The Perfection of Love (24 page)

“Mitchell you brought what happened to you on yourself.  If Jakey wants to see you then we can sort something out.  If not, then you need to disappear Mitchell because I sure as hell don’t want you in my life.”

“You’ve got a day to talk to him Dana.  Oh and I’d prefer if you didn’t have random men around my son sleeping in the same house as him.”  He hung up.  What the fuck.  First of all, how dare he make demands and second, how the hell did he know that Deacon was staying here.  Was he watching the house?  I got back into bed with Deacon.  I didn’t want to wake him but I had to tell him what was going on and I had the feeling that things were about to get complicated.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I was already downstairs making breakfast when Deacon woke up.
  He kissed me on the cheek and I turned to hug him.  Every part of me just wanted to escape into his arms and disappear from my problems.  I had somehow created a perfect home with Jakey and Deacon and Mitchell’s presence was going to ruin it, I could feel it.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”  Deacon had lifted my chin so that I was looking at him.   I knew what I was about to say would change everything and the thought made me sick.  “You look so sad.  You were so happy yesterday.  What could have happened in less than twenty four hours to make you look this way?”  I let my head flop down into his chest and took a deep breath.

“Mitchell called last night.”  I felt his whole body freeze and I looked up to see his reaction.  His face had set to stone.

“How did he get your number in prison?”  He was looking at me like I had the answer.  I hadn’t changed my mobile number since I got my first phone so I wasn’t surprised he still had it.

“He’s not in prison any more.  They let him out early.”  I let out the breath I had been holding.  “He wants to see Jakey.”

“He’s not seeing him.”  Deacon shouted.  I flinched but I don’t think he had noticed.  “He knocked you around and psychologically damaged Jacob, something I fully intend to fix. He doesn’t deserve to see either one of you.”  He was holding me tight in his arms as if he was protecting me from a danger he couldn’t yet see.  He couldn’t protect me from this though, because it wasn’t about me.

“Deacon, the problem is, he’s still Jakey’s dad.” I felt him bristle and heard him growl in the back of his throat as I stated the facts.  “It’s Jakey’s decision to make.  Not mine and not yours.  I have to talk to him.”  I had no idea what Jakey was going to say.  When Mitchell had first gone to prison I had tried to explain it to him without going into too much detail and over time I had explained it more fully so that he knew where his dad was and what for.  Sometimes he would ask questions about his dad like what his favourite music was or even what my happiest memory of him was.  Then there were other times he didn’t want to talk about him at all.

We waited until lunchtime and Deacon went out for a walk on his crutches to give us some time to talk.  I wondered if he felt like I was pushing him away by asking to speak to Jakey without him being there but I thought that this was something I needed to speak to my son about by myself.  Some of the things Deacon said suggested that he planned to be around for a long time in our lives and that he wanted to play the father figure for Jakey but he already had a dad.  A dad who now wanted to be a part of his life. 

Jakey didn’t outwardly react when I told him that his dad was out of prison.  Instead he went deathly silent and for me that was worse than tears or a tantrum.  Tears and tantrums I could work with.  I’d dealt with enough of them with my sisters.  Silence, not so much.  When I asked him if he wanted to see him, he took a long time to answer me before he told me he would see him as long as I was with him.  He gave me a kiss and a hug and went off to play in the living room.  Once he left the kitchen and I sat back to replay the conversation I realized that I was about to confront Mitchell after almost two years.  I hadn’t seen him since he was sentenced in court.  It was a quick sentencing, as he had no defense.  Several people had seen what happened outside his house the night I left him and the doctors had a long list of injuries that I had come to them with over the years.

