The Perfection Paradox (33 page)

Without
another word she’d strode away, never looking back.

The envelope
hadn’t contained just one letter though.

It contained
seven.

Seven.

Like the
number stitched on the back of her volleyball uniform.

Seven, the
amount of colleges her parents had made her apply to.

Seven. The
weeks she’d been away the summer Brooke got addicted.

Seven.
Seven.
Seven
.

The letters
made it all so much worse.

Letter
#1

Tell me what
I need to do to make you see that I’m alive. How many times do I
need to call? How many letters do I need to send?

Letter
#2

I called you
138 times last night, but I think you changed your number
again.

Letter
#3

You’re all I
have. If I can’t have you I don’t know what I’ll do. Two hours
outside your house, when will you be home? Four hours in your
garden, waiting for you to appear.

I found a
soda can with your lips printed on it, it fell out of your
trashcan, I keep it in my room. Can’t you see how much I care about
you? Can’t you see how well I’d treat you if we were
together?

Letter
#4

If I told you
I’d kill myself if you didn’t reply, would you talk to me
then?

Letter
#5

I can’t go on
existing without you Kennedy, I can’t live my life knowing you’re
living yours and I’m not a part of it, that there are people you
talk to every day and I’m not one of them. They keep telling me
I’ll find someone else, that I have to leave you alone, but there’s
no one like you Kennedy, no one.

Letter
#6

Your face is
all I think about, every morning I wake up and my day revolves
around seeing you. I miss the days when I could watch you walk home
with your friends after school, you never knew I was watching did
you? You never knew that that was the highlight of my day. Just
watching you be. One day you smiled at me and it made me so happy I
was sick. You looked at me. Your eyes on me, just for a second, I
could’ve cried, it was the happiest day of my life Kennedy, the day
I was worthy of your smile.

Letter
#7

I’m dead
because of you Kennedy. With your smiles and your eyes and your
voice. You drove me crazy. You played games with my head. You
played games with my heart.

You’re a
bigger monster than I ever was and one day you’re going to get what
you deserve.

You smiled at
me and I was a goner.

What torture
it’s been, it’ll be good to finally get you off my mind.

Every time
Kennedy closed her eyes, she saw him, gaping at her through the
bushes, that evil leer on his gaunt deranged face. She heard the
poetry he’d whispered to her down the phone line. His sinister
voice breathing sweet disgusting words, his syllables rattling as
the prospect of her attention roused him. These words woke her,
sweaty and shaken, from her slumber almost every night.

She started
her freshman year at Rosewell High School that September. Even
Brooke never knew about him.

Here, no one
knew about her past, it was finally a chance to forget.

And she did,
for a while.

She’d been
able to laugh again for the first time in a long time.

She’d
returned to being Kennedy, confident, fearless, witty,
fun.

But it hadn’t
taken long for everything to come falling down around her
again.

As junior
year drew to a close, she began to notice more and more.

Slanted eyes
stared her way, furtive glances, hushed tones whispered to each
other secretively.

Senior year
was even worse. Everywhere she went, she felt them
watching
her,
always
, and in their
faces she saw nothing but his unhinged smirk.

Every
wandering eye, every drunken compliment or unsubtle flirt left her
feeling disgusting and raw, like she was infected.

Brooke kept
telling her how they all wanted her, how every boy in the school
was lusting after her, but Kennedy shook her head violently,
shaking away the thousand grinning maniacs that swept over
her.

Their carnal
stares left her shaking and close to tears every time she
accidentally glanced at one of them and saw
him
in their eyes.

That was what
she thought of the night of graduation, all these strangers calling
her
perfect
.

They forgot
she was a person.

One
individual in a world of billions.

A human being
made up of flesh and bones like everyone else.

Sometimes she
wanted to be alone, instead of constantly watched.

Walking down
the hallways, sitting in class, eating lunch, at every volleyball
practice, at the mall, at every house party, getting changed for
gym class, in the school toilets.

Eager eyes
everywhere.

She had bad
days too, days she just wanted to stay in bed, days of headaches,
days where she’d fought with her family or a friend, sometimes she
might just be tired, not in the mood to play the part,
disconnected, and then she’d be lambasted for not giving enough of
herself.

For not being
perfect and lovely and charming to everyone, all the
time.

And the one
time she wasn’t flawless, it was held against her forever, brought
up every time her classmates decide to pass judgment. Which was
often.

They placed
her on a pedestal and then set it on fire.

She felt
herself crumbling on the inside, but no one could know.

Her parents
had invested too much time and money for her to disappoint them
now. Her family expected too much from her, she couldn’t just
falter and die. She had to be as perfect as they wanted, for as
long as she could.

She had to do
everything they expected. No matter who was watching, even if it
drove her insane, even if it killed her.

They were
watching, waiting, for the fall of Kennedy Blakewood.

A thousand
faces crossed her mind.

She longed to
be as strong as Hunter, so tough and assertive and unbreakable that
nothing could stand in his way.

She longed to
be as invisible to vicious rumour as Matt, never talked about or
subjected to the curse of gossip.

She longed to
be accepted like Emily, whose friends stood by her through
everything, never doubting who she was, as much as she doubted
herself.

She longed
for fresh starts like Hannah’s, chances to be happy, chances to
develop and change and be herself, without everyone remembering
every little thing she’d ever done, every mistake she’d ever
made.

She wanted to
escape.

And then the
music faded and the broken strings of the marionette tangled and
struggled before falling still, and the dancing stopped.