The Joy of Sex (33 page)

hazards

Gourmet lovemaking doesn’t necessarily mean loving to the limit, but it can. Either through wanting more, or through losing track, or through wanting more and losing track, both parties may find themselves doing things on the edge of hazardous. Hence, a
“safety code” should be observed. This is as follows:

• Start slow; negotiate in advance. If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. Never do – or have done to you – anything that undermines your self-confidence. Never mix sex with
drugs, frustration,
anger, or excess
alcohol.

• Practice
safe sex unless tested (
see
safe sex
) and always with anal play. Even if tested, avoid infections by cultivating cleanliness and following a rigorous policy of not putting body parts or
sex toys near the anus, then near or in other body orifices.

• Decide on a
“safe word,” one you don’t normally use and that can’t be confused with cries for more; “amber” for “carry on but go more slowly please,” “red” for
“stop right now.” If gagged, arrange a wordless gesture such as holding a marble that, when dropped, signals stop.

• Restrain kindly and check regularly. Nobody helpless, physically or emotionally, should be left alone, even briefly, especially facedown or in proximity to soft bedding. Don’t leave a partner tied up and go to sleep, especially if you have been drinking. Don’t keep anyone tied up longer than half an hour. All knots should be quick-release (
see
rope work
).

• Never block a partner’s airway. Nothing loose or soft, or in general other than specified, may be put into anyone’s mouth or over their face. Never tie anything around the front of anybody’s neck, even loosely or if they ask for it. All
gags should be quick-release (
see
gags
).

• Never throttle anyone, especially in orgasm. Those who treat
partial strangulation as a kick can get exactly the same sensation safely by
intercourse head-down (
see
breathing
, and
inversion
).

• Never apply force where bones, veins, or arteries are close to the surface. Test all tools on oneself first, and never apply force harder than will make a slight indentation on the skin.
Clamps should never be left on for more than fifteen minutes (
see
nipples
, and
pain
).

•
Never blow into the vagina. This can cause an air embolism and sudden death. Equally, water under pressure should never be directed forcibly into the vagina – it can go up the Fallopian tubes and do harm.

• Avoid cruelty of any sort, doing anything to someone who is really scared of the idea, or idiot tricks like hanging people up by any part of their anatomy. Do nothing that is not safe, sane, and consensual.

Considering the range of sexual experimentation, however, only manifestly idiotic experiments are dangerous. Given reasonable gentleness, sex-play is by far the safest energetic sport – one can be killed dead by a golf ball.

merkins

Vagina substitutes – traditionally a warm-water container with a rubber or plastic vagina. They now come in many pulsating varieties, offer alternative orifice options, and may even be modeled on celebrity genitals. Attached to an inflatable plastic doll or not, their utility is doubtful – there is no substitute for what they attempt to replace and, like the traditional hole in a watermelon, the only excuse for using a merkin in two-way sex is if the sight of it in use excites your partner.

dildoes

Dildoes are artificial penises of varying sophistication (some are shaped for the
G-spot, others are made from steel and can be heated or cooled). These go back to the most ancient times and have many takers – the modern ones have excellent texture. Most women don’t naturally masturbate by vaginal insertion, but since reputedly the ladies of the Turkish harem “were not suffered a radish or cucumber to their diet except it be first sliced,” some, with sexual experience, evidently do – and the sight of a woman using one is clearly a turn-on for some males. They can also provide a second penis for simultaneous use.
Harnesses or double-ended dildoes are no longer just for woman–woman relations, but allow
role-play if she wants to experience what it’s like to have a penis, or he wants to know what it’s like to be penetrated (
see
postillionage
). Choose for preferred shape and size – if he is choosing for her, he should go smaller than he thinks she will need. Men usually over-achieve here.

vibrators

vibrators

some men will climax with just a touch

Contrary to myth, not an embarrassing aid for the lonely or inexperienced, but vital for both solo and couple sex. They come in several varieties – penile, clitoral,
G-spot, anal, egg-shaped, double, handbag-sized, fingertip, cock ring, strap-on, slip-down-your-knickers, and so on – not counting the kits that transform your cell phone or music system. Some people simply don’t respond, others think vibrators desensitize or make the user dependent – but if wanted or liked, a solid relationship can surely incorporate, rather than feel threatened by,
sex toys, vibrators included.

To see if they work for you, an electric toothbrush (with unused head) can act as a nursery-slope run; useful too if one forgets to pack the vibrator. Once you know what you want, visit a
sex shop; the protocol for testing intensity and speed is against your nose or palm (
see
sex shops
). Think about what you will be using it for and choose accordingly: G-spot vibes are curved, anal are flared so they don’t disappear inside. Shape is mostly a red herring – it’s the vibration not the structure that has the effect – and while he may automatically choose penis-shaped, she usually gets more benefit from a form she can easily hold and apply. If she wants to insert the device, she should check the manufacturer’s instructions, since some aren’t suitable. Low-speed silicone is quieter, but any can be muffled by a pillow held at groin level. Some materials can cause allergies and hormone disruption; a good sex shop can advise on current developments.

