The Joy of Sex (16 page)

l’onanisme

l’onanisme

climaxing solo with a partner – one of the biggest gifts you can give

However much sex you have, you will probably still want simple,
own-hand masturbation – not only during periods of separation but simply when you feel like another orgasm, or feel like having a different experience of being in control of your own body. (She may also use it to ease period pain or bring an end to
menstruation.)

Originally the subject of uninhibited celebration – the
ancient Egyptians thought that their entire world had been created from the god Atum’s
masturbatory ejaculation – self-pleasuring soon began to get bad press. The critical comments began when humankind realized that
semen was
linked with
conception and the religious texts started claiming that “spilling seed” was wasteful; then eighteenth-century Swiss physician
Samuel-Auguste Tissot linked masturbation with blurred vision and fueled an enduring – and utterly erroneous – myth. Today, the hang-ups are different, but still as strong, so let’s be clear: if one masturbates it doesn’t mean one has a bad sex life and if one’s partner masturbates it doesn’t mean that he (or she) isn’t satisfied. Solo masturbation is different from couple sex, but not inferior, in the same way as
oral sex is different from intercourse; we can – perhaps even should – indulge in and enjoy both.

Whether alone or together, don’t settle into habit. One’s own preferred way will be quicker and easier, but can make for less flexibility around routes to orgasm – variety will keep all options open. So change, as a matter of habit. Shift position, grind into a pillow, use a
dildo in whatever orifice, play in the bath, experiment with a
vibrator. All these are instructions to him and to her. The Internet has a thousand more suggestions.

Loving couples don’t just accept each other’s masturbatory patterns, but welcome them as a way to learn; climaxing solo in front of a partner is one of the biggest gifts you can give. He needs to observe closely; pioneering sex researchers
Masters and
Johnson report never having seen two women do it exactly the same way. She needs to accept that his masturbatory force is focus, not aggression; if she is aroused by it rather than wary of it, that will move everything to a higher plane.

Some women feel left out or rejected if they find their partner masturbating; if you feel vibrations when he thinks you are asleep and want to get in on the act, finish him yourself at full speed, or better, start slow, then stop, tie him, and make him watch you masturbate yourself, slowly and with style, before you put him out of his misery. The unexpected sight of a woman giving herself an orgasm when he can’t move is unbearably exciting for most men. Make sure he can’t get loose. Watching each other take the last orgasm separately but together makes a great end to any session.

fighting

The occasional arguments, that all lovers experience would have nothing to do with sex if some couples weren’t directly excited by them, often without knowing it – that real
anger has erotic effects is a matter of true folklore. But let’s be clear. Neither she nor he should ever put up with real violence or anything that doesn’t stop when you say stop – this kind of behavior will continue or more usually escalate, however much the aggressor apologizes (
see
resources
). Real, spiteful violence from a partner is a common cause of death or injury. Don’t put up with it, and don’t give any second chances – leave and/or go to the police. Sadistic bullies are incurable by love.

Back to the main route. As we have several times remarked, our image of love is uptight about the elements of forcefulness that exist in normal sexuality – which makes us prone to mix erotic energy with real spite or real anger, and confuse two quite distinct things. To need some degree of energy in sex, rather than the glutinous, unphysical kind of love that the tradition propagates, is statistically pretty normal. But the way to meet this need isn’t to use fights to fuel it, but rather to learn the purposive uses of play. True, the over-gentle spouse is likely to be blocked about
aggression, and nonplussed by the demand “Now take me.” He (or she) has probably been taught not to treat a partner like that – if he is excessively over-gentle, in fact, he may be sitting on a strong need to do so. But if these things can once be talked about, you can help him (or her) learn the uses of sexual play without the need to mix it up with real day-to-day angers and frustrations that can get out of hand. If he is over-gentle, don’t needle him, teach him.

With a normally energetic partner, don’t be ashamed if you really argue (most people do), but don’t treat it as a kick, or a way of turning on a partner’s sexual arousal. Use play. Cultivate pillow talk to unblock fantasies – ask each other just short of orgasm: “What would you like to do to me, like me to do to you, now?” – “now” meaning at the
fantasy level (
see
birdsong at morning
). As nearly always with human beings, symbolisms are generally bigger kicks than over-literal enactments.

