head in Jesse's direction.

Jesse and Dina were waiting for us. ‘Looks like he's forgiven me,' I said.

‘That's what you do when you love someone.' Brian kissed the top of my head.

In every class, either Jesse, Dina or Brian sat next to me and blocked the staring and whispers that started up when I entered the classroom. I waited for a chance to talk to Jesse, but the group stuck together. I realised that while I'd been gone Dina, Jesse and Brian had bonded without me.

Maybe I wouldn't have to say anything to Jesse? Maybe over time we'd be able to hang out together and it would be effortless and natural, the way it was before I stuffed things up.

At lunchtime we sat at the front of the school, on the picnic bench again. Adnan passed by with his new girlfriend. Brian sat up straight, straining forward as he waited for Adnan to look our way. Adnan ignored us. Brian slumped. Dina took his hand. As I listened to Dina talking to Brian and Jesse, I couldn't believe how things had changed.

I'd spent ten years thinking of Kathleen as my best friend, yet I'd known nothing about her; but now I knew all of Jesse's, Brian's and Dina's darkest secrets and they knew all of mine. We'd all started hanging out together, pretending to be friends, and somehow along the way the pretence had become reality.

I'd once complained to Frankie about Mum not being a good mother. Frankie told me that Mum tried to be the best parent she could be and that I shouldn't judge her for the things she did wrong, but instead look at the things she did right. I'd finally got it.

Since we'd moved to St Albans I'd spent all my time complaining about what I'd left behind, and hadn't noticed what I'd gained. I had a real family. I had a grandfather, an aunt, an uncle and cousins. They weren't perfect, but they were here to stay.

Auntie Zehra came to pick me up from school. I climbed in the car. ‘Let's visit Mum,' I said as I buckled my seatbelt.

glossary

Note:
I have Anglicised the spelling of some words as these letters don't exist in English. The Bosnian spelling is in brackets.

Allah
Arabic. God

Babo
Bosnian. Dad

Bože sa
uvaj
Bosnian. Colloquial, God save

Chevapi (
evapi)
Bosnian dish of skinless sausages served in bread with sliced onion

Dido
Bosnian. Grandfather

Dimiye (Dimije)
Bosnian traditional garment, variation of harem pants

Djamiya (Džamija)
Bosnian. Mosque

Djenaza (Dženaza)
Arabic. Funeral

Djenet (Dženet)
Arabic. Heaven

Djezva (Džezva)
Turkish. Coffee pot

Fildjan (Fildžan)
Turkish. Small demitasse coffee cups

Hadith
Arabic. Oral traditions relating to the words and deeds of the Islamic prophet Muhamed

Hijab
Arabic head-covering for Muslim women

Hodja (Hodža)
Bosnian. Priest

Hurmashice (Hurmašice)
Bosnian dish of buns made from corn meal and baked in sugar water

Qur'an (Kuran)
Arabic. Islamic holy book

Maslanica
Bosnian dish of pastry layered with cheese and butter

Mecca
Arabic. Islamic holy city in Saudi Arabia that Muslims face when praying

Mejtef
Bosnian. Islamic classes for children

Merhaba
Arabic. Welcome

Muhamed
Bosnian spelling for the Prophet Mohammed who received messages from God that formed the
Kuran

Mutusha (Mutuša)
Bosnian dish of pancake-like mixture with diced potatoes, baked in the oven

Oklagiya (Oklagija)
Bosnian. Rolling pin—a long stick the length of a broom handle

Omarska
Serb-run concentration camp in which Bosnians were imprisoned

Pita
Bosnian dish of pastry filling formed into a spiral shape

Ramadan
Muslim religious holiday in the ninth month when Muslims fast

Shah Mat (Å ah Mat)
Bosnian. Checkmate

Shamiya (Å amija)
Bosnian. Headscarf covering hair

Salaam Aleykum
(
Selam Alejkum
) Arabic greeting. Peace be unto you

Vlah
Bosnian. Unbeliever

Zabava
Bosnian. Party

Zeljanica
Bosnian. Spinach pita

Zdravo
Bosnian. Hello

acknowledgments

Thank you to my wonderful husband, the love of my life, for his endless support and patience, in helping to make my dream come true. I couldn't have done it without you.

To my family for being a source of inspiration.

To Jodi for being my critique partner and having the unfortunate distinction of reading everything I've ever written.

To Renee and Jodi for being part of Degraves. I hope 2009 brings many more achievements for all of us.

Thanks to Michael Heyward and everyone at Text Publishing for their support and belief in my book, and a special thanks to Penny Hueston for all her work in making
The Good Daughter
the best it can be.

To Pippa Masson at Curtis Brown Australia for championing my book.

Thanks to the judges—Joel Becker, Kevin Brophy and Lucy Sussex—of the State Library of Victoria, 2007 Victorian Premier's Awards for an Unpublished Manuscript, for giving me a boost of confidence by shortlisting my book.