She was then without real anxious feeling, the people who employed her were patient with the impatient being then in her. Mabel Linker took good care of her and stood all the impatient being then in her, the impatient being that was stupid being then in her, the impatient being that was irritating then in her to every one near her, the impatient being that made her very interfering and rather nagging.
This is now a history of what now happened to her and how Mabel took care of her, and of Mabel Linker and how they did and did not get along together, and what each one of them felt about the other.
Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were from the same part of the country. They had always known each other. Mary was the elder. Mabel was about five years younger. Mabel Linker's cousin had married Mary Maxworthing's sister. Mary Maxworthing had always known Mabel Linker and had always been very fond of her. When Mabel came to Gossols to learn dress-making Mary almost idolised her. They were then always together, Mabel then always did what Mary told her. Mabel was then a stranger, Mary Maxworthing had already been in Gossols many years then and she took care of her. They got along very well together. As I was saying Mabel learned cutting and fitting and soon became very clever almost brilliant in dress-making, she had not the sense for fashion, she had not the sense for managing, she had very little sense about anything, she had to have some one to do directing and Mary Maxworthing did this for her in the beginning completely to Mabel's satisfaction. Satisfaction is not the right word for describing Mabel's feeling. In Mabel satisfaction was the not being aroused to escaping or resisting or in fact to any conscious feeling. Anyway they got on then very well in living and dress-making. Mary then had very little impatient being, her impatient being had then nothing nervous in it, not that she ever came to be a nervous person, her impatient being was not then too interfering and then too at that time she had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling. She liked to write down when she was sitting idling, “Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel,” and this showed her feeling. She wrote this down with a pencil whenever she was sitting doing nothing, this was in the beginning when Mabel was learning dress-making, when they were first living together.
It was much harder to know it about Mabel Linker what feeling she had in her about any one around her. It was always very hard to know this about her. Perhaps she did not mostly have any very strong feeling in her. It was very hard to know it about her. When she had a lover it was then certain that she was crazy to have him marry her, she only lived in having him want her. Mostly with every one else around her one never could tell what was the feeling in her. They got along then very well as I was saying when they first began living together.
Mabel then had become a good dress-maker, Mary had put together money enough and they began then their working together. At first things went pretty well and then they had some trouble living together and they had not then enough money to go on waiting for a future. They kept on however for some time living together.
Mary Maxworthing did not have in her really an unpleasant nature, she did not really have in her a nagging temper. She had very little in her of anxious being or attacking feeling that makes unpleasant nature. She had in her very little nervous character, she had in her a little impatient feeling, she had a pleasant gayety in her. Her stupid being and her interfering never came from anxious being in her, they were not really unpleasant nature in her, they came from the little impatient being in her and the fact that she had not a very large bottom in her to her, she had a little sensitive bottom in her, a very little weakness as a bottom to her, almost no stupid being as a bottom to her, she had enough sensitiveness in her to make a pleasant sympathetic sweetness in her, she had very little fighting or attacking in her; all the unpleasant and stupid being in her was with the little impatient feeling always in her, with the angry and injured feeling sometime in her. This is a history of how she and Mabel Linker did and did not get along together. Mabel had a very different nature.
There are many ways then that people have affection in them, there are many ways of having feeling about people near one. Each one then has their own way of having affectionate feeling in them. Every one has their own kind of affectionate being. Mary Maxworthing had her way of feeling about Mabel Linker, Mabel had her own way of having loving feeling. In every one there is their way of having in them affectionate feeling. In every one there is changing. Mostly every one has changing in them in their feeling about any one. Mostly every one never thinks about the changing the other one may be having in them. This is another matter though and now this is a history of the affectionate feeling and loving feeling Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker had in them and how each one affected the other one of them. As I was saying in the beginning Mary had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling, no one knew very much about Mabel Linker's feeling.
Mary had for Mabel then at first almost an idolising feeling. Mabel had a quality of brilliant dress-making, and sweetness in enduring, and no certain expression of her feeling, and a certain freedom in doing that looked like courage in her living but was only that she never saw anything except the thing that then filled her, she never had any reflection in her, she had a certain shrinking fear sometimes in her but that was only when somebody stopped her, she had a certain flighty freedom in her, she was almost a brilliant dress-maker. She never had any ideas in her, she had not much sense of fashion in her, she had not such sense in her but that was not necessary for her, Mary Maxworthing would run her, when she first lived with her Mary idolised her. As I was saying the failure of the undertaking was to Mary Maxworthing a loss of freedom, a loss of future distinction. Mabel had very little of this feeling, she had not much more freedom working with Mary Maxworthing than in any other kind of working, not that she did not like it better, she liked it better but the failure did not make all the difference to her. Later it went better because then she had a husband to urge her. But this is all history that will be written later. Always later although they stayed together it was not as it had been earlier, it was not then an idolising of her by Mary and a yielding by her because she had no way to resist her.
