The Joy of Sex (32 page)

For occasional bouts of extended pleasure with the emphasis on couple bonding, use the original Stockham approach of
slow and gentle with pauses; as you reach the plateau (
see
plateau phase
), switch to full movement and mutual orgasm, for which the woman will be fully ready.

ligottage

Bondage, or as the French call it,
ligottage
, is the gentle art of tying up your sex partner – not to overcome reluctance, but to boost orgasm. It’s one unscheduled sex technique that a lot of people find extremely exciting and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual feeling; a slow orgasm when unable to move is a mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own emotions to try it.

“Any restraint upon muscular and emotional activity generally,” wrote late-nineteenth-century doctor
Havelock Ellis, “tends to heighten the state of sexual excitement.” Men and women have always been excited anyhow by the idea of getting the better of each other, and “erotic bondage” was always a popular turn-on – every self-respecting folk heroine and most folk heroes have to be bound hand and foot periodically so they can be rescued.

Fantasies of the same sort have a big erotic literature (most of it wildly unpracticable and meant to be seen, not felt), which can act as a substitute for people who need to be able to lie back and enjoy without guilt. Most of us have traces of these needs, and like to
“dominate” each other symbolically at times, or be dominated (no offense to anyone’s sexual politics, because this need is mutual). We all, even in the mildest forms of lovemaking, take responsibility for the other’s sexual pleasure or hand over responsibility for ours; variations like this are simply extensions of the trend. Aficionados call it
“power exchange.”

Bondage games are a good starting point for exploring this arena; they take a little learning (first efforts are often painful, or come adrift, or waste an erection messing around), but with speed and skill, many unlikely people swear by them as an occasional – if only because really professional slow masturbation isn’t possible unless the subject is securely tied (
see
slow masturbation
).

Many women enjoy the helplessness and temporary exaggeration of being controlled, but bondage is an even better dodge for her to use on him: he gets the mind-blowing sensation of “becoming one enormous penis,” plus withdrawal of all performance anxiety – she gets the opportunity to be in total control of the pace and character of arousal, possibly for the first time. Part of the popularity of this kind of sexual play lies in exorcizing each partner’s fear of control by the other by turning it into a source of increased physical sensation. Each enjoys the other’s pretend fierceness. True fierceness, male or female, doesn’t fit with the enactment; dedicated players may go to the extremes of hoods, body bags, mummification, but they never act cruelly or unilaterally (
see
hazards
). One way to guarantee it all stays a game is a strict insistence on equal turns.

In fact, really skillful
bondage works like a bomb, sexually, on most non-timid males, both on the giving and the receiving end (as with any trick that involves both stimulation and symbolism, a well-tied sexual “prisoner” both looks and feels sexy) – and on a fair proportion of women once they get the idea. Eventual responders of both sexes can require a lot of gentle preparation if they are scared by the symbolism, but this kind of fantasy only frightens people whose idea of tenderness is over-tender. Some people sense the need to be “overpowered” sometimes. Others are into the domination symbol and like to be aggressors from the start.

The idea is to tie your partner hand and foot, firmly but comfortably, so that they can struggle as hard as they like without getting loose, and then bring them to orgasm (
see
rope work
). Apart from being a wild sexual sensation, it enables many people who couldn’t otherwise do so to let go to the last degree. They may yell blue murder at the critical moment, but love it (one important skill here is to distinguish the noises that mean real distress – kinked wrists, cramp, or the like – from the normal protests of ecstasy: the first mean “stop at once,” the second “for God’s sake go on and finish me off”).

Games of this sort are an occasional optional extra to all sorts of sex-play and intercourse, since the tied partner can be kissed, masturbated, ridden, or simply teased to orgasm, but they go extra well in both sexes with the unbearably sharp sensations produced by slow, skillful hand work. “Restraint” gives the receiving partner something muscular to do while remaining quite helpless to influence the march of events, or the rhythm and speed of stimulation (what psychoanalyst
Theodor Reik called the “suspense factor”), and enables the active partner to push the woman, at least, to unbearable lengths (she, when her turn comes, can drive him frantic by spinning things out).

blindfold

blindfold

waft scents, offer tastes, whisper fantasies

A deprivation tool, focusing attention on four senses because one is blocked; if you are tempted to think too much, this will neatly short-circuit the temptation. Traditionally, central to
power exchange sex (
see
ligottage
); blindfolded, you don’t know what’s about to happen and this alone can tip some women into an orgasm. Essential is trust; never blindfold without warning or negotiation, and once blindfolded never inflict an unpleasant surprise or you will ruin more than just the moment.

A light scarf or a long-haul-flight sleep mask will act as a symbolic blindfold, but for true darkness, source a thicker one from a sex shop. With a novice, keep reassuring hands-on touch and tell them what you are doing; with a non-novice, you can raise the anxiety level with extended silences and temporary withdrawal of contact. Waft scents, offer tastes, whisper fantasies. The master sensory channel, however, is touch, administered unpredictably: move silently and slowly so there are no betraying cues. Use mouth and genitals, but also
feathers,
sex toys,
ice, tingle creams. When the blindfold comes off, expect disorientation – time for close, safe embrace.

