The Joy of Sex (31 page)

remote control

It’s an old story that you can seduce a complete novice, who has no idea what you mean, by slipping a thumb into a closed fist, or between your lips, and absent-mindedly moving it in and out, in and out. Frankly, however, most people this works on know very well what it’s all about.

The lip one works better, nail downwards in the appropriate rhythm – she will feel it where she should. She can do the same “at” him, for example in eating. Once habituated to either of these signals, most women and some men can be radio-controlled as to excitement, erection, and even orgasm – even by rubbing the
lobe of one’s ear – from several places down a table, the opposite side of a room, or the opposite box at a theater. One very humorous use of this was when the lady was dancing with someone else, who spotted what was going on in his arms and thought he was the source of the signals – which actually came from her lover, who was sitting out.

Nowadays, more literal and technological remote control, prefigured by the Pleasure Machine in
Barbarella
and the Orgasmatron in
Sleeper
, is an everyday reality:
vibrators triggered by mobile phone,
teledildonics for
Internet pleasuring, and so on. Given the distance at which some people now have to conduct relationships, it’s more than likely just the beginning.

voyeurs

Title to be kept for those who treat sex as a non-playing spectator sport. Any active player is likely to be fascinated to watch their game being played, provided the players themselves are worth watching. Real couples are doubtless worth watching – the bored, semi-erect participants in blue movies, on the other hand, seldom merit the trouble. Real human mating behavior is as interesting as that of the birds of the air and the beasts of the field, and far more instructive.

Nowadays, however, the opportunity to watch real couples in the flesh is unusual – we keep our sex behind closed shutters. Those shutters are opened now and again via
webcam coverage on “real sex”
websites, as well as sexual acts in semi-public places performed for the delectation of passers-by (termed
“dogging,” derived from the euphemism, “Just going out to walk the dog, dear”). These, though often illegal, at least contain some degree of genuine passion.

Shutters may be necessary, for the protection of individuals as well as in the interests of social comfort. But we lose a lot in this society by not being in the habit of making love in company. If we did, fewer books such as this one would need to be written.

erotica

erotica

a help in raising the level of feeling to bed point

In the first edition of this book, the equivalent section was entitled
“pornography,” and the opening sentence was “Name given to any sexual literature someone is trying to suppress.” Times have changed: what was suppressed in 1972 has now been renamed erotica and is available on the middle rather than the top shelf. The worldwide sex industry sales for 2006 were reported to be $97 billion, twice the sales of Microsoft, and targeted at both sexes.

There are still, however, some things that are unacceptable and rightly so: violent, degrading, or exploitative materials should form no part of one’s repertoire and real lovers will surely join us in condemning them. Equally objectionable is when sexual material means that one partner loses confidence, or loses attention for the other, though recent research suggests that erotica use is often a symptom of
depression, and thus may need treatment rather than divorce. When a spouse has no energy for post-work conversation then disappears and spends six hours surfing the net, what may need to be put on the table is what underlying mental problems have meant that for him (or her) surfing has become more attractive than love or life.

More positively, if used in context and with consensus, erotica strengthens the love bond. Depiction of any of the range of sex behaviors we describe helps people to visualize them, which is why this book is illustrated. Straight couples can use erotica constructively in the exact proportion that it’s well done; that is, it describes feasible, acceptable, and pleasurable activities they would enjoy, or fantasies that, though not feasible, turn them on. Many people find
sex books a real help in raising the level of feeling to bed point. She says: “Don’t see erotica as a rival but as an ally; making it part of what you do will be much more likely to proof your relationship against the danger of its taking over.”

First, however, choose your erotica. It isn’t true that only men are turned on by sexual material; it is true that women are most turned on by it if it’s written with sensitivity and an awareness of other than male feelings. Plus remember that much erotica is so idealized that it can provoke inferiority complexes on both sides; choose with an eye to self-esteem as well as arousal, or the arousal may be non-existent.

Here are some classics: the
Kama Sutra
and
The Perfumed Garden
for traditional ideas;
Nancy Friday’s
My Secret Garden
for a modern view;
Anaïs Nin’s
Delta of Venus
and
Pauline Réage’s
Story of O
for something more edgy. As for films, mainstream sensuality may actually be more effective than videoshop raunch, at least for her: Sharon Stone riding
Michael Douglas in
Basic Instinct
;
Julie Christie and Donald
Sutherland making married love in
Don’t Look Now
. You will have your own favorites.

You can, of course, create your own
erotica to express your fantasies for private use between you. If
photographing or
videoing, it will help for her (and even him) to wear makeup, and to place the lights and camera above the action for flattering angles. (It will also reassure to have just one copy of any shots, jointly held – and ritually destroyed if you part.)

Many respected writers and artists,
Rodin among them, created their own erotica, even if they didn’t publish the results – or not under their own names. It’s one way of dealing with what you can’t, or wouldn’t wish, to do in fact – a kind of accessory to dreams and play. If you can’t think what to write, begin by describing the best lovemaking session the two of you have ever had – or would liked to have had (
see
fantasy
).

sex shops

As with “pornography,” recently subject to a dramatic rehabilitation. Once viewed as immoral and hidden away in back alleys, now there is a sex shop on most main streets, and Web searching yields up two and a half million hits; selling sex products is utterly standard and none the worse for that. The best outlets offer information sheets, help lines, online support, and sex workshops, and productively supplement
sex education and therapy.

