The Joy of Sex (36 page)

Do both partners of a couple have to seek help? Ideally, but not necessarily; if one alone is helped, that may well impact on the other. But it is loving good practice, when it comes to sexual problems just as much as sex itself, to hold a partner’s hand. Problem-solve together if you can – whether when reading a self-help book or seeing a counselor.

Here are some general guidelines on finding help; accessibility will vary from country to country and culture to culture.

•
Self-help books
Details of favorites follow;
see
resources
. If you are choosing your own, avoid ones that make extravagant claims, those written by authors with affiliations to commercial enterprises, and those that sound as if they will perform miracles; they won’t. A textbook on a sexual problem, or a book written by an academic, may be drier than a popularization but is likely to be more accurate.

•
Organizations
For most problems, there are corresponding national or international organizations; the best offer information, guidelines, a telephone help line, chat rooms for sufferer support, networking opportunities, advisory boards to which you can write and get personalized answers, lists of practitioners, even training courses and conferences.

Almost all reputable ones are now available on the
Internet;
see
resources
, for details. For local options, search on the name of the problem plus key words such as “symptoms … treatments.” The upside of the Web means that this will bring you instant access to all the best sites; the downside is that these may well be intermingled with the worst. To sort the sheep from the goats, remember that those affiliated to charitable rather than product-selling organizations will be more useful, as will websites for national or group schemes rather than individual practitioners.

•
Help lines
Many organizations also run help lines, and additionally there are help lines not affiliated to other organizational services. Both offer anonymous and immediate advice. Good ones will be informed about sexual problems, and happy to give information and offer short-term emotional support. However, don’t expect medical diagnosis, or in-depth or long-term
counseling. It will help, before phoning, to make a list of your symptoms or problems and any previous treatment you have had or any action you have taken.

•
Heath and medical professions
Seeing your own general practitioner is an essential first step in checking out any sexual problem, not only because the problem itself may be due to a health condition or a side effect of its treatment, but also because more difficulties than before are now helped by medical solutions. If the clinician you consult is hostile or embarrassed, change clinicians; as with all services, shop around.

•
Face-to-face support
If you have ruled out medical issues, or if you suspect that what underpins your problems is a personal hang-up or a relationship difficulty, see a counselor. Ways of tracking such down will vary, but the relevant national organization for each specific problem will often have a list of therapists, as may your general practitioner.

It’s best to phone the counselor first to check out basic issues, such as where they live and how much they charge. Then arrange an exploratory visit; once there, ask further questions regarding their experience and their working methods, and assess whether you and they get along. Training and qualifications are important, but have been proved to be less crucial for treatment success than experience and rapport with you, the client.

•
Exercises
Many counselors will ask you not only to discuss problems but also to talk through sexual issues or practice sexual techniques at home. In particular, they may ask you to masturbate alone or together; to practice
“sensate focus,” a way of relearning how to touch and be touched; to experiment with ways of managing his erection and her orgasm. Neither counselors nor physicians, however, should ever ask you to be sexual with them or in front of them, or to undress without a chaperone present. Practicing techniques is an integral part of much sexual counselling, but you should do this only so far and so fast as you are comfortable.

For all the above, from books to experts, the key is whether you feel at ease with them. If not, however qualified, lauded, or credible your sources of help, look elsewhere.

index

Figures in
italics
indicate captions

A

A-spot

adolescents
1.1
,
1.2

adrenaline

afterwards

age
1.1
,
3.1

aggression
fm02.1
,
1.1
,
1.2
,
2.1
,
4.1

Ai no Corrida
(film)

AIDS
2.1
,
4.1

alcohol
2.1
,
2.2
,
3.1
,
3.2
,
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3
,
4.4

