The Joy of Sex (29 page)

The great exponents of the sort of hardware that adds texture to the penis were traditionally the Japanese. Judging from travellers’ tales, most such sex aids were used by men at the insistence of women; they must have been unusually keen to please in order to bore through the glans and fit a “sprit-sail yard,” like the Kayans, or insert pebbles under the skin of the penis itself, like the Sumatrans. In softer cultures, such devices are external – chiefly rings that fit around the coronal groove, made of
feathers (
palang unus
– Malaya), goats’ eyelids sewn back to back (Patagonia), or little hair brushes. These things are in museums, or one would wonder if somebody was putting an impertinent ethnographer on. The remarkable thing is that they should stay in place during intercourse. Nearly all are damnably uncomfortable to wear, and either pinch or trap hairs painfully.

Nowadays, while some opt for glans
piercings, we are more likely to use
textured sheaths, which come in all manner of shapes and contours, the aim being to roughen both the penis and the vaginal barrel. Some have knobs or fingers to tickle the cervix. These are supposed to help the female enjoy, but it’s rare to meet a woman who likes them.

The kind with a thick corona ring or twist seem downright painful. They also destroy the direct physical contact, which, in communicative sex, matters a lot, but they allow one to experiment. Such sexual Easter bonnets at least add novelty if you like the idea.

games

You never need an excuse for sex. But if you do, or need a push beyond the boundaries (something you have never dared try, someone you have never dared try it with), there is a great deal to be said for sex games where the must-be-obeyed rules can override internal doubts. This may be incredibly liberating or incredibly unwise – mostly it turns out to be pure fun, though not to be tried with strangers or under the influence of over-much
alcohol.

Blind man’s buff was the original one, allowing uptight Victorians to catch hold of each other; hide and seek in a large house allowed even closer contact and is still an excuse for preadolescents to fumble.
Strip poker used to be the adult equivalent, but there is now a huge commercial market in board games that aim for the same result without the cardsharp skill, from gentle romance where each is encouraged to compliment each other, to group stripping activities and more. There is a huge difference between games that encourage just talking – answering trivia questions, admitting past history – and games that lead on to actually doing it. What’s important is that before you start, you honestly discuss the possibilities.

Playing only with a lover, however edgy the game turns out to be, will almost always work and give a “framework” for new ideas that can transform future bedtime routines. Playing with friends can either deepen the friendship or bring worms out from under stones. By all means choose a diversion that pushes limits, but go nowhere near one that’s going to leave you – or worse, your beloved – remorseful or resentful in the morning.

If there is no game to hand, or you need to initiate one unexpectedly, give each player six tokens (nuts, sweets). These may then be given one at a time to a coplayer of choice in return for answering a risky question, performing a sexual dare, and so on. This can actually push the limits just as much as, and even more quickly than, the full panoply of purpose-designed board, cards, dice, and score sheets.

masks

These excite some people: if this seems odd, remember that they are the oldest human device for getting mystical as well as sexual inspiration, by making the wearer menacing, other than themselves, and “possessed” by the mask, and by altering their body
self-image through partial sensory deprivation. Sex, however, must surely be better without one’s head in a bag. Putting the woman’s panties over the man’s head, an old boudoir trick, works on quite a different basis. Masks, like corsets, were once a general fashion. Don’t, under any circumstances, fool around with plastic bags – these are dangerous because they obstruct breathing.

fetishes

Some people need these as well as, or instead of, a partner in order to reach full sexual response. Less often evident in women than in men, so far as concrete objects or routines are concerned, though women can make fetishes of such things as security, fear, and subtler nuances of setting.

Can be of all kinds – embryonic fetishes are present in almost everyone, and their satisfaction is part of the art as well as the function of love. Most of us respond better with a partner who has a particular hair color or length – such preferences are so common that the main ones are universally accepted. Particular garments come next – she is more desirable with
stockings, or with
shoes, or with earrings, whereas he looks good when suited, or
leather jacketed, and so on. Use any of these turn-on circumstances to their fullest extent.

Why we make such links is still unclear, even after decades of research. They might have been directly learned, if childhood arousal was linked with some arbitrary object that happened to be around at the time. Or they might be linked with guilt – in societies where sex is forbidden, we can be driven to focus desire on a non-sexual object. Just lately, the neuroscientists are in on the act: the part of the brain that focuses on the feet is apparently next to the one that focuses on sex; maybe shoe fetishism is just down to slippage.

All this only becomes a problem if it swamps everything and develops into a consuming anxiety (shoes only, not even women with shoes), or if it happens to be a
fantasy that turns you on and your partner off, or if the performance gets more and more complicated and anxious until a halt has to be called. Normal sexual play can meet nearly all demands of this kind if there is real communication. It will help if you both explore each other’s preferences until you really understand – then rigorously divide your attention and the focus of your play between fetish and partnership; you both need to know the place you hold in the other’s affection.

A word, in this context, about normality. Some sex behaviors are obviously odd, and restrict the range of enjoyment – like the man who could only reach orgasm by getting into a bath of cooked spaghetti. He, however, liked it that way. Nowadays, psychologists don’t usually ask “Is this normal?” but “Is this behavior (a) spoiling someone’s chances of being a full person and (b) tolerable for society?” Definitions change; behaviors that when this book was first written were considered a little weird are now included as standard in most people’s repertoires. People are much less worried now about what “normal” is and does.

