The Joy of Sex (12 page)

Most good lovers dance well together. You can do it publicly or in private, clothed or naked. Stripping one another while dancing is a sensation on its own. Don’t hurry to full intercourse – dance until his erection is unbearable and she is almost coming, brought there by rhythm and the sight and perfume of each other alone. Even then you need not stop.

Most couples can insert and continue dancing, either in each other’s arms or limbo-style, linked only by the penis, provided they are the appropriate heights. Unfortunately, this means that the woman needs to be at least as tall as the man, while as a rule she is going to be shorter. Otherwise, he has to bend his knees, which is tiring. If you can’t dance inserted, and if she is small, pick her up into one of the Hindu standing positions, legs around waist, arms around neck, and continue in this way. If she is too heavy to pick up, you can turn her and take her stooping from behind, still keeping the dance going.

Seduction, or encouragement, while dancing is a natural. In the days of formal dancing, one wished that the woman had her breasts on her back, where one could reach them, but that would have made it too easy. Gentle pressure, rhythm, sight and scent, and a knowledge of remote-control methods are all that’s needed to bring the dance on to its erotic conclusion.

femoral intercourse

Another dodge, like
clothed intercourse
, to preserve virginity, avoid pregnancy, and so on, used in past cultures that cared about virginity and had no contraceptives, or in present cultures that advise
abstinence before marriage. Comes for us under the heading of substitutes.

Used from before or behind, or in any other posture where she can press her thighs together. The penis goes between them, with the shaft between her labia but the glans well clear of the vagina, and she presses hard. Gives the woman a special set of sensations – sometimes keener than on penetration, so worth trying. Given
condoms and other forms of
birth control, and
safe sex, one need not be so rigid about technique as were our forefathers,

clothed intercourse

clothed intercourse

all the movements of straight intercourse

Not reliable as a
contraceptive or protective unless the ejaculation position is fully interfemoral; that is, with the glans well clear of the vulva, cloth or no cloth. Some people like this either as a starter or during
menstrual periods. Inclined to be “dry” and make the man sore if it goes on too long or involves starched material of the sort denim jeans are made – go gently. Many women can get a fair orgasm from it.

safe sex

We are, thankfully, past the point where
HIV is an automatic death sentence. However, in some parts of the world it still is a death sentence, and worldwide,
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are at an all-time high. This is no time to be careless.

The threats are many.
Gonorrhea and
syphilis are still with us, and the former is getting harder to eradicate because of resistant strains. Plus
herpes,
trichomoniasis,
bacterial vaginosis,
thrush,
viral
hepatitis,
crabs,
scabies, HIV of course, the
human papilloma (wart) virus, and
chlamydia. We now know that the wart virus triggers a majority of cases of
cervical cancer, while chlamydia can cause
infertility (
see
resources
). For all these reasons, here are the guidelines.

• Whatever your age, sex, or sexual experience, you could be at risk. Once it became apparent that
AIDS was not going to decimate the developed world (and despite the fact that it’s still decimating the developing world), there was an arrogant conviction that protection was optional. Wrong; each day over a million people worldwide catch an STD. Also wrong is that STDs are solely the problem of the young and sexually active, who are, in fact, often informed and careful; older lovers – freshly divorced and convinced that they and their cohort are safe – are often not.

• Risk comes from exchange of body fluids, so think about saliva, blood, urine, and feces as well as semen and vaginal fluids. Penetration is key, but a scratch or bite that breaks the skin surface is also dangerous, as is oral sex. Yes, oral sex – it’s the risk factor that everyone ignores because licking your lover through a condom seems so prissy, but
infection is more than possible, and women are particularly at risk.

• One’s main reassurances are the condom (male and female), the
dam, and the medical
glove – used for
intercourse, anal sex,
sex toys, and oral sex. Let’s not pretend latex improves lovemaking; but sometimes you simply have to do what’s needed.

• You probably know the drill, but let’s revise condom care: store away from sunlight; don’t keep past the sell-by date; use a new one for every intercourse; check for rips and tears; have the condom in place from the start to the end of sexual contact; if it splits, get
emergency contraception. Above all, follow the World War II British army motto: “Put it on before you put it in.”

• The
condom test is a good way of knowing whether you have found a decent, sensible partner. If your newly found love won’t use protection, you are in bed with a witless, irresponsible, and uncaring person.

• When your newly found love has become a long-standing and committed love, the way forward is for both of you to get tested before having unprotected sex, and then to stay faithful. Is it unromantic to suggest testing? Yes, but it’s also being realistic. Even if your partner has had only one other partner and that person has had only one other, and so on and on, you are still potentially linked with a host of unproven and unknown infections. If you love each other, testing is the best way of demonstrating that. If you don’t love each other, even less reason to take things on trust.

• With
sex toys used by non-long-term partners, slip a condom over before use, and between uses clean with antibacterial wipes or the sort of cleaning pads sold for the purpose in
sex shops.

• Check yourselves regularly for anything unusual – itching, rashes, lumps, warts, discharge, fever, swollen glands, abdominal discomfort, and bleeding or pain during sex, urination, or defecation.

• Respond to symptoms by going for a checkup immediately.
Sexual
health clinic staff really have seen it all before. Most infections, if caught early, can be treated by antibiotics; the exceptions are
herpes, some strains of
hepatitis, and the
HIV virus, which are for life (
see
resources
). If you have contracted an
STD, or have put yourself at risk of doing so, tell your current partner and seek clinical advice about whether you need to tell former ones.

• Regular medical checkups are a good idea even if you are both faithful; some STDs can lie dormant. Plus, of course, you can never be entirely certain of
fidelity.

1 To use a condom, carefully remove it from the foil packet and check it is the right way round, ready to roll down.

2 Squeeze the end of the condom between forefinger and thumb and place it over his erect penis.

3 Use your other hand to unroll the condom gently down. Keep squeezing the end between forefinger and thumb.

4 Make sure the condom is rolled down the full length of the penis.

phone sex

Not the pay-for, professional, chat-line type – which doesn’t seem to fit in a book such as this – but loving arousal between two people who know each other’s real names and real natures. The limitations – just sound, no visuals, no touch – can drive separated partners mad with frustration, but can also be its main attraction. The world goes away and all that remains is pure pleasure and two voices.

With only sound as feedback, one needs to tell more, describe fully, be ultra-clear about progress. Codes will develop that signal each one’s shifts of mood or movement; rises of volume or breathing pace when speeding up, slowing down, starting to come; favored words and phrases that trigger memories or fantasies. Create a scenario; take it in turns to tell a story; ask intimate questions and answer them; make a confession of lust or love. For her in particular, fingers, vibrator, and sound will likely do it all; if he hankers for the visuals too, get her to do it in front of a mirror and describe herself (
see
mirrors
).

Once supremely in sync, slide into control games. There is a special arousal in being directed long-distance – the other’s voice alone telling one to “stop … start … pause” while one fights the temptation to tip over. And there is a special pleasure in knowing that your lover is being aroused solely by your direction, and is doing precisely what you instruct. If in charge, keep yourself simmering too, so that when the other is on the edge, you can first give them permission to “come now,” then immediately join them in climax.

words