The Joy of Sex (28 page)

Can be a sex turn-on – often the preferred ones are old-style black stockings, which look extra naughty when paired with suspender belts that draw attention to the essential zone.
Tights are an obstacle unless crotchless, and non-erotic in any form. It’s said that if he can get one stocking off her, he is home. Actually, in quick undressing or actual lovemaking, both tights and stockings get ruined, but if you keep your nails and fingers smooth, taking them off gently makes good foreplay, along with mutual undressing generally. Long
gloves turn some people on; they suggest the old-style great lady.

clothes

there to be taken off

ben-wa
balls

When Japanese, called
rin-no-tama
; come in various configurations designed to massage vaginal spots (
see
trigger points
), from simple pairs of plastic spheres to metal balls one inside the other or those with a built-in vibrator. They can either be inserted into the vagina or put between the labia (don’t insert in the anus, as they can get lost). Movement, including walking, then produces a quite unique pelvic sensation more intermittent and intimate than a vibrator. Some can be used in intercourse, others to maintain a steady stimulation – all day, if she can take it. If she can’t keep them in, she should try plastic ones, which are less likely to drop. If she can’t get them out, she should take a deep breath and bear down. Useful for strengthening
pelvic floor muscles (
see
pompoir
).

boutons

Any device – often a penis
ring – worn over his pubis and providing an additional pressure point for the clitoris. One particularly fine specimen was described in the first edition of this book as “Chinese and made of ivory (with) two sky-dragons … sporting with a pearl (the semen) – in use, the pearl is a small knob to fit the clitoris, the scales of the dragons open and tickle the labia, and the whole thing is held in place by a long tape passed through a hole, back between the legs, crossing behind the scrotum, up between the buttocks and then round the waist.”

Jelly plastic has now solved the problems of
clitoral knobs being too hard to be comfortable, and some come with
vibrators. Begin with classic him-on-top positions where he rides high and can keep the vibrating part in constant contact. Then experiment; he may need to grind with a circular movement rather than thrusting.

rubber

This turns some people on, and is a whole-time
fetish with others. Its effect seems to depend on its status as
superskin combined with tightness and odor. The odor of latex rubber excites some people if they have come to associate it with using
condoms. Rubber is difficult to clean – try washing in soapy water. Black seems to be the preferred sexual color.

leather

leather

a turn-on that women respond to as much as men

Probably the most popular
superskin turn-on. Black hide also looks aggressive or scary and is the
S&M textile of choice, for dominators and dominated alike; others, even if they are not into
bondage, like to be encased in it or to see a partner encased. Unlike
rubber, you can wear it without being thought weird, which is yet another example of the arbitrary social choice of sex turn-ons in clothing. If your partner likes it on you, let them do the buying. This is one object turn-on that women respond to as much as men, especially if it feels and smells right (
see
boots
).

striptease

striptease

a magnificent prelude to lovemaking

The modern version probably began in the 1890s at the
Moulin Rouge in Montmartre, Paris. In one variation, a woman removed her clothes in a vain “search” for a flea. Once seen as immoral and illegal but now par for the course,
strip shows, and their more hands-on sister
lap-
dancing clubs, may still leave a bad taste because of the possibility of performer exploitation.

It could now be her in the audience almost as easily as him; the
Chippendales dancers began that shift in the early 1980s and the film
The Full Monty
completed it in 1997. For partner purposes, the important thing is to agree on boundaries before either of you proceeds. One way could be to attend a show together – with a non-breakable “we leave now” signal – and then discuss afterwards whether it’s OK to go again, and whether separately or together. Variations include
floor shows,
pole dancing,
peep shows, and private dancing monitored by ceiling camera; if you want actually to touch, choose the more rowdy audience-participation events aimed at girls’ or stag nights, or go to a
lap-dancing club where, for the length of one song, she will rub up against you. New
Burlesque is the up-market, cabaret version with expensive fin-de-siècle, choreographed poses and a strictly hands-off policy.

When
stripping for each other, it’s the performance of Burlesque that’s most easily copied and most elegant. A magnificent prelude to lovemaking, particularly when she offers it as a gift to him – “tease” here is the operative word. She needs attitude for this, head high, breasts out, hands running along body contours to direct “audience” attention. Keep eye contact. Traditionally, she rolls down her
stockings one at a time, leg raised on a chair; holds her bra across her breasts for a moment before lowering it to reveal; slides knickers down over hips; steps out of them slowly and kicks them aside. She can end by straddling the chair and quickly bringing herself to climax – with him forbidden to join in – before straddling him.

