The Perfection of Love (25 page)

“Hello Dana.”  He was smiling but I was not about to be sucked in by him.  He knew how to make you think that he was calm and being reasonable so well that you’d never see him strike.  I’d been caught out by that too many times then I cared to remember.

“Hey Jacob.  How are you doing?”  The two of them looked awkward now.   As much as I relished the fact that he didn’t have a natural connection with his son they needed help.

“Take a seat Mitchell.”  He sat down never taking his eyes off Jacob.  They looked glassy and his face conveyed a multitude of emotions which I couldn’t decipher but I was pretty sure there were some that were bad and were directed at me for taking his son away from him.

“How are you Jacob?  What have you been up to?  I haven’t seen you in such a long time.  You’re a lot bigger than the last time I saw you.  I want to know everything about you.  I brought you some stuff that I thought you might like as well.  Do you like football?”  Jakey nodded his head and then they began to speak.  The conversation flowed and Jakey warmed up to him and became more animated in his speech.  I only had to speak every now and again when Jakey asked me a question or asked me to confirm something.  Relief flooded through me that he was happy.  After an hour or so Jakey asked for some money to go and get something to eat.  Mitchell gave him some money before I could reach for my bag and Jakey ran off to pick something.

“You’ve done really well with him Dana, thank you.”  I didn’t acknowledge what he said.  I didn’t want to speak to him unless I really had to and what did he expect would happen with him gone?  Did he think we would fall apart?  “I’m sorry for what happened and I know that you don’t forgive me but I’m hoping in time that you will and we can get along for Jacob’s sake.  I just want to be a part of his life as much as possible.  I’m not going to lie.  I want you back as well Dana but I know it’ll take time for us to build back what we had.”  What the fuck?  He’s lost the fucking plot!

“No way in hell Mitchell.”  I had to make sure I didn’t shout that in the shop.  “You treated me like shit for five years Mitchell.  Five fucking years of my life that I will never get back.  If it wasn’t for Jacob I would never have to see you again.  If you walked out of this shop today and got hit by a bus believe me when I say I wouldn’t shed a single tear.  You never deserved me and you certainly don’t deserve my son.  Just remember that you’re seeing him because that’s what is best for him.  It has nothing to do with how much I DON’T feel for you.”  I noticed his jaw tick which was usually an indicator that he was about to blow.  But he didn’t, he reacted in quite the opposite to what I anticipated.

“I’ve said I’m sorry Dana.  I know that doesn’t cut it but I hope it time that you can believe that I am so sorry for what happened.  The important thing is that I try to repair things with Jacob.  I’d like to have regular access to him.  Obviously at a time that is convenient to you.  I thought maybe if I could see him one or two afternoons per week that might be a start and then when you’re comfortable he could start staying over with me for weekends and stuff.”

Everything in me wanted to ask Mitchell what brand of crack he had started smoking.  How could he expect me to let Jakey stay overnight with him?  Unfortunately the other part of my brain was arguing that I needed to take my feelings towards him out of the equation and do my best to help Jakey foster a relationship with his dad.  “We can start with afternoons Mitchell and see how you both get on with that.  We can talk about sleepovers at a later date.  I want to make sure that Jakey is comfortable.”

“Of course.  Thank you, Dana.  This means a lot to me.”  He reached for my hand and I recoiled.  Not out of fear but out of disgust.  I never wanted Mitchell Grayson to touch me again.  In any case this was not the Mitchell I knew, or it was.  It was the fake Mitchell.  The one he presented to others to draw them in.  The one that I met and fell in love with before he showed me his true colors.  I needed to go.

“Mitchell we need to go now.  I’ve got things to do.  I’ll call you later to set up some regular access.”  Jakey walked over with his treats.  “We’ve got to go now Jakey.  Say goodbye to your dad.”  Jakey moaned and whined about why we had to go but Mitchell reassured him that he would see him soon.

Deacon was on the sofa when we got home.  I mouthed that I would talk to him later and got on with preparing dinner.  Later with a very large glass of wine in my hand and Jakey in bed I sat with Deacon and told him how the meeting with Mitchell had gone.  I left out the bit where Mitchell said he wanted me back because I didn’t want him to start thinking or worry that I might still have feelings for Mitchell.  It just wasn’t the case and I didn’t want to argue with him.  Deacon just said he was glad that the both of us were ok and Jakey was happy.  I don’t think that was all he thought but maybe like me, he didn’t want to argue.

Over the next few weeks Jakey and I saw Mitchell every Tuesday and Thursday after school.  After a while the meetings became less uncomfortable and I found myself almost enjoying the time.  I guess it made me think of how it should have been with Mitchell.  How I had wanted things to be between us.  We still went to public places such as parks and museums as I was definitely not comfortable with going back to where Mitchell now lived.  He had sold his house when he went to prison and now that he was out he was living in a flat that wasn’t that far from where I lived.  Something I really didn’t want him to know.

Things at home were not great though.  Deacon now had the cast off of his leg and was able to get around by himself.  He had said he was going to move back into his flat but I had got used to having him stay with us so every time he brought up the subject I had an excuse as to why he needed to stay a bit longer.  The excuses ranged from needing time to explain to Jakey that he would no longer be staying with us now his cast was off, to I didn’t have time to help him move his stuff back to his place.  If that didn’t work I resorted to the best underhand technique every woman had in her arsenal.  Getting on her knees, undoing your man’s trousers and sucking like your life depends on it. 

The fact that Jakey and I were spending time with Mitchell was grating on him.  He believed he was up to something.  As far as Deacon was concerned a leopard didn’t change its spots.  While to some extent I agreed with him I kept telling him he was forgetting the bigger picture which was Jakey having a relationship with his dad.

