The Joy of Sex (24 page)

Two words to her about
faking. Please don’t. It’s not only hard to do – few women can fake vaginal contractions and none can produce to order the telltale
sex flush on breasts and neck – but it also sets up, in a single instant, a future of self-denial within you and deceit within your relationship. The more you fake, the harder it is to unfake – and the harder it becomes to ask for what you need in order not to have to fake in the first place. In a loving relationship, it should be possible to have an orgasm only every once in a while and still be loved.

But if once in a while is less than you want, it should also be entirely possible to remedy the situation. If she can orgasm perfectly well on her own, the clear indication is that it’s about technique; this then becomes a simple matter of your both embracing the idea that what she needs in order to climax may not always be what he thinks she needs. Tell him – more important, show him.

If there is still difficulty, it’s worthwhile seeing a
health professional – some medical conditions and
medications interfere with natural response. It may also be a good idea to consult a
mental-health professional – some women’s upbringing or experience of sexual trauma leave them on such full defense alert around sexual issues that climax is almost impossible (
see
resources
). It’s always worthwhile looking at what’s happening in your relationship; why should she climax with someone she dislikes, even if that dislike is trivial and temporary?

Once again, it can’t be stressed enough – build a wide repertoire; the effective way may not be the same from day to day or even moment to moment. The old woman in the early Arabic sex manual
The Perfumed Garden
, whose advice to the unfulfilled couple was to try as many different methods as possible, was right five hundred years ago and is still right today.

bridge

A way to “bridge” the gap between climax without penetration and climax with it. Its origins are in sex therapy, but it has now proved adaptable for domestic use. In brief, she does whatever works for her, bringing penetration into the act more and more; over time, the two get linked and in the end the link may prove strong enough that the gap disappears.

Start face-to-face, both lying on your side or with her on top – the key is that she has room to reach down. She brings herself along by hand at her own pace, while he provides whatever additional extras she needs; his hand or her other hand keeps him erect, and at climax she switches to using his erect penis to rub her U-spot (
see
trigger points
). When this is doable reliably – over a dozen sessions is remarkable progress – she starts easing down onto the penis, and climaxing with it inside, he thrusting gently if her concentration allows. The final step is for her to switch at the last moment so that his thrusts take her over the edge. Practice makes perfect and success breeds success simply through breeding confidence.

However, be warned, this technique demands expenditure on time and patience on both sides; don’t get too serious about it and don’t fret if it doesn’t work for you. In this, perhaps as in no other game, never dance with a man you can’t laugh with.

CAT

CAT

the ultimate wish fulfillment of a woman climaxing to order

This has nothing to do with felines, but is an acronym for Coital Alignment Technique, one of the few ways that both partners’ glans can be stimulated at the same time by penetration alone. Highly supportive to the possibility of intercourse orgasms on both sides. Probably developed by therapist
Edward Eichel and team – though amusingly, when it became fashionable, a team of journalists from one of the world’s foremost women’s magazines allegedly claimed the credit.

He climbs on top, as in the matrimonial, but with his full weight on her; she maneuvers so that his pubic bone hits her clitoris, and as he thrusts, she tilts so that her clitoris is pulled down and then up. If that doesn’t play, hand her the control. Begin with her on top (
see
upper hands
), him lying still; she leans forward and experiments until she finds a position and movement that nudges her clitoris in the way she needs. Once found, he can join in by thrusting and, once perfected, they can roll over and into matrimonial; side-to-side can work too, but getting any other position to work is more or less impossible. Keep a regular yet gentle rocking rhythm.

She has to know what she wants and ask for it, even if it disrupts his pattern, so not good for men who insist there is one “right way.” But if he can relax and let her take over, they may get the ultimate wish fulfillment of a woman climaxing to order.

venus butterfly

Sexual pièce de résistance, originally fictional. It was invented for a plot line in a 1986 episode of
L.A. Law
as a miraculous technique to bring a woman to continuous extended orgasm, but later became an urban myth that every man wanted to know. Variously specified; the common thread is exceedingly skillful three-way stimulation the clitoris, vagina, and anus. One way might be using splayed hands with his thumb touching her clitoris, first two fingers in vagina, remaining fingers on anus; gentle opening and closing of his hands gives the “butterfly” effect. Or mouth work on her clitoris, with one or two fingers “beckoning” her
G-spot (see
trigger points
), while the other hand probes her rectum. Some commentators – including the authors of an entire book on the subject–say it works. Others say it’s physically impossible. Best to do several trial runs before a serious performance.

birdsong at morning

birdsong at morning

in mutual, let-go intercourse, make as much noise as you like

What your partner says in orgasm should never be quoted at them – it can be played back when you are both in a suitable mood, but only then. It’s the time when people are spiritually most naked.

