As I was saying Mary Maxworthing when she had her baby in her had not then in her any despairing feeling but she had in her a troubled impatient nervous being. As I was saying, in their first living together she had for Mabel Linker almost an idolising feeling. She would write when she sat idling, “angel Mabel, Mabel is an angel", and this showed her feeling. She never thought anything about Mabel's feeling. Mabel was everything she wanted and that was enough for her feeling, besides it was almost impossible to know what Mabel had inside her. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had gayety but never any wildness or recklessness in living. She had gayety in living, she had in her very little anxious being, she had in her always impatient being, she had some sensitive bottom enough to give with her gayety some attractive sweetness to her. Her gayety and her impatient being and what there was in her of attraction gave her some quality of domination, not so much as there was in her impatient being and interfering. She was then a pleasant enough person all through her living, she was a pleasant enough person with some quality of attraction. She was reasonably honest and conscientious in her living. In the beginning then she had for Mabel Linker an idolising feeling. When she was sitting idling she would often be writing, “Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel”. She had for her this feeling, all through the beginning of their first undertaking. Then they had trouble living together, Mary was very interfering, she had a sense for fashion and she had given all the money they had for their beginning and Mabel never had in her any impatient being and she could endure a good deal of directing, but when they were not succeeding they began to have trouble between them. Not that Mabel said much or did much to show any changing in feeling but Mary felt that Mabel had not enough grateful feeling. Mabel never did have grateful feeling, after all she did the dress-making, after all she never thought much about Mary and her feeling, after all she was always willing, after all she never really heard very much of what Mary was always saying.
Mary Maxworthing had a certain gayety in living, she had ambition, she had impatient feeling. She had a certain power of domination, but not as much as she had impatient feeling which made her interfering and in a certain degree nagging. She had just enough domination to keep her from being too irritating.
Mary Maxworthing never had in her any grateful feeling to Mabel Linker for taking care of her, for doing all any one could do for her, while she was having her trouble with a baby. Mary was not like Mabel, she knew people should be grateful, she could have injured feeling in her. It was a little queer that she never felt that Mabel Linker had been good to her, that she should have any grateful feeling toward her; perhaps it was because then she had so much impatient being in her and impatient being was the stupid being of her, perhaps it was because Mabel Linker had never any feeling in her of doing anything for her. Mary told her to do something and Mabel did it for her, there was no anxious feeling in Mabel Linker ever; there was never any tenderness in her, Mary Maxworthing then had never any grateful feeling to her in her.
The idolising feeling in Mary Maxworthing for Mabel Linker did not change into something else in her. It just died out of her. Later when Mabel had gone away from her and was married Mary wanted to begin again with her but always again, when she got used to her, she had no strong feeling about her, she never had for her at any time, later, an idolising feeling, but she always wanted her more than Mabel wanted her. But Mabel really only needed the man who married her, Mabel never wanted anything else to come to her. Later with her husband to urge her she got to have more feeling for a future, she wanted then for him and for herself too then success in dress-making. She and Mary came together then. Mary had some money then and they began again in that part of Gossols where rich people were living.
Mary Maxworthing had then, when she had the baby in her, nervous impatient being, she had no feeling in her about Mabel Linker or any other person near her, the idolising feeling she had had for Mabel died out of her when freedom and distinction did not come to her, not that she had liked Mabel because Mabel could possibly help her to a future, not at all, but when Mabel was always with her, when Mary was not stirred up with planning for the future, when gayety was a little dead in her, when impatient feeling was in her, she had not any stimulation to have idolising feeling for Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing then had for Mabel, as for every one around her then, no feeling, she was full up with impatient being. Later then, when the baby was still-born and Mary knew she had been very near to dying, she had in her then anxious impatient, a little of nervous being, Mabel then had for her very little meaning, then later when Mary began to be herself again inside her Mabel had begun loving and Mary was disapproving. So there was never again a beginning in Mary of idolising feeling.
Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were not altogether successful friends in their living. Later they both were married and then things went a little better between them. Mabel Linker had a husband then to make her important and to urge her inside her. Mary Maxworthing did not have a husband until some time after Mabel had one, until after she had begun again with Mabel the undertaking of dress-making.
Every one has then in them their own way of having injured feeling, Mabel Linker had never in her much of this inside her. Later with a husband to urge her to be inside her her important being, she could have such a feeling. Luckily then Mary Maxworthing had not yet her husband and so they got along together.
As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing was having her despairing feeling she lost all feeling about Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing had this in her, many women are like her, many men have this too in them, they have in them negative egotism in them. Later there will be histories of many of such of them.
