The Joy of Sex (18 page)

Some women do and some don’t like the man to go all the way and ejaculate (if they love him very much, that may make all the difference, but not always). Those who don’t can easily stop just short of getting him there and shift to another foyer (between the breasts, for example), or they can compress with both hands to gain time – this needs alertness and doesn’t always work. It’s also apt to wreck his orgasm.

Others once they are used to it don’t find the experience complete unless their lover does ejaculate. Eighteenth-century doctor
John Hunter wrote: “The
semen would appear both by smell and taste to be a mawkish kind of substance: but when held in the mouth it produced a warmth similar to spices.” If the slight bitterness, rather than the whole idea, is what she dislikes, it can easily be avoided by taking him really deeply and swallowing quickly and in one go so that it doesn’t hit the tongue. (If he is truly unpalatable, he should alter his diet to include more fruit.) With experienced women we guess it’s about fifty-fifty, come or not come; in any case, you can always ask, and partners soon learn each other’s tastes.

She says: “Gagging is a perfectly natural reflex action if something large is poked down your throat; so if she does gag, it may well not be because
she hates it but because she can’t help herself. A large penis will also stretch the mouth quite a lot, so be considerate.” In this respect, pulling her head towards him without permission is one of the few almost unforgivable bedroom sins. He should always be sure to let her stay in control of the pace and depth of the kiss.

There are a minority of men who are unable to experience even the briefest of genital kisses before uncontrollably ejaculating – these should reserve it until they require a new erection, when it is a uniquely effective way of raising the dead.

clitoral pleasure

Unless you have been trapped in the jungle for the past fifty years, you are probably aware of what women have always known, experts have often denied, and sex researcher
Shere Hite clearly substantiated in the mid-twentieth century: it’s clitoral stimulation that delivers most female orgasms. For this reason, we devote a few paragraphs here to the topic.

Let’s start with the question of validity. Those (usually male) sexologists who suggest that a vaginal orgasm is a signal of a more mature sexuality are ignoring two things. First, the biology of the situation, which suggests that as penis and clitoris are equivalent – which we now know they are – it’s the clitoris one should be addressing if one wants to get the same brisk response from a woman as from a man. Second, female experience, which consistently endorses the fact that most women climax easily, quickly, and without stress from clitoral stimulation, whereas intercourse typically demands effort, concentration, and either a carefully chosen range of positions or – here we come back to square one – a clitorally targeted helping hand.

Given all this, the dedicated male player who longs to know what to do with a clitoris can do worse than refer back to his own, larger version. Movements with finger or tongue up and down the shaft, quick flicks across the tip, gentle sucking of the glans, highly targeted pressure on the “frenulum equivalent” where the hood retracts; these will all work as well for her as for him. He doesn’t need to be clever, just follow his own instincts. One caveat only; scale down for size. Where he may like rough, she will seldom want anything but gentle and lubricated, which is why tongue work is often her medium of choice.

Does intercourse ever achieve the same effect? Of course it does – the symbolism alone makes it central to the whole performance. Many women whose physiology permits get supreme climaxes this way, and those penetration positions that stretch or nudge the clitoris (
see
CAT
) are highly functional. But to solve this particular conundrum, most couples combine, choosing positions that allow hand or vibrator access – her on top or rear entry for preference (
see
upper hands
,
X position
,
rear entry
, and
bridge
).

Does intercourse alone work? Not necessarily, not always – and not if you slide a “should” or a “must” in there with it. Saying that a woman “should” climax with penetration is equivalent to saying that a man “should” climax through having his testicles pulled. Some do, some don’t, and in any case each to their own. Defining the way to orgasm for either sex is, in our opinion, a red herring.

soixante-neuf

Both of you delivering mouth work to each other at the same time is fine but has some drawbacks. It needs attention and care to give your partner your best, and consequently you can’t go berserk over it, as you can over mutual intercourse: impending orgasm, especially in the woman, just isn’t compatible with careful technique, and the man can even be bitten. Another slight but, for some men, real defect is that in
soixante-neuf
the woman is the wrong way round for tongue work on the most sensitive surface of the glans (this explains the acrobatics in some Indian temple statues, which aim to get both mutuality and a better approach for the woman). Mutual
genital kisses are wonderful, but if you are going to orgasm, it’s usually better to take turns.

For some couples, the simultaneous, sixty-nine-type kiss really does represent the ultimate in sensation. Since loss of control will be complete, he should check first that she can handle his ejaculating into her mouth. The woman-on-top position in most books is all right, especially if she combines mouth work with hand work, but it gives the man a stiff neck. Especially good is the
no-cushions position – head to tail on their sides, each with the under thigh drawn up as a cushion for the partner’s head. The man can open her widely by slipping his arm in the crook of her upper knee.

The mutual kiss can be long or short; the short is just in passing – the long can last minutes or hours according to taste and speed. Both fit nicely between rounds of intercourse, as well as acting as hors d’oeuvres or alternatively a corpse reviver.