“Normal” can, though, still be used as a benchmark, implying that there is something that sex ought to be. There is. It ought to be a wholly satisfying
link between two affectionate people, from which both emerge unanxious, rewarded, and ready for more. That definition includes the awareness that people differ wildly in what they need; since sex is cooperative, you can cater to one another alternately to bridge gaps. If you must talk about “normality,” any sex behavior is normal that (1) you both enjoy, (2) hurts nobody, (3) isn’t associated with anxiety, and (4) doesn’t cut down your scope. As
Jane Austen said, “One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other,” although this doesn’t mean to say that the pleasures of either half are wrong. The
Internet has dedicated
websites for any fetish you might think of, and hundreds you have never even dreamed of.

However, it’s still more than unwise to take on a partner whose sexual preferences differ from yours in major respects; eventually it will drive you apart. And don’t take on a partner with a major sex problem or compulsive ritualism in order to “cure them by love.” You won’t – though if they have your love and comprehension, life will be much easier. If you have taken on a problem of this kind – and the measure of whether it’s a problem is whether it causes anxiety and interferes with sexual joy – work it out between you without fear or recrimination, and if necessary, go to an expert (
see
resources
).

equipment

equipment

if you use extras of any sort, make sure they are at hand and don’t have to be fetched

The Austrian gymnastic professor Van Der Weck Erlen wrote a book in which, along with providing more than five hundred postures you draw lots to carry out, he advised a “sexuarium” complete with gymnastic mat and trapezes. For his sort of sex, you would need them.

The idea of a “sexuarium” with mirrors, red light, and black décor turns some people on – there are a good few 1930s palaces in Beverly Hills that have one. New lovers are more likely to opt for the exotic or for christening every room in the house: try sex from in front on the kitchen counter-top; sit her astride the washing machine set to vibrating spin cycle; place her lying up the stairs. Most couples’ preference, when passion settles, is for the bedroom, and the result needn’t be boring.

The bed is discussed elsewhere (
see
beds
). The gymnastic mat idea isn’t a bad one at all – a really thick carpet (or rug) is as good, with plenty of room to roll around. Some people favor stools for the bent-over positions, front and back. A pile of hard, square cushions is more suited for diversification. Two of the bed pillows should be hard, for use in bed – the cushions are for floor work.

The best chair for intercourse is a fully upholstered one without arms. If you want to tie each other to it, check for size and convenience – if you only want it for straight intercourse, it’s best padded all over: or have separate
chairs for each. The ordinary hotel bedroom layout is excellent for all these things, except that they don’t pick the chairs with an eye to coition.

If you want extras, these will depend on what you want to do. Acrobatic position merchants like to have a step-stool (fixed down, so it isn’t dangerous) or even a short ladder. Some people fancy a rocking chair (
see
opposite). A ceiling
mirror is fun, but expensive, and obvious if you mind that. Old-style bordels went in for all manner of stage sets, but these were either for the obsessed or once-in-a-while settings for an extra kick rather than permanencies. Nowadays, erotic furniture
websites offer everything from simple wedges that support sex positions to heavy-duty
bondage frames; much of this is designed to look like normal furniture or modern art, but can then be rearranged to be fit for purpose.

Candles are an atmospheric extra – the alternative is low atmospheric
lighting or a dimmer switch. You can also add a
camera or
video camera (
see
erotica
). If you use extras of any sort, from
cushions or
vibrators to
cameras,
lubricants, ropes, or
G-strings, make sure they are at hand and don’t have to be fetched – with
children in the house, a lockable
bedside cabinet is also a good idea. Stock this with a cloth towel or paper towels – tissues stick to the skin. But you don’t need any of these things to have superlative sex, given the right person and the right attitude.

Probably the only advantage of a really private
sex room is that you can fill it with erotic pictures without eroticizing normal guest space, and entertain Auntie without her asking what those rings in the wall are for. But a
projector works fine on any white wall or ceiling, and you would be surprised how unobservant the uninitiated can be.

Naturally, it’s exciting to set up a
fantasy place for fantasy experiences, complete with your own light show, if you have the money and the energy. What we don’t want to do here is to give the impression that you really need this – you don’t, any more than you need a dream kitchen in order to be a first-class chef. You need the bare minimum – privacy, heating, washing space, a bed, one or two ordinary furniture surfaces, genitalia that work, love, and imagination.

rocking chair

Tried by some as an indoor substitute for that classic piece of sexual gear, the swing (
see
below). Actually, it feels quite different, lacking the sudden belly-dropping acceleration – the source of the swing’s effects on women – but more like the sensation of love in a train (
see
trains, boats, planes
). It works best with an ill-made chair on a very hard, rough floor – better, an erotic rocking chair with a dozen flats or studs on each rocker, hard
cushions, and no arms. This still needs a hard, preferably stone, floor and is infernally noisy – useless for an apartment if people live below. Normally, you sit astride facing, but other positions are possible.

swings

These are one erotic extra that emphatically do work. Swinging solo can give many women an orgasm, because the acceleration produces pressure in the pelvis like nothing else.

Swings are of two sorts – those mentioned by Eastern writers are simply suspended garden-seat beds, not capable of this kind of acceleration, but giving the agreeable feelings that go with a slightly unstable surface. For him, this is like having a woman with infinite buttocks, for her it’s a swimmy sensation, devoid of the drawbacks of an over-soft mattress, since the actual surface can be firm.