The Lunam Ceremony (Book One) (17 page)

Cassie sitting next to Dillan in the lodge, Dillan and Cassie walking back from the tower together, and Cassie sitting in the snowmobile with Ray and Dillan, coming back from the brew house. I thought he was showing her around for the benefit of her father, to convince Conall to lift the non-compete clause.

“I thought you knew,” Clio says quietly.

“What are you talking about?” I yell.

“I noticed her shadowing Dillan, but you said you knew why she was here, so I kept my opinions to myself. I told Patsy to do the same. I don’t think Leah noticed. Cassie never stays around her too long.”

“Dillan was just showing her the camp so she would convince her father to let us brew.” Even as I say this, I don’t believe it, not anymore. “Cassie is my friend; she came here to be with me.”
I was going to live vicariously through her and her through me.

Clio shakes her head. “She didn’t come here for you, Kalysia. She came for Dillan.”

It’s dark by the time Dillan returns. Clio radios me, as soon as Tripp drives out to meet his truck at the gate. Clio is the only one who knows about my meltdown today, and I plan to keep it that way.

After she left, I went back to Cassie’s. I looked for the empty bottle of wine, but it wasn’t there. Dillan isn’t that stupid, he must have tossed it in one of the dumpsters. I didn’t find the chocolates either. I found no trace that Dillan was in her cabin, except his scent. It was all over the cushions of her sofa bed. Not the mattress, just the cushions. Which means they didn’t even have time to open the bed. The thought is like fire in my veins.

I’ve had all day to think about what to say, what I would do. I even considered leaving. That doesn’t accomplish anything. Leaving Dillan would mean abandoning my family, and I would be no different than Layla. At least she had me; if I left I’d be outcast and alone. I’m bound by my duty as a pureblood and leader of this pack to stay. When it comes down to it, for all my whining about college and having my own life, I can’t leave. I don’t want to. I also don’t want to be part of some polygamist love triangle. I wish my phone worked. Layla would know what to do, how to handle Cassie. Actually, she would say I’m an idiot for bringing her here. Nobody can help me now. I need to figure this out on my own.

I hear Drake call to Dillan from their cabin. He’ll be here any minute, and I still haven’t decided if I should confront him about Cassie. I pick up the half-empty wine bottle and take it to the kitchen sink. I place it next to the empty one on the counter.

“I’m home, babe.” Dillan’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard. “You awake?” I hear him kick his boots off and hang his coat on the hook by the front door. I place my empty wine glass in the sink and then head to the bathroom.

“There you are,” he says when I walk out of the kitchen.

I keep my eyes on the floor until I enter the bathroom. I turn on the sink and begin to brush my teeth. Dillan slides up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I smell her on him. This isn’t the first time, but now I know why. Dillan senses my frigidness and pulls back. “Are you ok?”

NO!
I scream in my head.
I’m not ok, you lying cheating bastard! How could you do this to me? We were supposed to be partners, for life. You and me. Now you’ve ruined everything.

I spit out a mouthful of toothpaste and toss my toothbrush into the cup on the sink then turn off the water. “I’m fine,” I say through gritted teeth. I spin out of Dillan’s arms and walk to the bedroom. I gain nothing from accusations; I need actual proof before I can confront him. In the meantime, I will swallow my pride and smile like some helpless, lovesick beta.

“Have I done something?” Dillan stands hesitantly in the doorway to our bedroom.

Deep breath, Kalysia. You can pull this off; you’re stronger and smarter than he is.

“I’m just tired, I guess.” I unzip the fleece hoodie I’ve had on all day and sit on the bed.

Dillan crosses the room and kneels in front of me. “Are you sure you’re ok? Leah said you’ve been cooped up all day with a cold.” He presses his hand to my cheek. “Do you need the doctor?”

“No,” I snap.
Deep breath
. “I’m fine.”

Dillan doesn’t seem to notice I’m seething as he stares at me with his lying eyes. His ignorance irritates me.
Doesn’t he know me at all?
“Lie down and I’ll bring you some water.” He runs his hand along the side of my face. His eyes are full of concern, or maybe it’s guilt. I can’t tell anymore. Maybe I don’t know him either. I force a smile and scoot onto the bed. Dillan pulls the throw blanket from the bottom of the bed over my legs. It’s amazing how attentive cheaters become when they know they’re on the verge of being outed. Dillan leaves, and I look around the room. My room. I don’t want to leave this room, this cabin, or the camp. This is my home. Dillan returns with a glass of water and a strange look on his face. His eyes narrow when he looks at me. “Here.” He shoves the water in my hand and walks out.

His unexpected attitude infuriates me. I throw the blanket off my legs and charge after him. I slam the glass on the kitchen table and water splashes onto the floor. “What the hell is your problem?” My voice bounces off the walls.

I see Dillan’s arms tense through his tight-fitting thermal shirt. He spins around with an empty wine bottle in each hand. “Who was here!” He drops the bottles and they crash onto the floor then leaps across the shattered glass and grabs my arm.

“Let me go!” I try to yank free, but he is too strong, much stronger than me. “How dare you accuse
me
of being with someone else, when you’re running around behind my back with Cassie!” His grip loosens, but he doesn’t let go. “I know what’s going on, Dillan. How could you do this to me? To us?” My voice cracks. “I trusted you.” A traitorous tear runs down my cheek.

Dillan’s eyes fill with fear. “It’s not what you think.” He clears his throat. “I didn’t want any of this to happen.” His voice cracks as he struggles to maintain his composure. “I love you, Kalysia.”