Still, use with care. If product descriptions sound too good to be true, they usually are; despite claims, there are currently no potions that increase breast or penis size and no gadgets that guarantee erection or orgasm – there were, it would be headline news. Equally, be wary of stores that buy into the most worrying kind of sexual stereotypes, suggesting that he should always be ready for sex or she should be grateful for it. Not a good ethos.

Hence, first browse online – even retail stores have Web presence – until you find a site that not only offers the products you want but also reflects the way you view lovemaking, and the way you want to be viewed as a customer. Test out by placing a phone enquiry about policy to see if you are treated courteously and efficiently.

Where a firm does have a retail store, go there, if possible together; it’s only by testing that you can really know whether something works for (both of) you. Embarrassment may seem a problem, but the salespeople have – truly – seen it all and are highly motivated to put customers at ease so that they get their commission and keep their job. If they come on too strong, simply tell them to back off; if you need advice, invite them over. Taking the time to browse, ask questions, and literally play will get much better results than a head-down, no-eye-contact dash in and out.

les anneaux

The more sensitive French term for erection
maintainers; where they work, they can effectively better intercourse by stiffening a partial erection – this is achieved by slightly blocking off the veins of the penis at its root to keep the hydraulics working.

The Chinese and Japanese bound thin leather around the whole penis, or its base, and the Japanese favored openwork tubes fitted over the whole thing – in each case, pressure at the base plus roughening of the shaft and pubic area create the effect. Modern models typically come in rubber or plastic and fit around the base of the shaft; some have a clitoris
tickler to supplement the man’s pubic bone, or extensions to stimulate testicles, perineum, or anus. You can add vibration, with or without remote control.

None of these things are surefire erection devices, and most only work at all in the absence of any impotence anxieties. One, the
Blakoe ring, goes around both penis and scrotum root (it opens and clips shut) to maintain agreeable erotic sensations and hence boost morale. Some lovers use a turn of cord instead; this can lead on to elaborate
“cockties” that compress the root, separate the testes, and hold the penis in a bent-double position, giving a sensation rather like continuous suction.

Care is needed, though. Don’t bruise the urethra by over-tightening, or leave on too long (twenty minutes is more than enough), don’t fall asleep, and don’t use at all if he has circulation or nerve problems, is diabetic, or is taking any form of anticoagulant or blood-thinning medication including aspirin. Metal rings frequently have to be removed in the emergency room when they get stuck on an erection. One owner set off an airport metal detector; he told officials it was an article of his religious faith.

inflators

Originally the medically prescribed answer of choice for erectile problems, the penis pump is still advised in cases where the
“little blue pill” and its like can’t help. Useful in that context, but as a pleasure toy sold through sex shops can hold out false promises. Ignore all claims of permanent increase in size. Plus the dangers of overuse are real, so go gently, pause often, follow instructions, and make sure the model you buy has a vacuum limiter.

Be very wary of DIY. Writers may explore the use of household appliances for sex kicks, but you should never fool about with vacuum cleaners or such. A garage tire inflator line ruptured the intestine when squirted a short distance from someone’s anus in a practical joke.
Vacuum cleaner injuries of the penis are surprisingly common and very hard to repair satisfactorily.

penis extensions

These fit or strap over the real thing. Penis
size, it can’t be repeated too often, has little to do with sexual feeling, though a big one may be emotionally stimulating in prospect (
see
size
). A large, hard extension can do actual damage, so go carefully. The most these do is to boost male morale; though, like a chest wig, one wouldn’t like to be found using one.

karezza

The
Alice Stockham treatment – going on and on and on while
controlling orgasm. The pioneering nineteenth-century gynecologist wasn’t advocating this as a cure for hair-trigger trouble, however, nor as a means of halting male climax, but to encourage lengthy lovemaking and couple tenderness. Developed to cure failing marriage and women’s inequality; he was discouraged from simply thrusting and climaxing, while both were encouraged to take long, loving pauses. The word
karezza
means “to caress.”

Not to be confused with the old Tantric–Taoist system of ejaculatory control, which held that semen was spiritual gasoline – the man should be careful to conserve it while drawing “virtue” from the woman. One ejaculation could dissipate this supposed virtue. Accordingly, a great many sexual yogic positions in which movement was difficult were designed specifically for this kind of maneuver – giving the woman several orgasms, while the man either had none or had one without ejaculating, conserved his semen, and performed what was, in fact, a meditative sexual exercise. Adept yogis also trained themselves to ejaculate internally – an unrewarding technique that deposits the semen in the bladder, whence it is passed with the urine: occasionally, the same trick appears spontaneously as a disability and is difficult to unlearn. This explains the low male-satisfaction value of many of the most elaborate Hindu positions. If you intend to use intercourse as a meditative technique, you may well want to experiment, but steer clear of blocking ejaculation entirely.

Philosophically midway between Stockham and the mystics comes the
Oneida community, which advised lengthy lovemaking along with male
continence: it also kept conceptions down, albeit not over-reliably, as semen can leak without ejaculation. There was allegedly an offbeat French priest who canvassed the same idea, as an answer to Vatican scruples over birth control, under the title of
continence conjugale
(
coitus reservatus
), but the idea failed to catch on. The method requires total control of male movement – allowing the woman internal movements only, and the man sufficient strokes to maintain erection, stopping as soon as tension mounts.