She could
blindfold
him and give a running commentary of what she is doing, with occasional light touches to keep him involved yet uncertain. She should remove the blindfold only when she is fully naked and ready to arouse him. Or not remove it until afterwards.

transvestitism

Many people enjoy dressing in each other’s clothes on occasion for the hell of it. So feel free to play: for curiosity, as an outlet for
stress, to indulge your tender or tough side, to be in control, or to be pampered. In the bedroom, make it sensuous; in public, be aware that however well he in particular walks, he won’t fool anyone.

That, however, isn’t transvestitism. A transvestite is a person who, while staying fully in his or her own sex role, feels an intense compulsion at times to dress the opposite sex role, and an intense release of anxiety (not so much a kick) when they do so. Such
cross-dressing doesn’t make someone
homosexual, and a
bisexual person who dresses the opposite sex to please a partner isn’t necessarily a transvestite. A
transexual, on the other hand, is a person, often but not always male, who actively wants to turn into a person of the other sex, by surgery if necessary, and feels totally miscast as they are.

In some simpler societies, there are roles or ceremonies that discharge these needs (wizards often cross-dress). In our society, they can cause anxiety. A transvestite with an informed and unscared partner usually finds that his compulsion, whatever its cause, doesn’t affect his sex life in the male role (if he has to keep it secret or his partner thinks he is odd or crazy, which he isn’t, he can get really sick from worry). A transexual needs expert help and may or may not be the happier for a sex-change operation. A lot of unhappiness could be avoided if people knew the facts to the point of not being shocked if they come across them. If you have a partner with any of these issues, help them by comprehension and see that they – and just as importantly you – get
counseling support if wanted (
see
resources
).

ice and fire

Ice is the last material one would consider sexy – yet people do use it for its shock effect on the skin. One sex book suggests that just before orgasm the woman should slap a handful of crushed ice on her partner’s back. Other people use an ice cube to go slowly over a partner’s skin, including the soles of the feet, put them in each other’s navels during sexual games, put sex toys in the fridge, rub ice chips on her tongue for mouth work that slows him down, and so on. Not so strange, when you come to think of it – cold is a strong skin stimulus. We see no objection to experiments if you like the idea – you will hardly catch cold from one ice cube. Don’t use super-cooled ice, let alone dry ice; these stick fast to moist surfaces and burn like a red-hot iron. Test any ice cube on your elbow, and don’t place or leave ice in any sensitive orifice – a touch is enough, for safety reasons.

Fire should be approached with even more caution. A plain, unscented
candle can be held above any area without body hair and the wax dripped down; control the temperature by the height at which you hold the candle. Again, be sure to test first.

Alternating
ice and fire activates two sets of nerve endings and sensitizes any skin area. Immerse one
dildo in hot water, another in cold; switch when the effect of either seems to be wearing off.

body paints

Possibly the most ancient form of art, traditionally used as sexual decoration; revived in the West when nudity was liberalized, around the time this book was first written. See the iconic August 1992 cover of
Vanity Fair
magazine, showing actor
Demi Moore
naked except for a painted man’s suit.

Simplest in use and end result are the edible chocolate or fruit-flavored ones sold for Christmas or Valentine’s Day; spread towels on the floor, get naked, use fingers to apply and tongues to remove, then carry on from there. Children’s body paints have a wider range, so can produce works of art; test an area first in case of allergies and don’t use near eyes, open wounds, or any body orifice. Otherwise, anything goes: drizzle from the tube; use paint
gloves; apply brushes to nipples and scrotum; write your name; outline two hearts; paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling on your partner’s back. While being painted, lie still and enjoy the sensations and the feeling of being the center of attention. Completed, stand in front of a mirror – or between two if the artwork is on your back – and admire, take photos, then shower together. Feels good, helps you let go, can be the hors d’oeuvre to lovemaking or just pure fun. But then, what is sex but adult
play?

skin gloves and thimbles

A whole glove, or a fingertip cover the size of a thimble, each covered with cloth ranging in texture from soft fur to hard pile. They are used for erotic massage of the skin in either sex. With a properly chosen range of bristles and some natural skill, these can produce an effect that ranges from the pleasant to the excruciating (
see
pattes d’araignée
).

ticklers