The Joy of Sex (17 page)

Sex for all males and many females begins in the hand-work class – both when we start to discover our own bodies and when we start to have access to each other’s. For both sexes it is basic training – in mutual sex, good hand work is never superseded. A couple who can masturbate each other really skillfully can do anything else they like, and a generation that has been brought up to masturbate with enjoyment from preadolescence will have a flying start in forming some sensual attitudes. Hand work is not a “substitute” for vaginal intercourse, but something quite different, giving a different type of orgasm, and the orgasm one induces oneself is different again from orgasm induced by a partner. In the case of full intercourse, it’s a preparation – to stiffen the man, or to give the woman one or more preliminary peaks before insertion. After intercourse, it is the natural lead-in to a further round.

He needs to notice how she masturbates herself. Most men neglect the labia in favor of the
clitoris, but the whole pussy needs attention.
Clitoral rubbing can be as mind-blowing for her as
slow
masturbation is for him, but it can be painful if it’s unskillful, too hard, without
lubrication (the clitoris produces none of its own), repeated too often or straight after an orgasm achieved in this way. She says: “The main difficulty from the man’s point of view is that the ideal pressure point varies from hour to hour, so he should allow her to guide him to the right place. Most men think they know automatically, having succeeded once – they are often wrong.”

For preparation, the flat of the hand on the
vulva with the middle finger between the lips, and its tip moving in and out of the vagina, while the ball of the palm presses hard just above the pubis, is probably the best method, though few women will climax from this alone. Steady rhythm is the most important thing, taking it from her hip movements, and alternating with gentle lip stretching – then a full attack on the clitoris and its hood with the forefinger or little finger, thumb deeply in the vagina (keep nails short). For faster response, he can hold her open with one hand and work gently with all the fingers of the other (in this case, she may need to be pinned down). He needs to switch to the tongue occasionally if she gets dry, because she won’t realize until afterwards how sore she is (
see
trigger points
).

As to full-hand penetration, most women pass, while others like several fingers, not only for the feeling of fullness but also the deep intimacy it involves. He should work up to this with one digit, then two, and so on; such “
fisting” takes practice and trust.

hand work for him

hand work for him

a woman who knows how to masturbate a man – subtly, unhurriedly, and mercilessly will – almost always make a superlative partner

A woman who has
the divine gift of lechery and loves her partner will masturbate him well, and a woman who knows how to masturbate a man – subtly, unhurriedly, and mercilessly – will almost always make a superlative partner. She needs intuitive empathy and real enjoyment of a penis, holding it in just the right place, with just the right amount of pressure and movement, timing her action in bursts to coincide with his feeling – stopping or
slowing to keep him in suspense, speeding up to control his climax. Some men can’t stand really proficient
masturbation to climax unless securely tied (
see
rope work
) and virtually none can hold still for slow masturbation (
see
slow masturbation for him
).

The variation can be endless, even if she doesn’t have the choice of foreskin back, foreskin not back, which again yield two quite distinct nuances. If he isn’t circumcised, she will probably need to avoid rubbing the glans itself, except in pursuit of very special effects. Her best grip is just below the groove, with the skin back as far as it will go, and using two hands – one holding the penis steady, or fondling the
scrotum, the other making a thumb-and-first-finger ring, or a whole-hand grip. She should vary this
and, in prolonged
masturbation, change hands often. The erotic manual
Les Paradis Charnel
(1903) apparently suggests she join her hands, thumbs crossed, fingers interlaced, and make him a vagina, wetting her palms first with
saliva – an old way of ending straight intercourse without risking pregnancy, though it isn’t, of course, a safe contraceptive or protective method.

For a full orgasm, she sits comfortably on his chest or kneels astride him. During every extended sexual session, one orgasm – usually the second or third if he is lasting for that long – is well worth giving in this particular way: the French professionals who used no other method didn’t only stay in business through fear of infection. It’s well worth devoting time and effort to perfecting this technique – it fully expresses love, and can be domesticated in any bedroom.