****

My sisters and I followed  Ma and Pops out of the court room.  They were so happy talking among themselves.  Mitchell had been sent down for twenty four months for grievous bodily harm.  When I had to stand up in court I heard some of the people sitting with my family gasp at the pictures of my injuries.  Mitchell’s parents didn’t come to support him.  In fact none of his family came apart from Joe and Mills but obviously they were there to support me.  The whole time I stood there I could feel his eyes burning into me.  I couldn’t lift my head.  I felt ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen.  Part of me felt like I deserved what happened for not being strong enough to stand up to him for Jakey’s sake.  Because of me Jakey would not see his own father for at least two years and god knows what would happen after that.  When we got home I went straight upstairs to bed.  Jakey had stayed at home with Saz.  I cried myself to sleep.  In fact I cried myself to sleep every night for the next two weeks.  I think at one point Ma thought she was going to have to call the men in white coats to come and help me.  The problem was part of me still loved Mitchell after everything, I still loved him.  Not to the point that I wanted him back but when it came down to it, he was the father of my son, my only child, and I would always have feelings for him.  For now I just had to get on with my life and wait to see what happens when he came out of prison.

****

My fingers were shaking as I called Mitchell back on the number I had saved in my phone.  Not that I would admit to anyone but I was still afraid to talk to him.

“Hello Dana.”  No emotion.  How does he do that? What is he?  A robot?

“Mitchell.”  Please God, I pray he didn’t hear the hitch in my voice.

“When can I see Jacob?”  He wasn’t aggressive.  If I could believe it, he was almost pleasant.  Psycho!  If I was stupid enough to forget what he had done to Jakey and I, I would have thought he was the sweet thoughtful Mitchell who I met in the beginning.  I wasn’t that stupid.

“You can see him next weekend, on Saturday for two hours.  We will meet at a coffee shop I know that he likes to go to.  I’ll let you know where and no tricks or stunts Mitchell.  You upset Jacob and that’s it you’re not seeing him again.”

“Dana, I just want to see my son and be a part of his life.  I missed out on a chunk of his life and I want to make up for that lost time.”

“Whatever Mitchell.  I’ll speak to you later.”  I didn’t say bye and I didn’t wait for him to say bye either.  I just hung up.

When I told Deacon what was going to happen he went silent.  He didn’t understand why I was letting Mitchell see Jakey.  From his point of view he didn’t deserve an opportunity to be a dad to him and that was the end of the subject.  This was when the childish and stubborn Deacon came out and you just couldn’t talk to him.  He was pretty much silent for the rest of the day.  Not long after we had dinner he made his excuses and went up to bed.  He was so mad but I wasn’t going to let his feelings get in the way of what was best for Jakey.  I just hoped that Mitchell coming back into his life didn’t mean that Deacon moved out of ours.  When I went up to bed I hesitated outside Deacons door.  What if he didn’t want me to come to him tonight?  I don’t think my heart could take being rejected by him, especially right now when I was holding things together with a piece of string.  I turned and made my way to my own bedroom.   I got into bed and turned the lights off.  The bed felt huge without Deacon in it and the sheets felt cold.  I know they always probably did when I came to bed but I never noticed before and I had gotten used to Deacon coming to bed with me so the temperature of my sheets was usually the last thing on my mind.  I could feel my nose tingling with tears waiting to brim over.  I closed my eyes waiting for sleep to come but I kept playing things over and over in my head.  I don’t know how long I laid there before I began to drift off which was when I heard the door creak open.  The bed dipped beside me and I felt Deacons arm wrap around my waist and his breath against the nape of my neck.  Tears had begun to fall but I didn’t want Deacon to know so I kept still.

“Baby…?”  He pulled me closer into his chest.  “I’m sorry I was such an ass.  I just want you and Jakey to be safe and from what you’ve told me before you guys are not going to be safe with him.”  I still didn’t respond.  Tears had clogged my throat.  “I want to keep you safe and if you’re going to meet Mitchell with Jakey, I can’t be there for you.  I know you don’t want to see him but you’re going to do what’s best for Jakey and that means putting yourself in potential danger.  It just doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t pretend that I’m accepting of that when I’m not.  But what’s definitely not cool is me not reassuring you that I’m here for you and I support you.”  The floodgates opened and the tears poured.  “Baby, talk to me please?  I know you probably don’t want to right now but say something.  I need to hear your voice.”