At the other extreme is deep
eye contact; in one academic experiment a randomly allocated pair of strangers who held just four minutes’ eye contact fell in love. Use your eyes not only to create a bond pre-sex, but also to hammer home the intensity during lovemaking. Keeping your eyes open during orgasm can feel almost overwhelmingly intimate.

chains

The tied-up, tinkling look – they show well on naked skin. Some women like both the coldness and the symbolism, and some men spend hours locking and unlocking them – both should try them on each other for size. Uncomfortable and only symbolically effective if you want actually to hold a partner still, but they look fierce, and some find them exciting. Bright tinkling objects turn on people as well as magpies (
see
earlobes
).

harness

Quick “restraint” system for people who can’t tie knots, who bruise with rope, or who like the look of “apparatus.” Comes in all degrees of complication and for all postures – watch out for expensive confections that are really props for soft-core porn photos. Mainstay of
fetish boutiques. Gives very tight restraint and a lot of skin pressure. Some play up the
horse symbolism.

gags

Some energetic people like to be gagged. As one lady put it, “it keeps the bubbles in the champagne.” Gagging and being gagged turns many on and the expression of erotic astonishment on the face of a well-gagged partner when they find they can only mew is irresistible to most. Apart from the symbolism and the “feeling of helplessness,” it enables the subject to yell and bite during orgasm, which helps a total cut-loose, unless you have a rhinoceros hide and live in a soundproof room. It makes prompting impossible, so that your partner’s initiatives are outside your control. Most men who are excited by this sort of game like to be silenced thoroughly. Untimid women often come to like it after a few tries if they are the biting kind or like the feeling of helplessness – others hate it and lose their orgasm; if so, don’t even try. A few like to be blindfolded as well, or instead.

It’s hard to gag anyone so they are 100 percent quiet except in movies, where a wisp of silk over the heroine’s face enables the hero to walk past without hearing her. A long piece of cloth, with several turns well between the teeth, or the
sex shop rubber ball centrally fixed in a narrow strap, is quite fierce enough. Adhesive tape will work, but is torture to take off.

The prisoner must never be made incapable of signaling if anything is wrong. Anything in the mouth must be firm, mustn’t block breathing, and must be quick-release in case the subject signals danger – from choking, feeling sick, or any other source of discomfort; best not to use at all if the subject has any condition that affects breathing. The
“stop signal” must be agreed beforehand and never abused or ignored (
see
hazards
). Penalty for illicit use, two further orgasms.

ropework

ropework

the right mix here is tough plus tender

To make
ligottage
work as a game, it obviously needs to be effective but not painful or dangerous. So technique is worth a few words, because some skill and care are called for.

On any bed with four posts you can stake a partner out, supported by one or more pillows. Extension like this inhibits orgasm in some people – many feel more with the legs open, but the wrists and elbows firmly behind the back, or by being tied to a chair, or upright to a post. The critical areas where compression boosts sex feeling are the wrists, ankles, elbows (don’t try to make them meet behind by brute force), soles of the feet, thumbs, and big toes (artful partners break off halfway to tie these last two with a leather bootlace – if you doubt this, try it). The Japanese take this further, making rope work an art form; if it appeals, surf the Internet for full instructions.

There are divergences of taste over what to use for tying. Leaving aside extremes like straitjackets, different couples use leather or rubber straps, ribbons, cloth strips, pajama cords,
bondage tape, Velcro fastenings, or thick, soft rope. Straps are easiest for those who aren’t very strong, or can’t tie reef knots; they need holes at intervals.
Handcuffs may hurt to lie on, but can be removed fastest; for safety’s sake carry them closed, and for heaven’s sake keep the keys within reach. For most couples a hank of cotton clothesline is fine. Cut it into five or six lengths of about 4 feet and a couple of about 6 feet, and use a lot of hand-tight turns. Put rope through the washing machine with softener before use.

Bondage can be played without any of the props and simply for the symbolism: instructing the unbound other to lie still and “bear” whatever you are doing can have spectacular results as they struggle to reconcile the desire to respond and the contradictory injunction. On the other hand, usually at least half the payoff in people who enjoy it (and there are many) is, for the person tied, directly physical – in struggling against restraint and in skin and muscle feeling. It also helps get over our cultural taboo on intense extragenital sensations, which belongs in the same package.

Rope marks usually go in a few hours if you have been gentle. Rope burns and bruises come from clumsy untying – don’t saw through the skin, but be quick so that the man doesn’t get stiff through being left tied after orgasm, and the woman comes down to earth lying comfortably in your arms. You can be agreeably, adequately, and symbolically fierce, whichever your sex, without being spiteful or clumsy and wrecking things (
see
hazards
).

The right mix here, as in all sex games, is tough plus
tender. If you can’t sense how tough your partner likes it, ask, then subtract at least 20 percent to allow for the difference between fact and fantasy. Given these rules, any couple who enjoys
forceful lovemaking and likes the idea could do worse than learn to make each other helpless occasionally, gently, quickly, and efficiently. This is neither weird nor frightening – just human. For the pièce de résistance that goes with bondage, namely
slow masturbation
, go to that section.