The Impossible Art of Falling (Impossible Art #1) (15 page)

Then, she thought of Luke and leaving him. He had been the first person in months, maybe years, to really try to get to know her. After elementary school, she had been home schooled to help with the farm. The only people she knew were people on the show circuit. She didn’t feel she had any real friends and those she thought she had, disappeared as the farm went under. Luke cared. He cared enough to not ask her questions.  To not push her … well, until now. But, was he pushing her? He had simply asked her a question. He wanted to be with her, and the thought warmed her. She thought about his sun-faded, sandy colored hair, curling at his neck. In her mind, she was running her fingers through its softness. She thought about his arms around her, and how she felt so safe within their protection. She thought of his lips on her own. She thought about how often they sat in silence and just enjoyed being together. It wasn’t his fault, she realized. He was just trying to find a reason to be with her. He wasn’t pushing her to ride. He didn’t know. He didn’t know any of it, because she had never told him, and she was guessing that her aunt and uncle hadn’t either.

Shame and embarrassment flowed through her. She couldn’t leave and she was wrong to think she could leave him. She would have to fix this. A glance at the clock told her that it was almost 4 o’clock, and they would be back for the day. Dinner would be on the table shortly after that. Jena couldn’t imagine sitting across from him in silence. She could only imagine how she had hurt him. She would have to stay up here for dinner and then talk to him tonight, providing that he still wanted her. She would wait and talk to him then. She would tell him everything. There was something about their secret hours together that allowed her to let herself go. To let herself be free. Hopefully, it wasn’t too late.

chapter 15

K
EEPING GOOD ON HER PROMISE, Jena didn’t join everyone for dinner, and they left her alone. Her door stayed shut for the rest of the evening. Luke barely touched his dinner and eventually excused himself to turn in early, only having pushed his food around on the plate. Meg and Rob didn’t know what had happened but clearly, something had gone on between Luke and Jena. They were both adults, so they wouldn’t get involved. Meg had decided to give Jena space for the day. The girl was changing, and it was best to let her figure things out on her own. If she didn’t come down for breakfast, she would go talk to her. With Luke turning in early and Jena upstairs, the house stayed silent for most of the night.

Jena sat at her window for most of the night, just waiting to go to Luke while trying to plan just what she would say. She looked for movement in the barn, hoping that Luke would be there. His truck was still parked off to the side, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t taken off. The sun had barely kissed the tops of the trees, when she decided she couldn’t wait any longer. Surely, she would run into her aunt and uncle downstairs, but she needed to make things right with Luke. Tentatively, she grabbed a hoodie and threw it on over her t-shirt and shorts. Only Meg was sitting downstairs in the living room when Jena walked by, and Jena relaxed a bit. She nodded and gave her aunt a weak smile before continuing on her way. Her boots made scuffing sounds on the gravel, and she tried to silence them. The barn door slid open easily, and she quickly slipped in. She was half prepared to run into her uncle still out here, but the barn was empty, save for the horses, eating peacefully in their stalls. He wasn’t around, but neither was Luke. She crept silently to his door. It was closed. The sounds of Johnny Cash lightly played, and she raised her hand to knock on the door. Hesitating, she placed both hands lightly on the wood in front of her. He knew she would come. If he had wanted to talk to her, he would be out here waiting for her, even if it was earlier than usual. She had gone to him last night, and it was too much to hope that he would be waiting patiently a second night. Quietly, she took a step back and walked away, toward Gatsby’s stall. She fought the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. She had really messed this up. She was realizing that Luke was the best thing to happen to her, and she had pushed him away. She had let her past get in the way of her future. By the time she reached Gatsby’s stall, she couldn’t stop the tears from falling. She collapsed onto his shoulder and let them go. Now what, she wondered. Gatsby turned his head and nuzzled her side, giving her the comfort she needed.

She felt him before she heard him. Strong arms reached around her and pulled her close.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, against the back of her head. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just… I thought it would be nice…” his voice broke off, and she turned in his arms, nuzzling her head into his neck and inhaling his smell.

“No, I’m sorry.” Jena began pulling away from him. “You didn’t know. How could you know?” Luke reached up and wiped her tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “Luke, I need to tell you something. I need to tell you about me. About why I’m here. About why I don’t ride. I need you to know the truth.”

“You don’t need to,” he said. “We promised each other that we wouldn’t ask those questions. I won’t ask again.”

“It’s okay,” Jena said, fitting her head perfectly into his shoulder. She sighed deeply. “I think I am ready to talk about it. I need to talk about this.”

“Okay,” Luke replied. He let go of her and stepped out of Gatsby’s stall. He walked over and moved a hay bale in front of the stall door. He gestured for Jena to come sit, and she followed. He then took another bale and put it directly across from her and took a seat. He grabbed her hands and just sat, waiting for her to start. Jena looked up into his blue eyes and opened her mouth to speak, but choked on the words. She could feel the heaviness settle in her chest as she tried to get the words out. Her lips moved but no sound came out, and her breath came out in short, ragged spurts.

“You don’t have to tell me. It’s okay, I promise,” Luke whispered, sensing her unease.

She looked down at her hands, cradled in Luke’s. He was rubbing circles on her palms with his thumbs. It calmed her down, and she drew in his strength. She took a deep breath and tried again, focusing on their joined hands.