Rolling the penis like pastry between the palms of two hands is another technique, best used for producing an erection rather than going for orgasm. For some occasions she can try to copy his own favorite method of self-masturbation. When she uses her own rhythm it can have a different and sometimes more startling effect.

mouth work for her

mouth work for her

give the woman dozens of preliminary orgasms and she will still want to go on from there

In the first half of the twentieth century,
genital kisses, or rather the taboos on them, were a king pretext for divorce on grounds of perversity, cruelty, and so on. We have come some way since then – now there are textbooks on them, and they figure in films. Personal likes and dislikes apart, most people now know that, given safety constraints (
see
safe sex
), they are one of the best things in sexual intimacy. Who goes first is clearly a matter of preference, but one can give the woman dozens of purely preliminary orgasms in this way, as many as she can take, and she will still want to go on from there, so the man had better save himself for later.

Normal genital odor is a big part of the
genital kiss for both partners, which means that the parties should wash often, but not immediately beforehand: they ought to know each other well enough to say, if it’s ever disagreeable.
Contraceptives can upset it too. The marketers of intimate
deodorants and vaginal wipes show evidence only of sexual inexperience – nobody wants peach sauce on, say, scampi. Seaweed odors or musk would be more in key. Many women are unaware of the extent to which their unique
cassolette
is their secret weapon. Some men respond intensely to this natural
scent without realizing the fact; it’s also the ideal
perfume fixative, and a touch behind the ears at a dance, in advance of, or instead of, the usual bottled perfume, can be deadly. His, by contrast, will please her more the longer she loves him. Wash regularly, and here as everywhere treat deodorants the way a chef would treat deflavorants. How the hippie generation thought you could live the good sex life without washing defies explanation.

She can kneel astride and give herself, exactly as in a passionate mouth-to-mouth kiss, brushing first, then open and deeply, while he uses long tongue strokes from the vagina to the clitoris, with an extra twitch to her glans as he reaches it each time (
see
clitoral pleasure
).

When it’s his initiative, he can do worse than try the
cascade position, if she is portable. This is really only a
soixante-neuf
standing up, but it gives her the unique sensation of an orgasm head-downwards. To get her there, he lays her faceup across the bed, head over the edge, stands astride her face, then bends over and picks her up, legs around his neck. She can return his kiss if she is acrobatic, but near orgasm she had far better slip him between her breasts or into her hand, and abandon herself to full orgasm.

The first genital kiss, to an inexperienced woman, is another scenario. Kneeling before her,
“vers le buisson ardent des femmes”,
looks fine, but one simply can’t reach to do more than nuzzle. We suggest this instead: with the woman faceup along the bed, he should sit on the edge half-facing her feet, kiss her all over, then reach over and pick up her farther leg and kiss her foot. He can then quickly slip his nearer elbow through her raised knee, open her, and kiss gently on the closed labia until she is ready for deeper and deeper tongue strokes.

Fewer and fewer women are now inhibited about being kissed, though rather more can’t get pleasure from kissing the man. A number of women can’t initially be got there at all without prolonged genital kissing, a fact that Indian love books recognize. For a very shy woman (or man), try it in the dark – but certainly try it.

mouth work for him

mouth work for him

one of the most moving gestures in the whole sexual experience

Good mouth work on her part is perhaps one of the most valued gifts a woman can give to a man, and well worth practicing to perfect technique. A spontaneous genital kiss to a man is one of the most moving gestures in the whole sexual experience.

She will probably get the best results with what the Chinese call the
“jade flute” position – an instrument that is self-explanatory, and is played in the same way as a recorder, facing him, thumbs underneath, fingers on top. Her technique depends on her man – for instance, on whether or not he is circumcised. Not all men find tongue or lip contact with the glans pleasurable. For some it’s ecstasy, while others prefer foreskin movement over the covered glans with the shaft held tight. The various sorts of nibbling and so on described in sex books come naturally to most people. One finds them out on a basis of teach and learn.

For a more active male position and a fast orgasm, she lies back – best is any position where he can face her feet so that his penis follows the natural curve of her throat – and he has
oral coitus as fully and deeply as she can stand it. This is
“deep throating” and isn’t one for a first night – it takes negotiation. She must keep her teeth well open, making him a vagina with her lips and tongue, then glide the penis back as far as she can, exhaling and finally swallowing to complete the penetration; he can then begin to thrust. He needs to keep a little control, to avoid being involuntarily bitten.