“Every time you come back from seeing him, you’ve got the biggest smile on your face I’ve ever seen.  You enjoy playing happy families?”  He shouted.

“First of all keep your voice down.  Jakey is upstairs.  Second of all, that’s bullshit.  You know I only go to support Jakey and in any case as of next week Jakey’s going to be staying overnight with his dad on the weekends.  Mitchell will be picking him up from school and I won’t need to be there.  Can you just get it out of your head that we are playing happy families.  It’s a means to an end and it’s going to be better as of next week.  Stop stressing, please?”  Deacon sighed.

“I just don’t like it.  The two of you have got a connection that I haven’t got with you.  He can be the biggest ass and treat you like shit but he’ll always have an in into your life and there’s nothing I can do about it.”  He looked beaten and my heart went out to him so my body followed and I wrapped my arms around him.

“We may have Jakey together but he broke and lost my heart a long time ago and you came along not taking no for an answer and picked up the pieces, you mended my heart and now it belongs to you and only you.  There’s no crack for him to slither his way through because I love you Deacon.”  I kissed him on his lips and across his jaw and after that, I guess what I said reassured him because we didn’t do any talking after that but we did express some more feelings.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

If I thought that was the end of our arguments then I was sadly mistaken.
  The worst was yet to come.  Mitchell was doing security work at night clubs around the city, which meant that he was around during the daytime to pick Jakey up from school.  This worked out for me as it meant I could stay at work and catch up on what Deacon and I had missed and got behind on, so after a few weeks of meeting at the coffee shop I allowed Mitchell to do the afternoon school run. However this meant that Mitchell dropped Jakey off to my house some evenings after they had dinner together, which Deacon did not see as necessary and an additional threat to our safety.

“Why has he got to drop him here?  I don’t like him knowing where you live and it’s not me that he attacked.  How are you so comfortable with it?  Why can’t you pick him up or I go and get him or even arrange to meet him at a halfway point?”  Deacon was repeating himself for the third time this week, which always led to the next argument.  I knew his argument came from a place of love but it was starting to piss me off that he thought he could dictate the decisions I made.

“It makes my life easier if he drops him here and you can’t go and pick him up. They need to develop their own relationship, Deacon.  I’m so tired of going through this over and over again.  Just let it go.  You know he doesn’t know you and he doesn’t know I’m dating and I don’t want to cause an argument if I don’t have to.”  Which led to….

“We’re in a fucking relationship!  We’re together.  What’s the fucking problem?  You’re more worried about upsetting your violent ex than the statement you’re making by hiding our relationship.  Again.  When we were first seeing each other I understood why you wanted to be cautious but now you’re reverting back to the same old behavior because of him.  I’m not going to play like I’m some dirty secret, hiding in the shadows so I don’t upset your ex.”  I would be surprised if the whole of the university hadn’t heard the arguments in our office.  Deacon refused to talk to me for the rest of the day apart from the odd grunt or nod of his head.  While it upset me that he couldn’t understand my position or even talk to me calmly about it, I was glad that the arguing had stopped.   I couldn’t cope with the confrontation although the hostility was only a mild improvement.  I understood his position, I really did.  For once this was not about me putting up a barrier to our relationship, well, not intentionally anyway.

The next day we had driven to work in separate cars as we had also argued about the same topic this morning.  Once again I was thankful for small mercies, as I didn’t fancy driving home in awkward silence.  I had planned to talk to Deacon though, properly.  We couldn’t continue with the arguing.  I didn’t want Jakey to pick up on the bad vibes between us and the reality of the situation was that if we couldn’t sort things out right now, then it might be best that he moved back to his flat until we did.  If we did.  Once I got home I waited for Mitchell to drop Jakey off.  I heard the gate open before I heard the bell so I got up to answer the door.  Mitchell always saw Jakey to the door.

“What’s wrong Dana?”  Mitchell looked genuinely concerned.

“Nothing Mitchell, just tired.  Was everything okay getting Jakey from school?”

“Yeah.  No problems as usual.  Jacob go inside a minute while I talk to your mum.  I’ll pick you up tomorrow.  Make sure you get your homework done before you play any games.”  Jakey gave his dad a hug said goodbye and went inside.

“Come on Dana.  Despite what you might think I know you.  I know when something’s wrong.  Is it something to do with that bloke your seeing?”  I raised my eyebrows.  How did he know about Deacon?  I had asked Jakey not to tell his dad about anything that happens or who comes and goes at home.  “Jakey told me ages ago.  It wasn’t my business to bring it up.”  That was my own fault.  How the hell did I expect a child to keep my secret?  He took my hand and stroked the back of my hand.  After a second I took it back.

“It’s nothing to do with Deacon, Mitchell.”  This time he took a strand of my hair that had come loose from my ponytail and began to twirl it around his finger.  I hadn’t realized he’d come so close.  Normally my alarm bells ring when he’s too near to me.  This closeness was familiar but it didn’t feel right.  It was wrong.  It wasn’t Mitchell that I wanted here being intimate like this with.

“You’re an amazing person Dana.  Don’t forget that.  I never told you enough and that’s my regret to live with.”  He started to lean in and I don’t know why I didn’t move but I let him kiss me.  It was chaste and noninvasive.  It was like the way Mitchell used to kiss me when I was just a teenager.  Before things changed, before he changed.  Like that I woke up and pulled away but not before I heard a familiar engine tear away from in front of the house.  Deacon.

“No. No. No. No. No.”  I pushed past Mitchell and ran through the gate.  I saw the tail of his Porshe stop at the end of the road and then take a hard right.  “What have I done?”  I ran back to the house.  “Mitchell you need to go.”  I shut the door before he could answer.  I picked up my phone and phoned everyone.  No one was answering their phone.  Finally Lana picked up.