The Joy of Sex (27 page)

Of all the Indian techniques, the standing postures are probably the best worth learning, if the woman is light enough. Few women who weren’t trained from birth could, for example, stand leaning backwards on feet and hands, limbo-style, then put their arms around their legs and their head between their thighs so as to take alternate strokes in mouth and vagina – or manage the one-leg-standing, one-leg-around-waist poses cultivated by temple girls. The outstanding Indian accomplishment, the full
pompoir
, comes from the Tamil South, and unfortunately isn’t taught in the texts (
see
pompoir
).

A subset of Indian sexuality, Tantric sex is currently very à la mode but largely misunderstood. Translation – or fashion – frequently focuses on positions and techniques; however, the real heart of Tantric sex is in not performing, not even aiming at orgasm, but simply being here and now: breathing, moving, feeling the arousal rather than pushing on. Tantric “bliss” is not just about pleasure: remember that the word
Tantra
means “woven together.”

virginity

Traditionally, virginity has been more about her, enforced both as a way of protecting and of controlling; in reverse, for him, the significant act was in losing it, as a sign of prowess. Nowadays, in some societies, sex before marriage is a sin, while in others it’s a death sentence. In yet others still it’s a relief; young people who want to feel loved, to prove love, to conform – or to dominate – worry if they don’t have their
“first time” at around about the same time their cohorts do.

In the event that you are someone’s first, stay with the non-coital extras until you are both quite sure you want to go further, and have thought through the implications of doing so. Whatever you do, be gentle and slow – whether male or female, they are bound to be nervous even if they don’t look it. Expect that his erection or her
lubrication may simply not happen; both can be helped with respectful hand work, with careful fingers in her vagina to stretch her beforehand. It shouldn’t hurt – if it does, it’s too much too soon; wait until next time. There is no rush. Honeymoons, which traditionally lasted a month, or “moon,” were that long for a reason, not only to give the couple time to explore sexually but also to let them get emotionally close enough to make exploration feel safe. (If you find yourself getting into bed with someone who is a virgin on only a few minutes’ or hours’ acquaintance, you are going too fast for both of you.)

She is more likely to have a less than positive first-time experience; he will probably get off on the symbolism of having done it, while she may fail to get off. Any regrets can be eased by realizing that this is normal – only about a third of women report enjoying the event – and that one’s literal first time isn’t necessarily the important one. Breaking the
hymen is one thing, meaningful and joyful sexual initiation quite another. She can choose to see the former as simply a practice session, with her real “first time” being first arousal, first orgasm, or first love.

As for surgically renewed virginity, it’s too often done in the context of the belief that women have no right to sexual experience. At the opposite end of the extreme, there is a great deal to be said for
role-play – an enacted “first night” with one partner feigning inexperience and needing to be seduced; not a bad way of celebrating an anniversary. Real enthusiasts do the whole thing properly,
honeymoon hotel and all; one can even book the same room in advance. Or one can do it oftener, at home, and at shorter notice. All one needs do is to say, “Tonight, I’m a virgin again.”

clothes

clothes

if your partner has a preference you can meet, you are unstoppable

It’s part of the recovery from puritanism that most people now make love
naked and most lovers sleep together naked. Clothes, when they are worn, are there to be taken off – making love can very well start by undressing one another, or by one partner
stripping for the other. Women’s magazines offer what amount to practical courses on
burlesque-type stripping (
see
striptease
) as a turn-on for the man, but this use of
clothing is a conventional routine – for a start, it need not be the woman who strips. Each partner, moreover, should practice removing the clothes of the other sex without clumsiness or hold-ups, and preferably with one hand.

Clothes and their removal as a kick have, if one wants to be serious about it, a whole biology in terms of
“releasers,” a releaser being what turns somebody on. The releasers for the male are garments that emphasize breasts and buttocks or, like tight panties, “simplify the outline” of the female. Women are not so dependent on this sort of concrete signaling – having the right man is their chief releaser – and anyway these days in public it’s often customary for men to hide their sexual signals behind loose trousers and buttoned shirts. But many women have preferences – a man naked from the waist down can act as part of the preliminary scenery, and habitual nudity in bed and about the house doesn’t blunt these natural reactions.

Quite apart from this, some people react very strongly to particular clothing situations on a lock-and-key basis – usually these are men, occasionally women. This is the basis of sexual fashions. Exactly what works on a particular person is highly individual; in this case he often knows and will ask for it. These clothing turn-ons work exactly as a salmon fly works for the salmon. A bunch of feathers doesn’t look like anything the salmon eats (and when one fishes for them at salmon run they aren’t feeding in any case), but it combines a whole range of unrelated stimuli that excite curiosity, aggression, and enough other fishy emotions to provoke a strike.

Human turn-ons are equally complicated. Quite how they become programmed in a given individual isn’t known, but there is an identifiable repertoire of components, like the repertoire of feathers one can use in a lure, from which most of these stimuli are made.
Superskin is one – tightness, shininess, and skin-like texture.
Super-genitalness is another – firm pubis, space between the thighs, extra pubic hair. Also
mild threat – blackness, leatheriness, sadistic-looking buckles; submission – tied-upness, slave bangles; and the suggestion of genitals elsewhere – red lips, emphasis on the feet; shininess and tinkling earrings; chains; womanness – tiny waist, big breasts and buttocks, long hair. And so on. Humans love to fool around with the
body image and alter it.

