This is now clear then, by and by there will be much description of the being and the character in many of these people, families, men, women and children that the Hersland children knew when they were children and on from them until they were almost young men and women, in the long history of David Hersland that will be written after there has been written some of the history of Martha Hersland and of Alfred Hersland the two elder Hersland children. There will then be written also the meaning of these men and women to Mr. and Mrs. David Hersland the father and the mother of the three Hersland children. So then all that will happen, all that will be written after there is written some description of living and the being of the two elder Hersland children. First then now there will be written some description of Martha Hersland in her beginning. After there has been written something of the history of her living some description of her being, there will be written a history of her brother Alfred up to the time of his marrying Julia Dehning. After that will be written the whole long history of the youngest of the three children David Hersland and all through there will be written some history of the father and mother and of all the governesses and servants living in the house with the Hersland family. So then to begin again. In the history of young David Hersland there will be written much description of the character and living of every one the Hersland family ever came to know in all the time they were living in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living. In the history of Alfred Hersland there will be much description of the things Alfred did with and to them, all of them whom the Hersland family came to know then. Now in the history of Martha Hersland there will be much description of how every one knowing the Hersland family then came to feel and know her and them, what every one knowing them felt in her and in the Hersland living, what every one knowing them and knowing her felt about her, knew about her, felt about them, knew about them.
There are many ways of disguising the whole being that is each one, some have a stronger disguising of them in their beginning living, stronger then than in their middle living, or in their ending. In many this is now true of them. Soon now there will be some discussing of the disguising of whole being in young living. Now there will be some description of how every one who knew Martha Hersland knew and felt the being and the living she had in her, how her father felt her, how her mother felt her, how the servants felt her, each one of them, how each one of the governesses knew and felt her, in short how every one who knew her then, men women and children who knew her then, knew her then, felt her then. To begin then.
As I was saying it is very hard to know the being in some one from some few things they have been doing, it is hard knowing any one but sometime each one knowing any one has some feeling of that one.
There are many ways of disguising the whole being, in each one. Some have a stronger disguise in their beginning than in their middle living or in their ending. Some have a stronger disguise in their middle living than in their beginning living or when they are ending living. Some have a stronger disguise when they are ending living than at any other time in their living. Some do not have at any time in their living more disguising of the real being in them than at any other time in their living. Martha Hersland was one of such of them. This is now the way every one knowing Martha Hersland felt the being in her.
Martha Hersland was of the independent dependent kind in men and women. The one I was describing as being independent dependent being as in fluid condition and held together to be one by the skin surrounding that one was of the same kind of being then as that in Martha Hersland, in Martha the being was in a little more concentrated condition but the proportion of attacking and obstinate resisting and quickness and hesitation and ways of being always in every part of living a whole one was the same in Martha Hersland as in the one I was describing as being independent dependent being in completely fluid condition and being a whole one only, and always being one, by having a skin to hold it in and to separate it so from every one and make it so an individual one. Martha then was of the independent dependent kind in men and women, Martha had this being then in more concentration in a more solid condition than the one I was earlier describing. It is a little true now to me of Martha and a little true to me of many men and women having independent dependent being in them that the being in them being like the one I was describing, the one having all independent dependent being in solution in a fluid condition, and my knowing independent dependent being so well in that one and that one being such a fluid whole one, gives to me seeing them an uncomfortable feeling to know it so well from this one I was describing, the being in them, the activities in them, in some having independent dependent being; sometimes it makes me a little turn away from seeing the being in some having in them independent dependent being so that I will not know it too clearly in them the being that they have in them, all the meaning of the being in them and that is a little now the way I am feeling in looking at the being in Martha Hersland and now all the same I am beginning completely to realise all the meaning there is in the being there is in her and always now I will look straight on at her. I will know all the being in her. Martha was of the independent dependent kind of them as I was saying, she was as I was saying like the one I was describing that was independent dependent being in completely fluid condition and always was a whole one in the beginning of the being there was in that one in the middle of the living of that one, in the ending of the living of that one. Martha then was like that one in the relation of things in her being, she was more concentrated more solid than that one, it was not only the skin that kept her apart from other ones, there was actual individual being always in Martha but Martha was a whole one, in her beginning, in her middle living, in her ending, she was all through her of the same concentration, of the same nature, always it was the same being in her, that in her in her beginning, in her being a baby, a little one, a little bigger one, and so on. Always Martha like the other one I was describing was a whole one. This is now some description of what each one who knew her felt in her, this is now some descriptions of the nature in her, of the living that was in her.
