The Perfection of Love (28 page)

“
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my own familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”

Everyone was sobbing now.  I looked to the side of me to see Pops with his arm around Ma.  She had said before like it felt she had lost another daughter.  She’d already been through this before with my mum and dad.  This must be destroying her again.  When the service finished her coffin was carried out with Christina Aguilera’s Reflection playing.  Mulan was one of Mills’ favourite films I was sure she watched it daily.  This was her favourite song from the soundtrack.  She said it always made her smile on the inside.

Joe and Mills had hardly any family and most of them didn’t come but I think I can safely say that the people Mills would have wanted here were. 

Deacon came to the funeral but every time I looked at him, all I felt was anger. Yet at the same time I felt loss and emptiness.  Part of me wanted to hit him and the other part wanted him to just hold me.  I was so conflicted. At the wake, Deacon tried several times to speak to me. I just couldn’t look at him but towards the end of the day when I couldn’t find him, I felt emptier inside if that were even possible.  I felt Ma’s presence next to me.

“It’s a sad day today Dana.  I know you must feel like you’re dying inside.  This isn’t so different to how Pops and I felt when your mum and dad died.  We wanted to blame everyone but you know what?”  She squeezed my hand.  “At the end of the day it was an unfortunate accident.  We could stand here saying that if they hadn’t been where they were at the time or if a million things had been different then they would still be here today but we can’t change anything.  So then the choice becomes do we hold on to the anger and let it consume us or do we accept the loss and try to embrace life and live for them?”  I looked up at her.  The last thing Mills had said to me was she hadn’t lived.  She had spent her life hiding behind Joe and as a result died before she’d ever known love.  The kind of love that Deacon had shown me and I had pushed away over and over again.

My shoulders slumped and I felt the anger being released from my body.  I let it go. A new wave of tears began to flow.  I just keep fucking things up for myself.

“Ma, what have I done?  I’ve been so stupid and stubborn and selfish.”  I’d pushed him away.  Again.  Was I never going to get tired of doing that?  Back and forth, back and forth.  I was tired of it.  We needed to sort our shit out.  I needed to sort my fucked up head out and just be together the way we’re supposed to.  He wanted to be there for me through all of this and I needed to let him do that.

“Yes that’s true.  You’ve definitely been all of the above.  Now what are you going to do about it?  He’s not going to just fall back into your arms again this time Dana.  You really did a good number on him.”  This was hard ass Ma.  No beating around the bush.  No sympathy.  No bullshit.  She was telling me what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear.

“I need to get him back.”

“A bit vague but I’m sure you’ll work the details out as you go along.”  She gave my knee a squeeze and walked over to Joe.  I saw her hug him and he melted into her embrace and started sobbing again.  She rubbed his back and took him off to a corner where I could see her talking to him.  He needed a mother right now and he couldn’t get any better than Ma.  She was filled with maternal love and had more than enough to give him.

After the funeral, Joe announced that he was going to be taking some time to go away and be by himself.  We were all devastated.  I had an idea that that was what he and Ma had been talking about.  “This place doesn’t hold many good memories for me.  I mean the memories weren’t great before but now with Mills gone, there’s nothing keeping me here.  I need some space to clear my head and get over all this.”  He came over to me and knelt down next to the chair and held me while I cried into his shirt.  “Baby girl, you’re free now.”

“God, Joe, I’m so sorry please don’t leave.  Don’t you leave me as well.  I need you here with me.  With Jakey and I.”

“You don’t need me.  You’re free now.  I need to get away.  It’s not goodbye forever just goodbye for now.”  He gave me a final squeeze and got up.  He took Jakey aside from everyone else and spoke to him alone.  I could see Jakey crying so hard and it broke my heart.  He had lost Mills like the rest of us and now he was losing Joe who had been the most consistent male role model in his life next to Pops. Joe gave Jakey his mobile number on a piece of paper and told him to call him whenever he needed him.

Joe had said he needed to get away from the bad memories.  While I understood his reasons, it felt like I was losing another person in my life.  When he walked towards the door I saw Lana run after him and grab his arm to make him turn back towards inside.  He caressed her cheek and hugged her.  I’m sure he said something to her because Lana’s face tightened but by the time he had released her she had her face impassive again but the tear rolling down her face that she quickly tried to hide betrayed her.  They had always been odd friends but I guess they had been closer than I had thought or noticed.  Maybe when the rest of us were not around they actually had a decent conversation that didn’t involve insults or trying to outdo each other with their number of conquests.  One day I needed to do the sisterly thing and actually ask her.