Mary was not a complete one of such a kind of them. This is the kind they are then. Mabel Linker was not at all such a kind of one. This is now a description of them.
Many women then are always of them, many men have it in them, mostly it is a kind of them that are made more as women perhaps than as men. Every one then has their own way of having injured feeling in them. As I was saying many have it in them when they have more self-sacrificing, more noble being in them than ever comes out of them in living, when they have a noble sweetness in them to them and they are unpleasant or lazy even in living. Many of them who have negative egotism in them have lazy being as the bottom of them, lazy or vague or empty bottom to them. Some of them are dependent independent, some are independent dependent, all of them mostly have lazy or vague or empty or very little bottom to them. Some have much bottom in them and never get it into motion. Negative egotism then is when one has enough egotism never to follow any other leading, never to live anybody else's life in living, always to have the best reason why every condition in living is the wrong place for them and not to have enough egotism to live their own life, to do their own choosing, to really be resisting. These then never have any real choice in them, they have not resisting in them, they have very good reasons why there is no place for them, why conditions are always wrong to them. Often it takes years to know them, they are mostly nice women with tender hearts and pleasant natures in them, they are many of them so stirring in their living that it is hard to know it of them that they have lazy being as a bottom to them, they worry so much inside them that it is hard to believe it of them that they have not it in them to be active in taking trouble enough to be really living, they are very many then of all of such of them, they have such very good reasons for not finding any place for living, it takes a long time when one is living with any one of them not to be taken in by the good reasons they have for not choosing. Even when one knows them well their reasons are convincing, there is such good reason always in them and they are mostly pleasant people with tender hearts or active worrying in them and lazy being in them. Laziness is in many of them not easy to know of them. Many of them seem actively in motion many of such of them who have really lazy being in them. There are then many many millions always being made of women and of men who have negative egotism in them. Some then are always existing who come nearer real egotism, these have not enough egotism for choosing, for living, some by attacking some by resisting make for themselves a protection, they do not do their own living but they keep other people off of them or clog them. There are many ways then of being in all these ways of egotism, sometime then there will be a history of all of them, a history of all of them, a history of every one, of every man and every woman who ever were or are or will be living, who have ever in them egotism, active, passive or negative.
Alright then, there is a negative egotism in many men and in women, in very many of them. Sometime then there will be a history of every kind of them.
As I was saying every one mostly has sometime in them some injured feeling. Mabel Linker almost never had any of it in her. Mary Maxworthing could have it sometimes in her. Mabel Linker had not in her any of the thing we have been just describing. She had in her individual being, she had in her sensitive being to the point of creating. She lived her own life in living. Mostly she was not doing much living, that is she needed urging to be working, she had flightiness in being, in loving she had her complete being, then she did real creating, she was alive then to her own feeling. Mary Maxworthing was more nearly of them who have in them negative egotism. She had a little gayety in living, she had a little sensitive bottom, but when she had impatient being as filling she had almost negative egotism. When she had impatient being then, she had not in her any sense of living, then all feeling for any one died out of her. Impatient being was not nervous being in her, it was not a bottom to her, it was sometimes the whole of her, it was stupid being in her. Mabel Linker had a very different nature.
As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing was looking to a future with freedom and a dress-making undertaking and a little distinction, she had in her a sense of herself to herself inside her, she had in her a sense of living in her, she had something of individual being in her. She had then for Mabel Linker almost an idolising feeling, this was important feeling in her. When she had despairing being in her she had only stupid being in her, she had not negative egotism then in her, she was just going on living because life was in her. All that then was in her was the impatient being that was in her stupid being and despairing feeling, not really despairing feeling, but dull being in her. Later when she had a very little anxious being in her and a good deal of impatient being in her, when Mabel Linker was taking care of her, she was nearer to negative egotism, she had excellent reasons for all injured feeling in her, she had excellent reason why everyone should take care of her, she had excellent reason for it to be right to her that Mabel Linker should take care of her, all she had done for her and all the trouble she herself now had in her, and so it was right that she should have Mabel Linker take care of her, and that was the end of that matter to her. Mabel Linker had no injured feeling in her, Mabel never had in her any sense of any one doing any thing for her, mostly Mabel did what came to her, she did well anything she started to do because it came to her, she did brilliant dress-making, it came natural to her, in loving she had her own living inside her. Later she had her husband to urge her, that gave to her a little more, always in her, a sense of herself to herself inside her.
