The Joy of Sex (19 page)

An erection you can’t get rid of is known as
priapism, after Priapus, the Roman garden god with a large, stiff, wooden penis. This is rare, but if you have an erection for more than four hours and it isn’t because of erection-inducing medication, it’s a medical emergency.

Between lovers, an erect penis is a third presence; both gaze and touch are irresistibly drawn to it – it demands to be accommodated with every movement, whether during intercourse or not. This is as it should be; erection is always a minor miracle.

performance

Let’s be clear. The conventional male fantasy of being ready to perform anytime, anywhere is totally unrealistic. Only the insensitive are all-time machines like a stud bull, and stud bulls too have their off days. If it happens suddenly, take time, don’t panic, sleep; he will probably wake horny. If not, the first line of attack is probably more stimulation – deep positions such as
matrimonial
,
rear entry
à la paresseuse
, or help from her by hand and mouth.

If the problem is regular or persistent, the causes are 70 percent likely to be physical – high blood pressure, diabetes, smoking, drinking, obesity. Unless it brings illness, age has absolutely nothing to do with this; belief that one must run out of steam has (
see
age
). If problems occur after a lifetime without problems, that calls for medical review rather than resignation. If that review throws up a cause, the prognosis these days is likely to be overwhelmingly optimistic. The
“little blue pill” and its cohorts have transformed treatment; where they don’t work, the older approaches of
suction,
pellets,
injections,
implants, and hormone
therapies probably will. But don’t bypass the checkup; performance issues are often an advance marker for illness that needs diagnosis and treatment. (For which reason, don’t simply order pills on the
Internet without a physician’s say-so.)

If he is regularly getting an erection
by masturbation, in sleep or on waking, or if the checkup has ruled out medical causes, the problem is not with the hydraulics but the mind. Mind problem number one is turning oneself off by apprehension about sexual performance. This can begin because of
alcohol, nerves, high expectations, or low self-esteem, but develop into a nervous habit. Mind problem number two is trying to perform against a specific life
stress such as overwork or
depression, or a specific turnoff such as wrong situation, wrong vibrations. Note to her: if you are blaming it on your failure to attract or his failure to be faithful, you are usually wrong, and making the problem worse by emotionally loading it.

If such mind problems are recalcitrant long term or causing relationship stresses, they will benefit from professional help (
see
resources
). But in the early stages, many respond to simple, at-home use of loving-kindness and a complete removal of internal and external pressure; no ramping-up of efforts or introduction of tricks and
sex toys, all of which will just make him feel he is being asked to deliver and so make things worse. Touch, kisses, a building of affection, and an implicit acceptance on both sides that the relationship is strong enough to survive can, on the other hand, work wonders.

If they don’t work wonders, move to a firm resolve not to have intercourse for perhaps a month to ensure that all pressure is taken off and he has time to get his confidence back. During this suspension of more direct activities, anything goes so long as it shifts emphasis onto enjoyment: play, massage, touch, hand work, mouth work, with him stimulating himself, directing her – but stopping as soon as he feels any nervousness creep in or any potential erection soften. As firmness becomes more reliable, still don’t rush to intercourse but wait a few more sessions until he is sure and a few more again until he goes for thrusting intercourse of the sort that demands rock-hard solidity. A surprising number of performance issues can be solved by this kind of loving understanding and the repetition of the mantra “Let’s just play.”

penetration

penetration

the most powerful, most unifying sexual act

Love, closeness, abandoning oneself to one’s partner, surrendering (for him), embracing (for her). Reaction to penetration is a summary of who you are individually and in relation to each other. Because of all that, it’s the most powerful, most unifying sexual act.

And hence, it always needs approaching with respect on both sides and only when there is full arousal on hers. A courteous lover will pause as he enters, to honor the connection; she, in response, can bear down slightly to welcome him in. Go slow and gentle on the first in-stroke to gauge how much she can take; this will vary according to her mood and often the time of the month. Pulling back slightly, then pushing in a fraction deeper, but still slowly, anchors the connection.

There will be occasions when – for lack of time or her need to be taken brusquely – you don’t do any of the above, but thrust in fast and furious. Given happy consent, that’s fine too. He may feel more, and there is a unique sensation for her around drier entry – a balance between pain and pleasure – which, if she is emotionally relaxed, can be memorable.

Pain on its own is a different issue. For either him or her, discomfort on penetration can indicate infection or structural problems, and for her,
pelvic inflammatory disease,
hormonal imbalance, or
endometriosis. If the trouble occurs suddenly, and after sufficient arousal and
lubrication, see a doctor urgently. This doesn’t apply to the sort of pain that happens after a marathon sex session or following a long period of abstinence, when eagerness and sheer wear and tear kick in; this is simply your body’s way of telling you to slow down a little.

A stage on from this –
vaginismus – means that she closes to the point of blocking
penetration entirely. This is not unusual – some figures suggest 20 percent of women suffer – and is not something to be taken lightly. Don’t attempt treatment by persuasion or seduction, or an exhortation to “Grit your teeth”; professional support is called for to explore physical and emotional issues, present and often past (
see
resources
).

