The Joy of Sex (15 page)

fantasy

fantasy

as the mind dreams, the body responds

The reality is that most of us fantasize – 90 percent of women and almost 100 percent of men. Psychologists would call it a bridge between forbidden urges and the socialized and civilized part of us – the child gets to play, to love, to rebel, to hurt, and to be hurt, but safely and while staying “good.” Physiologists would say that it pump-primes: as the brain dreams, the body responds – the tendency to fantasize may be linked with
testosterone, which would probably explain the gender difference. But don’t take that difference too seriously – some men, particularly under stress, hardly fantasize at all, while in some women, fantasy on its own can trigger orgasm.

Let’s demolish some myths here and now; fantasy isn’t the refuge of the undersexed or those who aren’t getting it – the more arousable and experienced we are, the more we are likely to fantasize. We may sometimes get spooked, yet such dreams are nothing to be scared of and almost always we fantasize not as a step to doing something in real life but because we never will. (Nighttime dreams, which feel infinitely more alarming because they feel completely outside of our control, are equally safe.) What we do want is to direct our own movie, with ourselves in the starring role – being worshipped, being taken, having sex with someone unavailable, doing things that are forbidden, and all of these in the middle of the high street, at the top of the Empire State Building, with the entire starting lineup of our home team or with all the cheerleaders. We know it will never happen – that would be the point, and also the reassurance.

If the idea appeals but you have difficulty even beginning, it may be that you feel you need to be “creative.” Relax – this is not an Oscar winner you are directing, and in any case, all fantasy has its starting point in real life; turn to a strong personal memory (or a favorite piece of
erotica), rerun, replay – and then adapt. She is more likely to make a story of it. He is more likely to have single scenes, often with different partners. The key is letting the film roll, no hesitation. This is where you get to be in complete control.

As for telling each other, that’s not compulsory – though if silence is guilt-based, it’s a good idea to at least tell a therapist. Equally, a partner’s fantasy that seriously disturbs is a subject for discussion and adjustment; no one should pressure the other to accept what they hate. Uninhibited partners will tell each other about their fantasies (try free-associating just before orgasm if you are shy). Really communicating partners look for them and put them on the menu unannounced – there is no more complete communication. If the thing itself doesn’t turn you on equally, the response will. So say one provocative sentence each in turn, to build the story. Set each other homework, to produce an “essay” as foreplay for next time. Ask your partner to tell (or give) you the thing he or she would most like to see you wearing when you come together for lovemaking and then, next time, wear it. After a few big orgasms together, all but the oddest fantasies get to be shared.

It’s tempting to think that the best next step is action. But be careful of crossing the bridge from fantasy to reality; the whole point of fantasy is that what you dream about is sometimes what you are rightly wary of doing. In particular, the cold light of day can make “additional players” a threat; if your
fantasy is of a threesome, better to close your eyes and pretend that your partner’s hands belong to someone else – this is a far safer option than recruiting crowd scenes (
see
foursomes and moresomes
).

Role-play is a different matter, more acceptable because entirely under your control. In the privacy of one’s own room – with or without the addition of a few strategic props – play the master, the mistress, the handsome doctor, or the winsome country maid. He can be the Turkish sultan, whose chosen concubine enters the bedchamber naked and in darkness dives under the covers at the foot of the bed, wriggling her way up alongside him to await his pleasure. She can equally well be Gulbeyaz – the sultan’s wife in
Byron’s
Don Juan
– receiving a favored stud. Take it in turns.

breathing

Not just a mystic ritual – though the
Kama Sutra
focuses on it – but a way of connecting before sex. Standing, sitting, or lying, use
belly-to-belly breathing. Keep going until you are in sync, then slow down together, breath by breath, until deep and steady. (If breath is unpleasant, cut back on spicy food and cigarettes; if it still causes a flinch, book a dental appointment.)

To move to arousal, breathe in and up as if through the top of the head; then let the breath go with an audible sound, pelvis rocking slightly forwards, pelvic floor muscles pulling up
(see
pompoir
). Done before lovemaking, this Tantric “fire breath” quickly builds sexual energy; done during the act, it helps you move together.

