The Lunam Ceremony (Book One) (21 page)

“You saw me phase at Lunam,” I snap.

“Other than women phasing after mating season and the occasional male phasing on a dare, it isn’t something I’ve seen very often.”

“Isn’t the whole point of our species the fact that we can phase to wolf form?”

“I mean, yeah. But we don’t actually do it. We choose human form over wolf. This is the body we live in. Being wolf is part of who we are, not what we are.”

Her philosophy is completely screwed up. Dillan said we are wolf living in human form. Wolf is what we are. “Is that what Shasta believes?” I don’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.

She just shrugs and nods her head. “I don’t make the rules. It’s just the way it is.” Cassie stands and turns on the faucet to wash her hands.

“And you never question the rules?” I sit up and pull my knees to my chest. “You just do whatever your daddy tells you to do, even if that means whoring you out to my boyfriend?”

Cassie doesn’t look at me; she keeps washing her hands. “I’m sorry. I never wanted any of this.”

“I know,” I say softly. “I shouldn’t blame you. Hell, two hours ago I was begging you to go through with it. Now, I’m just being a baby.”

“I understand. You wanted this to be on your terms, and now it’s on Lowell’s. Believe me, I get it.” Cassie turns off the water and dries her hands on a towel. “I’ve been told what’s best for me my entire life. Nobody ever asks me what I want.”

Her words start to sink in. Even I tried to tell her how to live her life. “Cassie, do you want to have a baby?”

“Yes, of course,” she says.

I bolt out of the water and grab her by the arms. Her entire body stiffens as I stand naked in front of her. “No, I mean do
you
want to be a mother? Not for your father or the pack. Is this something you want?”

Her bottom lip quivers, and she blink back tears. “Yes, more than anything.”

“Ok.” I let her go and pull a towel from the rack. “Then the plan is on.”

Cassie tries to protest but I stop her. This isn’t what I want or even Dillan, but we will benefit from it. I can set my ego, my heart, aside for one night. Knowing that Cassie will get her dream makes it easier to swallow. We can all get out of this with what we want.

I tell Cassie I’m tired and send her back to her cabin. I ask her not to tell Dillan about my phase. She promises to keep it our secret. If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that I can trust Cassie with my secrets.

Twenty minutes after Cassie leaves, Dillan shows up with a bottle of whiskey. He sits on the sofa in front of the fireplace, and I join him. He offers me the bottle, and I decline.

“I forgot you drown your worries in wine,” he smirks. “I’m leaving.” His voice is absolute. “I never wanted this anyway.” He takes a pull on the bottle and stares into the fire. He’s in pain. I can help relieve him. If I tell him the plan I concocted today, before Lowell threatened him, maybe he’ll see the positive in all this.

“We can both leave.” I rest my hand on his leg. “If you take his deal, we can leave together.”

Dillan shakes his head. “No, I won’t put you through that. And I won’t ask you to leave with me when I have nothing to offer you. No way to care for you.”

“What is this, the nineteen-fifties?” I stand up and stare Dillan down. “I don’t need you to take care of me. If we’re together, it’s because we love each other, not because I need someone to pay my rent.”

Dillan takes another pull on the bottle. “And the baby?” He chokes on the last part.

“It’s one night, one child, and we will be free. We can move far away from here and live a normal life. You can surf.” He raises his eyebrows a bit when I mention surfing. “I’ve never even seen the ocean.” I drop to my knees in front of him. “You can show me everything I’ve missed.” I kneel between his legs and kiss his whiskey tainted lips. “Nothing will change between us.”

Dillan looks at me skeptically. “You can walk away from your duty to your parents?”

I think about Layla. What she sacrificed for me and wonder if she meant it when she said my happiness is all that matters. I have to believe she wants what is best for me. If that’s a lie, then there is no reason for me to be here anyway. “Yes, I can.”

Over the next two weeks, things start to feel normal again. We talk openly about when the consummation will take place. I said the first night would be best, better to get it over with. But Cassie believes they should wait until the third or fourth night. The mating season starts on the first full moon in January and lasts about five days. All children conceived during this time will be born under the harvest moon, between September and October. Dillan and Cassie’s baby, as well as Leah and Drake’s, will be pureblood alphas. They will be leaders one day, just like their parents and grandparents. Monte still has Leah to carry his line. Layla’s bloodline will end with me. Sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty about that. She’ll get over it. She’s with Monte now, she doesn’t need me. Nobody stopped her from leaving to do what she wanted, and nobody is going to stop me.

Dillan comes in just as I finish getting dressed. “One of these days, I’m going to walk in here and you’re going to be waiting for me, naked.” Dillan lifts me into his arms and kisses my neck.

“Today is not that day.” I kiss the top of his head. He smells like the brew house. “How is it going?” Dillan is training Ray and Tripp so they can take over as brew master after we leave.

“We had to toss out an entire batch today because Ray forgot to turn the heat down.” Dillan sets me down and runs his hand over his face. “I just hope one of them catch on soon. We only have ten months.”