When she was a very little one sometimes she wanted not to be existing. This is a very common thing in every one in the beginning of their living. This is a very common thing in mostly every one in the beginning of their living. Many want then not any longer to be existing, mostly then when they are very little ones they are never thinking I wish I had never come into existing, they have not then any such a feeling, they often say then I wish I had died when I was a little baby and had not any feeling, I would not then have to be always suffering, I would not then now have to think of being frightened by dying, I wish I had been dead when I was a very little one and was not knowing anything. It is very interesting the way anybody feels about dying, about not existing, about everything, about every one. Always more and more this is very interesting.
There are ways then that those having in them independent dependent being feel about living, feel about dying, feel about never having been, if they have any of such a kind of feeling in them, that is common to all of them as being different from the way those having in them dependent independent being have of feeling.
More and more there will be understanding of these different ways of feeling their own being, feeling anybody else's being, feeling the ending of themselves and the ending of any one, feel their not existing, that makes one kind in men and women, makes that kind different from other kinds of them. There will then be a very little always being made that slowly will make a great deal of description of the feelings in each kind in men and women about everything.
As I was saying Martha was of the independent dependent kind of them. As I was saying it is hard to know the kind of being in any one from just a description of some thoughts, some feelings, some actions in them for it is in their feeling of themselves inside them that the kind of being in them shows in them and that comes out of them slowly in their living, that comes out of them always as repeating, this is very very difficult to make any one understand from a description of them. This is now what I am always trying. I know much of all this and sometime sometimes I can make some one else know it by my explaining, I am never very certain but always there is again and again for me a beginning of this trying.
As I was saying many little ones have a feeling about not wanting any more to be living, some want to have been dead when they were little babies and not knowing anything, some want to be dead then so that every one will miss them, some want to prove themselves all noble by dying, some are just tired of struggling when they are little ones, there are such ones, and some of such of them have independent dependent being that does not succeed then in winning fighting by attacking. Martha was a little such a one, and more and more this will show in all her living. Always there was in her much attacking, mostly there was in her nervous feeling, mostly there was in her not much winning, early then she had at moments tired feeling. Never did she know that really she was failing in attacking, always she had in her nervous feeling showing that she had been failing to every one, it was not excitement or weakness or yielding or escaping or blustering as it is in some, some who have independent dependent being and are failing in attacking, in some who have dependent independent being and yet always are attacking though attacking is not for them the way of winning fighting, but in Martha Hersland all of her being was independent dependent being, attacking was her way of winning fighting, mostly she was never winning mostly she did not really know this in her, she had nervous feeling in her that showed the failure in the fighting she was doing, all this will be clearer when there will have been completely given the feeling every one who ever came to know her at any time in her living had about her.
Always Martha was a whole one, she had only this one kind of being. She always was a whole one, all her living she was repeating the whole being, the kind of being that was the whole being of her, mostly all her living she was a whole one, to herself, to every one. There was in her always one kind of independent dependent being as I was saying and it was mostly all always completely there to every one, the whole being in her to every one who ever knew her, always there then to every one, when she was a baby or a little one, or a young girl or a young woman, or a woman in her middle living, or in her ending. Mostly then always she really was a whole one. Mostly then always every one who knew her had about her such a feeling. This will come clearer in the history of her.
She was as I was saying of one kind of independent dependent being and all her living there was about the same concentration to her, the same relation of attacking and succeeding and failing and nervous feeling and stupid being and understanding and tired feeling in her. Martha was then once a very little one, a baby, and then a little one and then a young girl and then a woman and then she was older and then later there was an ending to her and always all through this living in her she was the same whole one inside her and to every one who knew her.
In some the nature in them is clearer when they are very young, in some when they are young, in some when they are not so young, in some when they are getting older, in some when they are old ones. Martha was mostly always to every one who knew her the same whole one, when she was a little one, a very little one, an older one, a very old one, mostly always then she was to every one about the same kind of a whole one. She was of one kind of that kind of them and mostly all her living there was the same concentration of the being that was her, the same proportion of one thing to the other things active in her.
