The Joy of Sex (22 page)

croupade

croupade

he takes her squarely from behind

Any position in which he takes her squarely from behind; that is, all rear-entry positions except those where she has one leg between his or is half-turned on her side (
see
cuissade
).

cuissade

cuissade

she lies half-turned to let him in

The half-rear entry positions, where she turns her back to him and he enters with one of her legs between his and the other more or less drawn up: in some versions, she lies half-turned on her side to let him in, still facing away (
see
croupade
).

kneeling positions

kneeling positions

for deep penetration

Any intercourse position where one kneels and the other lies back. Hers is largely Hobson’s choice, kneeling astride him on top, with her only decision being between facing towards or away. He has more options: her lying flat on the bed, feet on floor; flat on floor with legs up and feet either side of his thighs; feet on his chest; feet around his waist; feet over his shoulders and legs crossed to tighten her vagina. He can also choose whether to kneel up or kneel back on his heels; both demand a soft surface under hard knee bones, and the latter has a limited time span due to cramp – throw down a pillow and aim for five minutes maximum. You can then start to vary where her feet go. Advocates recommend this for when one wants deep penetration and
G-spot stimulation (
see
trigger points
).

seated positions

The
“pre-missionary” position – the one quite a few cultures favored before they got invaded and forced to do it man-on-top. She sits on the ground with her legs spread, he squats or kneels between them, penetrates, then pulls her towards him; variations include her lying all the way back, her sitting on his lap, or both leaning away with their weight on their hands. Particularly good where one or other partner has a disability that makes prone postures or weight-bearing difficult. The Polynesians preferred this because it makes her orgasm easier – having four hands free helps. The
Ghanaian Tallensi preferred it because if the woman wanted out, she could push the man over with a kick – which has a certain appeal. The Chinese reputedly called it “wailing monkey clasping a tree.”

If involving furniture – chair, table, car hood – make sure she can lean back against something while she wraps her legs around his waist. Vice versa, he sits on a chair and she straddles; some sex manuals suggest she then puts both ankles on his shoulders, but you would probably need to have circus training for that.

turning positions

turning positions

the challenge is to keep the connection

Any position where one or both partners switch viewpoint, or begin on top and end up underneath; the
Kama Sutra
warns these are only mastered with practice. Classics are
matrimonial
, with him then
turning to face her feet, or
upper hands
, with her then turning to present her buttocks. The challenge is to keep the connection. If simply reversing superiority, she can put her legs around his waist or intertwine both sets of calves. If one or the other is turning to face in another direction, go for deep penetration followed by careful synchronicity. To be honest, it’s usually easier to withdraw, rearrange, and then reinsert.

Viennese oyster

A woman who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, he holds her tightly around each instep with his full hand and squeezes, lying on her full-length. Don’t try to put an unsupple partner into this position – it can’t be achieved by brute force. You can get a very similar sensation – unique rocking pelvic movement – with less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and he lies on her crossed ankles with his full weight. Why “Viennese” we don’t know. Tolerable for short periods only and expect only shallow penetration. Worth trying, nevertheless.

sex for pregnancy

Those who know report that sex in the context of baby-making is a very different experience. Realizing that what you are doing aims to create a human life can focus the mind and add an extra dimension of gravitas to the situation, but doesn’t mean that the passion should be sidelined.

Which is why it’s best to avoid getting hooked on the “how.” Yes, it makes sense not to defy gravity by putting her on top or standing, and not to do something obviously stupid like douching. But there is no actual research about which positions work best, while the old wives’ tale about the pillow under the buttocks has been actively disproved. All that’s certain is that deep positions help – but which is the deepest for any one couple depends how their bits fit, and after that it’s a matter for experimentation.

So forget the mechanics. Get health checks for both, get as fit as possible, lose the
cigarettes and the
alcohol. Then relax. Ninety out of every hundred couples trying to get pregnant do so within two years (for those who don’t,
see
resources
, for help), and enjoyable lovemaking will shorten that period more than stressed, obsessive copulation where he feels like a sperm bank and she like a brood mare. If ever there is an argument for reremembering the joy of sex, it’s here.

Once pregnant, the temptation may be to back off lovemaking – he for fear of damaging her or the baby, she because she feels too nauseous to do anything but curl up and whimper. The second will resolve itself. The first – given a medical all clear – can be ignored; all kinds of orgasm are a good idea, bringing extra blood and hence nourishment to the womb and fetus.

As regards intercourse, during the first trimester she may prefer to go on top to control the depth and avoid triggering heartburn or indigestion. During the second trimester, lying on her back may cease to be a good idea, so use side or seated positions. In the last weeks, when backache can be a problem, she may want to be on all fours, taken from behind or
flanquette
.
Sex toys are fine so long as they are clean and not used forcibly – do with them anything one would do with loving hands, tongue, or penis. Anal sex should be avoided or taken with even more care and attention than usual to avoid tearing and subsequent infection.

When it comes to the
birth process, the thought of including sex may raise eyebrows, but some midwives suggest intercourse to bring on labor; once that starts, the mother-to-be can also masturbate to climax as a pain reliever. There is surely a satisfying symmetry to including the pleasure that began conception within the end result.

In the aftermath of the birth, sex may be the last thing on one’s mind. Fatigue, post-labor damage, hormone imbalance – and the whole bag of responsibility for a new small person – may mean that she identifies with the new mother who, when asked by the midwife about sexual activity, exclaimed, “You don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” However, after the medical thumbs-up, there is a great deal to be said for having sex even if one doesn’t feel like it. It’s easy to get out of the habit and, through embarrassment, postpone the day for months or years. Consider going ahead anyway, just to know it’s possible. Don’t forget to check out
contraception – it’s a myth that breast-feeding automatically ensures protection.

Be very aware of her physical – and emotional – vulnerability. To offset, try with her on top or side by side so that she is comfortable and
lubricate generously. She should tighten her buttocks to protect as he slides in – he should remain steady and let her set the pace to feel in control. If she is in pain, stop; otherwise do as much as is feasible, then celebrate. Once the habit is reestablished, trust us, it will get easier and more comfortable with time.

plateau phase

If arousal is the upwards climb from not even being aware of desire to the peak of orgasm, this is the point just short of the peak when it’s good to stop, look around, and be overwhelmed by the view.

It was sexologists
William Masters and
Virginia Johnson who coined the term “plateau phase” for the final intense stage of arousal. Climax hasn’t occurred, but it’s inevitable; that knowledge in itself is part of what pushes him in particular beyond the point of no return; she, meanwhile, needs to suspend the thinking at this point in order to topple.

It is possible to prolong and deepen the moment. This is not about spinning out the intercourse part; it’s way too late for that. But just at the point before inevitability kicks in, try stopping all movement, even suspending breath, concentrating on the sensations completely; this is unlikely to play the first time you try it, but with practice, perhaps even alone before together, it’s entirely achievable. And once you have the experience, it’s impossible to forget how completely.