Other turn-ons are
textures – wetness, fur, rubber, plastic,
leather. Many people respond slightly to all, and this is another basis of sexual fashion. Some people respond so strongly to a few that they don’t hit full sexual function without them (
see
fetishes
). But the selection is highly individual and to tie your fly you have to know your salmon. Every such lure typically has several layers – tight, shiny, black leather is a
superskin with a womany smell; it also suggests acceptance of the
forcefulness of sex. Tiny, tight
G-strings stress but hide her pussy, hold her
perfume so she can be kissed through them, and suggest wicked, sexy girls rather than chaste sister figures.
Corsets make her hourglass-shaped and suggest tightness and helplessness. And so on. A
horse, seen from behind, is a “releaser” for men – it has long hair, big buttocks, and a teetering walk. A cow isn’t.

Many woman have similar turn-ons themselves, but some tend to be wary of them as weird, and, in particular, to feel “he’s in love with gloves or black lingerie, not with me.” This is the wrong approach for either sex. If your partner has a physical turn-on, it has nothing to do with their valuation of you, and they will love you more the more skillfully you sense and use it; hence you can catch your favourite fish at every cast. Don’t try to turn yourself into something you are not – you need to feel comfortable when responding to your partner’s turn-ons – but if he or she has a preference you can meet, you are unstoppable. The “you” part is in letting them see you sense it and meet it. If you too have turn-ons, say so and use them.

So, if he likes you to look like a cross between a snake and a seal, wear what he gives you, at least sometimes. If you like him a particular way, see that he knows it. Some women are bothered that a man who occasionally likes them to dress him in their clothes is unvirile (it causes less anxiety the other way round). But all of us have a person of the opposite sex inside us – Queen Omphale dressed the hero Hercules in her clothes, and he wasn’t exactly unvirile. This is a common game or ceremony in other cultures. We accept sex as pleasure and are starting to accept it as
play. Now we need to accept it as ceremony, plus the fact that we are all
bisexual and that sex includes
fantasy,
self-image,
role-play, and the other things that our society still finds worrying. Bed is the place to act these things out – that is one of the things human sex is for (
see
playtime
).

Clothing that maintains continuous sexual excitement is an old human expedient, and well worth experimenting with. Most of it is designed for women, not especially out of male chauvinism but simply because of the difference in physiology: a continuous turn-on enhances the woman’s eventual response yet would tend to overload the man’s and make him peak too quickly and so unable to perform long term. The traditional instances are geared to feel sexy for the wearer and look sexy to her partner. Some could be helpful in relearning the proper sexual use of our skin. They range from long, heavy earrings to tight straps,
corsets, and belts, rough
textures (hair- and bamboo-ring shirts), ankle chains, footwear that affects the gait and presses on the instep, and thongs that fit well into the vulva.

Most turn women on by their skin and muscle effect and men by their symbolism, but some couples get a special kick if she wears something wild under ordinary clothes on social occasions when one can’t go home early. Could be worth trying for men too, if only in the interest of fair shares. Continuous sexual excitement you can’t stop or do anything about would make a dull event more interesting, and guarantees good lovemaking when you do get home.

Special preferences apart, it’s worth knowing as much as possible about the common turn-ons because for most couples they have stunning surprise value as unscheduled extras on special occasions. If a particular one doesn’t work, you needn’t repeat it.

corset

An obligatory article of fashion in the past, now back as an everyday evening style that’s also useful for sex games. Makes a woman still more woman-shaped. Firm pressure on the waist and abdomen excites many women. Probably works through tightness and skin pressure, but a lot of symbolisms are also involved.

G-string

No longer confined to sex shops, now widely available. It should tightly cover the whole pussy and pubic hair, nothing else. It should undo from the sides with hooks, or better still with ribbons, so that it can be taken off when astride without kicking the man. It is best made of silk, not nylon, because it holds her
perfume better. Other materials can be used as turn-ons, for looks, but can’t really be kissed through – if she wants to use these, she should wear them over the silk “leaf.”

The sexiest G-string is one that isn’t used for street wear, but reserved only for sex: the first direct
genital kiss is given, or taken, through it. Later, she can surprise him by suddenly taking the two ends and putting it hard over his nose and mouth.

A variation on the G-string is the
thong, which presses on the perineum; correctly worn, by him as well as her, it can leave one gasping. Open-fronted
panties aren’t the same thing. Edible panties are a joke, but if you must, don’t simply chew them off; nibble and lick piecemeal.

shoes

High heels attract some males, maybe for their effect in increasing the wobble in the female gait, another instance of making the woman appear more woman-shaped.

That said, for most lovemaking you really need bare feet. For which purpose, to take shoes off elegantly, she shouldn’t bend, but stay standing, lift up the leg behind, and remove one-handed.

boots

Notorious sex turn-on for many people – the longer the better. Complicated symbolism here involving
aggression (jackboots and so on). Used to be the badge of the prostitute – now general wear for everyone: odd how the market in the respectability of sexually symbolic clothing swings over the years. One could learn a lot about human imprinting by plotting the prevalence of such preferences.

Good for
dressing-up games if you like them. But a spiked heel is a dangerous weapon, so take care; hence not very practical for serious sex unless you keep them for non-horizontal, non-bed activities. If her man likes them, she should try appearing suddenly in long, tight, black shiny ones.

stockings