The Joy of Sex (23 page)

The alternative is to forego your plateau in the cause of the other. Focusing all attention on your partner, assuming all responsibility, doing what works for them even if it doesn’t work for you; leaving them free to climax for themselves alone. The experience of having “everything around you give you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you” is unforgettable and transformational. For which reason every lover ought to receive it and give it at regular intervals.

his orgasm

May seem a direct and inevitable process; the reality is more complex. Like her, he needs to feel safe; unlike her, if he doesn’t, he can’t even make a start – for him,
anorgasmia kicks in at erection stage. Once started, his needs are more specific: stimulation direct to the penis, indirect to the prostate (
see
postillionage
). Some can come through scrotum or nipple stimulation alone, but his orgasmic reliability is largely dependent on target.

In terms of what is needed as opposed to where, he will already have a clear idea, honed through years of self-teaching, so can easily – given opportunity and permission – offer her lessons. The only challenge thereafter will be that if his preferred route is well trodden, the temptation for both will be never to vary from that; a truly inspired partner will occasionally override the routine and skillfully take him down a different road.

The event itself is twofold – seminal fluid gathering, then
ejaculated – with the first two or three contractions stronger followed by three or four weaker ones; some men then feel an aftershock. During intercourse he may automatically shift his movements to suit each phase; working solo, she can learn to choreograph her response according to what emphasis he needs.

For a stronger, more intense climax, he can train with
Kegel exercises (
see
pompoir
) or experiment with approaching and then withdrawing from climax (see
holding back
) to increase blood flow into the penis. The opposite, trying to avoid ejaculation (
dry orgasm), is now thought to be a bad idea and to cause medical problems.

His climax usually comes with its own evidential proof, but men have been known to fake to avoid disappointing or disrespecting a partner. Just as bad an idea – and for the same reasons – as her equivalent; it denies both the chance to find out what’s actually needed. If he is doing it, he should simply stop; if she suspects he is doing it, she should gently challenge.

For over-quick orgasm,
see
hair-trigger trouble
. Over-slow or not-at-all orgasm or ejaculation is rarer and usually due to disease or medication (if only recent), or emotional blocks (if long term). The answer to the first issue is a medical checkup, to the second, to take the pressure off any attempt to orgasm; much as with any orgasmic blocks she may have, he needs safety and sensuousness rather than expectation and pressure.

She can sometimes underestimate how compelling his climax is and how lost in sensation he can get – she feels sidelined. He can sometimes underestimate how withdrawn from her he can seem in the throes and hence how much she will need connection afterwards. It may help both to realize that
male orgasm triggers the same brain areas as those triggered by heroin use; for him, the experience is literally an all-engrossing high.

hair-trigger trouble

hair-trigger trouble

either he or she can simply squeeze the penis, two fingers below the head

Alias premature ejaculation. Forget the so-called statistics on how long an average man can keep going and how long an average woman wants him to – any ejaculation that occurs before you are both ready is premature.

At the first session with a much-desired partner, 50 percent of men either ejaculate too quickly or fail to get an erection; ensure a whole night so you can try for a comeback, but don’t try too hard. If you go to sleep, he will probably wake with a huge erection. If it happens consistently with a regular partner, it may be medical;
prostate infections, low
serotonin levels, and certain medications have been implicated. He should see his doctor.

By far the most likely cause is what’s happening mentally. While over-eagerness can be delightful on occasion, it can mean an absence of enough sex to reach optimal performance. One can ward this off solo by masturbating frequently, but in the presence of all the stimuli from a real woman – particularly a much-desired partner – this can still break down. Once anxiety kicks in, it can worsen and rule out quality sex. Time to act.

Not, however, with sex-shop
creams that claim to hold you back – they are simply anesthetic and take away not only his pleasure but hers too. More appealing are active strategies. He may find it helps to relax and push out – hair-trigger trouble can be caused by
anal tension – while either he or she can simply squeeze the penis, thumb and two fingers below the head, to soften the
stiffest of erections. A lot can be done by using a side-by-side position so that he can’t thrust much or deeply.

But these are short-term solutions. Long term, he needs to relearn his response – much premature climax is caused by his brain simply blocking awareness of the signals and so not noticing that he is at the point of no return; the answer is to be more aware rather than more controlled. He should start by masturbating alone, paying close attention to the signals and stopping as soon as he senses even the first sign of approaching orgasm, letting his erection subside, then going again. Several sessions of this should result in a good sense of what to notice and hence how – and, vitally, when – to pull back, before proceeding to more of the same but with her alongside. Repeat while embracing, then with her touching, then licking. When he can stay aware and relaxed up to that point, he can try penetration, holding still inside her for timed minute intervals. The aim always is not to hold back, but rather to build his experience and confidence.

