The Joy of Sex (7 page)

Breasts, vagina, and clitoris all at once make the fastest and most concentrated buildup of sensation once intercourse has begun, for some women at least. Many easily stimulated women can also experience a rather special pleasure from
suckling a baby.

nipples

nipples

a direct hotline to her most sensitive parts

She says: “Unlike a man’s nipples, a woman’s can have a direct hotline to her clitoris and vagina. A man who can dial this correctly and will only take the time can do anything. Palm-brushing, eyelash-brushing, licking, and loud sucking like a baby can work wonders; the orgasms one gets from these are mind-blowing without detracting a jot from intercourse to come after. Please take time.” He, meanwhile, can get a very special jolt from this, made more intense still if she is actually lactating; male
suckling is more of a majority interest than you might think.

On him, rather than by him, stimulation is less likely to have an effect; few men can get a nipple orgasm, but try a stiff pair of
feathers (
see
feathers
) or very gentle fingertip friction – men’s nipples easily get sore.

If the effect seems lacking, assiduous attention over time may help; try gentle circles with a toothbrush. There is no proof in the theory that
caffeine creates temporary nipple sensitivity, but it’s still worth a try. Fluctuating hormones before her period can turn sensitivity into discomfort, and if there is itching, swelling, bleeding, or discharge, get it checked out. This applies to him as well as to her.

If a partner likes pain, or to test the possibility without putting the question direct, pinch
nipples lightly, then harder (never when sore, lactating, or newly pierced). The aim is a balance of pleasure and pain; after, once pressure is released, the whole body will be achingly sensitive for hours. If this appeals, move to nipple
clamps (not clothes pegs, which aren’t adjustable); a linked pair with one on each of his and her breasts also provides a neat accompaniment to any movements that create a gentle tug. When taken off, pinch with fingers, then release slowly to allow the blood to flow back in comfortably. Limit time on such play – 15 minutes is enough.

buttocks

buttocks

a turn-on in almost equal measure for both sexes

Next in line after breasts, buttocks alternate with them as visual sex stimuli for different cultures and individuals. Actually the original primate focus, being brightly colored in most apes; apparently equally fancied by the Neanderthals, who produced some of the best Stone Age figurines.

The buttocks are a major erogenous zone in both sexes, though less sensitive than breasts because they have fewer nerves and a layer of fat, and so need stronger stimulation (holding, kneading, slapping, or even harder beating –
see
discipline
).

Intercourse from behind (
see
rear entry
) is a pleasure in itself, but be careful if she has a weak back. In any position the muscular movements of coitus stimulate the buttocks in both sexes, particularly if each holds the partner’s rear fairly tightly, one cheek in each hand. These extra sensations are well worth cultivating deliberately. Visually, good buttocks are a turn-on in almost equal measure for both sexes.

penis

penis

while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them

Not only the essential piece of
male equipment, even if it is often and expressively described as a “tool,” the penis has more symbolic importance than any other human organ, as a
dominance signal and, by reason of having a will of its own, generally a “personality.” No point in reading all this
symbolism back here, except to say that lovers will experience it, and find themselves treating the penis as something very like a third party. At one moment it’s a weapon or a threat, at another something they share, like a child. Without going into psychoanalysis or biology, it’s not a bad test of a love relationship if, while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. In any case, its texture, erectility, and so on are fascinating to both sexes, and its apparent autonomy, a little alarming.

Like the vagina, the penis collects anxieties and folklore, and is a focus for all sorts of magical manipulations. Male self-esteem and sense of identity tend to be located in it, as Samson’s energy was in his hair. If it won’t work, or worse, if she sends it up, or down, the results will be disastrous. This explains the irrational male preoccupation with penile
size. Size has absolutely nothing to do with physical serviceability in intercourse, or – since
female orgasm doesn’t depend on getting deeply into the pelvis – with capacity to satisfy a partner, though many women are turned on by the idea of a large one, and a few say that they feel more (
see
size
). If anything, thickness matters more than length. Nor has flaccid size anything to do with erect size – a penis that is large when at rest simply enlarges less with erection. There is no way of artificially “enlarging” a penis.