Use breathing, too, in order to pace orgasm. He can breathe through the nose and into his belly, slowly and steadily, to fool his body into holding back; once ready to push towards climax, he should then shift to short, sharp mouth breathing. Her added trick, when finding it hard to come, is to do whatever she is not doing – either holding her breath rather than letting it go or vice versa.

For some, arousal is linked not to breathing but actively to not breathing; block access to oxygen and
adrenaline naturally kicks in to boost sensation. The Inuit knew this long ago; the French Foreign Legionnaires brought it back to Europe from their wars in Indo-China. You may already stop breathing spontaneously at the moment of climax; to replicate this deliberately, simply hold your breath as you hit the point of no return (
see
plateau phase
). But even if asked, don’t block a partner’s airway; the asphyxiation in the 1970s erotic film classic
Ai no Corrida
may look sensuous, but he dies in the end. So let’s not go into detail about how; get the same sensation safely by
intercourse head-down (
see
inversion
).

tongue bath

tongue bath

go systematically over every square inch with long, slow, broad tongue strokes

Going systematically over every square inch of a partner, tied if they like, with long, slow, broad tongue strokes – keep a glass of water handy to moisten your mouth, or bite your tongue gently to keep
saliva flowing. Start behind, turn them, and cover the front surface after, so as to be in position to go on to coition or hand and mouth work. If the woman gives this, she does it with the man free or staked out, then covers the whole available surface equally systematically with slow strokes of her open vulva followed by leisurely stimulation or riding astride – the whole package reputedly making up the woman’s ploy in traditional
Croatian intercourse. Mini versions cover particular areas in the same way.

blowing

blowing

can drive your partner wild

Not the slang sense (
see
mouth work
), but quite simply making a current of air on the (preferably pre-wetted) skin of any part of the body, either from the lips or from a
hair dryer on a cool setting. The best way to moisten an erogenous area is with the tongue, though one could simply begin as a partner emerges from shower or bath; for more extensive operations, use lotion or water sprayed from the sort of fine mister used for house plants. Alternatively, most
sex shops supply variations on tingling rubs and sprays.

Air on a wet sensitive surface produces a sensation that can drive some people of either sex out of their mind – experiment on a small scale, using your natural equipment (saliva and breath). In the case of earlobes, breathe in, not out, or you will deafen your partner. Elsewhere, use steady, continuous exhalation with the lips about an inch from the skin. The natural sequel to a
tongue bath
. For a bigger operation, use the hair dryer – the result is far wilder than the conventional routine with
feathers, except for palms and soles – try mixing the two by hitching a couple of feathers to the dryer nozzle on threads (
see
feathers
). Some words of warning: never use a strong air source (
see
inflators
, and
hazards
), and never blow into the vagina or any other body orifice (except the mouth).

bites

bites

gentle nibbling, hard pressure, love bruises

Hindu eroticians classified these at huge length. Gentle nibbling (of the penis, breasts, skin, fingers, ears, labia, clitoris, armpit hair) is part of the general excitatory repertoire. Hard bites at the moment of orgasm excite some people, but for most, like other over-painful stimuli, they are a turnoff. Some people tend to bite more than others; remember that often your partner will do to you what they really want done to them – being aware of this is the great secret of communicating sex.

Love bruises, on the neck and elsewhere, which some lovers find act like a constant playback, setting off more lovemaking every time they are seen, aren’t made by biting but by strong, continuous suction
kisses; practice on your palm. Check before starting that it’s acceptable to leave a mark – if not, make the suction slight. If it goes too far, the application of an ice cube will ease out the damage, then use
arnica and cover with makeup. Sharper nips to the skin aren’t as a rule erotic.

Be careful of biting genitals at all, or any part of the body at or near orgasm; the jaws may go into spasm and you can clamp down really hard – in fact, don’t ever have an orgasm with a breast, penis, clitoris, or finger in your mouth. The need to
bite can be taken out on something neutral like cloth or hair, and should always be if there is any risk of unsafe sex. This seems to be a case where the mammalian program of reflexes is over-tough for human enjoyment.