We decided to leave right after the baby is born. Once Cassie produces the heir, Dillan is released from his duty. Since I am not giving the pack an heir, I’ll relinquish my place in the pack. I can leave with Dillan’s permission, which I have, but I won’t get a dime from the pack. I don’t want to live off of Dillan, but I don’t have a choice right now. I just want to enjoy being free. I have a list of places we’re going to visit. Dillan wants to find Othello; he thinks he may be living in Santa Cruz. So that is our first stop. After that, he wants to take me to Australia. He’s never been, so it’ll be a first for us both.

I unzip Dillan’s pants and pull him on top of me. He jerks at my force and laughs. “Have you been working out?”

My new muscles have been from running on all fours, but I don’t dare tell him that. As far as Dillan knows, I haven’t phased since Lunam. We aren’t the only animals out here; Dillan wouldn’t approve of me running in the woods alone. After we leave here I hope I can convince Dillan to phase with me. I dream about running through deserts and along beaches in wolf form. I know he’ll love it, too.

I squirm underneath him and flip onto my stomach. Dillan lets out a low growl as he tears at his clothes and yanks my jeans down. When he takes me from behind, I scream out in pleasure. Dillan doesn’t slow down when he nears climax, he charges forward and explodes louder and harder than I’ve ever felt. Sometimes the quick ones are the best.

I pull up my jeans and turn over. Dillan collapses on the bed with his pants still down around his ankles. “That was fucking awesome.” He reaches out for me, and I offer him my hand. He pulls me to him. “I love you.” His words cause little jolts of pain in my chest. I know he loves me and I love him, but knowing that he will share this same experience with Cassie in a few days taints them a little. Dillan senses my despair. “You’re still ok with this, right?”

“Of course.” I scoot off the bed and pull my hair into a ponytail. “It’s just one night.” I twist the band around my fingers. It snaps and shoots across the room.

“Whoa!” Dillan covers himself. “You trying to maim me?”

“I don’t want to hurt your junk. Then you can’t knock up my best friend.” I turn and leave the room to get another hair tie. Dillan doesn’t like when I tease him. He is treating it like a business transaction. Just a quickie and he’s out. Not a good quickie. I’m looking at it from a different perspective. It’s like Dillan is helping her build a bookshelf. He shows up, bangs some nails, and leaves. A friend doing a friend a favor. He’s worried about how he will feel after. He isn’t sure he can live with the guilt. I’ve told him a hundred times; he will have the rest of our lives to make it up to me.

At dinner, I feel the anxiety in the room. Clio has been keeping a close watch on the moon cycle. She says it isn’t an exact science, and since we still have no internet access, she can’t confirm it. If her calculations are correct, we are twenty-four hours away from the full moon. The fact that Cassie wants to wait a few days seems like a better idea.

I decided not to keep the arrangement a secret. The more people that know, the less doubt Conall and Lowell will have about who fathered Cassie’s baby. Leah was livid when she heard my plan. She thought Dillan was pulling a rule seventy-five and would have Cassie and me both, the way Monte did with our mothers. When I told her I wasn’t having a child, her head almost exploded. Until she realized that her child would carry on our blood line and be Monte’s heir. She suddenly became a lot more understanding, but still shoots daggers at Cassie whenever they cross paths.

Dillan and I have chosen not to tell anyone we are leaving the pack. Only Cassie and Rusty know about the deal Dillan has with Lowell. It’s going to break my heart to leave everyone; I really do consider them family. But there is no way I can stay after the baby is born.

“We just don’t have enough drivers to make the deliveries.” Drake looks tired. He’s been trying to coordinate all the deliveries Lowell set up for us. “If Ray and Tripp split their routes and pull all-nighters, we are only one driver short for the Tahoe-Truckee run. It’s the easiest run as far as distance, but the weather is unpredictable, and none of the guys want to be stuck out there. If we don’t come up with a solution soon, I’ll have to go. Leah’s going to kill me.”

None of the men want to be gone during the full moon. Unlike me and Dillan, the rest of the camp is looking forward to mating season. Dillan doesn’t want to force anyone to go and miss their chance to conceive, but he can’t leave camp until Ray or Tripp learn how to brew. “I’ll go,” I tell the table. “It’s an easy run, I can do it in one day.”

Dillan huffs and takes a drink from his beer bottle.

“It’s not a terrible idea,” Drake starts to agree, but Dillan slams his bottle on the table and he shuts up.

“There is no way you’re going out on your own.” Dillan stands with his plate and heads back for seconds. All of the men have been eating like horses. It’s a full moon thing. Their bodies crave nourishment. Watching Dillan blindly prepare to be with Cassie hurts, a lot. I shake my head at Drake to drop it. This isn’t an argument he needs to be part of. This is between Dillan and me.

Clio bursts into the room with a smile worthy of a gum commercial. “I was wrong!” she announces. “I got my mother’s almanac in the mail today. It confirms, the season started this morning.” She waves the yellow book in the air. The couples in the room spring from their seats in celebration.

I look to Dillan and find his sad eyes looking back. This is killing him. I have to keep a positive face. I need to stay strong for him. I force a smile and bring my plate to the kitchen. Leah follows me in, barely able to contain herself.

“You know our deal? I don’t pester you about Cassie and you give me Drake.” Leah places a stack of dishes into the sink. Tonight is her night to clean up. She turns on the water and hastily pulls the rubber gloves from the shelf.