The Joy of Sex (6 page)

French for
perfume box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset after her beauty (some would say greater than that). It comes from the whole of her – hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the clothing she has worn: it is her own signature
scent and no two women are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave.

Because it’s so important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all this –
pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say, “I’m interested … I’m interesting.”) In particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is sexually excited.

Susceptibility and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out, we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people, especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or not-bed, they let their noses lead them.

Which means it’s sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to
deodorize and perfume. Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminium chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be another. If smell (and taste) do become unpleasant, it’s probably a shift of diet or an infection; both can be cleared up, and should be done so in short order. There is no excuse for
bad breath or the unilateral eating of garlic. Where lovemaking regularly happens at the end of a long, hot, or hard day, create a ritual of
showering together beforehand. If you find each other’s perfume becoming distasteful long term, however, it may be a reflection of a more emotional distaste. Take it seriously.

Many women shave their armpit hair, conditioned as they are by the idea that hairlessness is sexy. Opinions are divided on this one – fashion dictates armpits should be bare, but hairs catch our pheromonal scent. This could be played as an argument for more body hair in general, but men’s facial hair doesn’t have the day-to-day importance of a woman’s little tufts. These are antennae and powder puffs to introduce herself in a room, or in lovemaking. They are there to brush the man’s lips with; he can do the same more circumspectly. Kissing deeply in the armpit leaves a partner’s perfume with you.

In the
genital kiss, start with the lips covered, then brush the closed lips, then open her; when she gives the kiss to a man, she proceeds in the same order. It’s the fullest way to become aware of each other, even before you start to touch. She will feel much more at ease with this if he says clearly that he likes her scent and taste. Many women labor under the belief that their natural odor, particularly the pussy scent, is too strong. He can reverse this more or less instantly by showing enthusiasm.

vulva

vulva

can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator

Her external parts, the equivalent of scrotum and penile skin for him, and beautifully immortalized in feminist artist Judy Chicago’s exhibition
The Dinner Party
; thirty-nine vulval images symbolizing thirty-nine inspirational women. Can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a
vibrator – go up one side and down the other. Her
perineum – between vagina and anus – is as sensitive as his; tease gently with a fingertip. The
U-spot (
see
trigger points
), between clitoris and vagina, can also be gently pressed in circular movements – use a careful knuckle or the tip of his penis; an unerect penis will give different sensations from an erect one. If she is
sensitive post-climax, this will help her scale the peak again.

She may be insecure about the way she looks here – color, thickness, and size – but this is just one more reflection of the fact that most genital images we see have been doctored. New or growing lumps or bumps, however, like rashes or pain, need attention. The current fashion for “tidying” labia surgically is a mutilation; in cultures less primitive than ours, women do the opposite, actively
stretching their labia, then proudly folding them into origami shapes.

vagina

As magic as the penis, and to some males slightly scary: luckily, few anxieties survive closer acquaintance, but they are involved in certain male hang-ups. Prudes treat it as if it was radioactive – “All magic,” said a Papuan wizard, “radiates from it as fingers do from a hand” – and a lot of
put-downs of women throughout history grew from this kind of Freudian undergrowth.

This is sad, for the vagina to her is as powerful yet vulnerable as the penis is to him, the source of reassuring menstrual blood, thudding orgasms, longed-for birth. Theoretically, only the first third of the vagina is truly sensitive; as a symbol of her openness and femininity, however, the whole of it is at the heart of her sexuality.

Normally slightly moist, or women would squeak when they walk, the vagina wets more or less copiously with sexual excitement; some women also ejaculate at orgasm, though that’s certainly not universal (
see
trigger points
). Apart from this, any staining, discharge, rash, bleeding, or pain indicates infection and needs checking out; have regular Pap smears and a vaccination too, please, to protect against
cervical cancer. The normal vaginal odor varies greatly between women and between times, but should always be pleasant and sexually exciting. For care and maintenance, don’t
douche – it destroys not only healthy secretions but also the pheromones that attract him. A healthy vagina self-cleans.