Allende, Isabel

amyl nitrate

anal beads

anal intercourse
2.1
,
3.1

anal tension

Andersen, Hans Christian

anger
2.1
,
3.1
,
3.2
,
4.1

anneaux, les

anorgasmia

anxiety
fm02.1
,
1.1

aphrodisiacs

Aretino, Pietro:
Aretin’s Postures
prf.1

Aristotle

armpits
1.1
,
1.2
,
1.3

arnica

“arranged” marriages

Austen, Jane

axillary (armpit) intercourse
1.1
,
1.2

B

back problems
3.1
,
3.2

bacterial vaginosis

bad breath

Barbarella
(film)

Barefoot Doctor (Stephen Russell)

Basic Instinct
(film)

bathing
1.1
,
2.1
,
2.2
,
2.3

beating,
see
discipline

beds
2.1
,
2.2
,
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3

belly-to-belly breathing

ben-wa
balls
4.1
,
4.2

big toe
1.1
,
1.2
,
4.1

birdsong at morning
3.1
,
3.2

birth

birth control
2.1
,
3.1
,
3.2

bisexuality
4.1
,
4.2

bites
2.1
,
2.2

Blakoe ring

blind man’s buff

blindfolding
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3

blowing
2.1
,
2.2

boats

body image
1.1
,
4.1

body paints

bondage
1.1
,
2.1
,
3.1
,
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3
,
4.4
,
4.5
,
4.6

boots

boutons

Brantôme, Abbé

breast-feeding

breasts
1.1
,
1.2

breathing
1.1
,
2.1

bridge

burlesque
4.1
,
4.2

Burton, Sir Richard:
Anaga Ranga
(trans.)
3.1

butt plugs

buttocks
1.1
,
1.2

Byron, George Gordon, Lord:
Don Juan
2.1

C

caffeine

cameras
4.1
,
4.2

candles
4.1
,
4.2

caps

cars

Casanova, Giacomo
2.1
,
2.2

cascade position

cassolette
1.1
,
1.2
,
3.1
,
4.1
,
4.2

CAT (Coital Alignment Technique)
3.1
,
3.2
,
3.3
,
3.4

cervical cancer
1.1
,
2.1

chains

chairs
4.1
,
4.2

Chesser, Dr. Eustace:
Love Without
Fear
prf.1

Chicago, Judy:
The Dinner Party
1.1

children
fm02.1
,
2.1
,
3.1
,
4.1

Chippendale dancers

chlamydia

choreography

Christie, Julie

cigarettes

circumcision

female

male

clamps
1.1
,
4.1

clitoris
1.1
,
3.1
,
4.1

clitoral knobs

clitoral pleasure

clitoral rubbing

tickler

clothed intercourse
2.1
,
2.2

clothing
1.1
,
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3
,
4.4

“cockties”

coitus reservatus
3.1
,
4.1

come again
3.1
,
3.2

Comfort, Alex:
The Joy of Sex
prf.1
,
prf1.1

Comfort, Nicholas
prf1.1
,
ack.1

compatibility

conception

condoms,
1.1
,
1.2
,
1.3
,
1.4
,
2.1
,
2.2
,
2.3
,
2.4
,
2.5
,
2.6
,
3.1
,
3.2
,
3.3
,
3.4
,
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3

confidence

continence conjugale
(
coitus reservatus
),
4.1

contraception
prf.1
,
1.1
,
1.2
,
2.1
,
3.1
,
3.2
,
3.3

emergency
2.1
,
3.1

contraceptive pill
prf1.1
,
1.1
,
3.1

control games

corsets
4.1
,
4.2

counseling
2.1
,
4.1
,
sup.1
,
sup.2

“courtly love”

crabs

creams

Croatian intercourse

cross-dressing

croupade
3.1
,
3.2
,
3.3

cuissade
3.1
,
3.2
,
3.3
,
3.4

cummings, e. e.

cushions
4.1
,
4.2
,
4.3

cyberaffairs

D

dams

dancing
2.1
,
2.2
,
4.1

Darwin, Erasmus

“deep throating”

deep tongue kiss

deodorizing, deodorants
1.1
,
3.1

depilation