The Joy of Sex (35 page)

slow masturbation for her

make her scale another, still higher, range of peaks

The male-to-female version of the trick previously described (
see
slow masturbation for him
), usually possible only with a woman who is reliable in her orgasm, so she doesn’t mind being slowed down or speeded up. The man has three points to concentrate on – mouth, breasts, and clitoris. He should stake her out, then start as she did, with the
coup de
cassolette
, using armpit and glans, and then rub his hand over her
cassolette
and put it over her mouth, to play back her own
perfume. He needs to gauge from her sounds and movements how heavy a touch on the clitoris she can stand. He can copy the spinning-out technique and excite her by postponement or he can simply push her as far and as fast as possible. If she is a responsive subject and not frightened of the whole business, the reaction will fully test his skill in securing her. He should kneel astride, but not sit on her, nor hold her down – she should be quite helpless anyway.

Finally, and in the case of experienced lovers this will be when she is semi-conscious, he will switch to a few moments of tongue work for
lubrication, then vigorous intercourse and make her scale another, still higher, range of peaks, taking his own orgasm early on. He should know by the feel of her when to stop – this bears no relation to mewing and struggles, which reach a peak just short of climax. He should then untie her quickly, skilfully, and painlessly so that she comes back to earth lying quietly in his arms.

joy

joy

always have somewhere new to go and something new to aim for

From an evolutionary standpoint, sexual joy has a built-in sell-by date. Humans are hormonally programmed to lust until their genes have combined, then to support each other until the baby is born and self-sufficient, after which the genetic imperative becomes irrelevant. Nature sets no
erotic targets for the postpartum couple unless it’s to do it again. But surely more than this is possible. Humans are not just a collection of genes, not just a biological drive; we can feel, we can commit, we can love. Given that skill set, we can develop our potential in the sexual arena until we die.

The first step in this development is the determination never to accept mediocre. Sometimes you will both be tempted to settle for the comforting “do this, do that” sort of lovemaking that has always worked in the past and will do so again. This is fine on occasion or in the face of exhaustion, but serious lovers shouldn’t be serving up that particular dish regularly. Challenge routines – as a matter of course and as an act of love – and challenge too the belief that you “shouldn’t” or “can’t” be more sexually daring. There is no such thing as too old, too staid, or too long-term a relationship.

In this regard, sex advisors recommend toys and dressing up; facile-sounding, but there’s some truth in it. Anthropologist
Helen Fisher points out that novelty triggers similar brain centers to passion, so by introducing new sexual variations, you replicate old romantic feelings. Acting on initial determination means being regularly willing to adapt foreplay, shift position, try
games, set challenges, introduce accessories and props; always have somewhere new to go and something new to aim for. The Japanese had
shunga
,
“pillow books” of sexual erotica and fantasy, for when inspiration faded; you could do worse than keep this very book in the bedside cabinet.

Above and beyond the props, however, you need to be willing to acknowledge that you want to do new and different things. The first, imprinting experience of each other’s bodies may have been many years ago, and if you have changed over time – and all of us do – then your needs and tastes will have altered too. What turned you on two, five, or twenty years ago may no longer be what works. Admitting that to yourself and – much more scarily – admitting it to your partner takes courage, since it can stir up insecurities and resistance. But it’s essential; acknowledging new and developing desires, then meeting them for oneself and one’s partner is at the heart of all sexual development. Offering a menu of possibilities to fulfill those desires is at the heart of this book.

If there is one thing that will retain the joy of sex, it’s continuing to say to your partner, “I really want you to …,” and continuing to respond to your partner with, “Yes …”

resources

birth control

National Women’s Health Resource Center
1–877–986–9472
www.healthywomen.org
A nonprofit independent health information source for women.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA)
1–800–230-PLAN
www.plannedparenthood.org
A women’s health-care provider, educator, and advocate.

bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transsexual

The Advocate Guide to Gay Men’s Health and Wellness
, by Frank Spinelli, M.D. (New York: Alyson Books, 2008).
A comprehensive medical guide for gay men by New York City’s “hottest gay doctor.”

Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women
, by Jack Morin (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1998).
Though not gay specific, this guide includes gay-related information on having a healthy sex life.

CenterLink (formerly The National Association of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Centers)
www.lgbtcenters.org
A member-based coalition to support the development of strong, sustainable LGBT community centers.

Fenway Guide to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Health
, Harvey J. Makadon, Kenneth H. Mayer, Jennifer Potter, and Hilary Goldhammer, editors (Philadelphia: American College of Physicians, 2007).
Guidance, practical guidelines, and discussions of clinical issues pertinent to the LGBT patient and community.

Gay.com
www.gay.com
An online community for gay individuals.