Nor, except in very rare cases, is a penis too big for a woman – widthwise, the vagina will take a full-term baby. If his penis, whatever its length, knocks an ovary and hurts her, he shouldn’t go in so far. A woman who says she is “too small” or “too tight” is usually making a statement about her arousal levels; she needs time, understanding, and foreplay.
Shape also varies – the glans can be blunt or conical. This matters only in that the conical shape can make receptacle-tipped
condoms uncomfortable through getting jammed in the tip.

Women who have really learned to enjoy sex are usually as fascinated by their lover’s penis, size included, as men are by women’s breasts, shape, odor, and feel, and learn to play with it fully and skillfully. Circumcised or not (
see
foreskin
), it’s a fascinating toy quite apart from its main use. There is a whole play scene connected with uncapping, stiffening, and handling it, making it pulsate or ejaculate, that is a major part of togetherness. This is equally important for the man – not only is it ego-boosting, but
good hand- and mouth work practically guarantee a good sexual partner.

Care and maintenance: if he isn’t circumcised, he will need to
retract the foreskin fully for cleaning purposes, and if it won’t retract beyond the corona all round the glans except at the front, get it seen to (correcting it involves a trifling operation with a blunt probe and doesn’t necessarily mean that he needs circumcising). If it won’t retract properly or is over-tight and gets stuck, get that attended to as well.

Slight asymmetry often develops with time – this does no harm unless it’s pronounced or painful, in which case see a doctor. On the other hand, don’t bend an erect
penis or use a position in which it could get violently bent by accident. (This usually happens with the woman on top if she is careless near orgasm, or in putting him in, and he is just short of fully stiff – keep a little control here.) It is possible, though difficult, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the shaft. This is very painful and can lead to pain or kinking on subsequent erection. The normal organ will stand up to extremely hard use, but not to these. (Avoid also silly tricks with
suction and so on –
see
inflators
.)

Sores, discharge, lumps, bumps, bleeding, and so on signal illnesses and need treatment. Even if you both have proof that you are free of all
sexually transmitted diseases – if you aren’t,
condoms are mandatory – don’t have oral intercourse with someone who has a
herpes on the mouth; you can get recurrent herpes of the penis or the vulva, which is a nuisance.

If the foreskin is dry from masturbation or long
retraction,
saliva is the recommended lubricant.
Commercial equivalents are now sold that make things more comfortable and add sensation, but steer clear of the ones that claim to slow down or speed up response; they can anesthetize or irritate him and, by association, her. If he has problems in this department, it’s best to use less “quick-fix” methods (
see
hair-trigger trouble
, and
performance
).

penis

has more symbolic importance than any other human organ

size

Preoccupation with the size of their genitals is about as common in men (it is a “
dominance signal,” like a deer’s antlers) as sensitivity about their breasts and figure is in women. That, however, is its only importance in matters sexual. The “average” penis is just over five inches overall when erect and between three and four inches round, but penises come in all sizes – larger ones may be spectacular, but no more effective except as visual stimuli. Smaller ones work equally well in most positions – and may, as only the first few inches of the vagina are sensitive, actually work better than larger examples. In any case, she will almost always report that what matters is how it’s used, not how big it is.

Non-erect size in the male is equally unimportant – some men before erection show no penile shaft at all, but extend to full size easily. The same applies to
testicle weight – it varies, as does nose or mouth size, but has little to do with function. Small genitals are usually due to active muscles in the layer beneath the skin – a cold bath will shrink the best-endowed male down to Greek-statue proportions.

Accordingly, excessive preoccupation with size is an irrational anxiety, often created by the fact that men see their own penises as small because they are seen from above and other men’s penises as large because they are seen from the front. Don’t fall for the hype on lotions, potions, stretching exercises, or
surgery – one can’t reliably and safely increase size, any more than one can increase stature. She should learn not to comment on it except favorably; he should learn not to give it a second thought. The few cases where male genitalia are really infantile occur in conjunction with major gland disturbances and are treatable but rare.