As I was saying those having in them independent dependent being have in them attacking as their natural way of winning fighting, as their natural way of winning in loving. As I was saying those having in them dependent independent being have in them resisting as their natural way of winning fighting, have resisting as their natural way of winning in loving. This then is the being in those having in them independent dependent being, this then is the being in those having in them dependent independent being. These then are the two different ways of being in men and women and always this, one way or the other way of being, always then one way or the other way of being, independent dependent being or dependent independent being is in each one, every one who ever was or is or will be living.
Often it is very confusing for as I was saying sometimes, very often, one having in her or in him independent dependent being, that is having attacking as their real way of winning fighting, winning in loving, such a one seems really to be always resisting. This then the kind of being in some one is sometimes, is one might say truly very often, very confusing, for one, having in them really as being attacking as the way of winning fighting, as the way of winning loving, always sometimes every minute in their living to themselves and to every one knowing them seems to be resisting, seems to be so fighting and winning, so loving and winning. This is then very confusing to every one knowing that one. Slowly then the real fighting being, the real loving being in that one comes to be understood by some one, sometimes not really by any one, mostly in every one, sometime by some one. This is true then of very many having in them independent dependent being, that is those having in them attacking as their real way of winning fighting, attacking as their real way of winning loving, it is true in many of them that to themselves mostly, and mostly to every one ever knowing them, they have in them resisting as their way of winning fighting, resisting as their way of winning in loving. In those having in them dependent independent being that is those having in them resisting as their real way of winning fighting, resisting as their real way of winning in loving, there are very many of them who seem to themselves sometimes and mostly always to every one ever knowing them seem to be always and incessantly attacking, seem to be always winning by attacking in fighting and in loving. Sometime it comes out of them that they are not really winning, more and more perhaps it comes out of them that always attacking they are never really winning, sometimes sometime some one will know it of them that attacking is not in such of them the way of winning fighting, winning loving, in some sometime every one who knows them knows it sometime of them, that attacking is not in them the way of winning fighting, the way of winning loving. It is very confusing for every one realising this description must be really understanding that failing does not prove it to be true of some one that attacking is not the real way of winning fighting for one doing their fighting by attacking. Many having in them attacking as their natural way of winning fighting fail to succeed to winning by attacking, fail to succeed in loving by attacking. They may fail then those having in them such being, they may even succeed by resisting those having in them attacking as their way of winning and yet these then are of the kind of them having attacking as their natural way of winning fighting, as their natural way of winning loving, are in short of the independent dependent kind of them. Of those having in them resisting as their natural way of winning fighting they are often for a long time to every one, to themselves then and they are bragging of it and they have it in them to themselves and to every one that they are always succeeding by attacking, and sometimes they are really never failing, to themselves and to others who know them and yet always to some one knowing the whole sum of them the whole completeness of their living some one can know it in them that attacking is not in them their real way of winning fighting, of succeeding in being loved and in loving. So then as I was saying it is very confusing and sometimes one only knows really the kind of being in some by the kind of yielding in them, the kind of sensitiveness in them for there is in each kind of being, in independent dependent being, in dependent independent being a kind of way of yielding, a kind of way of being dependent, a kind of way of having sensitiveness in them that makes that kind of them. There is then in independent dependent being a kind of way of yielding, of having sensitive being that is different from the kind of way of yielding of having sensitive being in dependent independent kinds in men and women. There is a kind of way of yielding, of being dependent, of having sensitive being in those having in them dependent independent being that is different from the kind of way of yielding, of having dependent being, of having sensitive being in those having in them any of the kinds of independent dependent being. In short there is one way of having dependent being, of yielding, of sensitiveness, of having stupid being, of having feeling about objects, about practical living that goes with having attacking as the natural way of winning fighting of winning loving, of winning anything and there is another whole system of being that is very different from this, a way of yielding, a way of having sensitiveness in being, a way of seeing and feeling everything in living, a way of choosing a way of reacting to everything that goes with having it as being, the winning fighting by resisting as the real way of being, the winning anything in living, loving and everything by resisting. So then sometimes there will be much very much description of the way of yielding in each one having in them one or the other of these two kinds of being, independent dependent, dependent independent, that is of everyone, of all men, of all women.