If, on the other hand, they are going alternately, let him start, preferably in this same no-cushions position, while she does very little. Then it can be her turn; or they can go on to intercourse, putting off
fellatio until he has had one orgasm and a rest and is due for his next erection. In this way she can abandon herself, and watch her technique when she sucks him.

birth control

birth control

the manipulation involved in letting the woman put a condom on her man excites some people

The discovery that more than any other made carefree sex possible was hormonal
contraception. Before that, it was down to plugging her vagina with crocodile dung or covering his penis with a length of animal intestine – and even then anxiety made impossible the kind of extended sexual play that’s now available to everyone. As the saying went, couples sowed their wild oats on Saturday night and on Sunday prayed for crop failure. Women who have experienced the security of modern methods and discovered the play function of sex are not going to return willingly to the old insecurity. Neither are their partners.

The (justifiable) price of such freedom, however, is that for any methods apart from condoms, we now need expert guidance for prescription and usage. What follows, consequently, is not in-depth coverage – that should come from a
health professional as part of a consultation (
see
resources
) – but the Cook’s Tour for orientation purposes.

The pill is still the overall contraceptive of choice, despite its reliance on a good memory.
Hormonal injections,
implants,
patches – and all variations and combinations thereof – work in roughly the same way and with the same effect, but don’t need to be remembered daily. Injections and implants are more permanent and so she needs to know that she won’t react badly to the
hormones before going that route.
Emergency contraception can be taken up to seventy-two hours (the pill) or five days (an IUD) after sex, useful at times of contraceptive disaster; an option used not, as the myths suggest, by irresponsible teens but in reality by forty-somethings whose lives are so rushed that they forget the pill or split the condom.

Intrauterine devices (IUDs) placed at the neck of the womb allow for spontaneity; the new hormonal versions offer even greater reliability. All these methods are reversible given time; the question is whether she wants to ingest hormones – which do guard against some diseases, even if they may make others more likely. If she suffers side effects, she should consult her health professional; a different prescription is often the answer.

Diaphragms and
caps offer less efficacy, but also fewer hormones. Some women find that capping themselves before sex is off-putting; some get resistance from partners (though if it’s the only method she can use, don’t make a song and dance about it; that won’t change anything and will make her apprehensive). Either diaphragm or cap can also, handily, hold back menstrual blood if you want intercourse during her period.

The condom, male and female, has the overwhelming selling point of being the only method that offers true
safe-sex protection. Hence ignore its reputation as being the “starter” contraceptive and take full advantage; in
any but established (and tested) relationships, you are best to use them even if already using hormonal methods. The manipulation involved in letting the woman put a
condom on her man excites some people – for a real party trick she can position it with finger and thumb, then roll it down with her tongue. Some makes of knobbed or otherwise-decorated male condoms sold to vary vaginal sensation are unreliable; check the packet for quality-tested logos. They can also slow down some over-quick ejaculators. For guidelines on use,
see
safe sex
.

Vasectomy and
sterilization are the once-and-for-all contraceptive methods of choice. The male version blocks the tubes down which the sperm travel from the testes, the female version blocks the tubes through which the sperm travel to meet the egg. His operation is done under local anesthetic, hers is a much more major procedure; with both there is a slight time delay before real protection kicks in and neither guarantees any safety when it comes to infections. Plus, you can’t easily change your mind, so regard both options as irreversible, and if you are hesitating about the decision, don’t do it. However, it’s now possible to store sperm or eggs for use at a later date should circumstances change.

If religious beliefs dictate the
rhythm method (
coitus reservatus
or
“Vatican roulette”), use it carefully and accurately for any serious chance of reliability. The same, only more so, applies to withdrawal (
coitus interruptus
); by the time he is ready to climax fully, he will already have oozed more than enough sperm to make her pregnant a few thousand times over. Regard with equal terror other mythical measures: sex during her period,
douching, sneezing, urinating afterwards, and doing it standing up.

If she is unhappily pregnant, seek medical advice immediately; whether or not there is a decision to be made, it’s best to have expert support early on. In many countries, abortion is now medically a less traumatic procedure than it was, but that doesn’t necessarily make it less emotionally traumatic; get support both before and after in order to preempt any emotional kickbacks. That doesn’t just mean for her; he may be grieving too.

In most situations there is no reason not to use
contraception, so if you aren’t, it’s likely to be because of what you are feeling rather than what you are doing. This is not a scolding, but an invitation to consider that if one or both of you keep making a “mistake”, it’s not really a mistake. You want to have a baby – for someone to love, for someone to love you, to keep up with your friends, to keep hold of your partner. There is nothing bad about any of these motives, but being aware of them will mean it’s much more likely that you will make the life choices you really want to make.

his erection

A huge empowerment for him and a huge validation for her. She should always feel complimented, even when time and place don’t allow for a follow-through; the fact that the event is outside his control adds authenticity. Manhood is symbolized by it, desire measured by it; it is so powerful – and subliminally threatening – that illustrating it is often forbidden.

Functionally, it’s also fascinating. The inflow of blood turning soft tissue hard, and downwards into upwards, happens to babies in the womb and continues to happen
spontaneously, barring illness, until the end of life itself; the angle, however, shifts from an average of 10 degrees upwards from horizontal at age 20, to 25 degrees downwards at age 70. But don’t panic; there is no failure involved if it doesn’t happen “no hands. ” Equally, a spontaneous nighttime or first-thing-in-the-morning erection is no sign of dissatisfaction or infidelity, but rather automatic brain activity that has been disturbed by an alarm clock. The best thing is to use it there and then.