Gay and Lesbian Medical Association
www.glma.org
The world’s largest and oldest association of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender health-care professionals.

GLBT National Health Center
1–888-THE-GLNH (national hotline)
1–888–246-PRIDE (national youth talk line)
www.glnh.org
Provides free and confidential telephone and e-mail peer counseling, information, and local resources for GLBT and questioning individuals.

The Gay Men’s Health Crisis
www.gmhc.org
GMHC offers an array of programs and services to thousands of men, women, and children every year.

The Network/La Red
1–617–742–4911
www.thenetworklared.org
A group that works to end abuse in lesbian, bisexual women’s, and transgender communities.

cancers–female sexual

I Am Not Breast Cancer: Women Talk Openly About Love and Sex, Hair Loss and Weight Gain, Mothers and Daughters, and Being a Woman with Breast Cancer
, by Ruth Peltason (New York: William Morrow, 2008).
Entries from eight hundred women around the world offer comfort, strength, and hope.

National Cervical Cancer Coalition
www.nccc-online.org
A coalition battling cervical cancer and HPV-related issues.

National Ovarian Cancer Coalition
www.ovarian.org
A group dedicated to offering education, support, and hope for patients and to raising awareness of ovarian cancer across the country.

Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization
1–800–221–2141
www.y-me.org
Support, information, and resources for women battling breast cancer.

cancers–male sexual

Surviving Prostate Cancer: What You Need to Know to Make Informed Decisions
, by E. Fuller Torrey (New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press Health & Wellness, 2008).
A doctor’s account of battling and surviving prostate cancer, complete with personal experience and factual material.

Testicular Cancer Information & Support
www.tc-cancer.com
Education and support for patients with testicular cancer and their families.

eating disorders

National Eating Disorders Association
800.931.2237
www.edap.org
The largest nonprofit organization in the United States working to prevent eating disorders and provide treatment referrals to those suffering from eating disorders and body-image and weight issues.

National Health Information Center
www.health.gov/nhic
NHIC offers a nationwide referral service and produces directories and resource guides.

infertility

National Infertility Network Exchange
www.nine-infertility.org
A national nonprofit organization for persons and couples with impaired fertility, and the professionals that serve them.

National Women’s Health Information Center
www.4women.gov
Information and resources on women’s health.

massage

The Art of Sensual Massage
, by Gordon Inkeles (Bayside, Calif.: Arcata Arts, 2006).
Techniques for spreading pleasure over every inch of your partner’s body.

Sexuality.org
www.sexuality.org
Includes a complete online step-by-step guide to erotic massage.

menopause

The North American Menopause Society
www.menopause.org
A group devoted to promoting women’s health and quality of life through an understanding of menopause.

The Wisdom of Menopause: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing During the Change
, 2nd edition, by Christiane Northrup (New York: Bantam Books, 2006).
Cofounder of the Women to Women health-care center Christiane Northrup’s comprehensive guide to menopausal health and well-being.

relationships

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1–800–799–7233
www.ndvh.org

Planned Parenthood Federation of America
(PPFA)
1–800–230-PLAN
www.plannedparenthood.org
A women’s health-care provider, educator,
and advocate.

The Relationship Cure
, by John Gottman (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002).
A how- to for learning to communicate in every relationship.

sex therapy

American Association of Sexuality, Educators, Counselors and Therapists
www.aasect.org
Information on finding a local sex therapist.

sexual health

Mayo Clinic
www.mayoclinic.com
A nonprofit medical practice dedicated to the diagnosis and treatment of virtually every type of complex illness.

National Women’s Health Information Center
www.4women.gov
A government agency with free health information for women.

National Women’s Health Resource Center
1–877–986–9472
www.healthywomen.org
A nonprofit independent health information source for women.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America
(PPFA)
1–800–230-PLAN
www.plannedparenthood.org
A women’s health-care provider, educator, and advocate.

The Sexual Health Network
www.sexualhealth.com
Easy access to information and resources on sexuality for men and women.

Vaginismus Awareness Network
www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org
Detailed information for women, including facts and advice and pros and cons of various treatments.

Web MD
www.webmd.com
A source for medical information and resources.

support

If a lack of joy in sex is an occasional, minor issue, there are helpful suggestions throughout the book. If it’s a serious issue, you should look further afield.

In our society there are still taboos about doing that; a problem may feel too small, too big, or too embarrassing to seek help in addressing. You should still do so – not just because there are far fewer taboos now but also because there is far more available help. Over the past fifty years, medical and
counseling treatments have improved beyond all recognition; by treating a physical condition, resolving a past trauma, increasing knowledge, improving communication, changing inaccurate attitudes, or rebuilding a failing relationship, there is a very good chance of a solution.