After the first successful penetration, each withdrawal and reentry – whether to change position, or simply to take time between orgasms – will give a slightly different set of sensations depending on her varying lubrication or his varying firmness. The early Arabic sex manual
The Perfumed Garden
lists six distinct ways of penetrating. Long-term partners will probably develop many more.

choreography

Once joined in whatever position, what remains to be choreographed are depth, speed, and pattern. And though it may seem as if whoever is on top sets the agenda, what follows, in fact, will be a subtle communication, a negotiation between each other’s lists of needs and desires. Pulling closer, pulling away, moving back, hesitating, urging on – all these will be signaled consciously with touches and murmurs, unconsciously by shifts of breathing and heart rate.

How to decide what is appropriate and when? The myth is that deepest penetration causes strongest sensation; in reality, it’s just one good option – shallow serves to extend intercourse and in any case should always be used initially to respect as-yet-not-fully-aroused vaginal tissue. As to speed, fast may mean a quick ending, while slow can keep both hovering on the edge of orgasm for hours.

Patterns of varying strokes create varying sensations. The Chinese used complicated mixtures of deep and shallow, often in magical numbers – five deep, eight shallow, or such; he could use that basic pattern repeated twice slowly, then twice at a medium speed, then twice fast, reverting to slow again. Counting the patterns can help him to control his orgasm, though the inconsistency may actively interfere with her arousal. If she prefers unpredictability, however, this will play well for her; he should also pause occasionally to keep her in anticipation (
see
holding back
).

trigger points

There is much controversy about whether key trigger points – the G-, A-, and
U-spot – exist. All that needs to be said is that it’s worth exploring. But if she doesn’t have them, then it’s irrelevant – and anxiety-provoking – to insist that she does or regret that she doesn’t, and in any case there are plenty of other ways to please. Here are some signposts.

The
G-spot – typically a few inches into her vagina. With fingers, simply reach in and beckon towards her belly button – specially designed
vibrators have a curve. For intercourse, you need positions that hit the front vaginal wall: rear entry where she arches her back and widens her legs; front entry where she puts her feet on his chest and arches her pelvis. Go slowly and work around the spot with circular movements; at first she can feel as if she is passing water and may need to relax through it. The result, in some women, may be a spurt of liquid – not urine but
female ejaculate.

The
A-spot – further into her vagina. Use fingers and vibrator in the same way, but slide in more deeply. For intercourse, positions of choice are rear entry, with her sitting or squatting over him, or front entry with her sitting on the edge of the bed and wrapping her legs around his waist.

The U-spot – the external “spot”, situated on her vulva between the clitoris and the vaginal opening. Slow rhythmic pressure is best – she can take charge here and use his penis to bring herself along. Or kneel on top of him (
see
upper hands
) and use her own finger or a vibrator.

missionary position

Name given by amused Polynesians, who preferred squatting intercourse (
see
seated positions
), to the European
matrimonial
. Libel on one of the most rewarding sex positions.

matrimonial

matrimonial

wildy tough or very tender, slow or quick, deep or shallow

Every culture has its own fads about best positions, and experiment is essential. If we come back to the good old Adam and Eve
missionary position with him on top, astride or between, and her underneath facing – and we do come back to it – that’s because it’s uniquely satisfying. Chiefly, it’s unique in its adaptability to mood; it can be wildly tough or very tender, slow or quick, deep or shallow.

The only drawback is the control issue; in this position she can rarely affect his decisions or make any of her own. He is literally on top, and if she feels underneath in any sense, then she will rightly balk. If so, it needs talking about; if one thing is certain, it’s that there is no true lovemaking without a sense of equality.

Matrimonial is the starting point for nearly every sequence, second only to the side positions, and the most reliable mutual finishing point for orgasm. If he starts in it, he can deepen it by raising her legs; move to the clitoris by putting one leg between hers; roll about or right over, finishing with her on top; kneel, then lie back into the letter X with each partner lying between the other’s legs (
see
X position
); move into back, side, or standing positions; then come back for the finish. Together with the deeper versions (raise her legs around his waist, or over his shoulders) it is also the ideal quick-orgasm position for both sexes. The only equally quick position for him is from behind if she is very tight, and the only quicker for her is astride on top. In fact, the chief reason for using the other six hundred or so positions is to delay his final orgasm while multiplying hers. Experimentation will show you which suit you best.

Even excluding the leg-raising variants, this position has won more medals at international expositions than any other. On the other hand, there is no one surefire sex position that suits everyone. He may find it leads too quickly to orgasm, or leaves him feeling too much in charge. She may never come in this position, or only rarely; so try another position, especially if the man is overweight. The matrimonial and all deep or weight-bearing positions are now known to be a bad idea in
pregnancy: a few non-pregnant non-responders have had their lives changed by one or two hard pillows placed under the buttocks. There are women who have to be taken sitting, face to face, or from behind, finger to clitoris, or who need to ride. If the man needs her flat in order to finish, he can give her several orgasms in her preferred position first, then turn her. A gentleman may be defined as one who takes his weight on his hands. There are great advantages, anyway, in ending in a position where you can settle comfortably in each other’s arms afterwards without exertion.