The Joy of Sex (25 page)

come again

not all can, but we are sure that far more could than actually do, men especially

Not all can, but we are sure that far more could than actually do, men especially. Multiple orgasm comes easily to many if not all women if they are responsive enough and care to go on, either with intercourse or hand or mouth work, after one orgasm; that is, women who definitely fall in the once-and-it’s-over category like men do are fairly rare. Some get one continuous series of orgasms with no single, big peak. Responsiveness is beyond analysis, a subtle mixture of physiology, mood, culture, upbringing, and having the man she wants. Therefore, if she can get one really intense climax, she could probably get more if she went on. The chief exceptions are those who are fragile and tire easily, or those who want to savor the period of intense relaxation after each orgasm. If she does want to go on, the trick will be to move away from her now-too-sensitive clitoris and onto a new kind of stimulation or onto other body parts – the
U-spot or urethral opening should do it (
see
trigger points
).

With men it’s more complicated because, like a flashbulb, the mechanics take time to come back into play again. (With a new partner it pays to establish this time early on – it may be shorter than you think; a great many men have been fooled by talk about sex being exhausting into a performance below what they could manage.) If he can’t, doesn’t, or is worried about it, it’s no use reasoning with him. You, madam, must take over. If you look disappointed, you will have had it for the night and possibly for keeps. Suggest some diversionary entertainment, giving him half an hour, then trying to stiffen him yourself using hand and mouth work. Bring this off neatly and you will have added a new dimension to both your lives. If your ministrations really aren’t working, however, pull back. Reassurance, not pressure, and a reminder that your orgasm is not necessarily dependent on his erection is what he needs here.

Two important points. One: immediately after a
full orgasm some men can’t stand any genital stimulation – they feel it as intense pain. If he is like this, give him a half-hour or more. Two: if he really wants penetration, quite a few women can be perfectly well penetrated with the merest half-erection if taken from behind on their side. Once started, full erection often follows.

Some men when tired get an erection that lasts indefinitely, but can’t reach orgasm. This sort, who are actually slow, not fast, responders, make sexual athletes, but if their orgasm never happens, it’s a medical issue and bears checking out (
see
his orgasm
).

Some couples, all passion spent but still wanting one more orgasm before finishing, like to lie facing and watch one another as they bring themselves to climax. This is an added experience, not a confession of defeat, and can be immensely and unexpectedly exciting (
see
l’onanisme
).

excesses

Quantitatively, in sex, these don’t exist – nature sees to that; the woman gets sore, the man can’t go on. Medical and moral old wives have spent centuries teaching that sexual overactivity is debilitating – they were never so admonitory over excessive work or excessive exercise, and rarely over excessive eating, which is one of our most dangerous hang-ups at the moment.

Sex is, in fact, the least tiring physical recreation for the amount of energy expended. If you are flat after it, suspect either your attitude towards it, or (more commonly) secondary loss of sleep. Male lovers forget that women who work or run a home or both aren’t as fresh, even though they are as willing, as the idle occupants of the old-style Ottoman seraglio. Women forget that though sex is the perfect tension relief for both sexes, preoccupation rather than physical fatigue can cause droop, especially when it goes with a wholehearted wish to perform up to and beyond Olympic standards as a matter of personal pride. Different sleep needs and sleep patterns, unrecognized and unaccommodated, can really threaten a sexual partnership. Deal with all these things by speaking out – being really in need of sleep only looks like rejection or sulking to very insecure people who can’t communicate with each other.

Sex makes some languorous to the point of sedation, while others emerge boisterously productive – in the second case, get up, produce, and let your partner sleep after a suitable interval of shared quiet and love. At night there is no sleeping pill as good as violent and shared orgasm – active lovers don’t need sleeping pills. If ever you do run yourself into the ground, there is no temporary exhaustion that a few hours’ or days’ rest won’t cure.

Contrary to some belief, plenty of sex makes better and better sex – it damps down over-fast orgasm without lowering the peaks and speeds up her response: the terrific “high” after a separation doesn’t depend on continence but on reunion. You can both masturbate daily while apart and still get it. Frequent sex also preserves function long into old
age – not only is it a habit, but hormone levels thrive on it; so, therefore, do looks, vigor, and in particular vaginal tone.
Health benefits also include reduced risk of
heart disease, an
immune-system boost, and a lower risk of
depression. What’s not to like?

One warning only: be careful if he is under the influence of the
“little blue pill” – taken to serious extremes, too much activity can lead to scarring or
priapism (
see
his erection
). And while there is no such thing as too much sex per se, there is such a thing as too much done for too many wrong reasons, with too many wrong people – sex addiction. If sex is compulsive, driven, abusive, followed by shame and pain rather than fulfillment and joy, you need professional help (see
resources
).

simultaneous orgasm

Traditional sexologists made it aspirational:
Wilhelm Reich said that it made orgasm more intense;
Kinsey suggested that it was the ultimate in couple intimacy; contemporary gynecologists hint that it’s one way to raise the chances of pregnancy – her orgasm draws up his sperm.

In reality, simultaneity usually happens more through coincidence and luck than good management. The difficulty here is the pull between concentrating on one’s own pleasure (to get you there) and concentrating on the other’s pleasure (to get them there); the balancing act can push either or both of you into “spectatoring,” cutting off from sensation. In sum, not an easy tightrope to walk.

Couples who know each other’s movements well can try focusing on the typically “slower” partner, getting them up to speed, then leaving them simmering, so to speak, while the other catches up.
Mutual hand work or
soixante-neuf
can help to get both to the edge before intercourse, and then the challenge will be to hold him back while she overcomes the classic dip at penetration and catches up with him again. The
CAT
may be your best option. Remember too that simultaneous doesn’t necessarily mean penetrative – it’s not cheating to masturbate together, nor does it preclude letting her warm up with several climaxes while he reserves his for her most reliable one.