Mary Maxworthing then had good reason not to have toward Mabel Linker any grateful feeling. Mabel took care of her. She had come near dying, now she was through with that trouble, slowly impatient being came to be more nearly a reasonably small part of her, and this was now to her an end of that matter.
This was then the end in her of anxious nervous being, she went back then to her old work and was not hoping and she had then negative egotism as the way of living, she had a kind of negative optimism as a way of thinking. It was then that Mabel Linker began loving, it was then that she and Mary Maxworthing almost came to the end of friendly relation. This is now the history of the two of them.
As I was saying Mary Maxworthing then had for a little time no hope for future freedom, she had just then no prospect for marrying, she was commencing to have again a little gayety in living, she had in her then still impatient being. Mabel Linker had commenced to have work enough at home to keep going. Mary just then had no hope of commencing dressmaking with her again. Mabel was flighty then and had no sense in managing. Mary was not taking much interest in what Mabel was doing, she had in her some impatient feeling, she had in her then very little important being of herself inside her to her feeling. She had in her then not much real living, she had in her then negative egotism.
It was alright for Mary Maxworthing to have the feeling she had in her about Mabel Linker. She had good reasons then for the feeling in her. It was the end of interest for her, it was the end of freedom for her, Mabel had no meaning for her when she had no connection with her, this came to her when she had her baby in her from the trouble in her that left her no feeling for any other because she had no live being in her; later when Mabel was full up with love for the man who later married her there was nothing of her for Mary to feel in her, there had never been anything there really, for her, but when there was nothing else in Mabel Linker it had not made any difference to any one who knew her. Mary Maxworthing had then good reason for the feeling she had in her about Mabel Linker, Mary had had almost an idolising feeling about Mabel when they first lived together when they began their undertaking of dress-making together, when she would sit idling, waiting, dreaming, she would be writing, “Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel", this showed the feeling she had then in her about her. Then came the time when she was no longer hoping for the future, then there was some bitterness in her, then she felt Mabel should have more grateful feeling in her than she showed toward her, then came the despairing being in her and then the thing happened to her that surprised every one who knew her when her weakness and desire were more active in her because gayety and impatient being and ambition were then dead in her. Then she had not feeling about any one around her. Then there came to be in her, troubled impatient feeling, and Mabel took care of her. Mary was then full up with impatient being and Mabel took care of her like any other, neither the one nor the other then felt anything about the other. Then when that was over Mary knew how near she had come to be dying, then she had a little anxious impatient irritable being in her and then she and Mabel still lived together and then they quarreled more and more with each other for Mabel was beginning then with her lover and so she had then the beginning of wanting to escape, a little, in her. Then Mary was beginning to have her former being, she had begun again taking care of children. Mabel then was beginning to succeed well enough with dress-making to work at home and keep going. She was flighty then and uncertain in her working and Mary was always scolding, not for her own sake for there was nothing in it for her, but for Mabel's sake so Mabel could get along and not have people leave her disgusted with her. Mabel was very flighty then with no one to hold her, she was getting then fuller and fuller of love for the man who later married her. Mary did not want this marriage for her, he was a young fellow, Mabel's lover, younger than she was and a poor money getter. Mary did not then have for Mabel any idolising feeling, she did not take much interest in her, she always scolded her, she had in her an injured feeling because Mabel had no gratitude in her, no feeling for any one around her. This was true enough about her, Mary always had good reasons for the feelings in her, it was true enough Mabel was flighty and had no gratitude in her and had no feeling for any one ever excepting the man who later married her. And so they did not get along at all together, Mabel always had more and more escaping in her, she had not come yet to have any feeling of herself inside her, this came to her later with a husband to urge her to make her herself inside her, but she had more and more of escaping being in her, she was always getting more and more full of loving and she never had had in her any feeling for any one around her. Before, it had not been important to any one the feeling in her for then there was not in her, loving or escaping to make any one feel any lack in her. Now it was different and Mary Maxworthing had good reason for the feeling she had in her about her. Mabel was working then but flightiness was strongly in her and people who employed her often were disgusted with her. They did not leave her for as I was saying Mabel was almost brilliant in dress-making. Mary had no patience then with her, she had injured feeling in her for she was then not of any importance to Mabel Linker. She had injured and sometimes angry feeling in her then about her. It was alright for her to have then such a feeling about Mabel Linker, Mabel had flightiness then in her, Mabel had escaping then in her, Mabel was full up with love for a man who was younger and would never earn a living for her. Mabel Linker had then her own living in her. She was full up with love for the man who later married her.