I yank my arm, and this time he lets go. “How dare you say that.” I stand taller and try to meet his eyes. “You don’t know the meaning of the words.”

“And you do?” Dillan spits back. “You’ve never even told me you loved me.” His words feel like a knife in my chest. “All I have ever tried to do was make you happy, and all I wanted in return was for you to love me.”

He’s right. He has been the perfect boyfriend, partner, mate—until now. But he’s wrong about my feelings for him. I don’t express myself as easily as he can. He said I didn’t have to say the words; he could feel them.

Dillan sees the anguish in my eyes and softens his tone. “I know you care for me. But if you had a choice, would you choose me or would you choose another life?”

My eyes dart to the floor. The question isn’t fair. He knows my answer, because he would choose the same way. “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your father,” I start to say, but Dillan holds his hands up to stop me.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have a duty to my family. Neither one of us would be
here
.” He looks relieved in a way, like he’s been holding this truth in for a long time. We stand only a few feet away from each other, but we are miles apart. “I know you would rather be in a dorm writing boring English lit papers and going to frat parties.” He tries to joke, but I’m too tired to smile. “I have an idea where I would be.” His eyes drift above my head as he imagines the life he would live if we were free.

“You want to leave,” I say. The thought of him not wanting me crushes my chest. The one thing I’ve been holding on to this entire time is the fact that Dillan and I belong together. If that isn’t true, then my whole life is a lie. A juvenile fantasy that I’ve created in my head. I choke back my tears and try not to crumble to the floor.

Dillan feels my body give out and snaps back to reality. “If I had a chance to leave, one that wouldn’t disrupt the lives of people I care about, I would take it.” He looks at me with a sad expression. “But I can’t imagine any kind of life without you.” He takes both of my hands and holds them between us. “I love you, Kalysia. I know in my heart that it’s real.” His foots slips on a piece of glass and he lifts me into his arms and carries me to the living room.

He sets me down and we look towards the unlit fireplace. “What do we do now?” I pluck the threads on top of the sofa. I want to ask him if he loves Cassie, but the words are like razor cuts on my tongue. “I mean, what happens to us?”

Dillan shrugs and slowly shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that.” Dillan hesitantly steps towards me. When I don’t back away, he steps closer. He takes my hand in his and I turn to face him. “Things would be so much easier if I didn’t have feelings for you.”

His words are like a kick to the chest. He doesn’t want to care for me. He doesn’t want to love me. Because he wants her.

He’s right, things would be so much easier if we didn’t care about each other. Then maybe I could walk away. We could walk away and not look back. But I do care. About the pack, and about Dillan. I wish this was easier. If I let him take me in his arms and kiss me. I can forget about the betrayal and the epic failure that is my life. For now.

And that is what I do. I place my hand on the side of Dillan’s face, he leans into my palm and closes his eyes. I guide his mouth towards mine. The kiss full of longing and heartache. I lead Dillan to the bedroom and we make love with more emotion, more love than ever before. It isn’t even about pleasure, although feeling Dillan inside me is like perfection. I don’t want this with anyone else. I only wish Dillan felt the same.

After we’ve finished, I lie in his arms and wonder if he held Cassie this way. Did he kiss her head and tell her she was amazing?
Stop it, Kalysia.
Thoughts like that will drive me crazy. I just want to enjoy this before I’m forced to deal with what to do next.

Dillan rubs my shoulder and kisses my head. “It’s ten-thirty,” he says.

I look at the clock. “So?”

“It’s New Year’s Eve; we should go to the lodge with the others. They’re expecting us.”

He’s right, but I don’t want to leave our bed. I don’t want to face the reality of our lives. I don’t want to see Cassie. Seeing Cassie will make it real, again. Right now, I’m happy pretending Dillan and I are the same two people we were in his tent at Lunam.

“Come on.” He sits up and I fall face first into the bed. His scent lingers in the sheets, mixed with the fabric softener the betas use. I sniff deeply; the smell is strong, much stronger than the faint smell I detected on Cassie’s sofa. “Let’s go, beautiful,” Dillan says as he pulls on his boxers. He opens the dresser and takes out a clean t-shirt, pulling it on with a huge smile on his face. Is it arrogance or ignorance that allows him to pretend he isn’t breaking my heart. Doesn’t he have any remorse at all? I can’t leave this room until I know exactly what happened between them.

“Before we go, I need to know if you were with her last night.” I pull the covers over my naked body.

Dillan reaches for the thermal pants we all wear under our clothing. “Was I with who last night?” He pulls them on along with his snow pants and zips them up.

“Cassie.”

Dillan sits on the edge of the bed with a confused expression. “Why do you think I was with Cassie?”

His attempt to play dumb is beginning to piss me off. “You pulled wine and chocolate from Hopi last night,” I say. I look at his hands. I wonder if Cassie’s hands fit in them as perfectly as mine. If her body tingles at his touch.

Dillan stands quickly and looks down at me. “You think I took wine for me and Cassie?”

“And chocolate,” I say quietly.

Dillan lets out a loud laugh. “The wine was for Rusty. I was trying to butter him up.”

“Rusty? Why?”

“Because I was hoping he would agree to mate with Cassie, so I wouldn’t have to.” Dillan looks at his feet, embarrassed.

I sit up to make sure I’m hearing him correctly. “Are you saying you haven’t slept with her?”

“Of course not!” He throws his hands in the air. “I would never
cheat
on you, Kalysia. The deal my father made with Conall was that I would give him an heir to their bloodline. I never planned to go through with it. I don’t want her, I want you.”