The Joy of Sex (9 page)

feet

Very attractive sexually to some people – he is able to get an orgasm, if he wishes, between the soles of her feet. Their erotic sensitivity varies a lot. Sometimes, when they are the only part you can reach, they serve as channels of communication, and the big toe makes a good penis substitute (
see
big toe
). Tickling the soles excites some people out of their minds; for others it’s agony, but increases general arousal. You can try it as a stimulus or, briefly, for testing the effectiveness of
bondage (
see
ligottage
,
and
rope work
). Firm pressure on the sole at the instep, however administered, is erogenous to most people. But so can almost any touch be in a woman who is that way minded – one can get a full orgasm from a foot, a finger, or an earlobe. Men respond far less but equally easily if the handling is skillful.

big toe

big toe

a magnificent erotic instrument

The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic prints who is keeping six women successfully occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, and both big toes. The toe can be used in mammary or
armpit intercourse or any time he is astride her, or sits facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail isn’t sharp. In a restaurant, one can surreptitiously remove a shoe and sock, reach out, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact – a party trick that rates as really advanced sex, though she may appear more than a little distracted. She has less scope, but can learn to masturbate him with his penis held
between her two big toes. The toes reputedly have a direct nerve link to the genitals, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating results.

hair

hair

handle it, touch each other with it

Head hair has a lot of
Freudian overtones: in ancient mythology it’s a sign of virility – witness Samson or Hercules – and some of these sexual associations have persisted to the present. Our culture, having learned in the past to associate long hair with women and short hair with manly conformity, has been occasionally excited to frenzy when young males rejected the stereotype and wore their hair long. Freud thought long female hair acted as reassurance to the male by being a substitute for the phallus that women don’t have. Be that as it may, long male hair today tends to go with a less anxious idea of maleness.

Sex play with long hair is great because of its texture – you can handle it, touch each other with it, and generally use it as one more resource. Unless part of mutual mock fights, tugging and pulling is a total turnoff and will break you out of your sex trance. Long hair or a plait can be rolled to make a vagina substitute, or the penis lassoed with a loop of it, though some may object because it’s a bore to wash.

Some women are turned on by a fair amount of masculine body hair because it looks virile, others are turned off by it because it looks animal – this seems to be a matter of attitude.

Male facial hair is another focus of convention – sometimes everyone has it as a social necessity or a response to convention, at other times it is persecuted, or confined to sailors, pioneers, and creative people such as artists and chefs. Nineteenth-century German philosopher
Arthur Schopenhauer disapproved on the grounds that it was immodest to wear a sex signal in the middle of one’s face. Today you can please yourself, or better, your partner.

pubic hair

Shave it off if you prefer: some people do. If you do shave it once, you are, however, committed to a prickly interregnum while it regrows. Some nowadays prefer it off in the interest of fashion or total nudity, or prefer the hardness of the bare
pubis.

Others find it decorative and regard it as a resource. Try brushing it lightly and learn to caress with it – it can be combed, twirled, kissed, held, even pulled. In the woman it can move the whole pubis, skillfully handled, to the point of orgasm.

As a halfway house, she can trim it creatively, confining the triangle to the middle of the
pubis with a bare strip each side – Brazilian style – removing hair that comes outside a G-string or a swimsuit, or trimming enough to make the vulva fully visible.

One myth that has proved remarkably persistent is that you can tell whether a blonde is natural from the color of her
pubic hair. In reality, it’s often several shades darker than head hair – consequently, in black-haired women it can be nearly blue.

Men can shave if they like, or if their partners like, but it’s difficult to shave the
scrotum. He may need to shave the penile shaft and root to use
condoms – otherwise the hairs can get caught. This can produce sharp pain at a time when he should be experiencing intense pleasure.

health

We wish society would respect the link between this and sexuality. To us it’s self-evident – despite all the cultural, religious, or simply
anxiety-based hang-ups people have about keeping sex in its rightful place, whatever that is – that good health is supported by a good love life. Everyone, ill or well, deserves sex if they want it. To presuppose that illness or
disability removes that wanting is to categorize sex in purely physical terms, to deny that it’s there for affection, support, love – and moreover, to ignore the fact that it’s a fundamental human need.