“I thought you didn’t want to speak to me Deacon.  I know you don’t like what’s going to happen and I don’t know what you’re thinking.  I’m just here waiting for you to walk away because you don’t want to deal with any of this.”  I was blubbering and I wasn’t even sure he heard all of what I said through the tear induced hiccups.

“Forget about what I’m thinking and concentrate on you and Jakey.  I’m not going anywhere.  When you need me I’ll be there.  When I behave like an idiot, just remember you call me dickwad for a reason.”  He kissed my hair and began to rub my stomach.  It almost felt like I was a cat being stroked.  I know he was trying to make me smile by reminding me of my insult for him but it wasn’t working right now.  I had too much running through my mind.

“Deacon, I haven’t seen him in two years.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t keep Jakey away from his dad so I need to suck it up and do what I can for them to have a relationship.  I don’t want to see him.  The thought makes me sick to my core.  The man tortured me mentally and physically for so many years and now I have to go and act like it doesn’t matter for the greater good.”  I tried to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face.  I was talking so fast and my hands were flying everywhere in the bed.  If I wasn’t careful I was going to give myself a self-inflicted panic attack.

“Shhhhhhh.  Get some sleep, we’ll talk about it tomorrow and we’ll work it out.  Together.”  He continued to gently rub my stomach and I began to feel the stress dissipate.

For now, I felt like I could breathe.  Deacon wiped the last of my tears from my face and I fell asleep safe and loved in his arms.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Before we went to meet with Mitchell, I phone
d my Police Case Worker to find out why I hadn’t been notified before that he was out of prison.  Apparently there had been a paper mix up and I had slipped through the cracks.   Nothing like forgetting to tell someone his or her attacker is on the loose to give you faith in the Criminal Justice System.

When the following Saturday came both Jakey and I were nervous.  The coffee shop I told him to meet me at was in the middle of a busy shopping centre.  I didn’t want him anywhere near our home.  I didn’t put it past Mitchell to show up unannounced and start making demands.  There had been an uproar when I told my family about him coming back into Jakey’s life.  Mara sounded like she wanted to kill someone and if Ma hadn’t been so consumed with questioning my sanity I’m sure she would have given Mara a slap for all her swear words erupting from her mouth. Pops did his pacing thing he does when he’s considering murder.  Joe had asked if I wanted him to come with us but I thought it best not to make the situation any more hostile than it already was.  He told me to text him every thirty minutes anyway to let him know that we were still in the coffee shop or he would come and get us regardless.

Jakey and I arrived early and got some snacks while we waited for Mitchell to arrive.  I got my usual coffee and prayed that holding onto it would keep my hands from shaking.  I should have brought a whiskey flask in my bag to settle my nerves.  Hindsight is a beautiful thing!  I had also told Deacon and my sisters where we were meeting Mitchell and what time to expect me back so I wasn’t just relying on Joe for our safety.  I trusted Mitchell about as far as I could throw him.

“Mum, are you sure you want to be here?”  Jakey was looking at me with concern and he held my hand, which made me feel awful.  He was probably just as nervous as me and worried for himself, but he was still watching me to see if I was alright.  I couldn’t have asked for a better son.  He was the only good thing to come from Mitchell’s and my relationship and I was thankful for him every day.

“Sure.  I’m perfectly fine.  Don’t you worry about me.  You’re here to see your dad and as long as you’re comfortable we’ll stay but the moment you want to leave.  You let me know.”  He gave me a curt nod and went back to watching the door.  We didn’t have to wait long before Mitchell came through the door.  He looked different.  His face was no longer youthful.  It looked hardened as though he had been through the wars.  He’d bulked up as well.  I guess there’s not much else to do in prison apart from workout.  Women in the shop were watching him as he walked past.  For all the changes that I had noticed in his appearance, he still looked good.  If I didn’t know him, I probably would be attracted to him.   Mitchell had gone from attractive insurance account manager to built and ripped bad boy.