The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (46 page)

If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense.

MATTHEW 18:15

THE PRINCIPLE OF "LEAVING" parents has implications when conflicts arise in a marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to "run to Mom" when problems arise in her marriage. Any time a conflict arises, she confides in Mom. When this becomes a pattern, before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law that wreaks havoc on the young couple's relationship. In an extreme case, she may even encourage the daughter to leave her husband.

Remember that "cleaving" to your mate applies in times of conflict as well as in times of peace. If you have conflicts in your marriage-and most of us do-seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Jesus instructed his disciples that if another believer hurt them, they should go directly to that person. The same principle holds true in marriage. Your first instinct needs to be dealing directly and only with your spouse. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth.

If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and help you make wise decisions. By contrast, parents tend to see their own child's side and find it almost impossible to be objective.

Father, when I have a conflict with my spouse, I so often want to pour out my side of the story to someone who will be sympathetic tome. But help me to remember that conflicts in our marriage need to remain between us. I pray for grace to handle the issues that arise.

I want [believers] to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love.

COLOSSIANS 2:2

THE SCRIPTURES INDICATE that husbands and wives are to become "one" (see Genesis 2:24). They are to share life to such a degree that they have a sense of unity, or togetherness. In the verse above, the apostle Paul states his vision for believers: that they would be "knit together" or "united in love" (NIV). This is critical for all believers and even more so for marriage partners. Would you describe your marriage like this?

c w "We area team."

nv "We know each other."

c w "We understand each other."

nv "We choose to walk in step with each other."

c w "Our lives are inseparably bound together."

c "We are one."

These are the statements of happily married couples. Such togetherness does not happen without a lot of communication. Communication is a twoway street. I talk and you listen; you talk and I listen. It is this simple process that develops understanding and togetherness.

How much time do you spend in conversation with your spouse each day? Do you have a daily sharing time? How consistent are you in keeping this appointment? In the next few devotions, we'll explore ways to enhance communication and increase oneness.

Lord Jesus, l know you desire us to be united as a couple. l pray that we will grow in togetherness, in teamwork, in understanding, and in our sense of oneness. Please show us how to do that.

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, 0 God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can Igo and stand before him? PSALM 42:1-2

AFTER THE CREATION of Adam and Eve, God said that the two should become one. Becoming "one" does not mean that we lose our personal identities. We retain our personalities, and we still have personal goals and ambitions. We each have our own pursuits; the typical husband and wife spend many hours each day geographically separated from each other. Marital "oneness" is not sameness. It is rather that inner feeling that assures us that we are "together" even when we are apart.

Such oneness is not automatic. Becoming "one" is the result of many shared thoughts, feelings, activities, dreams, frustrations, joys, and sorrows. In short, it is the result of sharing life.

Many couples have found that the secret to growing in oneness is establishing a daily sharing time. Many people have a daily "quiet time" with God for the purpose of getting close to him. As the author of Psalm 42 conveys so beautifully, when we're strong in our relationship with God, we long for him and desire to be near him. It's a bit circular. When we know God, we desire to spend time with him. If we spend time with him, we begin to desire him more. The same thing can be true with our spouse. The more we set aside time to spend together, the more important it becomes to us.

I encourage you to consider having a daily sharing time with your spouse for the purpose of staying close to each other. Set aside time each day to talk and to share your thoughts, emotions, and concerns. Conversation leads to understanding and unity.

Father, l want to long for you as a deer longs for water. And in the same way, l desire a deeper connection with my spouse. Please help me to remember that connection and oneness come with time and effort. Please bless our efforts to set aside time for each other.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. PSALM 139:1-2 (NTV)

PSALM 139 MAKES CLEAR that God knows our every thought and even our words before we speak them. The Lord knows us-effortlessly-better than we know ourselves. But it takes effort for a man and woman to know each other. Do you see then why communication is an absolute necessity if we are to understand our spouse?

We cannot know our spouse's thoughts, feelings, or desires unless he or she chooses to tell us and we choose to listen. That is why a daily sharing time is so important in a marriage. We cannot develop a sense of "togetherness" unless we talk regularly with each other.

A daily sharing time is a time set aside each day for the purpose of talking and listening. If you're unsure what to talk about, try this: "Tell me three things that happened in your life today and how you feel about them." It can start with ten minutes and may extend to thirty or longer. The key is not the length but the consistency. I have never seen a truly successful marriage that did not make time for communication.

Father, I'm grateful that you know us inside and out. Help us to open ourselves to each other so we may grow in intimacy. Increase our oneness, Lord, we pray.