Yes, bad health can all too easily undermine sexual desire – even a heavy dose of the common cold can push sex right to the bottom of the list. One should never pressure oneself, or pressure one’s partner, if suffering from illness. Longer term, it’s not only pain or lack of function that hinders but also vulnerability and low self-esteem, particularly if illness directly affects sexual parts. You may feel so needy and dependent that sex seems a burden; you may feel so furious at your own ill health (or your partner’s good health) that intimacy seems inappropriate. What you don’t need is those around you adding to your problem by assuming you have lost – or never had – desire. To be human is to be at least potentially sexual, but there are some clinicians who suppose the young ill don’t need sex education and the adult ill never need sex.

Both suppositions are wrong. Loving sex is everyone’s right – alone if they have no partner. Anyone who can think about sex can experience desire. Anyone who can feel anything in mouth, breasts, clitoris, penis – or
can fantasize about feeling – has at least potential for arousal. Anyone who can move fingers, tongue, or toes – or relate their fantasy – can arouse their partner. If none of that is possible or simply not wanted, then hugs, kisses, and hand-holding will give a sense of connection that can often do much to offset the absence of sex.

Knowledge is power, so get as much information as you can about what’s possible for you (or for your partner if it’s they who are ill) –
see
resources
. What feels good may not be what felt good before illness struck. Don’t panic if your condition has affected genitals – brains can fill in the missing sensations; it’s reckoned that over half of women with
spinal-cord injury can orgasm with hand or mouth work.

Be practical and proactive here – joining a self-help group for the relevant disease or disability will give encouragement and support – and work with what you have, not what you don’t have. If
tiredness is an issue, make love just after waking; if
pain or stiffness is an issue, take
painkillers and a hot
bath half an hour beforehand. Choose positions that take weight off vulnerable body parts – she can be taken from behind if she can’t bear his weight and he can have her on top if he can’t thrust. If erection is
difficult, don’t assume that’s the way things have to be until you have explored the
“little blue pill” possibility. And in any case, don’t assume that intercourse is the gold standard – if hand, mouth, and a
vibrator do the job, so be it. If desire is low or orgasm is challenging, check medications; some act to undermine sexual response but can be changed, given the right conversation with your doctor.

If hospitalized or institutionalized, you should ask for – if necessary, demand – privacy. If you are alone or both partners have limited mobility, some care workers are willing to assist, unbuttoning clothing, positioning limbs, and cleaning up afterwards, though it will need careful negotiation.

If you are hesitating to even mention the issue to
health professionals, remember that they will have heard the “Can I have sex?” question many times before. If you don’t trust your health professional – or he or she is
erotophobic (some are) – then they can’t help you, and you ought to change professionals. If the doctor actively prescribes no sex, challenge that opinion. If the answer really is no, only accept it if you are sure the doctor knows how much passion means to you; a good clinician will realize that stopping sex for any length of time is undermining. It bears repeating; for most people, good health is sustained by, and bad health improved by, a loving and regular sex life.

age

The only thing age has to do with sexual performance is that the longer you love, the more you learn. Young people (and some older ones) are firmly convinced that no one over fifty makes love, and it would be pretty obscene if they did. Ours isn’t the first generation to know otherwise, but probably the first one that hasn’t been brainwashed into being ashamed to admit it. No one need lose either sexual needs or sexual function with age; on the contrary, the best may be yet to come.

For women, the end of
ovulation means the end of
fertility, and for some this subtly affects their self-esteem. For others it represents a total liberation from
contraceptive worry, and this, in addition to more sexual knowledge and a flurry of hormonal changes, can find her at a certain age slightly taken aback at her own high level of lust; remember too that a woman’s ability to climax rises over the years.

As to menopausal symptoms, there is much debate right now about
HRT (hormone replacement therapy); the jury is out and the best advice is to make an informed decision following regular talks with a clinician. If the evidence is against, there are medical or natural health solutions for the short-term problems of night sweats,
hot flashes, and vaginal
dryness, and the long-term risks of
heart problems and bone-density reduction. Sex – with a partner or alone – will always help.

Men, who don’t have as dramatic a physical change, may still both suffer disease and undergo an emotional
“male
menopause,” which coincides with realizing that they haven’t done what they fantasized about in youth, and that they had better do it now. This can lead to injudicious thrashing about, or simply a reassessment of their aims and opportunities very like a second adolescence. Women are increasingly hitting this too – the empty nest for both can be an intimation of mortality that in itself kick-starts a bout of midlife wet dreams.