Whether or not he has ever explored a woman’s pussy in detail, with fingers, eyes, and tongue, he should make sure he explores hers. She should learn to kiss with it – she has two mouths to his one.

clitoris

The first edition of this book commented that “the phallic-minded male is inclined to make a reassuring rush for the clitoris.” We now know that such a male would be absolutely correct; the clitoris and the phallus are in fact gender-adapted equals. Australian urologist
Helen O’Connell’s research shows that the average clitoris – both what’s above the surface and the much bigger section buried in the pelvis – is quite as big as a flaccid penis, is made of exactly the same erectile tissue, has a penis-like shaft, and displays a tiny glans with its own foreskin. Smugly, it also has twice the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart.

Whether because of too little knowledge or too much distrust, society has never given the clitoris the same weight of symbolism as the penis. Those more aware, however, know that its role is to set light to the vagina as “pine shavings can be kindled to set a log of … wood on fire”
(Freud). Comedienne
Carol Leifer put it more succinctly: “Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location” (
see
clitoral pleasure
). It is regrettable that some cultures feel the need to excise it – though Western cultures too, until very recently, used circumcision as a cure for “
female problems.”

As to its role in climax, there is surely no point in joining the “pro” or “con” debate; everyone has the right to experience an orgasm in as many ways as they want to and are able to. But it should be added that while many women don’t ever orgasm easily through intercourse, few fail to orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris. It is, of course, the only human organ designed purely for pleasure.

mons pubis

The decorative fat pad situated over the female pubic bone that acts as a buffer in face-to-face intercourse, and which, more importantly, incorporates a layer of nerve endings that serve to transmit sensation to the rest of the area when it moves or is moved.

Many men are not aware, if they are oversold on direct clitoris stimulation, that most women can be brought to orgasm simply by holding this gently in the cupped hand and kneading or shaking it, before, without, or as well as putting a finger in the vagina (
see
pubic hair
).

He can either grasp it (it exactly fits the palm) or rest the heel of his hand on it while using the fingers on the labia, or he can cup the whole area, mons and closed labia, in palm and fingers; he can then practice seeing how much sensation he can produce with her lying completely closed. In return, she can grasp his mons, circling his penis with her fingers, her other hand on his scrotum – though typically the effect is not the same; some men find that it simply tickles.

breasts

breasts

an orgasm from this position is “round,” and she feels it inside

“In our maturer years,” wrote
Eras
mus Darwin, “when an object of vision is presented to us which bears any similitude to the form of the female bosom … we feel a general glow of delight, which seems to influence all our senses, and if the object be not too large we experience an attraction to embrace it with our lips as we did in early infancy the bosom of our mothers.”

Breasts are the natural second target, but often the first one we reach. Just how sensitive they are, in men as well as in women, varies enormously, and according to physical state and mood. As with other sexual organs, size is unimportant in relation to sensitivity; if it still creates insecurity, however, fascinated attention is a more effective cure than surgery. Some breasts don’t answer at all, even in the emphatically non-frigid; some answer to extremely gentle touches, some to very rough handling (but they are sensitive structures – don’t let a need for forceful contact get the better of sound common sense).

Going round and round the nipple with the tongue tip or the glans, soft kneading with both hands, gentle biting, and sucking gently like a baby are the best gambits – she can do the same for him. (While there, both can occasionally check for suspicious lumps.)

If her breasts are big enough to meet, one can get a surprising degree of mutuality from
intermammary intercourse. This is a good expedient on occasions when she doesn’t feel like vaginal intercourse. She lies half flat on pillows, he kneels astride (big toe to her clitoris if she needs helping) with his foreskin, if he has one, fully retracted. Either he or she can hold the breasts together – wrap them around the shaft rather than rub the glans with them. It should protrude clear, just below her chin. Intercourse between the breasts is equally good in other positions – head to tail, or with her on top (especially if she has small breasts), or man sitting, woman kneeling; experiment accordingly. An orgasm from this position, if she gets one, is “round” like a full coital orgasm, and she feels it inside. Breast orgasms from licking and handling are “in between” in feel. His ejaculation this way gives her what’s known as a
“pearl necklace”; he should rub the
semen well into her breasts when he has finished (
see
semen
).