Care and maintenance: the same as for any sex toy – clean before and after, add
lubrication for ease (
see
lubrication
), use a
condom if sharing with an untested friend (
see
safe sex
). Rules for use: really none – if it feels good and isn’t painful, continue to do it. Incorporate into the ritual of skin stimulation, then home in on lips, nipples, bottom cheeks, and the small of the back on either side of the spine before moving on to genitals proper.

Traditionally, the vibrator is her instrument – she can use it to show him what she needs, or to take her first orgasm solo as a warm-up. Holding the vibrator firmly against her closed labia, then opening so that it can press against her
U-spot (
see
trigger points
) and nudge against her vagina. However, the stimulation of choice with a vibrator is customarily her
clitoris; she may need to start slowly if the stimulation is too much (choose a low speed or pad with a towel), then press in more firmly just behind the head. If he is working on her, he needs to know what to do at orgasm – some women need continuing stimulation, but for many the relentlessness of the vibrator against the swollen clitoris is too much; he will need to lift off slightly (or completely, then move in quickly to take her through with his tongue).

Despite tradition, it should be added that there are just as many possibilities for him.
Testicles (gently), the underside of his penis, the perineum. In particular, the glans and the frenulum; some men will climax here with just a touch, or she can give him oral sex, flicking the frenulum with her tongue while holding the vibrator against her cheek to add extra hum. Or he can wear a ring vibrator – which fits at the base of the penis – with striking results for both players.

Combinations: one vibrator plus hand and mouth work; more than one vibrator; a multipurpose that penetrates vagina and nudges clitoris at the same time. Try an egg vibrator in her vagina with him using another on her clitoris. Vary this with anal penetration plus clitoral or glans stimulation. Work together, with him operating
vibrators in her vagina and anus, while she uses a fingertip one between her legs – or he brings himself off while she applies the vibrator (
see
postillionage
).

Remote control adds a whole new dimension, not just for public game-playing (both in a restaurant, one of you wearing the vibrator, the other holding the controls), but in the bedroom, where one of you unilaterally determines the pace; the other may need to be pinned down (
see
slow masturbation
).

A final amusing factoid. Vibrators are not an invention of the sexual revolution, but were originally developed in 1869 to enable doctors or midwives to treat “hysterical women” by allowing them clitoral climaxes. Called shoulder massagers, they were apparently the fifth electrical appliance to be introduced to the home. For medicinal purposes only, of course.

pain

Pain isn’t a sexual excitant per se. What actually happens is that once excitement starts to build,
endorphins flow, and pain awareness is reduced steadily until any strongish stimulus, even one that normally would be over-strong, adds to the buildup. This can be true elsewhere – you can lose a tooth in a sports game and not notice it until after – but with sexual excitement, the pain stimulus can actually be transformed into, or at least boost, pleasure feeling, provided it isn’t too strong.

There is a sharp point, however, at which overstimulation becomes a turnoff, not a turn-on, and if this is overstepped, the buildup collapses. Tolerance increases the closer you get to orgasm – just before climax people can take, for example, quite hard spanking – but the transformation stops as soon as orgasm occurs, so don’t continue awkward postures or hard
stimuli after this. Some people don’t transform at all. If anything you do is perceived as straight untransformed pain, it’s either too much or too early on, or you have gone on after orgasm. Learning what stimuli are pleasant as buildup and what aren’t is an art. Making sure you follow the safety rules, on the other hand, is a necessity (
see
hazards
).

If any part of normal sex actually hurts, due to soreness, internal organs getting knocked, and so on, you are being clumsy or something is wrong – in the second case, see a doctor if it lasts more than a few days. First coitus – or coitus after a period of celibacy – can be slightly painful for both parties; if they are excited enough beforehand, lubrication and the transformation effect will get most through the pain barrier, though if she is sore or bleeds at all, give time for abrasions to heal before the next round. If a medical condition or a
disability makes sex painful, experiment with positions and consider warm baths, massage, and strategically applied remedial
painkillers to get you through.

Actual
craving for pain (mental or physical) as a sex kick isn’t uncommon. Often, the idea is exciting in fantasy, but a turnoff in practice, unless the active partner is skilled enough to keep inside the limits of transformation by excitement, and the fantasy itself isn’t too extreme. Many men who have persuaded a partner to “beat them hard” because the idea sounded exciting have been put off a repeat performance. If your partner has such fantasies, keep well inside their powers of stimulus transformation and subtract a good 20 percent from the fantasy. For most people, common sense, a bit of playacting, and intelligent use of the transformation effect can more than take care of the normal fantasy range.

If you want to move outside that range, it’s outside the scope of this book; read one of the classic works on the subject such as
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
(
see
this page
) and learn the game by consulting, or pairing with, experienced players.

discipline