Freedom then in Mary Maxworthing was having her own choice in living, having some distinction. Freedom for Mabel Linker was loving one man and marrying him and working only under driving. She was brilliant then in working but she needed urging, she needed always some one else's starting. She had sensitive being in her to the point of creation, she was not of the kind of women that have instrument nature in them, she never did any one else's living, she always did her own living, when she loved her own loving, when she worked her own brilliant working, but always she needed other people to keep her going, to start her, to arrange for her, to hold her down when flightiness seized her; she always lived her own life in living, she needed other people to start her, to give a beginning idea to her, she needed other people to arrange for her, to hold her when flightiness was in her. She had no fighting in her, she had very little sense of escaping in her, she had some stubborn being in her, when she seized a thing she needed in loving or living nothing could pull it away from her. She needed very few things so much that no one could take them from her, she had no sense in her, generosity had no meaning to her she would give anything to any one even when they did not ask her, she held on only to the thing in living that was life to her, she had not any strong feeling about anything except the man she needed for loving, the man she married and who was everything to her, everything else could slip away as it would from her. This made an ingrate of her, she had no sense of any one ever doing anything for her for she had no need in her, they did it she never felt anything about it in her, that made trouble for her later, that made it later hard for Mary Maxworthing to forgive her, this is a history of the trouble it made for her. She had independent dependent nature in her but the dependent side of it in her to the point of sometimes exquisite creation was the whole of her. She had none of the independent side of it in her, she had no attacking in her. Stupid being in her was a negative thing in her, she had no sense for ordinary living in her, she had no sense of anything that was happening to her, she had not enough of anything in her beside the sensitive creation that was her to make any sense in her, this was the stupid being in her; that which was not in her was the stupid being of her, this made in her a lack of understanding and of living, it made an ingrate of her, it made very often a foolish person of her. Often it not being there made her flightiness control her, those who were not ever much interested really in her always said of her it was foolishness, silliness always in her, those who took a real interest in her said she had craziness in her. She had independent dependent nature in her and the sensitive dependent side of it in her to the point of exquisite creation was the whole of her. This is now a history of her, of her loving, of her marrying, of her dress-making, of her living with Mary Maxworthing.
When Mary came home from the doctor Mabel was told all that had happened to her. Mabel did everything any one could have done for her in all the trouble that then came to her.
Mary Maxworthing had not a despairing feeling with the baby in her as she had had at the failure of her undertaking at dress-making. She had a little more now of anxious being, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, mostly it was impatient feeling that filled her and injured feeling that so much bad luck should have come to her. A great deal of impatient feeling, considerable injured feeling and a little anxious feeling was what then mostly was in her. She had none of the despairing sense she had had in her after her failure, this would not effect the future for her, so much the worse for her that it had happened to her, she liked children, so much the worse that it should have come so to her, she still loved the man, he loved her, sometime perhaps he would marry her. As it happened he did marry her, he married her when she was thirty-five, when she was making her new beginning with Mabel Linker at dress-making and was succeeding. He was a decent enough man and always wanted to marry her, his family wanted him to marry another girl who was richer, he had been away on business travelling all the time she had the baby and later, when he came back finally and could arrange it he married her. It was a successful enough marriage for her. Living was always successful enough for her.
But all this was much later now she is coming back from the doctor with some impatient feeling, a little anxious feeling and some injured feeling in her. Mabel Linker then did anything any one could do for her, the people who employed her were much surprised at such a thing happening to her, no one who knew ever would have imagined such a thing would happen to her, but it did not change their feeling for her, it did not change anybody's estimate of her. It had happened to her. Everybody was good to her, everybody except the doctor who had got angry with her. He was young then, he thought she had deceit in her, this was not true of her, she was as honest as most people are.
I don't mean that she had any great honesty in her. She did not but she had medium honesty in her. In her interview with the doctor there was no deceit in her there was only the stupidity of impatient being in her.
She was as honest as most people are in living, she was as conscientious as most people are in beginning, to herself she was a little more conscientious than she really was in being, she could have in herself an injured being. She could feel that Mabel should have in her toward her a grateful feeling, she could have in herself an injured feeling, she was to herself more sacrificing, more conscientious, a little perhaps, not much more honest to her in her being than she really was in being or in living, she could have then injured feeling. Mostly, in her, she had more impatient being, more interfering, than she had angry or injured feeling. She could have angry and injured feeling.
Mostly one has injured feeling when one is to one inside in one's feeling more noble than one ever is in acting than one ever is really in being, one has then inside one injured feeling. There are many kinds of ways of having injured feeling in one. Sometime there will be a history of all of the kinds of them.
Sometimes there is much sweetness inside one to one's feeling and all the time nasty words are coming out from one, in many of such of them there is much sweetness in them in their feeling, many of such of them do not know that then mean or brutal things are being said by them, so then they have rightly in them injured feeling inside them when the others respond to the nasty things said by them to them. This is a very common way of having injured feeling in one, sometime there will be a history of all the kinds of them. Mary Maxworthing then had impatient being, she never knew that this really made her interfering, to herself it only made her want to have every one do what they were doing. She had in her a reasonably conscientious, honest being, to herself she had a little more of them and of self-sacrificing being than she really had in living. This could come to make in her injured and sometimes angry feeling. Just the kind she had in her of conscientious and honest being will come out more and more in the history of her as in her living it comes out of her.
She came back then from the doctor and then Mabel Linker and then her employer knew what had happened to her. Everybody then was very good to her. No one then who knew her changed then in their feeling about her, this had happened to her, she was always though what every one always had thought her. The doctor had been angry with her, but he was young and thought it deceit in her, it was impatient being that was the stupid being in her.