“I used to ride. I used to ride all the time. I used to ride every single day, sometimes two or three times a day. My family owned a horse farm in South Carolina. We were into eventing.” She paused and looked up, waiting for any reaction. Luke held her gaze with concern in his eyes, but never uttered a word. “I was good at it. My dad was good at it.
We
were good at it. My dad had been the Olympic coach for the U.S. equestrian team and had competed at several of the games himself. He was the best the sport had to offer, and I was his daughter, so I was slated to follow him.” She got up and began to pace, her eyes glued to the floor. The words were pouring out now, and Jena was finally finding the release she so badly needed after all of these months.

“It happened at the Kentucky Rolex Three-Day Event. It was going to be my last year as simply a spectator, as I would be old enough to compete the following year and Gatsby would be ready. My dad was in the lead. In fact, he was so far ahead that he could afford to knock down a pole or two in the show jumping and still win. He went into the course as relaxed as ever. We all thought this would be a piece of cake. He was almost finished and then something happened. His horse faltered, or maybe tripped at fence ten and then … it all happened so fast. They missed their take off… and…and skidded straight into the fence.” Her voice caught for a moment in the back of her throat, and she struggled to breath. Luke got up and went to her, stopping her from pacing and took both of her hands in one of his. He wrapped his free hand around her shoulders and held her close again, waiting for her. “The momentum threw him off. He broke his neck in the fall and was gone. Just like that. His horse broke a leg and had to be put down on the spot. And I was there. I saw the whole thing.”

There. She had said it. She had gotten it all out. And instead of feeling sick, she felt relief. Relief to finally be able to talk about it.

“Oh Jena, I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” Luke started. Jena turned to face him.

“It happened right in front of me. I saw everything and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help. I just had to watch as my world was taken from me,” Jena repeated.

“Oh baby, you couldn’t have stopped it from happening. You have to understand.”

“It’s just not that easy.  You don’t understand. We had a world class training operation, and then my mother let it fade into nothing. Then she left, too. She left everything. She left me, as if I meant nothing to her. I should have been able to continue on. I should have been able to take over the training, when in reality, I just couldn’t bring myself to ride. I still can’t. I don’t want any part of that life anymore.” Her voice was frantic, and she bordered on hysteria. Her tears were falling fast, and her body trembled with the truth of it all.

“You don’t want to compete anymore? Anyone would understand that.”

“No, I don’t want to ride. In fact, until you, I didn’t really even want to be around horses again. It just hurts too much.”

Luke led her back to the hay bales and pulled her down to sit next to him. He wrapped his arms around her, and they sat in silence, neither one of them knowing what to say. Luke just held Jena and let her cry softly on his shoulder. Finally, he could feel her body relax, and the sobs ceased. She pulled back from him and looked into his eyes.

“I should have told you sooner,” she said, with sincerity. “One of the reasons I love you is that you don’t push. And you don’t ask questions. I felt like I could start new here. And then there’s Kyle, who just rubs me the wrong way. He just wants to…what?” Jena said, suddenly stopping. Luke was looking at her with a smile.

“You love me?”

Jena hadn’t even realized that she had said it out loud. She stood up, embarrassed and walked to the other side of the aisle. She supposed that once the words started, they couldn’t be stopped and her true feelings just tumbled out.

“I love you, too,” Luke said. “I think I did the moment you walked into my life. I know it didn’t seem like it. I know I was probably rude to you at first, but there was something about you that just kept drawing me in.” He walked up behind her and held her close.

“You know…I thought about leaving today. About running. I behaved like a child earlier. I thought you probably hated me after my reaction, and I couldn’t deal with that.”

“I could never hate you. I was more angry at myself, for upsetting you.”

“I realized how much I needed you. You are helping me to forget. No, you are helping me to move on. After losing my dad, and then when my mom walked out on me, I didn’t think I could ever feel again. I have you to thank for making me find myself.” She turned in his arms and kissed him, gingerly at first and then with everything she felt. When they broke apart, she had handfuls of his shirt in her hands, and he was gripping her hips tightly.

“Promise me,” Luke started. “Promise, you’ll always let me know if I do or say something wrong. Don’t walk away from me. Please.” Jena nodded. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s get some sleep. Will you stay down here again tonight?”

“Yes,” she said and let him lead her back to his room. They both got ready in silence, slipping their boots off and crawling under the covers, neither of them wasting time getting into each other’s arms. Without the burden of her thoughts, Jena slept peacefully for the first time in months, in the comfort of Luke’s arms.

JENA AWOKE JUST AS the sun was peaking into the window. Her clothes were all wrinkled after having slept in them, yet again. She walked over to the window and looked out at the morning. Fog had rolled in overnight, blanketing the hills in a cool mist. It was beautiful. It would be a beautiful morning to ride, she realized, surprised at the thought.  And then the idea came to her. This would help her to move on.

“Luke,” she said, standing over him, her hand on his bare arm.

“Hmm?” he murmured and pulled her down on top on him, burying his face in her hair. “What are you doing up so early?”

Jena pushed him away, just far enough to see his face.

“I want you to do something with me, quickly, before anyone else gets up.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him up and toward the door. He stopped, just long enough to pull a shirt and jeans on.

“This had better be good,” he said, but his smile told her he wasn’t really that upset about being dragged out of bed so early. Jena stopped in the aisle and then turned to face Luke.

“Will you ride with me?”

Luke opened his eyes, now fully awake.

“If this has anything to do with what I said yesterday, you don’t have to,” Luke replied.

“No, it’s not that. This is just something I need to do. And it’s so beautiful out there. I just want to get on and feel what it’s like again. Maybe, if I do it early when there is no one to watch, I can do it.”

“Okay,” Luke responded, scrubbing a hand through his hair and making it stick up at all sorts of angles. “Do you want to ride Gatsby? I can tack him up for you, although I don’t think we have an English saddle down here.”