The Rules of Regret (22 page)

I
giggled quietly and covered my mouth, but Torin pulled my hand back the second
I did so, almost frustrated by the unintentional act.

“
Don
’
t do that,
”
he said in a soft, hushed voice.
“
Don
’
t cover up something so beautiful.
”

I
pressed into the elevator wall, my hands wrapping around the gold bar to
provide some semblance of stability. I had every intention of leaving what
happened between us in the dressing room there and not carrying it with me up
to our hotel floor. But it wasn
’
t
just these moments that I had to avoid; it was the moments that made me want to
trade in everything I ever thought I needed in my life for something as
uncertain as this.
Someone
as
uncertain as Torin.
“
Who
are
you?
”

“
Honestly?
”
Torin
’
s brow creased tightly and his eyes
were almost hidden in the shadow it created.
“
I
’
m still trying to figure that out.
”

“
Really?
”
His swift, unexpected answer
surprised me.
“
Because
you say things with such confidence, like you
’
re absolutely sure of yourself.
”

Torin
slid onto the wall next to me, his head hanging low, his blond hair tumbling
into his eyes. I really wanted to cut it, but I was beginning to think that was
due to the fact that it would give me an excuse to run my fingers through the
golden strands.

He
continued.
“
The
things I
’
ve
already discovered about life I
’
m
absolutely sure of, you
’
re
right. Like family and faith. But the other things
—
the things that I
’
m still figuring out about myself
—
they
’
re not so concrete.
”
Torin suddenly flipped around in
front of me, his hands bracketing me on either side with intense control.
“
Like trying to figure out what to do
with the fact that I
’
m
pretty sure I
’
m
falling for a girl that is probably going to end up with someone else.
”
His eyes roved over me and fastened
on my mouth, like he was contemplating kissing me again.

I
’
d kissed Lance literally hundreds of
times, and I was even up to two shameful kisses with Torin, but the
anticipation of this and the way his looked at my lips like he wanted to eat
them couldn
’
t
compare to any of that. Even if every kiss were added together, the weight in
this moment would be more than those combined; more than all the kisses I
’
d ever experienced. Maybe even more
than all of eternity
’
s
kisses piled together. I didn
’
t
think there was ever a moment in history more charged with tension and
anticipation than this, because I was certain no one else could survive it. I
’
m surprised
I
was able to. Maybe I did learn a thing or two on that
overnighter.

Torin
leaned in, his forehead pressed to mine, and I tried not to groan into his open
mouth but it was impossible to keep it in. The tips of our noses touched first
—
lightly
—
then his hand
lifted to my jaw and his thumb ran circles across my chin. He tilted my head up
so our lips were an inch apart, lined up and ready for the other. His breath
was warm and sweet and fell on my mouth with light pressure, like a tempting
hint at how his lips would feel and taste, too.
“
Tell me what I
’
m supposed to do with that? With the
fact that you
’
re
like this damn mirage and every time I think I
’
m about to get close to you
—
about to realize my
dream of you
—
it
evaporates and I
’
m
left completely deserted.
”

My
head twitched and I licked my lips nervously. I shouldn
’
t have done that, because it ignited
a fire in his eyes and faltered his breathing.
“
I don
’
t know.
”

Just
as suddenly as Torin stopped the elevator moments before, he pushed off from
the wall with one hand and turned toward the doors. Punching a number again
with his finger, he said over his shoulder,
“
And that
’
s a problem, because neither do I.
”

***

“
I
’
m going to read your book while you
shower.
”

I
could hear his voice through the crack in the door, yet the rain of water from
the high-pressured showerhead mostly drowned him out. Though I didn
’
t normally leave bathroom doors open
—
even if only a
sliver of an inch
—
while
a boy that I may or may not be falling for sat on the opposite side, Torin
managed to convince me. He
’
d
had three water bottles to drink this afternoon and what if he had to pee while
I was showering and primping for the gala? What was he supposed to do? Could I,
with a transparently clear conscience, put his bladder through something as
traumatizing as that? He wasn
’
t
a camel after all, and couldn
’
t
store water for very long. Apparently, I was cruel to think otherwise.

I
figured the real reason was that the sounds of me showering only added to the
reality that I was naked on the other side, soaping myself up, just a
half-closed door barricading the space between us. I wasn
’
t quite sure what I
’
d do if he actually did have to pee.
I had three brothers, yes, but nothing about Torin felt like a brother, and I
didn
’
t
want to get to know him on that level. The sound of him peeing wasn
’
t something I really hoped to
familiarize myself with.

I
ran my fingers through my hair, plopping a dollop of the hotel
’
s shampoo into the palm of my hand.
It smelled like lemon and vanilla, and reminded me of a martini my mom used to
make. She often drank, and every time she mixed something up, it was always a
fruity concoction and she let me have a shot glass full of my own.