Saz had been sitting down most of time with Jack, the farmer she had met while she had been working on her book.  He wasn’t what I expected at all.  Saz had made out that she had tamed some kind of ogre but the way he fawned over her was actually quite beautiful.  Jack was tall, like really tall.  I’m sure he was taller than Deacon and if he wasn’t then there wasn’t much in it.  He was burly and his arms were not massive.  They were MAHOOSIVE!  No wonder Saz loved staying up north with him on his farm.  I’m sure she was putting those arms to much more good use that just working with the animals.  I laughed to myself.  Mills would have rolled her eyes and groaned, then scolded me about thinking about sexual things at a time that’s meant to be sad.  I watched Jack as he wiped away every single one of her tears and held her close while she cried.  He never left her side and Saz nestled into him for comfort.  When the wake was over and we had all finished clearing up, Saz said her goodbyes with Jack still by her side. I’m pretty sure if she’d said the word he would have carried her out of the house to the car just so she didn’t strain herself.  I sighed. I had secretly wanted someone to come along and love Jakey and I all this time and to push away the darkness and pull us into the light.  Someone who made me special beyond all others and would put my happiness first.  I had that with Deacon and I threw it away.  Things were not going to stay this way.  I am a Daniels.  We see what we want and we go for it.  Furthermore I am Dana Josephine Daniels.  I am stubborn and I am ignorant as fuck.  If I’ve decided that Deacon is who I want that is who I’m going to get.  I am so done waiting for things to happen to me or watching life pass me by.  Enough is enough.  I’m going to go get my man and bring him home.

When Jakey and I got home he went straight to bed.  He didn’t cry himself to sleep but I could hear him tossing and turning.  I checked on him one final time to make sure he was asleep and once he was I made a start on my mission to get back Deacon.  Once I got off my self provided high of getting Deacon back I realized one very key point: I was no diabolical mastermind.  That was Lana’s forte.  But I didn’t want Lana anywhere near my plan.  She’d take it to an extreme.  Plus there was the important fact that since Mills’ funeral she hadn’t really been herself.  It was a little surprising that it had hit her that hard.  Something is definitely up with that girl. 

The first part of my grand scheme was to get Deacon to talk to me.  Pathetic.  I know.  If that didn’t work I was going to have to create some elaborate reason that would mean that he would have to come back to the university to do some work.  That should be easy enough as I was pretty sure that Colin was pining for him.  Deacon was his golden boy.  If I could get him to the university, at the very least I could lock him in my office and torture him with sex until he yielded to me and had to take me back.  I did say I wasn’t a diabolical mastermind right?

CHAPTER TWENTY-
SEVEN

I went downstairs and phone
d Deacons office.  I had his direct number.

“Deacon Greenwood.”  He didn’t sound like his normal self.

“Deacon, it’s Dana.”  Silence.

“What is it Dana?”  Wow.  That was gruff.  Not that I didn’t deserve it.

“I just wanted to apologize…”

“Just save it Dana.  I can’t keep doing this.  If you need to speak to me about work then email me.”  He hung up.  I tried calling him back but he didn’t answer.

I tried calling him every day for the next two weeks but he wouldn’t take any of my calls.  I didn’t know what to do.  If he wouldn’t talk to me how could I make him understand?  How could I make him forgive me?  Ma always said that you can’t make someone forgive you.  If someone truly forgives then it’s in their nature and it was already in their heart.  What if Deacon couldn’t forgive me?  What if I’d hurt him too much.  I thought about what my sisters would do if in the same position.  Mara would say ‘fuck them, don’t need them’, Tara would say ‘what will be will be, I haven’t got time to chase frivolous dreams’ and Lana, Lana would say ‘if the direct approach won’t work then you’re not being direct enough.’  Lana was right.  If he wouldn’t talk to me in person then I had to go and see him.  He had already flown back to LA after the funeral. 

I thought I would give Deacons office one last try.  This time when it rang it was diverted to his secretary.

“Dr. Deacon Greenwoods office.  Marie speaking.  How can I help?”  The lady on the other end of the phone sounded like she was dying to hang the phone up on me before I had even uttered a word.  Suddenly I was more nervous than I had been at the prospect of speaking to Deacon.

“Oh, hello.  I’m sorry.  I was just trying to get hold of Deacon.  I’m guessing he’s not there.  Ummm I’ll try again another time.”

“You sound English.  Are you Dana?”  Her voice peaked with curiosity.

“Yes.”  How did she know it was me?  Had he warned her to hang up on me as well?

“Oh my god.  I can get a message to him.”  Now she was excited.

“It’s okay.  I need to speak to him really.”  There was no way I was about to pour my heart out to her for her to relay it to him on a post-it note.

“So you’re why he’s been so miserable.  He really misses you, you know?”

“Oh.”  I didn’t think he would be missing me.  Maybe throwing darts at a picture of me stuck to the door but definitely not missing me.

“Of course.  He was so excited when he left to go do some work for you and then every time he checked in with the office he was happier and happier and then what happened?  He’s so sad now and that’s not like him.”

“I’m sure that’s all my fault but I’m going to try and fix it.”

“Shit.  He’s coming.  Take my number and I’ll help you.  Deacon’s like my brother.  I hate seeing him like this.  I know he’s stubborn so if he’s been avoiding your phone calls we’re going to have to go stealth on this mission.  If you’re going to fix this then I’m going to help you.”

I left Jakey with Ma and Pop’s and took the next flight out to LA to go and find Deacon.  Marie had arranged the flights and my accommodation.  She wouldn’t take no for an answer.  When I arrived at the airport she was waiting for me with a car.  Marie was tall and curvy.  She had platinum blond hair that was pulled back into a French plait.  She was dressed for work which raised the question as to how she had come to pick me up from the airport.  She ran over and hugged me.