There is a striking consistency, over ages and continents, in what we say in orgasm. Japanese, Indian, French, and English all babble about dying (“Some of them,” said sixteenth-century French historian
Abbé Brantôme, “yell out ‘I’m dying,’ but I think they enjoy that sort of death.”), about Mother (they often call for her at the crucial moment), and about religion, even if they are atheists. This is natural – orgasm is the most spiritual moment of our lives, of which all other mystical kicks are a mere translation. Men are apt to growl like bears, or utter aggressive monosyllables like “In, in, in!” The wife of the Leopard in the novel of the same name used to yell out “Gesumaria!” and there is an infinite variety of sounds short of speech.

Why these cries are so charming, it’s hard to say. The Indians classified them, compared them to bird cries, and warned how easily parrots and mynahs pick them up, with bad social vibrations when they repeat the lesson – hence no parrots in the love chamber. It’s important to learn to read them while enjoying the music, and particularly to know when “Stop” means stop and when it means “For God’s sake, go on.” This is an individual language and you need to be a sensitive field observer to learn its meaning.

Some of the “words” are common – a gasp when a touch registers right, a shuddering out-breath when you follow through. Some people talk continuously in a sort of baby whisper, or repeat four-letter words of the most unlikely kind – some you can hear several blocks away, while others still are dead silent or laugh or sob disconcertingly. Of the really noisy performers, some like to be allowed to yell, while others like to be gagged, or stuff their hair in their mouths in the style of a Japanese print (traditional Japanese houses have paper partitions). Men can be equally noisy in the run-up to orgasm, but are not usually so continuously vocal.

A naturally silent partner doesn’t mean a lack of pleasure; unsurprisingly, some people still find it hard to do what – as children – they were told not to do. If you want noise, say so early on; she in particular may feel bestial when moaning or grunting, and it will help to give permission. Equally, say so if some expressions are a turnoff; there are plenty of other options (
see
words
).

The important point is this: in mutual, let-go intercourse, make as much noise as you like. It’s curious that we need to write this down, but house and hotel designers haven’t yet realized it – they all seem to be married to noiseless, childless partners, or they would build thicker walls. Totally silent intercourse, with each partner’s hand firmly over the other’s mouth, can be fun if you simply can’t risk being overheard.

Another variation is to have two kinds of intercourse at once – straight, gentle coitus, while each partner describes some other much wilder proceeding in
fantasy, perhaps for next time. The fantasy can be as wild as you like. This is the place to experience things you can’t possibly act out, and to learn your partner’s fantasy needs. These fantasies can be heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, tender, wild, or bloodthirsty – don’t block, and don’t be afraid of your partner’s fantasy; this is a dream you are in. But be careful about recording such dreams, as they can be disturbing at the daylight level. Let them go with the release of orgasm.

Lovers who really know one another won’t be frightened or take advantage. If, however, you do find this double nakedness disturbing, set rules – practicable or happy fantasies only. Never, never refer to pillow talk in
anger later on (“I always knew you were a lesbian” and so on). This is contemptible. The only really disturbing manifestation of love music is when a partner laughs uncontrollably – some do. Don’t be uptight about this. They aren’t laughing at you.

little death

La petite mort
: some women do indeed pass right out, the “little death” of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold. One man had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with. On recovery she explained, “I’m awfully sorry, but I always do that.” By then he had called the police and the ambulance.

So there is no cause for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast, others simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimonial to a partner’s skills, but a fallacious one because they don’t depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.

Men can give a splendid impersonation of a fit and both sexes can also suffer instant and violent postorgasmic headaches; if symptoms occur regularly, get them checked out. In any case, you will soon get to know your partner’s pattern once you are past any initial shocks. In extremis, lay them flat with legs propped up, and, if they stay unconscious for several minutes, put embarassment aside and call an ambulance.

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