But
that hadn
’
t
always been the case, and it struck me as odd how things could change so
quickly. How just one event, one of life
’
s
many circumstances, could change the way you viewed moral issues like giving
your under-aged children alcohol. I guess you picked your battles. I wasn
’
t even sure my mom was strong enough
to fight at all anymore.

Tilting
my head back, I let the water massage the shampoo out of my hair and run down
my backside, pooling into a bubbly froth around my feet. Everything felt so
fuzzy lately and I
’
d
hoped the shower would bring some clarity. Like I could wash away the feelings
I knew I had for Torin; like I could cleanse myself of the cheating I
’
d done, even if he didn
’
t agree with that label.

I
was so immersed in my detoxification that I didn
’
t hear the creak of the door, and
didn
’
t
sense Torin on the other side of the shower curtain until his voice breeched
the quiet and nearly sent me slamming into the tiled wall, like being woken
from a deep slumber by the shrill, sudden blast of an alarm clock.

“
Darby. Is that picture of her?
”

I
didn
’
t
answer, but knew exactly what he meant.

“
Because at first I thought it was
you.
”

With
my right hand, I twisted the knob on the faucet to the left, the scalding water
leaving piercing beads of heat across my skin. It hurt, and I bit down on my lip
to endure the pain. I
’
d
become a master at that
—
at
replacing one pain with another. Usually it was the empty growl that eroded my
stomach that I preferred. That was my go-to. For now I
’
d settle for the burn.

“
Darby, can you get out of the shower
and talk to me?
”
He thrust a white, fluffy towel into the gap between the curtain and the wall.
“
It
’
s time you talked about this.
”

“
I don
’
t know if I can, Torin.
”
I grabbed the towel from his grip,
but didn
’
t
dry off. I held it to my face, the bleached cotton billows enveloping my small
yelp of a cry that I knew he could hear. Even above the water. Even through the
towel. He heard me.

“
Darby, please. Please talk to me.
”

I
didn
’
t
talk. I just cried, and I hated how weak it made me sound, because I didn
’
t like crying, and honestly, I didn
’
t do much of it anymore.

“
I
’
m coming in there with you, Darby,
”
he warned, and I didn
’
t doubt for one second that he wouldn
’
t. I
’
d learned that Torin was both a man
of action and a man of his word. If he said he was going to do something, then
it was a certain fact that he
’
d
do it.

Taking
the towel from my face, I twisted it around my body, securing it under my
collarbone above my chest. The shower curtain rings slid on the rail and just
like in the dressing room, Torin
’
s
hand pushed it back all the way. With his clothes still on, he stepped into the
shower, wrapping his arms around me from behind, tucking his chin onto my
shoulder. The way he held me and let me face the water so I could at least
pretend to camouflage my tears in the streams that trickled down made me feel
anything but weak, and I was grateful for it, and in awe of the sensitivity of
this guy that I
’
d
only known a few weeks. I honestly thought for a moment that I
’
d had him all wrong this entire time.

“
Are you ready to tell me about her?
”
he asked again, his question taking
on the form of a gentle pleading.
“
Because
your tears tell their own story, but I want your words, too, Darby.
”

His
shirt clung to my back, to the bare skin above my towel, and his breath fell
softly against my neck. It should have struck me as weird that there we were,
Torin fully clothed, and me with only a terrycloth wrap covering my bare body,
but nothing about it felt weird, or even remotely wrong. I
’
d kissed him and that felt all kinds
of inappropriate, but standing together in the shower
—
that was right. At
least in this moment, it was right.

“
Do you want me to tell you my story
first?
”
When his mouth moved with the words, his chin pressed in and out of my
shoulder, and he didn
’
t
lessen the grip he had around me, but pulled me tighter.

I
nodded.

“
I was the one that found him,
”
Torin started.
“
It was in between camps. I had been
gone all day cleaning the dining commons
—
that
was sorta my task, and I liked doing it. Mom said I was good at it, but I think
that just meant she didn
’
t
want to do it. Whatever. I felt useful, so I didn
’
t mind. I mean, honestly, how well
could a twelve-year-old kid clean an industrial-sized kitchen and 2,000 square
foot eating area?
”
The question was rhetorical, so I just listened and let him continue.
“
I
’
d always figured Dad went back in
after me to do the real deep cleaning, because they totally would have shut
down our camp if we operated it the way I
’
d
left things. But that day I saw him sweeping up after I
’
d finished up, and for some reason,
it totally pissed me off. Like I wasn
’
t
responsible enough to handle a real job. Like I was just going through the
motions and still needed Mommy and Daddy to come to my rescue and clean up my
mess.
”