Separately, some couples get a lot of fun out of extended struggles, premeditated or impromptu – “love
wrestling” in the old tradition. (It’s maybe why same-sex wrestling – often with the addition of mud – is seen as a turn-on nowadays, and also why Sumo wrestlers are significant sex symbols in their own country.) Enthusiasts go in for elaborate handicaps: time limits, no biting or scratching, and so on. Most people find fairly robust but reasonable tussling quite enough, others play elaborate finding-fault-and-spanking games (don’t play these over real faults). Women (and men) who enjoy an extra sensation of helplessness differ whether they feel this more held down or tied up: either sex can take out quite a lot of the energy component in the actual process of working for orgasm. Once understood, none of this range of needs is scary, and can be stopped spilling out of sex into cruelty, or the normal resentments felt by any two people who live together. Actually, it tends to discharge these.

Nothing we have said excludes the
tenderness of sex. If you haven’t learned that sexual energy can be tender and tenderness forceful, you haven’t begun to play as real lovers. If you do have a real fight, make sure to end it in bed. At least it’s the best way to finish.

main courses

postures

postures

even the most accomplished musician has to practise, though in love, once learned is never forgotten

Endless time has been spent throughout history, chiefly by non-playing coaches, in describing and giving fancy names to upwards of six hundred of these – collecting them is obviously a human classificatory hobby. Most of the non-extreme postures come naturally, and few of the extreme ones merit more than a single visit out of curiosity. The only part we regret is the loss of the fancy names, Arabic, Sanskrit, or Chinese, that they have been given across cultures and down the centuries.

Most people now know the obvious ones and have learned which make for quick and slow orgasm and how to use them in series. A few people, either for symbolic or anatomical reasons, can only achieve an orgasm in one or two of them.

Inspection will indicate which of these fit special situations, such as pregnancy, disability, height differences, and so on. Only trial will indicate which work best, or at all, orgasm-wise. Couples frequently start by trying the whole lot, but nearly inevitably end up with one or two, going back to the book for special occasions.

Some of the really wild fantasies in Oriental manuscripts do have a point – the woman astride in Mughal pictures who is balancing lighted lamps on her hands, head, and shoulders or shooting at a target with a bow is only showing that she can bring the man off with her vaginal muscles alone while keeping the rest of her still (
see
pompoir
). Others are mystical or merely gymnastic. All the poses we show are practicable (and have been tried for fit, if not to orgasm) and more or less rewarding according to inclination. What we do suggest is that for any new trick you arrange a practice session in anticipation. The time to learn new figures isn’t on the ice rink or
the dance floor. The most common reason that an elaboration you both wanted – whether it’s a fancy posture or some dodge such as
bondage, which needs to be quickly and efficiently set up – disappoints is the attempt to use it in actual, excited lovemaking “from cold”, so that you mess about, lose the thread, and wish you hadn’t bothered with it or blame whoever suggested it. The usual and regrettable outcome is never to try again.

Not that rehearsal need be cold-blooded or taken out of actual lovemaking. Anticipation being good in itself, you first fantasize about it, sit down together, plan, and rehearse. Then fit the actual trial-for-size into the waiting periods between bouts – when you are both excited enough not to feel silly, but not ready to go completely: try it while waiting for the next erection. Remember, even the most accomplished musician has to practice, though in love, once learned is never forgotten. If it the works first time, you should get the erection – in that case, go where it takes you. This means that you can rehearse something new for each special occasion, mastering every movement, but quite deliberately holding back and not playing it live until the appointed time. Having held back will make for even more reward when that time arrives.

To practice things, you must try in
full erection; make the effort and try the new posture when you have one – either without movement, if you are set on waiting till later, or switching after a few strokes to something else. Of course, if it takes over, as it may, you might as well carry on, and turn practice into performance there and then.

postures

rehearse something new for each special occasion

hand work for her