Relationship problems may be the root cause. If he is feeling angry or hurt, the temptation may be to climax and be done without even considering her – in which case, all the training in the world won’t get a result. They need to talk – and probably get professional support (
see
resources
).

saxonus

Coitus saxonus
– pressing firmly on the male urethra near the root of the penis to slow down ejaculation during orgasm. No use as a contraceptive, since sperm is around long before he ejaculates – but some women do have the knack, when giving hand work, of
stopping and restarting ejaculation by urethral pressure so as to spin out the male peak.

This is best done by pressing on the shaft near the root with two or three fingers, but you need to press hard (don’t bruise). The idea is to allow ejaculation to occur piecemeal. If you stop it altogether, however, he will eventually ejaculate into the bladder, which is not to be recommended. Simply slowing down ejaculation is probably harmless, but it’s difficult and won’t work on everyone. Women who have this technique in their repertoire say it’s appreciated, but that may depend on their partner. You might as well stop just short of ejaculation, then restart the whole business a few minutes later.

pompoir

pompoir

the most sought-after feminine response of all

The most sought-after feminine response of all.

“She must … close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow … This can be learned … by throwing her will into the part affected, even as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing … Her husband will then value her above all women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful queen in the Three Worlds …” Thus
Richard Burton in his translation of the
Anaga Ranga
.

This superlative knack can be learned; traditionally, women in South India were taught it. The nearest equivalent nowadays are Kegel exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. Prescribed for urinary leaks, when done well they also develop a rippling movement in the vagina and a stronger experience of orgasm for her. She can then get to a point where she is able to draw him in and up to her G-spot (
see
trigger points
), or even act as a penis ring to keep him erect after his first orgasm.

In this regard, worth perfecting. She should find the muscles that come into play when she is about to urinate, squeeze, then relax; try around two fingers to learn what it should feel like. Aim for fifty times, twice a day. Some sex-toy stores sell penis-shaped resisters to create more effective toning, though practicing with penetration by the real thing is a much better idea. He too should practice the urine-flow trick to tone and strengthen orgasm; he will feel it as a pulling up just behind his testicles. Breathe out and contract the muscle, breathe in, and release. Again, repeat multiples, twice a day.

her orgasm

Unlike his, not essential for the continuation of the species. Unlike his also, often not reliable. The basic event, however, is the same: blood flowing in, a rise in tension, contractions, all with heightened breathing, heart rate, blood pressure. Given descriptions of orgasm by both men and women, expert observers couldn’t identify which gender was speaking. The difference, if any, is likely to come in the symbolism. For some women the trust involved is deeply linked with relationship; not only is orgasm a sign of involvement, it creates it – hence she may be, perhaps rightly, reluctant to come with a partner she is not ready to love.

Argument rages still about the difference between the different types: “clitoral,” “vaginal,”, “vulval,” “uterine,” “cervical,” “blended,” “G-spot.” We don’t think it matters where it comes from so long as it comes. We do think it matters to dispel the myth that there is one right way (
see
clitoral pleasure
). To real lovers, the only question is what works for each individual her, with each individual him, in the moment.

She needs to be relaxed and unworried: neuroscientist
Gert Holstege’s work suggests that the fear centers of the
female brain disconnect as she climaxes – and if they don’t, she can’t. This, as well as simple learning, is why women climax more within long-term relationships than in casual sex. New lovers may find it helps to put her in charge, dictating the moves; as trust builds, she can teach him what works and hand over control slowly.

The fact is that for most women – as for many men – hand or tongue work is the speediest route to climax. He shouldn’t feel threatened by that fact – speed is much less important than quality – but take advantage of it. Watching her bring herself to her first orgasm, perhaps by
vibrator, is not only arousing for him but will bring her along physically and relax her mentally. He can then follow her lead to provide her second by hand or tongue, before moving them both to intercourse (
see
bridge
).

Position may be as vital to her orgasm as it is to his; experiment. Crucial will be the angle of her pelvis – some women need to arch, pushing the genitals down and away, some to tilt upwards. Given the right physiology in each partner, the
CAT
combines penetration and clitoral pressure; alternatively, slide a hand (or a wand vibrator) down (
see
clitoral pleasure
) – easiest in rear entry or her-on-top positions.

A word about female ejaculation. If it happens spontaneously, there is no need to panic or, as one man did, sue for divorce because he thought his wife was urinating on him. If you want it to happen deliberately, the key is gentle yet persistent stimulation of the G-spot (
see
trigger points
). If it doesn’t happen, despite trying, her climax won’t be any less pleasurable.