There is an entertaining linguistic joke that the letters of “simultaneous orgasm,” when suitably rearranged, read “a single amorous must.” But it definitely isn’t a must. Most couples never achieve it, so if you haven’t, don’t give yourself a hard time.

quickies

quickies

let it strike lightning fashion, any time and almost anywhere

Short and sharp has a charm of its own, but it needs a rate of mutual turn-on and physical response in the woman, which is learned as a rule only in much longer sessions. A really good couple can manage either at will – short and sweet, or indefinitely prolonged and differently sweet. In other words, you can’t fully appreciate the virtues of the quickie without mastering the art of prolongation.

Once you have got this, the quickie is the equivalent of inspiration, and you should let it strike lightning fashion, any time and almost anywhere, from bed in the middle of the night to halfway up a spiral stair: anywhere that you are suddenly alone and the inspiration is bilateral. Not that one or the other won’t sometimes specifically ask, but the inspirational quickie is mutual; half the fun is that the preliminary communication is wordless between real lovers. The rule is never to resist this link-up if it’s at all possible – and with quickness, wit, and skill, it usually is. This means proficiency in handling sitting, standing, and other postures, as well as in making love without undressing.

The ideal
quickie position in terms of speedy climax, the nude matrimonial, will often be out. This may mean you have to do it on a chair, against a tree, in a washroom. If you have to wait and can go straight home, it will keep up to half an hour. Longer than that and it’s a new occasion. Around the house, try not to block, even if you are busy.

holding back

Building
tension to unbearable dimensions by raising, then lowering, the arousal level. Works in psychological terms by creating uncertainty and in physical terms by allowing more blood flow and so a stronger climax.

Classic arousal involves pushing ahead, keeping rhythm constant, building stimulation steadily; this is the reverse. When excitement builds, deliberately change what’s happening so that progress dips temporarily in preparation for a higher peak. Most straightforward is to vary the rhythm (change stroke or keep it regular, but slow down or speed up); stopping completely is more effective, but demands more precision. Some women who like irregularity can’t get there any other way.

This is a cooperative venture. Gaze into each other’s eyes or listen for small shifts of breathing to gauge when to slow, when to stop, when to go on. He may break off thrusting, or she can signal him to do so, and either may halt hand or tongue. A variation is to agree that whatever happens you won’t climax until permitted – or until the timer goes, or until the CD track ends. Then the tension is built from within as, together and separately, you try to surrender to the sensation without letting it overwhelm you.

Vajrayana Buddhism reputedly recommends this for both parties as a mutual path to spiritual enlightenment; it would be good to know more, but the specifics are, sadly, shrouded in secrecy. For the one-way make-’em-beg version,
see
slow masturbation
.

relaxation

It is probably the general experience, and we have been assuming here, that maximum feeling in orgasm goes with maximum muscular tension. A great many techniques –
ligottage
and so on – are designed to boost this tension. On the other hand, it is by no means universally true. The orgasm of total relaxation is rather harder to manage, largely because it can’t be boosted artificially, but is both different and, when it works, overwhelming. There are also some people, chiefly women, for whom tension seems actively to interfere with full response and too much activity seems to cause a short-circuit cut-out of arousal.

There are writings about this that suggest, for example, that tension orgasms represent fear of full release, pain, and so on. In fact, the only universal generalization about sex seems to be that no one pattern fits everyone. How far these differences between people depend on physiology is not a practically important question – some need one and some the other. Our point is that with practice most people can widen their repertoire by learning to use both tension and relaxation, and sense the needs of the moment so as to alternate them, thereby doubling their range of physical sensation and making sex still more communicative. Certainly, some tension represents fear of letting go, and some people prefer to be “forced,” voluntarily, to accept orgasms – in this case, initially at least, it’s probably sensible to make use of the responses you have. If you include this kind of reaction, however, don’t forget to try the other mode.

The straight, sleepy, non-special intercourse, on your side or in the matrimonial position, is
relaxed, but this isn’t what we mean. In going for a fully relaxed orgasm, either one partner is totally passive and the other a soloist, or both achieve a state of non-effort in which wholly automatic movements – internal, for the woman – take over. Try both kinds – it’s easier initially to work up both modes together.

Probably the best method at first is for the less-active partner in ordinary intercourse (this usually but not always means the one underneath) to try stopping all movement just as the orgasmic buildup begins and go completely limp (warn your partner first). Some people do this naturally: if you have had any relaxation training, starting by letting one finger get heavy and so on, use the same technique here.

You may find that on the first few occasions the fact of trying produces a different sort of tension, but after a few attempts, most easily stimulated people can learn to let their orgasm happen, and will find that this feels different from the equally pleasant orgasm one produces either by trying, or by struggling and postponing. Don’t postpone – don’t, in fact, be active at all. Practice the same kind of relaxation while your partner masturbates or sucks you. (For her, it may work better to try hand and mouth work first and move to intercourse only when you have mastered the relaxation approach.) The movements he or she makes will be physically the same as for “
slow masturbation
”, but the operator is looking for quite different feedback – in that “hard” version, whether the partner is tied or free, you are deliberately holding back or forcing them on, keeping just that much out of step with their reactions. In this “soft” version, you need to be a fraction ahead of those reactions so that they don’t need to move, respond, or struggle. The difference can’t be described, only felt. It may mean a quicker, steadier stimulation rhythm – no slow teasing and no sudden bursts – you are doing it and they are letting it happen.